Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Mauve Coelecanth Dialtone Making Irritate!

I have my garden planted...almost. I have my ornamental beds weeded...almost. And I have all my raised beds cleared and my stock potted up...yeah.
Still, it all looks better than it did a couple of weeks age. I'd show you a picture but my computer and my digital are no longer on speaking terms.

Got the tater man tucked in with a nice dogwood tree over him. I feel a lot better knowing that's finished, but still sad. It is officially referred to as the 'Opie Tree'.

It could be the 'Goonybird Tree' just as easily, but then I'd have to explain why to people and that would get tiresome and might well get me reported to the Health Department. The Goony Placenta went in the hole with the Tater, you see.

The Goonybird was born here in my front room three years ago, so that's how long I've had that thing sitting in my freezer. Every now and then I'd run into it while searching for something and think 'Yoiks!'
I tell you what, having it out of there takes a load off my mind. Why? Because I no longer have to worry about the Yummy Biker accidentally thawing it out and, yeah.
Oh my goodness yes; in this house? Believe me, that could happen. Those things look an awful lot like a liver, and while we don't do liver we Do do liver pate' on special occasions. To a German man who gets high regularly, this special occasion can often be 'Friday'.

I have to tell you that when I was unwrapping it from the plastic under the faucet it did smell disturbingly delicious...like fresh steak.
I mean, son of a freakin' double yoiks, y'all. That bastard went into the hole double mother fast. Gaaaaaaah. Why take chances? I mean, we are bikers.

Back when I had the Stainless Steel Amazon, there was a product for sale in the 'alternative lifestyle' new baby catalogues called, and I shit thee not, 'Placenta Helper.' My midwife recommended it to me. Said she'd attended several births already where this delicious stir-fry product had been served up to all those present afterwards. Hey! thanks for coming! Have a heapin' helpin' of human birthing detrius!
What kind of wine would you serve with that?

Furthermore, what kind of friends decide to make a social gathering out of you grunting and screaming for eight hours and then fall on the afterbirth like a mob of hyenas? Does the addition of dehydrated onion flakes and noodles somehow make this any less bizarre?

There are limits to how far one should take this 'natural' stuff, and that limit should by rights be reached right at the point where 'natural' contacts 'frying up hazardous medical waste'.

Theres a better alternative, folks. Buy a nice little tree.
Does it work? The new little dogwood we planted just broke blossom three weeks early.

I will be back commenting and visiting you all soon, but my darlings, the sun is shining and...


  1. I would tsk at the frozen placenta, except that I've had more than my share of frozen animals in the freezer. There were a couple turtles in there for months awaiting proper burial, and a beloved cat in there long enough that we started calling him "the Mooseicle."

    Opie + dogwood. That's right poetic. Is it a pink dogwood or the greenish white kind?

    Anyway, it makes sense that plants like meat. Meat creatures eat plants, after all...

    [Breaks into a chorus of "The Circle of Life"]

  2. da nator: I find your use of a 'frigerator as a morgue for dead pets just fascinating and I wonder why that never occurred to me.

    FN, that post was just hilarious! I never know what I'm gonna read on here! Go enjoy your gardening my friend!

  3. I so want to know why you kept the placenta 3 years before burying it???

    The local cottage hospital puts the out of date blood on the roses (but don't tell anyone because they're not allowed to) - the rose bed is the most fantastic probably in the UK.

  4. you know have me running to my freezer to make sure nothing like that is in there.

    i've never heard of freeze-dried placenta. nor of people eating it. hmm. must taste like chicken.

    and y'all scare me with what else might be lurking in your freezer. da nator just grossed me out.

  5. Oh my God, FN, that is too funny.

    And here I thought it had been a long time since I cleaned out my freezer....

    I've used the fridge as a morgue, but not the freezer. If you leave small dead pet-type animals lying around here, you will later find their remains in the poop of my small gay homosexual dog. Of course, he was probably what done for them to begin with, so I'm sure he feels entitled to the spoils.

  6. we kept small person's placenta (mine? hers?) in the freezer then planted her tree on her first birthday. it's growing nicely in the ex's garden.

    used to love freaking squeamish friends out halfway through a chilli - just look at each other and say "does this taste right to you?"


  7. FN I once went to a dinner party at some 'right on' friends.Before dinner we were treated to a video of our uggo hostess giving birth to her daughterd.Man it was gross , I have never been able to be anywhere near this woman since , without feeling really unomfortable.... I mean , i didnt know her that well to start with , and now i have seen her twat pulsating , then stretched round a head .I cant help thinking its lurking just beneath her skirt , chewing a toffee or something.
    IT FREAKS ME OUT........

  8. My freezer, today, is a model of city hygiene.But back in the rural days...if any of my charges died I had to refrigerate(not freeze) them til I could get them to the vet for autopsy.And sometimes,if we had a permit for taxidermy, a specimen would be in the freezer til The Man had time to stuff it.And then there was the occasional road-kill...well,we had raptors,didn't we!
    But I'm happy for you and your Opie Tree.Good vibes

  9. Kristy4:31 PM

    Placenta Helper? Oh. My. God. OHMYGOD. My eyes are buring with the image, and the image is only imaginary. That's the power of placental suggestion.

    Bury. Send it down the garbage disposer. Bait a trap with it. Whatever. Just get rid. Of it.

  10. Placenta fritters. Crispy on the outside, chewy on the inside. Don't forget a twist of lemon.

  11. Did I not mention my weak stomach? I made it through childbirth twice. I do not care to deal with the placenta though, thanks very much.

  12. "placenta helper" was an snl skit, with Laraine Newman and Gilda Radner.

  13. Dear god. There should be no need in this day and age for women to got through the mess, pain and indignity of birth. Children should be conceived in a petri dish and emerge from a laboratory twenty years later.

    Some posho celebrity chef called Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall over here ate placenta on television (didn't see it, but there was a lot of fuss about it in the newspapers). Eugh. Devilled baby kidneys are a lovely hors d'oeuvre though.

  14. I have never heard of a "dogwood" tree? I wonder if it has another name over here.

  15. hendrix5:39 AM

    We've never had dead animals in the freezer but I think that's because we've always had a garden so they've been buried straight away. Mum usually plants a rose bush over them. On the day that the real Hendrix_cat departs (long away may that day be!) then I'll be on the first train to Newcastle, to continue the tradition - thank god trains don't search your bags.

    Luckily, for all my mums weird and wonderful ideas the placenta eating one was never one she had. The last time she visited though she did pull out of her handbag my brothers and mine baby id bracelets (the ones they put round your wrists when you're born to make sure that they don't muddle up the babies)and confessed that she's kept them in her handbag since she brought us home from the hospital. In a strange sort of way it was very reassuring!

    I read somewhere once that eating the placenta is supposed to minimize the risk of post-natal depression. I have to say that post-natal depression does sound nicer. However the idea of burying it and planting a tree there sounds much nicer. Should I ever have children then I think I'll do that.

  16. "Hey mom -- pass the placenta!"

    The comment about a German who gets high regularly made me choke it was so funny.

  17. danator: it's a graft, kousa x on a californicus scion. comes in white, fades gradually over three weeks to deep pink with a small flower, and scarlet fruit thereafter. it's a lovely selection!

    carmentza: do you garden? where you are, you can grow so many amazing things! if you aren't, you should, just to make me jealous!

    ziggi: waiting to put it in with the Tater man is why. not out of sentimentality or anything like that. *dries a tear* no, nothing like that at all./ive heard of that! there was a rumor floating around that a certain lab in canada does the same thing!

    pink: it wasn't freeze dried. maybe freezer burnt a little. and the weirdest thing i have in my freezer right now is seafood mix with a picture of a squid with multiple body piercings playing fan tan on the package.

    fatty: shoulda named that doggie 'Jame Gumb'! yeah, i just took a flat baby bird out of my girldogs jaws yesterday. yay. spring.

    surly: *cracking up* you need to visit. you really do. we'll do vegetarian, though. unless we find some really fresh roadkill, that is.

    beast: you, sir, have just inspired another post! oh my yes! yes, i have been entertained by near strangers similarly! ON WHAT PLANET IS THAT APPROPRIATE??? oh ew! oh gross! oh shit you cracked me up with the 'chewing a toffee' comment!

    dinah: were you wildlife rehabbers? see, now i have to ask you to do a post about something else. you, madame, have lead an interesting life!

    kristy: i swear to god. this was 22 years ago in Seattle. my midwife showed it to me. i chose to donate it to a midwifry class as a visual aid. and i hope that lunch WAS NOT served afterwards. in fact i prefer not to think about it.

    tick: go to your room. now. march.

    g: oh honestly, i know. but seeing as i'm now almost irresistably compelled to describe 'lotus birth' to you i'll just ...tear...myself..away...

    harlot: and the first time you pointed this out to me i said 'yes, and they got the idea from something that really exists' and you didn't believe me then, either. denial: sometimes it's unkind. nonetheless, there was a curry flavor, a spicy thai flavor and a chinese. tofu and tvp were suggested as 'stretchers'. SO WOO WOO TO YOU.

    betty: do people not realize that it's cannibalism? has noone ever heard of kourou? if we were meant to devour that kind of thing Edison would have never invented the gag reflex.

    frobi: i think over there it's called 'cornel'. cornus californicus is the most common one. sometimes it's called 'red osier' too.

    hendrix: yes, of the two i'd have to choose post partum depression as well. although the thought of having that for a snack is pretty depressing./makes you wonder what everyone sitting around you on the train might be packing in their carryon, doesn't it?

  18. For heaven sakes you need to keep the placenta for cloning!
    My word don't waste it on ravenous hyaena-like hippys or some short lived flowering shrubbery!

    Save it for the army of replicants that you will grow in your tool shed...first the neighbourhood..county..state..senate..white house..the world!! Muahahahah!

  19. So now there's Embryo Rising: The Series (in Ultrasound) followed by Deliverance! My daughter, who has delivered four grandthings so far, has lots of videos. We all have to sit there trying to identify wandering bits of murky stuff as human parts.

    As for the afterbirth, I seem to recall animal moms eat it, since it is extremely nourishing amd full trace elements. Just the thing after a long gruelling pregnancy.

  20. i remember that SNL skit!

    i can appreciate the evolutionary benefit of eating one's placenta (it's nutritious, food is scarce, you've just been through a taxing ordeal, etc.) but a: aren't we past that? and b: serving it to your FRIENDS???? no. just, no.

  21. ps. everyone who lives in a climate where the ground freezes has had a home pet mortuary at some point. nothin else doin.

  22. Not placenta for dinner again, and I thought the contents of my freezer were odd.

    Well they are but still.

  23. Placenta placenta placenta -nothing but placenta!! What about a nice salad?

    Maybe it would be a Caesarian salad??? **HHHHOOOOOOOO!***

  24. homoE: dammit, now you tell me! *slaps self in forehead* i completely forgot to make the army of clones, dammit.
    daveF: why do people insist on making a film recording of these things? are you planning on showing them to future generations? look! theres great grandpa Obahdiah squitting out of great great Grandmas hoo hoo! Wow! Bet it doesn't look like that now, huh?
    cbI, II: yes, I'd rather have a refreshing tequila sunrise, thanks, and/ same thing goes for humans up in Alaska, yo.
    knudie: one shudders to think, my darling. hey, doesn't it suck now that they won't let you take home the stuff they remove when they operate? i mean, it's yours, right?
    Muttley: go stand in the corner. now. don't bother Tick, he's in trouble too.

  25. you should know better than to leave tickers and mutley in a room together and left to their own devices. i'll leave you to ponder the consequences of that action.