Saturday, May 26, 2007

Yellow Tarantula Harvest Of Doom!

Sorry I aint bin around, kids; the server's been down for a couple of days.

So we went to Wal-Mart and bought a garden hose and some barbecue implements.

In the automotive section we saw a lady with bright fuschia hair in pigtails. She was wearing Strawberry Shortcake stripey tights. She was leading a small, condensed-looking redhead around who blinked and licked and gurned continuously as she stumped along. Flap stump, lick stump, squint stump, blink stump.

We saw an elderly black man weighing maybe 85 lbs flying full 'Crips' sign.

We saw a man with his few remaining hairs greased down with vaseline to a perfectly centered point in the middle of his forehead, and he had white cottonwood fluffies stuck in it.

We stood in the checkout line next to a man who farted almost continuously, a nice, neat looking average man who smelled like he was filling both shoes with diarhhea.
I checked. They weren't. But, yeah.

We then went to lunch at a locally owned 'BOO-fay' place where we were the smallest people present, including all the children.

Then we went home.

WE
ARE
AMERICAN!

18 comments:

  1. It isnt like that on the O C......
    Do you think wind man had been trying out Beast's 'Fart Yourself Thin' lentil diet !

    ReplyDelete
  2. Once again, another topic of conversation amongst Canadians.

    Gun-toting, overweight Americans.

    We get a lot of mileage out of that as conversation up here.

    That and we like to blather on about how LOUD Americans are.

    ReplyDelete
  3. beast: honestly it smelled more like parmesan methane buttfunger. like he had an ass fungus or something. i thought you were crudites and ranch dressing your way thin anywho?

    mj: hey, I'll cop. it was strange being packed yet underweight in a public BOO-fay eatin' place. so we spoke EXTRA LOUD.
    how's your holidays going? the reverse migration has begun...the lineup at the border is all usn's going up to crowd out you'uns!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I like the sound of the pink lady... I wonder what was wrong with her? Is it down to me to ask the obvious? What is the hose for??

    ReplyDelete
  5. muttley: i think that, even with a flapping, burping,condensed ginger tourettes victim in tow she felt that not enough people were noticing her. the garden hose was for the garden. we use a spring baton on the gimp.

    ReplyDelete
  6. first nations - soaker hoses work wonders in the garden. or so my tomato plants tell me.

    i try to avoid walmart. too many people see me, try to talk to me, and make comments on whatever shirt i happen to wearing. i know the comments are my fault - i have to have witty comments on them.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I WAS eating dinner, holy crap.

    I feel bad for not commenting recently. I have been reading faithfully. I think I just keep thinking you're gonna garden soon and not to get excited.

    ReplyDelete
  8. i may pay more by NOT going to box stores and choosing to eat at places where my food isn't freeze dried first, and god almighty am I glad I do. Worth every goddamn penny.

    ReplyDelete
  9. hell yeah, sugar..and we have TWO more days to go! i love me some three day weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hahaha, Happy Memorial Day weekend!

    You should go into a 24-hour Wal-Mart, late at night, and just watch what people come in to buy. It's pretty funny.

    ReplyDelete
  11. It's all down to redressing the balance. As a country, you've produced people like Hunter S Thompson, and Warren Zevon, and R A Lafferty. Creation's going to have to take a break at some point and produce some farting gnomes and walking easter bunnies. And kids who talk like Shirley Temple. And drive-through retail outlets. And Emo Phillips. Actually, I quite liked Emo.

    I'll stop now before I alienate any more friends I might have made online across the big pond.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Its Whitsun Holiday Sunday , and its tipping down with rain , some germ infested guttersnipe has given me a cold , so I shall just sit here with me nose running like a tap , trying to cough me lungs up.......shortly I have to go visit Mr C , which means I will get told off for the next 5 hours , at least I get to carouse with the dogs....yippee

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sounds like Devizes' Farmers' market (I don't know, where do those apostrophes go?) every Thursday morning, where there's definite proof that keeping it in the family wasn't what god intended.

    ReplyDelete
  14. and (as fount of all knowledge FN)(and HE if you're reading) does a lack of mix in the gene pool make for low down and large ears, not to mention the extraordinary teeth positioning?

    ReplyDelete
  15. zig - honey, if you want proof that keeping it in the family isn't what god intended, i'll send you pictures of people in my hometown. heck, of my extended family. our family tree does branch, but the branches tend to grow in circles.

    ReplyDelete
  16. ziggi - devizes farmer's market - is that the one in that big weird not-hall place opposite the Bear Hotel that smells funny? ick.

    i was in tescos this afternoon and the perfectly normal-looking, well-dressed middle-aged couple behind me were buying six 2-litre boxes of liebfraumilch and two packets of sausages. i dread to think.

    there were entirely too many hyphens in that last bit. sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  17. It's good you can appreciate your countries culture.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hey FN, yeah Walmart is an extremely colorful, weird place full of loud, obese Americans, but you know, I work part-time at a store of Thanksgiving Day parade fame and people are not much better there. You should see how they treat associates and each other! I think it may be possible that my store has more assholes per sq in than Walmart, but that's just a guess.

    ReplyDelete