Andron was, quite simply, the most God-horrid shit ever marketed. Even worse, because of it's ridiculously over-inflated claim 'Proven by science: Women are powerless once they smell it!' it rapidly became the signature scent of the desparate loser. Nothing said quite so clearly quite so LOUDLY 'I have no social skills and I live with my mother! ' than wearing Andron.
What did it smell like? Imagine the delicate aroma of a tender lime...one which Frankenstein had wiped his ass with. Sweat, limburger dick, buttfoot and a note of citrus...all these things describe the subtle, lingering fragrance of Andron. Knock a buzzard off a shitwagon...? Thank God they don't make it any more.
For a short while when it first came out Andron was marketed via the sleazebag advertisements found at the back of men's magazines and singles/swingers newsletters. For a very, very brief window of time, wearing Andron meant: " Hey! I fuck!"
But that was a very, very brief window of time, and it only said something that should have been pretty obvious anyway. Remember too, that once upon a time a perfume called 'Shalimar' said something very similar about the woman who wore it...oh yes. It was considered quite risque when it first came out...shortly after the beginning of the last century. Now it suggests orthopedic shoes and Afternoon Bible Study (although you gotta wonder if Grandma stills feels naughty wearing it.)
As a general rule of thumb, then, men should avoid wearing fragrances that were heavily marketed as magical sex bait, particularly if they came out during the Vietnam War era or before. Not only will it convey the message "Aint been laid since the night Gerald Ford took office! PLEASE BABY JESUS SEND ME SOME ASS!!!!"
...but you will, more than likely, find that you are wearing the same fragrance as her father wears.
You want to know what the ultimate turn-off is for a woman? Instant? Like a lightswitch?
Yes I really did this. Why? The man was wearing Old Spice.
My father wore Old Spice.
No soup for you!
And for some reason Old Spice continues to be popular, particularly among military guys and aw-shucks types. Why? Please, God, WHY?
No. Gentlemen, NO.
If there is one fragrance which you should avoid like the very plague, make it:
NO NO NO NO NO.
Down at the other end of the spectrum, AXE is rapidly becoming the signature scent of the 'squat to pee' set. Check that I.D. Smell like 'Axe'? He's a pup. Fact.
'What dirty boys wear'? Yes. In Jr. High.
"Anything marketed by Avon" is an entire category of fragrances that all men should avoid. Nothing says 'I live in a trailer park where no grass grows' louder than Avon for Men. Child molesters wear this shit. Yes. Her uncle Sid? The one her mom told her never to be alone in a room with? He wears this shit.
In the non-aftershave categories, the biggest offenders are two.
The first one is Right Guard spray deodorant-antiperspirant**.
Do I have to tell you this? It should be obvious, if you have a nose. The object of deodorant is to make you de-odorated, right? Not to make you smell like a shoe store full of elderly Polish men.
The second is Irish Spring bar soap. They make this crap out of real Irish people, folks! Come on! Rather stew in your own juices than wash using Irish Spring bar soap. Not only is this shit an insult to the Irish as a nation (and their dead,) it smells like that freaky pink deodorizer thing in the restroom at the gas station.
Same thing goes for perfume. Ladies, read and take note. What is your fragrance saying about YOU??
Bonnie Belle: sleeps in a 'Tigger' t-shirt
Coty: Trying to smell French, and (sadly,) succeeding.
Emeraude: 80's hair, drinks boxed wine, stands too close
VanillaFields: saving for a boob job
Rare Gold (Avon) : lives in, has lived in or is destined to inhabit a mobile home
Poison: " "
Opium: " "
Anaiis Anaiis: dom/switch, works in a library
J-lo: ass wider than shoulders, myspace addict
ex*claim*a*tion: still convinced she can pull off the 'virgin' thing.
White Shoulders: aging badly ( In Oregon: gay, aging badly. )
Lady Stetson: convinced she can line dance, will demonstrate same after 2 beers, cries easily.
...it gets worse. Lady Stetson inevitably graduates to
Krystal: perm with visible scalp, goes through a lot of pantiliners
Charlie: works in banking, diabetic, son still lives at home
Patchouli: leather, hot, righteous titties
White Diamonds: old
Clinique: old hypochondriac
Estee Lauder: old and wants you to think she's from New York
Charisma (Avon) : old, always orders a cocktail, wears a 'Longline' bra
Chanel #5 : old, pretentious
Red Door: old, feels up waiters
Guerlain: old, addicted to prescription medications
4711: very likely deceased
Now you are all set! Spritz on the appropriate fragrance and go hit that stuff!
I can't do anything about the polyester slacks or the tape on the glasses, but I'm not in the business of working miracles here. God helps those who help themselves. Still, isn't it nice to know that, even though you might be one, you no longer have to smell like an asshole?
* http://www.sosuave.com. Use the 'search' function to find the post on cologne. It's hysterical!
** In fact, Right Guard is used by undertakers. They spray it into the mouths of the dearly departed before they glue the lips shut. This kills the 'dead' smell before it leaks out the nose. Oh yes.
Ok fine not really.