Sunday, June 24, 2007

Violet Weasel The Gland Is Powerful ! NauseaTail Revenge! !

Last post I mentioned a men's aftershave fragrance called 'Andron' that came out in the late 70's. If you go to this* site (brought to my attention by the lovely and talented Homo Escapeons) you can read the masturbatory fantasies-recounted-as-facts of one (chinless, single, Linux-coding) individual who apparently swore by this crap back when. Oh man, the chicks were ALL OVER ME! It was CRAZY I tell you!
Riiiiiiight.

Andron was, quite simply, the most God-horrid shit ever marketed. Even worse, because of it's ridiculously over-inflated claim 'Proven by science: Women are powerless once they smell it!' it rapidly became the signature scent of the desparate loser. Nothing said quite so clearly quite so LOUDLY 'I have no social skills and I live with my mother! ' than wearing Andron.

What did it smell like? Imagine the delicate aroma of a tender lime...one which Frankenstein had wiped his ass with. Sweat, limburger dick, buttfoot and a note of citrus...all these things describe the subtle, lingering fragrance of Andron. Knock a buzzard off a shitwagon...? Thank God they don't make it any more.

For a short while when it first came out Andron was marketed via the sleazebag advertisements found at the back of men's magazines and singles/swingers newsletters. For a very, very brief window of time, wearing Andron meant: " Hey! I fuck!"
But that was a very, very brief window of time, and it only said something that should have been pretty obvious anyway. Remember too, that once upon a time a perfume called 'Shalimar' said something very similar about the woman who wore it...oh yes. It was considered quite risque when it first came out...shortly after the beginning of the last century. Now it suggests orthopedic shoes and Afternoon Bible Study (although you gotta wonder if Grandma stills feels naughty wearing it.)

As a general rule of thumb, then, men should avoid wearing fragrances that were heavily marketed as magical sex bait, particularly if they came out during the Vietnam War era or before. Not only will it convey the message "Aint been laid since the night Gerald Ford took office! PLEASE BABY JESUS SEND ME SOME ASS!!!!"
...but you will, more than likely, find that you are wearing the same fragrance as her father wears.

You want to know what the ultimate turn-off is for a woman? Instant? Like a lightswitch?
KISSING A MAN WHO SMELLS LIKE HER FATHER.
Once upon a time, I bagged a fineass sailor boy who was all ready to present arms- when I got a whiff of his neck. Hoo! FULL REVERSE! Sent his fuzzy ass right into the shower.
Yes I really did this. Why? The man was wearing Old Spice.
My father wore Old Spice.
No soup for you!

And for some reason Old Spice continues to be popular, particularly among military guys and aw-shucks types. Why? Please, God, WHY?
No. Gentlemen, NO.
If there is one fragrance which you should avoid like the very plague, make it:

Old Spice.

NO.
NO NO NO NO NO.
NEVER.
EVER.
EVER.

Because everybody's father smells like Old Spice. And that's just ICKY.

Similarly: Bay Rum, Tres Flores, Wild Country, Ebony, Jovan Musk for Men, Hai Karate, Brut, Mennen Skin Bracer or AquaVelva. None of these convey 'hot sex ahead' to anyone with functioning sinuses. What they convey is that lingering funk in the hallway outside grandpa's bathroom.

Down at the other end of the spectrum, AXE is rapidly becoming the signature scent of the 'squat to pee' set. Check that I.D. Smell like 'Axe'? He's a pup. Fact.
'What dirty boys wear'? Yes. In Jr. High.

"Anything marketed by Avon" is an entire category of fragrances that all men should avoid. Nothing says 'I live in a trailer park where no grass grows' louder than Avon for Men. Child molesters wear this shit. Yes. Her uncle Sid? The one her mom told her never to be alone in a room with? He wears this shit.

In the non-aftershave categories, the biggest offenders are two.
The first one is Right Guard spray deodorant-antiperspirant**.
Do I have to tell you this? It should be obvious, if you have a nose. The object of deodorant is to make you de-odorated, right? Not to make you smell like a shoe store full of elderly Polish men.

The second is Irish Spring bar soap. They make this crap out of real Irish people, folks! Come on! Rather stew in your own juices than wash using Irish Spring bar soap. Not only is this shit an insult to the Irish as a nation (and their dead,) it smells like that freaky pink deodorizer thing in the restroom at the gas station.

LENGTHY DIGRESSION:
Same thing goes for perfume. Ladies, read and take note. What is your fragrance saying about YOU??


Bonnie Belle: sleeps in a 'Tigger' t-shirt
Coty: Trying to smell French, and (sadly,) succeeding.
Emeraude: 80's hair, drinks boxed wine, stands too close
VanillaFields: saving for a boob job
Rare Gold (Avon) : lives in, has lived in or is destined to inhabit a mobile home
Obsession: perimenopausal
Poison: " "
Opium: " "
Anaiis Anaiis: dom/switch, works in a library
J-lo: ass wider than shoulders, myspace addict
ex*claim*a*tion: still convinced she can pull off the 'virgin' thing.
White Shoulders: aging badly ( In Oregon: gay, aging badly. )
Lady Stetson: convinced she can line dance, will demonstrate same after 2 beers, cries easily.
...it gets worse. Lady Stetson inevitably graduates to
Krystal: perm with visible scalp, goes through a lot of pantiliners
Charlie: works in banking, diabetic, son still lives at home
Patchouli: leather, hot, righteous titties
White Diamonds: old
Clinique: old hypochondriac
Estee Lauder: old and wants you to think she's from New York
Charisma (Avon) : old, always orders a cocktail, wears a 'Longline' bra
Chanel #5 : old, pretentious
Red Door: old, feels up waiters
Guerlain: old, addicted to prescription medications
4711: very likely deceased
___________________________

Now you are all set! Spritz on the appropriate fragrance and go hit that stuff!
I can't do anything about the polyester slacks or the tape on the glasses, but I'm not in the business of working miracles here. God helps those who help themselves. Still, isn't it nice to know that, even though you might be one, you no longer have to smell like an asshole?

__________________________________

* http://www.sosuave.com. Use the 'search' function to find the post on cologne. It's hysterical!


** In fact, Right Guard is used by undertakers. They spray it into the mouths of the dearly departed before they glue the lips shut. This kills the 'dead' smell before it leaks out the nose. Oh yes.


Ok fine not really.

35 comments:

  1. okay, tell the truth. you're my mother or you live next door to my mother. you just described my father. wild country and rightguard. well, he now wears secret, but that's a different story.

    glad to see my perfume isn't on that list. what do i wear? why, the perfume "pink". like i would wear something else that didn't have my name on it?

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  2. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!

    I'm spoiled - the man does NOT wear any cologne of any kind, and will wash with extra water so no tea tree soap smell remains to offend my sensitive nose.

    Cologne = Evil

    Bad Cologne = 7th Circle of Hades

    WTF is up with Axe? A friend of mine wears it and it smells like ASS.

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  3. "As a general rule of thumb, then, men should avoid wearing fragrances that were heavily marketed as magical sex bait, particularly if they came out during the Vietnam War era or before."

    Oh hell, I loved the smell of napalm first thing in the morning. Now I'm going to have to look for something else.

    Perhaps Eau de Passe?

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  4. Isn't Velveta the stuff you pour into your engine coolant...oh! no, that's Valvolene.(And that sounds like the lube used by gynaecologists!)
    Right on the button with this one, girl! In a previous and penniless life, I flogged Avon for a while and couldn't wait to hit the shower after I'd been showing samples.Ychh!To my nose, they all smelt the same, mens and womens _ghastly! But it paid the landlord for a few months.

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  5. A-ha. Now I see that you and I were on the same psychic wavelength. Is that why I suddenly felt like weeding?

    I was my contention at the time - and still is - that a woman wearing something like Old Spice, Pinaud Clubman or some version of Bay Rum is not just an age-bending genderfuck, but smells very different than a man wearing it. But then, I was dabbled in using Brylcreem and Top Brass for a while, out of some twisted baby lesbian logic.

    I don't really wear scents anymore, but if I do, I slap on the Burt's Bees Bay Rum. It's a different smell than other bay rums - sort of like a spice pomander. And it evaporates and blends fast.

    Mrs. Nator wears Amarige. Analysis?

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  6. Joann5:39 PM

    My husband wears something that he spent 75$ on. It's good - but come on - that good? But hey - it is his bonus money from work so he can do what he wants with it. Obviously not memorable enough if I can't remember the name of it.

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  7. hehe..best fucking post ever. I dated a guy once who wore Drakkar Noir and left the shite all over my sheets...smelled like weasel piss.

    You rock my world sister...

    Try comments agin..should be working...I hope.

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  8. I cannot believe you dissed me the other day for wearing Estee Lauder. Pleasures has got to be the best perfume evar. Yes, evAr.
    I wear Clinique too! Clinique Happy.
    But I will wear Red Door when I am old, according to you.

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  9. I go week at the knees for Patchouli. There again, I'm an old git.

    Mind you, I also go week at the knees at the aroma of burnt Castrol 'R'.

    Must be a petrol head thing.

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  10. Dang it woman, you just called me perimenopausal.

    What's wrong with Opium? :grin:

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  11. "For a very, very brief window of time, wearing Andron meant: " Hey! I fuck!""

    Wait, I'm confused. Is there any guy, ever, who didn't want to fuck, cologne or no?

    And you really had me worried with that Shalimar thing for a minute there; my mom used to wear Shalimar, and I really don't want to think of "my mom" and "fucking" ever, ever, EVER in the same thought.

    Okay, I'm worried, but I'm bracing myself for it.... My perfume and the Spouse Sparrow's cologne aren't on the list. Analysis, por favor? Me: Paloma Picasso. Spouse Sparrow: Liz Claiborne Sport for Men.

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  12. my grandfather wore old spice. OS cologne, OS deodorant, OS aftershave, OS soap, the whole lot.

    He also had a colostomy, so the smell of OS is permanantly mixed in my brain with old man poo. it's not good, not good at all.


    I wear Jessica McClintoc, or Dune, or just a dab of pure jasmine extract. What does that say about me?

    My favorite smell on a man is fresh sweat. Stale sweat, no; but fresh sweat? Oh YES, baby! Pirate is sweaty. Mmmmm.

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  13. My dad wore 'Old Spice' didnt eveyones? I miss the old poop, he's been gone 10 years. So out comes the old fragrance bottle. funny what smells do to your memory. Love the blog. I am so grateful I have never experienced Andron. ick and then some

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  14. BTW, I think the 70s and 80s were the high point for cheap men's colognes and aftershaves. You don't see ads for them all the time like back then. I remember almost every Christmas as a kid giving my dad some kind of cheap aftershave set. He did wear OS sometime, but his favourites were English Leather Lime and Canoe.

    Come to think of it, he generally acted happy no matter what kind he got, and would wear it now and then. The other man I currently know in his 60s, my mom's ex-bf, is the same way - he just likes aftershave, doesn't matter what kind; he likes to try new kinds. I wonder if it's a demographic thing?

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  15. Chanel 5 - you've got me exactly!

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  16. Old Spice is even more revolting when its mixed with body odour! they pat it over their freshly shaved faces and forget to put on deodorant.

    *pukes*

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  17. Aw, my dad used to wear Old Spice, too. So, yeah.. good point there.

    Like Tickers, patchouli tends to do weird things to me. I like to think that it's an associative thing because i'm really not a dirty hippie. But oh, that guy i used to know who wore it? *Swoon* I guess he must have had righteous titties, but i don't really remember that.

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  18. Classic lamentations!
    After I read this I walked Ridz to school and a young turk strolled past us absolutely soaked in AXE.
    I laughed OUT LOUD because I could still smell him 5 minutes later on my way home..
    but isn't that better than what he would smell like without it?

    I have to study this list. Did you do Brut? My favorite cologne is one suggested by Don Rickles called Evening in Detroit.

    I adore the list of lady smells absolutely first rate comedy!
    You kill me.

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  19. This is sooo good - I chuckled all the way through.

    I don't wear anything these days just a sport deodorant. Occasionally a splash of CK1 on the armpits of a shirt that has to do another day before washing. "Chemistry" by Clinique was a favourite before it was discontinued, also liked the smell of Cacheral (? spelling) on others as well as the original Dunhill mens fragrance (contains Patchouli).
    For some reason a woman wearing "Private Collection" by Estee Lauder sends me weak at the knees - something must have happened in a previous life.

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  20. the cologne that really trips my trigger is polo. that and cool water. oooooohhhhhhh baby!

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  21. Why's Opium perimenopausal?

    How dare you be so accurate!

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  22. We have a male 'fragrance' called Lynx. It's supposed to make females growl and go all purry and feline like.

    Does it fuck. They just pity you.

    Avon 'skin so soft' is used as an insect repellent in Scotland.

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  23. HA, hilarious. Thankfully, none of mine that enter into permanent rotation made your list. My boyfriend does love his IrishSpring soap, but I won't buy him the green one, but the only the one that's blue? Shame about those Irish people. I think perhaps we should have a moment of silence in their memory.

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  24. pink: I am honored to have someone with their own line of signature fragrances *bows, scrapes*

    tidalgrrl: i suspect the thing with axe is called MARKETING. now lil dutch boys from lynden can smell like hot cali gangstas! (who all smell like the 50.00 a bottle stuff.)

    sopwith: no, geeze, for heavens' sake. let little petal choose it for you and you can't go wrong. even if your eyebrows fall off, at least one of you is happy.

    dinahmow: i would like to apologize to the citizens of your fine country for AVON. i had no idea we were foisting this shit off on the rest of the world. crap.

    danator: hell yeah, bert products are superior. their bay rum is warm honey-clove-ish to me; really nice. in Oregon White Shoulders is what all the mean old 'grab my beltloop' girls wore. it came from back in the day when all the ladies' restrooms had those 25 cents a squirt perfume dispensers-My Sin, White Shoulders and Evening in Paris. why White Shoulders...? I dunno. same reason the boys were wearing 'Lagerfeld', i guess. boy am i dating myself.

    joanne: yay! you're back! i say as long as the paper isn't actively falling down off the walls it's probably ok. but dang...thats expensive juice.

    AM: i kinda like Drakkar Noir. not eight gallons at a time, though - a little of that does go a long way for some reason, but it's nice. just not so much that the roaches are all dying out in the middle of the floor.

    ssa: old, feels up waiters? that's my girl!! (what happened to oceana? that was nice stuff.) in your case, you just have to pin one of your paycheck stubs to your collar. Eau de Engineer! Cha-Ching!!

    tick: you and my Biker, then. obviously men of taste and distinction!!

    pam: oo, you cougar you!!:) hey-know who used to wear your fragrance? one of my favorite actresses of all time: Shelley Winters!

    Fatty: see, you just hadda be all different. i'll venture a guess and say
    paloma picasso: hot, nose on cheek
    lcSport: large hands and feet

    cb: once again we are on the same wavelength. old spice=BAAAAAAAAD. jasmine = yuuuuuuuuuuum!
    sweaty mens = uberYUM!

    gale: thank your lucky star you're too young to remember Andron. yeah, old spice wasn't bad stuff at all. its just the DAD ASSOCIATION right at a time you do NOT want that image in your head, y'know??

    danator: it has to be. so much of it is marketing. and it's obviously worked on me, too..i just can't see someone my father in law's age wearing, say, CK Men, even though it would probably smell just fine.

    ara: see, i had you pegged for 'Anaiis Anaiis'!

    junglyjane: all your men smell of burning gasoline and SIN.

    claire: well there ya go. my Biker and I both wear patchouli and we both have righteous titties. it's a boob thing. only the very sexy can pull off the provocative aroma of patchouli, you see.

    homoE: i did indeed...it's on my list of don'ts. a teacher i had in jr. hi wore Brut. yes, Brut.
    his name? Forest Truby.
    his profession? science
    his residence? with his MOTHER.
    no lie. any mental images conjured up by the above? are accurate.

    frobi: you see, you are a man of taste. CK's mens line is yummy! (oo ya tart you!) i don't know what to tell you about the estee lauder thing, though. maybe my daughter is on to something...? i mean, geeziz...

    pink: that good, huh? On that SoSuave site a lot of people agree with you on both counts. my days of huffing young neck are long past so I couldn't say.*sprints to nearest cologne counter, surrounds self in chemical haze*

    ziggi: because i said so.

    garfy: oh geeze...Lynx? that has some medieval associations that don't bear repeating. and avon sss? here too! it's the ammonia content! mmmmmm, ammonia!

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  25. My dad wore Old Spice...but dang it iffin for the life of me I don't recall the smell.

    Does that mean I'm a bad daughter?

    I do however remember him giving us four peas each on Mother's Day. Yeah, he was a scarce cooking chef.

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  26. What great memories you evoked! After all, isn't smell the one sense that brings everything back, no matter how repulsive the scent?
    You're the No. 1 blogger!

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  27. The Spouse Sparrow said that Axe is the same as Lynx. Axe = America, Lynx = UK. He also says roach spray smells better than either of them.

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  28. Marketing 'guy' colognes peaked in the 70s at the height of the Baby Boomer mating/divorce arc...my question to you is, why the sudden resurgence in having men smell better some thirty years later?

    Baby Boomers have already been divorced a couple of times ((gasp)) OMG don't tell me that the Boomer's parents and the Echo Boomers getting divorced already?!

    How about Beckham Cologne? Clairborne Curve Chill, Burberry Brit, Calvin's Obsession Night, and of course Mickey Mouse by Disney..I kid you not..only in Amerika!

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  29. My father didn't wear Old Spice so it doesn't turn my stomach the way so many do.

    In general, I don't want to smell anyone's cologne unless I'm close enough to lick them. I used to date a guy who didn't use manufactured scents in any way, but he drank a lot of beer with lime in it. The beer didn't come out in his sweat, but the lime did and it was divine. It helped that he was a dizzyingly phenominal shag.

    Patchouli makes me want to hurl.

    I'm thrilled that my perfume didn't make the mockery list.

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  30. What a marvellous, marvellous post! That list of lady's fragrances and their associated meanings should become one of those wildly-forwarded internet thangs. I just won't tell my mum, who's a Red Door fan. (She used to do Vanderbilt, having graduated from Tweed, le parfum par Lentheric.)

    On the subject of smelling like as asshole, my Lovely Husband™ has treated himself to some Kingdom by Alexander McQueen. It claims to be akin to the musky, heady aroma of a gentleman's asscrack. Nice.

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  31. My perfume very clearly says "My husband did all his Christmas shopping in the airport duty free store a few years ago." It's Dior's J'Adore, and it sits on a shelf looking pretty. I never actually wear it.

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  32. I like Aldi own brands, Tesco Economy products and creosote... also coaltar soap..

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  33. awaiting: i love the term 'scarce cooking chef'. did you ever get 'hot water and a spoon' for dinner? it was my mom's specialty.

    iam: welcome howdy! and gracious, my blushes! you want a #1 blogger, go see anyone in my comments lounge.

    fatty: no way! why do they think that 'Axe' is a more american selling name than 'Lynx', i wonder? they both smell like underage wank.

    homoE: you know, you're right? it's like the 70's all over again. well, here we are on the brink of stagflation, involved in another vietnam...why not spend all your coin on stinky stuff?
    'Oh Chaz my Chaz,
    I long to smell ye...
    oh awaaaaaay, you sexy bastard...
    oh Chazzie juice, I long to huff you, oh away, I've had a hot flaaaash...
    (to the tune of 'Shenendoah')

    freshH: howdy! isn't lime divine on a man? you took me right back to a particularly hot episode and now I'm all fidgety.

    qenny: so you already knew about your mom feling up waiters? i hope this wasn't news to you. about the essence of someone elses asscrack i will remain silent.

    alala: I remember their ad campaign a few Xmasses back. I always felt sorry for the poor girl being smelted down into a vat of molten brass shavings....


    Muttley: what HAVE you been rolling in, you bad, bad boy? you need a bath. come to momma.

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  34. *dyin heah* too damn funny, sugar..but hell, i live in the south...land of too much perfume and big ass hair

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  35. hendrix11:16 PM

    Don't think we had Andron over here (or if we did I can't remember it) but it sounds similar to Brut.
    Got to say my grandad wore Old Spice so I quite like how it smells although I have to agree with you - it's not exactly condusive to getting romantic for that very reason. F doesn't wear aftershave - but he does use sandalwood soap which smells really good.

    You got me on the perfumes. I wore Guerlain for a while - stopped wearing it (although the addiction to prescription medicines remains). Went through a phase of loving Penhaligons Rose perfume but it got too cloying. Absolutely adored Aramis New West but they discontinued it. So I've sort of given up on perfume for a while, especially as the only one I found which I really like - Montana's Just Me isn't available in this country and I don't go to France often enough to stock up on it. Now, if it's a special occasion then I just put a couple of drops of Ylang Ylang oil in the bath and that has to do. Would love to have a proper perfume again though, just can't find one that I don't hate after wearing it for an hour.

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