Sunday, August 05, 2007

on vacation!

I'm going to take a vacation! Yay! See you in a few days, my darlings!

I will leave you with some helpful advice.
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How many times have you been sitting at a party, enjoying the summer weather, sipping your daiquiri out of a coconut, when suddenly your entire evening was just shot all to heck by an inadvertant nad shot? This happens to me all the time. Now normally I welcome happy accidents like this, provided the model is reasonably attractive and is nobody I know.
The problem is, that's not what I get. No, what I get are inadvertent nad shots from people whose nads I do NOT want to see. Mainly family.
Mainly from the Biker's side.

I just attended a family reunion and the attire of the day was cargo shorts. These things:

Note the fit. Loose. Airy. Informal. Comfortable. To hell with underpants!
Now that's all well and good. I have nothing against cargo shorts. I own cargo shorts. Hell, I was wearing them on this particular occasion. But there's a big difference between a woman wearing cargo shorts in the summertime, and a man....That difference is that women don't get dangly nethers in hot weather.

note: model is a white european. however the same rule applies for all shorts-wearing races.

Everything is copacetic as long as 1. it's been a breezy day, and 2. the shorts-wearing male in question is standing up, and 3. on the same level as those surrounding him. But in my case the gods have not been so kind. Gentlemen, there is a reason your mother was always nagging you to sit nicely and wear your uns.

...sheep may safely graze. nothing to see here, folks, move along.



This is the reason:

...thunderbolts and lightning very very frightening me.

Let's say you have some dim inkling that when you sit like this things seem a little breezier than you'd generally expect. Fine. Just don't deceive yourself into thinking that crossing your legs takes care of this problem:

Same problem... only now the nads in question hang out even further and are a strange shade of vermilion.

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THIS. Trust me.
Particularly close family members.*

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*does not apply south of the Mason-Dixon line or in the following starred counties in the state of Oregon:

25 comments:

  1. Hay I'm first!

    This is a well known trick for picking up wimmen, the women's eyes are immediately drawn to the hairy globes, stirring up a primeval feeling in the woman that this man could sire many healthy children. It's Nature working!

    Q: do straight men shave their balls?

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  2. frobi: 1.so you come from the SOUTH of england, then?
    2. apparently so! i've seen more young, straight shiny scrotum this summer than carter has little liver pills. it's festive, actually. like christmas ornaments. bumpy wrinkly ones that smell like scrotum.

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  3. If it's really getting to you, get some cans of that spray foam they sell in builder's stores for filling cavities, and just spray a dollop up each leg of the shorts.

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  4. I know just what you mean - it has been unseasonably warm today and a visiting Uncle (70ish) was displaying just such an obscenity - it quite out me off my dinner and train of thought. (It wasn't shaved though, and I really can't believe men, straight gay or in between, would shave them - no, really? for god's sake, anything to cop a feel of themselves)

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  5. Hope you holiday doesn't end up being a load of balls.
    Sorry, that's the best I can do. It's Sunday.

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  6. Just send all the shots to me and I'll create a Gonad Wall of Shame.

    p.s. I'll miss you.

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  7. It's not the idea of shaving that unnerves me - that's just time-consuming and fiddly. It's the itchy regrowth that puts me off. I live in the tropics, fchrisakes, it's uncomfortable enough already!

    On similar lines... i was watching that movie about Bettie Page last night (v good incidentally), and I started wondering when I last saw an untonsured ladypelt in a Hollywood film.

    Have a good trip, babe. Come back with some tall tales of debauchery.

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  8. FN , Firstly have a good vacation .

    Nothing wrong with airing ya plums in the warm weather , polish them first for that added WOW factor.
    I have witnessed a direct female equivalent at summer BBQ's , usually sported by the rather plumper (but not willing to accept it) ladies , who squeeze themselves into very skimpy shorts , and then subject the unwary to a flash of , what I shall refer to euphemistically as, 'carniverous camel toe' or 'Chewin Cloth' to give it its shortened name .
    BBQ's are a minefield for those of a delicate disposition !

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  9. Oh God, my dad does that. And he wears short shorts. And he doesn't care.

    And with that thought, I will bid you a good vacation.

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  10. why aren't men wearing underwear?
    are there leagues of men out there going commando? i really had no idea.


    Love your visual aids, btw. Beautifully done, and so accurate.

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  11. You are doing very well with your drawing program.Nice sample pics. But why don't you start using your camera? A hall of fame album that you bring along to the next meeting might provide some interesting responses. (send the pics to MJ too)

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  12. Perhaps there should be a return to fashion for the golfing plus four, or knickerbockers. In those days, men were gentlemen and all was safely gathered in.

    Hope you have a great holiday that's devoid of unwanted nad exposure.

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  13. Wouldn't dream to venture out with out fully supporting underwear.

    Have a nice vacation.

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  14. I rather wish I hadn't read this...it flashed up a ghastly memory of a neighbour at haymaking time.
    I look forward to hearing about your trip.Steer clear of scooter trash!

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  15. Hope you enjoy yourself...and remember...iffin you should come across a certain gray haired individual who is the apple of my eye and whom also happens to have a bid in the presidential election...please feel more than free to pick him up for me.

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  16. Kristy10:59 PM

    Enjoy Chelan! I think you should do the paragliding thing. And then let me know if it was fun. I'm too much of a weenie to try.

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  17. Hurry back.

    Frobi and Mutley's tomatoes are dying.

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  18. Was this another art post? Because, clearly, that last "WRONG" picture is Art.

    Have a great trip!

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  19. Dont you yanks have undies? Have a nice vacation Ms FN!! Try not to hurt people...

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  20. I get asked all the time if people can see my balls, I thought everyman did.

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  21. Scrutinizing scrotums, whether scruffy, squeaky clean, or scrumptious, is a scurrilous and scary thing to squander valuable holidy time on unless you are not the least bit squeamish and heading for Squamish.

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  22. aren't you back yet?Its been four days already... I hope you get me a pressie... I like pressies!!

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  23. HE: I think she's more likely headed to Snohomish than Squamish.

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  24. Thanks for the warning. I just cancelled all further family gatherings for the forseeable future.

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  25. I love the illustrations. I've printed them off and adorned my dining room.

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