Sunday, March 30, 2008

REVEALED!!! The secret of Freemasonry is....

Masonic meatballs!
...and because I realize that not everyone is fortunate enough to live in a country that has normal measurements which make sense, here's your conversion site* down in the footie notes.
This one is worth it, kids.

meatball recipe:

1/2 cup cornstarch mixed with 1/2 cup of plain white flour for dusting, set aside in a bowl. Save what you don't use for dusting, you'll need it for the gravy!

2 lbs ground pork, 2 lbs ground beef. (beef can be extra lean; the pork will make up the fat.)
1 cup dry white bread crumbs
1 egg
1/3 to 1/2 cup mayonnaise
nutmeg 1/2 tsp
allspice 1/2 tsp
3 tbls minced shallot
1/2 cup (after cutting) fresh minced parsley

mix this together very very well, and let chill, covered, overnight in fridge.

The next day, form into ping pong-sized balls.
dust with flour, roll between hands while shaking off excess
and then bake on a lightly oiled sheet pan for 20 minutes at 400f.

Once they come out of the oven, let them sit for 20 minutes or so, then dump them into a baking dish large enough to hold them 1 layer deep. You can use two dishes if you have to; it doesn't matter.

Gravy recipe:

4 cups beef stock
1/2 cup lager beer

1 cup milk +the mixture you used to dust the meatballs, whatever there is left of it, to make a slurry with the milk.

1/3 cup plain yogurt
1/2 cup white breadcrumbs, toasted brown VERY IMPORTANT
1/4 cup minced shallot
1/2 cup fresh minced parsley
(optional-a few shakes of ranch dressing sprinkles)
(optional-salt up using powdered chicken bouillon instead of plain salt)
1/3 tsp. white pepper
1/3 tsp. nutmeg
dill spice-be careful

Dump it all in a pot on the cold stovetop and bring it up to 'high' while you stir. Not like a windmill in a high gale, just enough to keep it mixed and off the bottom of the pot.

A word of caution: when you first mix this sauce up it will have a really strange, sourish backbite to it, and you'll think 'Nations, you're nuts.' I am, but not when it comes to this sauce. It tones way down and finishes by being let to cook in for a long time in the oven with the meatballs.

When the sauce kicks, take off the fire and dump it over the meatballs, and make sure you coat each one. (If it seems like its on the watery side, stir in another half-cup of breadcrumbs before you dump it over the meatballs. Better to err on the side of too thick now; you can thin it down with milk or bouillion later before you serve it.)


Replace the meatballs with the gravy in the oven, and turn the heat down to 275. Yes, 275f.

Hold it there for at least 3 hours.

Yes, really.

If you were to bake this like a standard casserole (at 375 or 400 for 30 minutes) it would turn out tasting completely weird. And don't even think about trying it in a crockpot. No, baking it long and low like this makes everything kind of get all brown and cooked in and good. It's absolutely necessary to developing the flavor. I don't know why this works but it does.

As it bakes it will get cracked and brown on top and look kind of ugly. Check it a couple times to see that it doesn't get too dried out, though; float a little milk on top if it looks like its getting too shallow. I had to about 45 minutes before I took it out.

Before you serve it, mix it all around gently. It will then turn a nice yellowy-gold color.

Now serve it with riced potatoes. Noodles would be great too!

to recap:
mix up meatballs, chill overnight
make meatballs
bake meatballs
make sauce
dump over meatballs
put in slow oven
catch a Mythbusters marathon, crack a few beers, nap



  1. I accidentally snorted the 1/2 cup of plain white flour.

    If you didn't want me to snort it, why'd you leave it out like that on your kitchen counter?

  2. mj: and why did i cut it up into lines and leave a straw next to it? PWNED!! *runs off laughing maniacally*

  3. All I can think of right now is of meatballs.

    Dang you!

    Now I am applying at

  4. Oh my gawd! I just gained 10 pounds reading this you have anything that will automatically lose 10 pounds? That would be cool.
    I am going to get a pencil/paper and write this down....mmmmmm

  5. I'm so useless that I don't even know what riced potatoes are (*blushes and looks at floor*)

    However, my father in law is a Freemason, so I could tell you a few secrets about how ridiculous Ladies Night is, or how Big Fat Tony Jacks has joined the local lodge. Better not, though, because I'll probably be murdered.


    GALE: nope, it aint diet food for sure.

    betty: this thing here: a ricer. its just a big garlic press, really. all you do is drop boiled potatoes into it and squish them through. They get a nice, light, melty texture that mashing doesn't give you. and yes, my fil is a past master of the Lodge. he assures me that meatballs are in fact the big secret.

  7. I got drunk and ate the recipe ingredients in order of listing...

  8. I think I'll stick to climbing fences, walking on walls (haven't mastered water yet)and making rude hand gestures - meatballs? pah!

  9. I still haven't recovered from Ma Beastie's curry.

  10. damn, that sounds delish! i might just have to have a party!

  11. mmmm, meatballs.

    oh, and betty - weren't ladies' nights weird?

  12. am i the only one wondering what exactly makes these masonic meatballs?

  13. This, clearly, is what folk ate before "fast food" became the rage.I recall my mother having something like this in the oven at lunchtime and the afternoons used to drag by til dinner.We always minced our own beef, but for pork mince she asked the butcher for fine-ground.
    (I think it was a Sacandinavian family recipe)

  14. gaskin: see, now, I'm drunk and I just swept the sidewalk. must be a cultural thing. huh.

    ziggi: well yeah, but nothing could be simpler! I MEAN TO BRING MEATBALLS TO THE MASSES! try the meatballs.

    tick: i understand it was quite a lower-intestinal delight.

    savannah: if you make tiny, tiny meatballs, you can serve them on toothpicks and be all classay!

    surly: oh, more secrety masonic stuff, huh? fine. just fine. *snuffles*

    cb: they cannot be revealed even unto ones own confessor. they are SECRET MEATBALLS. SHHHHHHH.

    dinah: nothing could be more simple, though. the prep is literally a matter of 20 minutes tops, all told...the rest of it is hanging out, recording mix tapes, taking bong hits, cracking the lager, channel surfing....

  15. I am not falling for that 'Try this recipe Beastie ' It will probably have my intestines pumping out ping pong balls of half digested goo like a deranged paint ball magnum.

  16. secret, huh? boy are you a fucking lousy mason!

  17. Where does the rolled up trouser leg , a nipple and a trowel come in then ?????

  18. Anonymous7:53 AM

    *food fight*

    *smashes rice potatoes into beast's face*

    *searches for inner voices to exact her revenge*

  19. beast: fine. more for us.

    cb: you mean to tell me that this isn't a secure medium? CURSES

    beast: thats how you have to dress while you cook it.

    pink: *dumps meatballs down cleavage, passes out spoons to Mississippi*

  20. ...PINKS cleavage, not mine. Russia already has meatballs.

  21. Anonymous8:06 AM

    so cute, so funny, so little time to stay and play.

    *pours gravy down fn's , well shit, she done took off her clothes, now ain't nothing to pour down.*