Tuesday, April 22, 2008

RERUN: The DaVinci Code: Fiction or Documentary?

I need to garden and you need something to read. It's either this, or dredge up some more stories about the Meadows family, and NOBODY WANTS THAT, do they.
Have I edited this? Yes, I have. Because I can.

Anyone who has read 'The DaVinci Code' knows that religious art is teeming with secret symbols and messages; truths only meant to be divined by the initiate; truths consciously withheld from the greater part of mankind by a jealous Papacy and the universal, unswerving complicity of Catholicisms' innumerable adherents. Secret, secret truths. Which are secret.

While I was still too small to give my consent my initiation into the rites of the Roman Church began. Each new year built new levels of esoteric knowledge onto that primary foundation, each stage of indoctrination capped off by rites, obeisances and cryptic oaths administered by black clad virginal acolytes of the inner circle.

By the time I had reached adulthood I was ready to go forth and fulfill my role in the Popes great army of world domination.
My orders: Seize control.
My rank: Uterus.

I have come to the conclusion that to continue to hide these secret teachings from the rest of mankind is to do my fellow man a grave disservice. Therefore let me begin by revealing a despicable incident known as The Suppression of J. M. Barrie:

...'We simply do not see the Blessed Mother battling pirates' says Rome.

The first version of 'Peter Pan' was banned by Pope Pius X.

Oh yes....our obedience was never taken for granted. Here is a surveillance device familiar in all Catholic homes:
The Disaproving Icon.

"The saints are very, very disappointed in you.
The saints are ALWAYS very, very disappointed in you."

The tentacles of the Pope remain a strong yet invisible presence in modern popular culture. Here is the proposed cover art for 'Hallelujia Kid Hitz volume 14' featuring Sir Mix A Lot:

"...I like big butts but I can't deny...that horse is gonna smush that guy!"

Oh yes. The Church is 'Down' with the 'Street'.

The true message of many paintings has long been a subject of debate among scholars. Know them now.

The flying babies failing to arouse St. John's enthusiasm at the prospect of being martyred in boiling oil.

You cannot escape the possibility of uninvited company when you have a glowing baby.

If Mary had owned one of those really big bug zappers history would be different.

Not even matters of the most basic household management or personal life were exempt from the mandates of the Church:

"...Yes I know you're the King of the Beasts and I know you have wings but as long as you live in this house you'll crap in that box."

When the hallucinations get shitty about your spelling it's time to go to bed.

Things you leave outside during a tornado will get blown away.
Know where your grandpa is.

Before you demand that miracle, balance how much you really miss the deceased with 1. how dead he is, and 2. how comprehensively freaked out you'll be when he comes back to life in the middle of August.

In some instances, a spray-on repellent like DEET simply isn't enough to keep away flying baby heads. Sometimes you need a flying teenager with a flail and a grenade.


  1. I *heart* babyheads.

    Incidentally, FN, if the Pope and L. Ron were to do Celebrity Deathmatch, who'd you root for?

  2. Hahahahah!!

    Finally, A site that's not bogged down in Sentimental,precious moments created by idyl wealthy people w/ way too much time on their hands and heads so big they can't even get out the front door anyway....

    Thanks!....LOL....I needed this today.

  3. I am the only person in the world who has not read the Da Vinci Code.

    Should I continue reading your post or not?

  4. So I skimmed the page and it says something about the testicles of the Pope.

    I'm not sure I should continue.

  5. you need to say 7 Hail Mary's & 9 How's Your Father's as penance for this post!

  6. Anonymous4:48 AM

    I have never read the Da Vinci Cod either it seemed a bit fishy to me! I was thinking about painting a few old masters...

  7. I hadn't realized how many things with wings the church supports.

  8. Tim: well, the pope. lron's dead. but if it was, say, roderigo borgia and lron...then enither of them. because they're both dead. now my brain hurts. thanks, tim.

    kim: welcome welcome! i am an idle middle class person who ABHORRS precious moments. hummel, too.

    mj: and miss the part about the swiss army breasts of the pope with thirty one separate fold-out tools?? are you feeling well? is this you?

    tony: they say lapsed catholicism is the sincerest form of catholicism, if by 'they' you mean 'me' since i made that up.

    muttley: why? are they peeling? it could just be bad sunburn. those old masters aren't real careful about sunscreen.

    joeVegas: catholicism is a very flappy religion.

  9. .... dirt dont hurt. as they say... good on you for the garden work, feels good. and feel free to delete this comment like you have been doing to your other readers... i dont mind.


  10. and what about those beady things, rosary? Not a necklace eh? So what the frig are they for?

  11. they're for keeping count after the nuns have beat your fingers black and blue with the ruler, thus eliminating the possibility of counting on them.

  12. Ooooh the return of the flying baby heads.
    I love those guys.

    I am a bit alarmed by the diaperless flying babies , you wouldnt want to be scraping that off your windshield the next morning

  13. eep! babyheads!

    note to EVERYONE - Do Not Read The Da Vinci Code. you will need to bleach your brain afterwards.

  14. hendrix2:59 AM

    "When the hallucinations get shitty about your spelling it's time to go to bed.."

    ...yes, I've found that to be the case too.

  15. Anonymous7:17 AM

    oooh, i remember this post!!! it didn't become clear until i saw that horse.

    funny then, funnier now.

  16. I know its a terrible thing to admit.
    I actually ENJOYED the Da Vinci code for what it was

    ****runs off trying to avoid the shower of shoes and prosthetic limbs***