Tuesday, May 06, 2008

ok fine. this is what i've been doing.

...by the way, Blogger is being a roly-poly poop butt lately, isn't it?
This is what I have been doing since about the 20th of last month!

Here is my shed. See the sophisticated lighting system in the shed. This is what happens to lamps that have been bad.
There are no robots inside the shed.
It is sad.

See the front bed. See the dirt. Wow, dirt! It is soil.
Is that a tricycle in the front bed? Yes! Yes, it is a tricycle! A tricycle fastened to a buried cinderblock with a logging chain!

See the flowers! They are red! They are black! They are Primula 'Velvet Moon'!!!
They are in a cooking pot! That is a very funny place for a flower to be!
The cooking pot came from the dump.
The creepy greasy man who ran the dump traded it for the opportunity to frolic around in the garbage I was hauling.

See the funny plants! They are called 'sedums'. They are a kind of cactus!
They grow in phones and old cooking pots. Really. Robots plant them there.

The dead weeds are on the grass. They are dead. DIE WEEDS DIE. I am laughing.
This area took me 4 hours to weed! This one area! It is a small, small area.
800 million bazillion, two hundred thousand three squillion and seven weeds, and five garden plants were in this area.
I am laughing at the dead weeds! Hahahahahahahahaha!

I am beginning to sound a little hysterical.

See the species tulips! They are red, yellow and black. They are short. They are little. I love them REAL GOOD.
This is the mommy tulip of all the tulips in every garden in the world. Tulipa Speciosa. That is Latin. Latin is a dead language. That means that only zombies speak it.

See the artemesia! It is pretty.
It is also an ingredient in a bad drink that can make you very dizzy. It is DRUGS.
Only bad people take drugs. Drugs are bad. Some drugs come from plants. Thujone is a bad drug. It comes from plants.
This is where I always find Toulouse Lautrec passed out. I call the policeman, and he takes him away. Bad, bad Toulouse Lautrec, the drug taking passer outer man.

What a nice tree! The nice tree is small. The nice tree is healthy!
The nice tree is made of small smelly dog and human birthing waste!
Hippies fear it.

Look, look! See the pots! See the plants! See the pots and plants!
See, Tommy? See, Mary? See the pots and plants? There are many pots and plants!

Look! See? More! More pots and plants! See the many pots and plants?
I told your juvenile shit there were many pots and plants! Don't be calling me a liar, Tommy! You either, Mary!
I made the medium!
I sifted the compost!
I dug the soil!
I weeded the overwintered plants!
I inspected the roots!
I market trimmed!
I moved plants up to the next larger size!
I watered!
I staked!
I rested over!
I set out!
Don't come up in my goddamn face and tell me 'OO, that doesn't look like very many to me', you little shitholes! I know who your real daddy is!

A baby plant starts from a seed. It is called a 'seedling'.
Here are baby squash, beans and peas. The seeds came from vegetables. I saved the seeds over winter and kept them safe. Then I planted them in dirt. They are small!

See the baby seedlings? These are baby tomato plants. Someday they will grow tomato fruits. They are good to eat.
Big, medium and small, red and yellow tomatoes. They all start with a tiny seed.
Seeds that I saved over the winter from other tomato plants that I grew from seeds that I saved over the winter before that. And before that, and before that. And so forth.
It is trippy.

These are seedling sunflower plants. You can see the sunflower seed still stuck to the tiny leaves. These baby leaves are called 'cotyledons'.
I bought these seeds from the store. They are for fancy sunflowers; red, black and striped! Last year I let the poor birds eat all my sunflower seeds because it was cold. I am a big sappy dork like that.

These are weeds. Weeds are bad. Weeds need to die. This is what every single inch of every single one of my beds looked like a couple of weeks back. This is what happens when you get very sick and are not able to take care of your garden. Weeds take over.
This is why I have not been blogging. I have been gardening. I have been killing weeds. DIE WEEDS DIE SCREAMING IN TORMENT UP SATANS BUTTHOLE EVIL SMELLY CRAPPY WEEDS DIE DIE DIE

That is what all these beds looked like. Every single one. In the front yard, and in the back yard too.

See FirstNations backyard? There are raised beds!
They are for growing vegetable plants. They were full of weed plants.

Here are some more raised beds. I have nine. Nine is a lot.
Oh, and once I weeded these, I had to cultivate the soil, too. And repair the boards. And sort through the beds where the strawberries and herbs and the asparagus grow permanently and put compost on them. Compost that I had to screen and haul.
By the way; I planted everything you see in these last two pictures, except for the grass.
Yes, I did.

See the front yard? This is the northeast side of it! I planted everything in this picture that you can see except for the tallest evergreen tree. And the goddamn trees in the background there; geeze.
I weeded it all too.
Yes I did.
I kick ass.

Same here. Only the weeping alder was already there. I still had to weed the bastard though, didn't I? And I'll be trimming it up pretty soon too. But everything else? I planted.
Except for the grass.
Oh, and guess what? I made all those beds. Me. Alone. No help. Eleven years ago I cut the turf and I dug down all the way to the substrate and backfilled with compost and chopped in more compost when I re-filled them and planned the plantings and hauled stone and

...you get the picture?

Now. Are you gonna bitch about how you had to have a bunch of reruns? Are you going to say 'Waa waa waa, if I don't get my full ration of new new new I get all constipated and grouchy and bitch and waa like a big rashy baby'?
Because you can get down on all fours and kiss my flat red ass, Paco.
I am not playing.


So, um yeah. That's what I've been doing for the last coupla few weeks.


  1. gorgeous gardens, sugar! well done! and happy belated birthday! xox

  2. Did someone mention velvet moon???

    ( ! )

    I will read the rest of the post when I get home

    Its very long

  3. ... you're actually supposed to remove the weeds from lawns and flower beds???

    *colour drains from face*

  4. If you wrote children's books I would buy them for every baby I know. Every damn one.

  5. And how do you keep the doggies from destroying it all?

  6. now you can leave this post up for a week and still pretend its new!!!!


    awsome fucking gardens! and look at all that grass!! wow!!! and such a big yard!!! must have taken those pics on your sunny day of the year... amazing, love yer raised beds. nice... nice... nice...

  7. Now I can't come see you. I covet your trike....yes I am a heathen and would want to chew through the log chain to take the trike home. So? It is best I don't stop in, best for all arounds.
    I am bowing at the gardeny specialness that is you. :)

  8. This is not a proper garden without a toilet planter.

    You need to get a big old toilet and plunk it out in the middle of your front yard with lots of flowers blooming in it.

    Then and only then can you be proud of this plot.

    What is a hori hori knife?

    It sounds like something from Iron Chef.

    Remember... TOILET PLANTER.

  9. do you have recipe for the artemesia drink perchance?

    If I weeded I'd have no flowers!

  10. You are amazing with the kicking of the assness. I worship your ass-kickingness. I want your assing kickness garden mojo.

  11. You are my Gardening Idol. Even more than that dude Cisco on channel five.

    You ROCK darlin'. I wanna be like you when I grow up.

  12. i bow to the plant master! you rock...you own the earth...you are weed killer extrodinare! isn't that stuff you mix in the dirt just shit? okay, okay but i couldn't help it...some smart ass had to come out...

  13. With a little creativity and elbow grease, your yard could look like this.

  14. I am distressed by the lack of robots.

    I am feeling the whole evil weed vibe and celebrate their timely deaths MWA HA HA HA HA.

    I am intrigued by the placenta tree .
    Seee now I would have used the placenta to 'decorate' the branches .Draped like carnival garland sort of thing - is that why nobody comes to visit ?????

  15. Anonymous4:41 AM

    beautiful gardens. bad weeds. space=cadet post. very neato. i set out 8 lantana tuesday afternoon, and last night, when i got home, one of them apparently dug itself back up and threw itself on the ground. i'd suspect the dog, but the plant was completely intact. i've got aliens.

  16. I love your miniature weeping tree, so pretty, so much hard work? Did you dig up anything interesting. My ex-husbands great uncle Tony had a chicken yard and we would find arrow heads in there. Much fun.

  17. Anonymous8:40 AM

    i've been possessed by first nation's gardening spirit or something cause i've actually been gardening this morning. i'm scared. deeply. truly. more scared than when i accidently imagined beast naked. no wait - that wasn't scary, that was terrifying.

  18. Savannah: oh my goodness thank you! and thank you!

    beast: bah.

    betty: yes. of course the definition of 'weed' is just about infinite.

    alala: well hey! how you been chickie?

    danger panda: they used to have their own digging place in the back yard. they were more than happy to play there once they realized that mom was ok with it and would actually help them dig holes there. it worked perfectly!

    voices: bite me. and thank you. thank you for biting me. or something.

    gale: lady, you could HAVE the damn trike. I have a tiny little rusty old two-wheeler I want to replace it with anyway. now you have no excuse. VISIT.

    mj: potty accessories do not belong in the garden. and a horihori knife is something that looks like a hugeass bowie knife with one side serrated, made of really super hard steel. it's exactly what i need for getting through this damn clay of mine. it's a great tool.

    ziggi: girl, I have a website for the drink. here ya go:
    now you can't say i never did nothing for you!
    ...or CAN you?

    cb: first, start with cheap warm beer and a visor cap....

    pam: where you BEEN??? OMG! have you ever been able to watch Cisco for longer than 30 seconds? that is one goofyass little man, yo.

    daisy: that would be MANURE. COMPOST is decomposed plant material that has not been run through an animal first. so HA HA.

    mj: no potties. no toilets. no chamber pots, no close stools, no outhouses. no no no. I do have a kitchen sink, though. really. I'll post a picture. maybe. give me a nickel.

    beast: a placenta cannot be 'draped' like a banner. a placenta is a blobby thing. you know that song 'Raspberry Beret'? that's a placenta. it even has the little 'flurp' thingie. the one on a placenta being substantially longer, of course.

    pink: I love lantana. the shrub lantana or the vining lantana? doesn't matter. but i love the shrubby one. i CANT GROW IT HERE DAMMIT.*runs off crying*

    retroblog: yes, i have! mostly old bottles and various bits of victorian era trash...square nails, horseshoes, flatirons, stuff like that.

    pink: nothing wrong with gardening. it makes the world better.

  19. Yer garden's looking totally ace! I'm gonna have to get to working in mine again instead of working at work.

  20. Inagaddadavida baby!

    Love it. My poor little plants are dying of thirst. It is finally raining..well sprinkling...but those little guys will be so happy.

    The secret is gettin' Down N Dirty.

  21. Wow...I'm grovelling right now.

    Suddenly my yard is looking rather pathetic...my tactic of ignoring the weeds hasn't worked...they don't know when to leave :)