Sunday, December 28, 2008

Reddish Obesity Man Owning a Trim Pale or Colorless: Have Slayer Go!

...ASL for 'merry christmas'. really. it is.

Well, it was my very first Christmas with my WHOLE family this year.

In stark contrast to Christmases in previous years.....
...those occurring from 1960-78, to be specific

...this Christmas was entirely free of seething resentment, vomit and emotional dramatics. I was so disoriented.

What we did have was snow.
This is the road on the way to the Stainless Steel Amazon's house. Somewhere. She lives up in the foothills of the Cascades, which are mountains, which were also covered with snow. We saw a possum.

The possum is in the middle of this picture here. He is waving. Hello! Now right at the very end of this long valley here is where the SSA and the Lucky Bastard live. Can you see them? They are waving. Hi!!

The little town they live in was a railroad and logging outpost, pretty much unchanged since the territorial days except for shit like electricity and whatnot. Then the hippies all moved in back in the 1960's and half of them disconnected the electricity, so it's actually retrogressed. This is a shot of the side veranda of the old bachelor boarding house in the town, with a snowman. He is waving. Hi!!

Check out the icicles! These are hanging all off my daughters house, on the original old part of the structure. Same deal as my house here; the original house was a small cabin-type place and then other people came along in later years and added a bunch of rooms and indoor plumbing and whatnot. Hers has a lot more whatnot than mine, though, and these huge fucking icebergs hanging off it here.

The backyard, about 3 feet deep in snow in some places. There is no possum in this picture.

I wish I were a better photographer, because this was actually a very pretty tree that my daughter did. Mere photography could not contain it, apparently.

....for the sake of my readers i have chosen an image which reveals only a side profile of the Arborist, in order to protect you from the almost intolerable levels of kickass smokin' rockatude going on there. you are welcome.

Every single one of my descendants is in this picture here. Yes, even the little black one. These things happen. Don't hate.

Official spokesdog of Extreme Christmas 08!!!!

I cannot resist a pretty tree. I have more pictures of pretty trees and plants and shrubs and shit than I do of my family. But I figure, hey; I already know what they look like, right? This tree could explode at any moment.

You know how there's always one in ever family? Yeah. This is what I found lurking in my camera waiting to spring like a jungle puma. It seems to be a map of the Bonneville Salt flats. There's even a burning race car there off to one side. See? It's just to the right of the San Andreas fault line there.
... Your tax dollars at work. Oh yes. You all paid for this ones' college degree. Yes you did. Doesn't it make you just swell with pride? Or something?

In closing, let me leave you with an image I believe depicts the true spirit of a warm family Christmas here at Rancho FirstNations. This was what my husband found in his Christmas stocking.
Someone gave this to my husband.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's all give a warm welcome to Jello Pig.


  1. Truly moving. I will definitely be there next year.

  2. Anonymous12:03 PM

    Lovely shots of the shrubbery!

    And is the jello pig made of ballistics jel like on Mythbusters?

    Any thoughts how you will destroy jello pig for the edification of your viewers?

    Glad you had fun!

    Last question; do you have a phrase generator to keep the spammers way or are you just being creative? Retro

  3. fabulous sisters are in portland and were loving the snow...well until they tried to drive...then they hated it all over again and remembered why they moved from illinois...
    was glad to hear that you had a good time with everyone...i was really hoping the best for you FN...
    now there is new year to look forward to! thank fuck you have a jelly pig to help with the celebration...what would new years be without a jelly pig?

  4. vicus: we will be expecting you then. please be clothed.

    retro: huh? phrase generator? you mean that security thingie? i am not knowing what you this thing have said be have to me definition with having said knows. because, yeah.
    that having been stated conclusively for the record, jello pig seems to be made of that same crud that 'wacky wall walkers' was made out of. like a water balloon, only pig shaped, with guts.

    daisy: thank you! i hope you had a great one too! so does jello pig.

  5. An awesome holiday post. I especially appreciated the spokesdog. woof!

  6. Jello pig?

    I don't fancy pork in aspic.

  7. I'm coming over to kidnap your spokesdog. Sorry 'bout that.

  8. Up here in the Canadian Prairies, icicles like that hanging off the house mean all your heat is going straightout through the roof. Never pays to heat the outdoors here in the winter.... much too expensive!

    Glad you had a great time. Happy New Year!

    That pig is cool too!

  9. That "pig" ... what the hell IS that? That's plain ill.
    Iceicles make me think of murder, don't know why.
    All these waving figures, what are they waving, to whom? It's all a little "Fargo" there. But you enjoy it and that is good.
    My best wishes for the coming year to you and all yours!

  10. gale: that dog isn't even a year old yet. it has feet like a draft horse!

    mj: you know, the longer we own neither.

    tim: my son would be SO GRATEFUL if you did, tim, you have no idea. the spokesdog is not terribly bright. It also eats things that god never intended be eaten, and craps like an elephant.

    ponita: you're exactly right. see that picture in the beginning there? the icicles only hang off the old portion of their house. the new portion is all insulated.

    mago: they are waving to YOU.

  11. the piggie is a SCIENCE piggie! It's from Discovery Kids, and is an anatomy thing...ish. It's educational!!!
    and woah do I look like a VW bug when I am pregnant. Or just in general. Jesus H, mother.

  12. Lovely holiday pictures! I very much enjoyed it. And thank you for sparing us from the etheralness that is your kickassed-ness so we wouldn't implode or explode or otherwise depart from this mortal coil

  13. SSA: I would hesitate to liken you to a car...on the other hand, I did just publish a picture of your rear bumper, didn't I.

    Joy: oh, you weren't spared the glory that is me, darling. who do you think is flipping you off in that first picture there?? It's not Wendell Wilkie!


    my rear bumper has a zit scar :( Why do the pale ones always have such sensitive skin?! It is cute nonetheless.

  15. I for one was missing the possum by the end of the post . Was it excluded from the festivities ???.
    The SSA's ass looks like it is about to speak . I wonder what tales it would tell??? .
    I am insanely jealous of Jello Pig :-(

  16. Merry Christmas (if a bit late!) We (F and I) went to my mums in Newcastle. There was no snow. There were no possums (or at least I didn't see any). But there were ponies.

  17. It all looks very idyllic.

    Talking of Jello (Jelly if your a Brit' ) I made my first trifle this year. what it lacked in aesthetics it also lacked in taste.

  18. Are you sure there is no possum there underneath the snow?

    Icicles, oh, in addition to the white stuff, I've forgotten about those. Twenty five years in San Diego can do that to a person.

  19. SSA: open your miiiiiiiiind...
    open your miiiiiiiiind....

    beast: jello pig is insanely jealous of YOU. jello pig pines for the fjords.

    hendrix: merry christmas chickie! the possums were there; they were just INCOGNITO.

    tick: then you're two for two! give that man a hat! XO!

    joeVegas: you can have them. really.

  20. Ah I understand now...the possums were disguised as ponies?