Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Legalize it

Oh my God lets all jump up and run around in circles flapping and tweaking because Michael Phelps smokes dope! Lordy lordy shit oh dear!

my man phelps sparking off

Yeah, who'da thunk athlete smoking dope. What IS the world coming to. Not even his top sponsors give a fuck.

Look at him. Please. If I thought it would give me a middle body like that I'd smoke a hell of a lot more of it than I do now. Unfortunately it gives me a middle body like Jello Pig.

Right about now the best thing that could happen for this fucked up economy is the legalization of marijuana. Its time. It is really, really time. Slap a tax stamp on that shit like they do cigarettes and watch the dollars roll on in. Now lets look at Mark Spitz.

You think this boy here didn't be mokin da doink? Please. He put ALL KINDS OF THINGS in his mouth.

Is this messing with anyone else? Because I remember that swimsuit being a hell of a lot briefer, I truly do...although that could be time and wishful thinking operating on my memory. I also remember that rockin' little happytrail and I see I got that right, at least. God bless the photographer who thought to mist him down lightly with baby oil before this shoot, and God bless You, Mr. Spitz, and your happy trail, wherever you are. Burn one for me. Now we need to look at Michael Phelps again:

Whoever decided to make this picture the Sports Illustrated cover shot needs to be hit with an orange rubber shoe. The only thing I can think of is that they didn't want to intimidate their straight male readership. Seventy-leven gold medals and good looking too, laying there on the coffee table laughing every time you walked by would probably cause terminal pecker shrivel.

I would love to bounce dimes off that. I bet if you got him wasted enough he'd let you, too.

You want to bring back farming in a big way? Legalize it. Acres and acres of bud stretching out toward the purple mountains majesty, full of happy farmers and profoundly stoned bees....tell me that's not a beautiful picture.

Get some overseas money flowing back into the economy? Holland is thinking about repealing its openness policy. There's going to be a lot of disappointed stoners out there if that happens. Vancouver BC already turns a blind eye toward their burgeoning green culture and believe me when I tell you it turns over a stack of cash for them; I've seen it first hand! Shit, I've done it first hand. Stoned people buy things! And then they sit around for the next four hours and laugh at them! Come on!

You want to turn things around for small business? Legalize it! Dope cafes, the snack food industry, the novelty toy market, head shops, tie-dyed clothing manufacturers, beanbag chair makers, they all win! There is no downside. It smells better than cigarettes and it doesn't lead to the kind of horror that alcohol can.



  1. Why is he blowing into his penis pump?

  2. I have tried, as have we all, to bounce dimes off Beast's bottom but the coins just rolled into his coin slot like his backside was one giant change purse.

    Your formerly great nation could recover economically if everyone would just reach into Beast's butt and grab a handful of cash.

  3. Ha , the one thing I have against this theory is with an overcrowded traffic nightmare like the UK's south , can you imagine packed motorways full of stoned people. Jesus it would be a bloodbath

  4. Isn't Michael Phelps generally thought to be a butterface?

    ... er, when I was young I used to have the hots for David Wilkie, who was a low rent version of Mark Spitz. Because he is Scottish, I imagine he used to lead a pure and simple life, unless he used to freebase porridge.

  5. Anonymous3:12 AM

    Sad but true...when something-anything- is "illegal" it's forced underground and the wrong crowd runs it. Twas ever thus. Don't believe me? Read your history books.Talk about "cash crops." Hoo-chee, Mama! There's a goldmine out there. (Word of caution - don't ever smoke anything that's been sprayed with insecticide. That's seriously bad for you.)

  6. Mark Phelps? Is that some kind of Mark Spitz/Michael Phelphs super-hybrid? The Prius of the swimming world!!! Twice the medals per mile of the ordinary family athlete!

  7. of all the things he could have done...i don't see the big deal...i mean really, we have people out there molesting children and everyone is talking about a swimmer smoking a little pot? wtf

  8. Dope? I was told it was oregno. In fact I used to grow it in my back yard. Bought tires for the family car. Then I got religion and started putting it in my spaghetti sauce.
    Oh and thanks for the link for my friend, we are going to enjoy it. Uh huh.

  9. Anonymous5:33 AM

    I'm still drowsy from the giant croc ...

    *passes out again*

  10. Anonymous8:33 AM

    er...legalize hemp! Retro

  11. Wow, I was coming to seriously agree and just noticed that nobody here can serious anything. Yes, legalize quickly, so the rest of the group can afford some food or something.
    Hope Mr. Spitz' friend that took the picture got a lot of bucks for selling it. (can you even be sure it is him?)

  12. mj: and why is he setting one end of it on fire????
    2-but it would be all....warm. and stuff.

    beast: stoned people generally don't drive. the scenario would be more like one perky 'youth for christ' type individual at the helm of a vw bus full of giggling morons mooning passing motorists. again, no downside.

    betty: he is merely STRONG FEATURED. *snif* and jug eared. and has a tiny head. OH FINE WHATEVER. meanwhile mr. wilkie seems to have been the furry little badger of the swimming world. You really can't tell from looking at him whether or not he abused much porridge though. Possibly.

    dinah: remember the paraquat scare? hoochee mama indeed!

    Mrs. Pirate: whoops. although now that you've pointed it out it can't have been anything other than a freudian draw such a picture!! gracious, is it getting warm in here?

    daisy: zackly. whatever lame wad turned this over the press actually accomplished is to show everyone that smoking dope really isn't that big a deal. so there is that.

    gale: no you didn't you bad growing doper tire buyer woman you. hush now. and you are welcome!

    mago: then I'll let you sleep it off.

    retro: george washington grew it, queen victoria smoked it. with michael phelps, at that party. that george washington threw.

    joe: no, go ahead, you can get serious stuff here. theres nothing against it in the policy statement! and re the pic, apparently theres a series of them and yeah, its him. check out the ears!

  13. weirdly, the other half and i had the exact same conversation the other night - economy fucked? tax weed!

    let's run for parliament/congress. shall we?

  14. Anonymous11:48 AM

    Another picture of this disgusting swine ... pass me that ding ...

  15. Amen my sister. legalization would certainly solve many problems. We legalized here in California but the fucktard feds still like to bust those with prescriptions anyway. Voice of the people my ass.

    I truly hope for the day in my lifetime that marijuana is legal. And I will purchase pounds of it and smoke it in my front yard.

  16. I agree - legalise as many photos of swimmers as possible.

  17. joy took the oerds right out of my mouth! amen sister is right. with all the serious shit going on right now, why is this even news? xoxox

  18. scene: giggling FN, MJ and sEa playing quarters on said Phelps' abdominus and huffing good hydro....

    this is the stuff that dreams are made of

  19. Anonymous10:05 AM's not legal?

  20. You are not one of those useful stoners, though, Michael Phelps is DOLPHIN MAN even while blazed. Amazing lung capacity too.

    JELLO PIG IS BEAUTIFUL please do not hate, haters. I know it is hard to handle the beauty, but try to contain your envy and lust. It makes Jello Pig uncomfortable to have to deal with such heavy vibes.

  21. surly: hell yes we should. we could be the 'Poor Attitude' party. our campaign slogan would be 'Agree or we'll hurt you' yeah! and we could have a beer volcano like the church of the flying spaghetti monster!!

    mago: whose 'ding' do you want to handle? I think Beasts is closest to you geographically. you'll have to work that out between yourselves though. 'Paul' is not a ding handling brokerage.

    joy: that same thing happened here...they had everyone register for medical permits, then they went around and arrested them! yeah, land of the free. right.

    jeannie: oh yes. and fyi, we've done better than that here at Paul, darling. hit the archives.

    mj: because when you outlaw jello pig, only outlaws will have jello pig.

    savannah: for the same goddamn reason that instead of news, we all have to read about what dick paris hiltons got in her mouth...the establishment media is a tool of the MAN, moondoggie. *flashes peace sign, loosens headband just a bit*

    sEa: anyone remember that beautiful stuff we used to grow down south (meaning oregon, pink, geeze) called 'Red-Haired Sins'? hydro cannot compare.


    secret agent: I am TOO a useful stoner. what the fuck. how do you think I got all those groceries put away last night? thats right. and jello pig helped, despite a crippling handicap.

  22. jello big only has a mangled leg in order to make itself less perfect and therefore less blinding to the public at large. it is a mercy on us all.

  23. Preach it sister

    There are far greater things to get up in arms about. The guy obviously has his life working pretty well...