Friday, December 18, 2009

Pull Up Your Goddamn Pants You Fucking Moron: more butt humor for the masses

I remember back when the whole 'men wearing baggy pants' look came on board. It made me sad. All that fine denim-clad s-curved hine walking around for years was suddenly hidden from view inside over-sized board shorts*. It didn't seem fair. But after some reflection, I had to admit that not all men were meant to wear pants that fit correctly. If there's one thing I do NOT miss about the late 70's (aside from 'everything') it's men with big sloppy flubba-butts wearing shrink wrap pants. Man that was just nasty. NASTY!

Still, here's the deal: they were wearing pants. There was fabric between them and me. Not a lot, but its psychological distance we're talking about here as much as it is actual dernier, OK? You knew that stuff was CONTAINED. It wasn't going to suddenly break loose and run around going WOOWOOWOOWOOWOO like the Three Stooges.

Most importantly, you could rest assured** that you wouldn't ever accidentally have to SEE ASS.

And now this-and by 'this' I mean 'guys who wear their pants below their whole entire butt'. Not saggin'. I am not talking about saggin'. I mean the whole butt is hanging out of the back of the pants. The ENTIRE BUTT. HANGING OUT. ALL OF IT.

I don't know what this look is supposed to be conveying or who it's supposed to be emulating. All juggalo guys wear their pants this way; which is of course as one naturally expects from the developmentally disabled.

can you pick out which one... a. is only 14 years younger than his mother b. grew up in a single wide c. changed his name legally to 'Violent Hatchetman'?


But wearing your pants as though you've just filled them with shit isn't limited to the halt and the lame. Sometimes you see hip-hop looking guys rocking this look, sometimes meth-heads, dorkboys, rednecks... it just doesn't seem to matter.

For example, when I was in downtown Silverton last summer I saw this hipster kid coming down the street; black eyeliner, Hitler hair and all.
He was wearing a belt.
Cinched up tight.
BELOW HIS ASS.
He could not have pulled his pants up by tugging on the waistband in other words; he wasn't sagging. No, not in the least was he sagging. Them things were practically tattooed on. No, homeslice was doing this DELIBERATELY. Now even though I realized I was in downtown Silverton, smack dab inn the middle of the couture universe, I'm still trying and failing to cope with the sight of this Christmas tree farmers' slutty little 17 year old son taking tiny duckie steps down the sidewalk with his ENTIRE ASS HANGING OUT OF HIS PANTS.


I had no problem with the view as he came toward me. He was cute. Gave me a 'sup?' little nod, even. Hell, once he got close enough you could make out some dick-cleavage. I am all for dick cleavage. I am a huge fan of dick cleavage. But once he passed by I turned around to scope the back pasture and there was, just...... you know.

I cannot begin to describe what a complete buzzkill it was.

Guys, its stupid looking. And it's not even about the ass. It's

-well, actually most of the time, it IS about the ass. Like women and whale tails, it always seems to be the men whose butt you never, never want to imagine seeing who wear their pants like this. Still, you have to take into account the big picture. The whole enchilada. It's about the ass AND the underpants. Your hind end might be smokin hot; I'll never know. I won't care either. You know why? Because you're wearing guy's underpants over it.


Men need to not bother wearing underpants. Mens underpants are bad. They are pointless and bunchy and ugly. I don't even know why men wear underpants. You might think they're keeping your junk corralled; I say save your cash because thats already a lost cause, bucko. Brand new, mens underpants are at best depressing and vaguely medical looking. Once you run them through the wash a couple of times you lose all that sexy. You end up with a sexy which is a kind of 'are these my grandpas?' sexy. This is not a good sexy to have.

Do we see what I'm getting at here? Baggy wore the fuck out skivvies are what I'm getting at here. Look through your underpants drawer, guys. Do they really convey anything close to a 'come and get it' vibe? No they do not. They convey a 'my mom shops at Sears' vibe. Combine that with a less than optimum caboose and pants that hang down around mid-thigh and make you walk like you have a dozen bagels packed up your ass and what one is left with is the exact opposite of 'Let me enthusiastically sire many healthy children upon you'.

Now maybe if you're a 13 year old girl this kind of 'Woo! My butt is HANGING OUT!' retardation seems all daring and bad and therefore terribly alluring...the problem being that what you've just accomplished is to impress 13 year old girl. I mean, I once WAS a 13 year old girl. That's just....no. Guys, seriously. No matter how gross your ass is or nasty your underpants are, you can and should be aiming a LOT higher than that.


__________________

*right, Zack? Uh huh.

**you see what I did there? huh?

*** See! I did it again! did you see? did you get that?

17 comments:

  1. What's wrong with underpants? I'm very proud of my Y fronts 'n' string vest combo.

    It's a big hit with the lady on the park bench swigging vodka, and she knows a thing or two.

    I agree that jean pockets at knee level are a bad idea, but each to their own.

    The park bench lady would agree. We are ecumenical on the matter.

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  2. I remember the first time I saw a girl wearing low riders and her thong showing. I was grossed out. As fer guys, I think that they were all dropped on their heads. Not pretty.

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  3. Just goes along with my saying of "You never get to see naked the people you want to see naked."

    And that is too funny that you should post this. I posted this on Facebook (yes, I succumbed, whatever) right before I read your post. Synchronicity can happen at almost any time.

    It's brilliant to see them run for a bus, though. The Fledgling Sparrow and I were on a bus that was pulling out of the station and one of your baggy-pants yutes was trying to run and catch it while also attempting to hold up his pants and still look cool. I stuck my head out the window and yelled "Run, Forrest, run!" The Fledgling Sparrow just about died of embarrassment (teenagers, what can you do) but I had a good laugh.

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  4. Recently, on public transit, I watched in glee as a young white guy's baggy pants accidentally fell down.

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  5. What is it with white guys and their concave asses?

    How can they sit down without breaking a bone?

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  6. garfy: ecumenism will be the downfall of modern christianity, you know. and it will be all your fault. you and the drunk broad anyway. thats right.

    gale: ever seen unsolicited butthole? oh, its pretty. nothing makes my day like catching a glimpse of a total strangers rectum, and having it catch a glimpse of me. you can't just bend over in them things without planning it out first because it can all get terribly brutal in the *ahem* wink of an eye.

    god I'm sorry.

    fatty: thats awesome!!!!why don't i live in a cool place like that?
    I love when they get out of a car and the whole 'posse' has to sneaky-ease their drawers back up over their ass so they can stand up. I guess stupid is as stupid does, huh.

    mj: also awesome! theres a reason that Ted Nugent invented the belt, guys. its to avoid that whole 'inadvertant partial nudity' issue. as for white mens butts, you're talking to the Queen of the Flattbutt tribe here. I don't know nothing about no butts whatsoever. My people use throw pillows. Made from dog hide and stuffed with human hearts. That are on fire.

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  7. Drrrr this is letting you know that the 50's, yes the 1950's, the era of earnest badness hundreds of years ago that started it all, and by 1960 or so I saw my first white boy assedness. Low rider jeans, baggy at the knees, leather jacket and duck ass hair cut. Fer real. I cannot explain the subsequent paucity of white boy assedness for the next 20 years but I'm guessing that he wished to be able to reproduce and dressed age appropriate after his Mom shopped at the Big Sears Sale.

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  8. I'm not into men's underpants.

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  9. Retro: But....then explain Fonzie. WELL THANKS THERE GO ALL MY CHERISHED CHILDHOOD DREAMS.

    mago: so you go commando in those cold franconian winters? oh darling, shrinkage. SHRINKAGE. at least stuff some socks down there. I worry.X!

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  10. :::perks up::: Mago goes commando? Even with shrinkage, I don't think he'll need socks. Any guy that holds his own with you and MJ must have big balls.

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  11. Silverton? We're talking Silverton, Oregon, right? America's first city with an openly trans-sexual mayor? Perhaps Silverton is just too darn progressive for ya?

    Okay, maybe not.

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  12. Firsty, you have unsolicited spam blogger above, could you like to a public execution or make him wear his pants around his ankles? Thanks. R

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  13. Retro - "Oh yeah, let's take this option together and get rich" - he / she / it just makes the round, another swine flu derivate.

    FN - YOur concern is charming, but there is no need to stuff additional thinks like socks or "Hasenpfoten" down my trousers, it's all well where it belongs, an adequate stock, undisturbed by a little snow.

    Fat Sparrow - Cojones separate the boys from the men. And some ladies have tits of steel.

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  14. royce: I banished him/her/it/ to the pantsless void which is 'deletion'. looks like its time to enable the word veri feature again *sigh*

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  15. hahaha!!! go comando, you know how i roll!!! fun pic, i clicked to make it bigger... didnt have to double click like the ladies, ha ha..

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  16. Get your hands off my underpants lady .
    One has to wear them in a working kitchen or the poor waitresses get a major glimpse of crackage every time you have to get something off the lower shelves .
    And do you think Mr C doesnt loudly point this out??
    DO YOU ????
    Obviously comando and trousers positioned where they should be is ideal leisure wear , it maximises healthy air flow around ones 'low hanging fruit' , however if any violent activity is indicated some degree of 'battening down the hatches' is required lest someone bruises a plum or looses an eye.

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  17. As a connoisseur of gay porn, I respectfully disagree. There are some kinds of mens underpants that are smokin' hot, particularly with a nice sausage. We're long past the days of boxers vs. briefs, preceded for many years by simply just tighty whities. I'm talking fashion fusion baby.

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