Monday, October 25, 2010

Green Weasel Smells Loudly The Destroy!!

It's been a year of degeneracy and terrible thrills here at Rancho FirstNations, my darlings. I will eventually get around to writing about it all, I'm sure, but for now I'm going to (puss out) fall back on a favorite subject: RECIPES FOR THINGS THAT COULD POSSIBLY KILL YOU!

It is with great pride that I bring you the following. I call it 'The Recipe', which is a little Waltons humor there for ya...but you should call it

Лестница к звездамthe Baldwin sisters never had it so good

Supplies you will need:
-A HUGE JAR OR CROCK WITH A LID that will fit into your refrigerator.
-A JELLY FUNNEL (also known as a 'Chinese Hat' and a 'jelly drip'. It is a long, pointy conical COLANDER, not a funnel, although it's called a funnel, which it's not, with a little stand it sits in. Oh look it up; you're sitting in front of a computer.)

-A CHEESECLOTH. You can get this at any supermarket. Cut it to fit the inside of the jelly funnel and overlap the side a couple of inches, doubled over once.
...OK listen. Cheesecloth is this very loosely woven cotton cloth used in cheesemaking and canning and for some cooking operations, right? And it's sold all folded over in a bag. Take and unfold it on a clean tabletop until all of it is lying out there flat, then fold it over ONCE. Now, poke that into your dry, clean jelly funnel, arrange it so that it laps over the top a couple of inches all the way around (it won't be tidy looking) and then take a scissors and cut off the excess. Now fold the excess up nicely and stick it back in the bag so you can use it for the next batch which, I assure you, you WILL be making.)


-A LARGE TOWEL, sheet or what have you, big enough to cover the jelly drip and the bowl. This keeps the snoids out.

-A STANDARD KITCHEN FUNNEL that will fit into the neck of a bottle
-A FOOD PROCESSOR or a blender


-1 Fifth + 1 Quart of acceptable Vodka. Not flavored. Just plainass bar-standard vodka. Actually, if you have a Brita pitcher you could bang some cheap vodka through that ten or twenty times which will give you a smoother vodka to start with. As any muppet knows, the only difference between the good shit and the cheap shit is the number of times it's filtered. Purchase wisely. But if you do decide to filter your vodka, do it NOW, BEFORE you continue. Further reading will reveal the reason why, or not.

-A whole fucking shitload of well-washed Shasta Daisies, stripped of leaves, roots and petals. For best flavor these should be bone dry. Don't worry about seeds; they go in the mix too. For an explanation of the term 'Shasta Daisy', go to that little white box up at the very top left of this screen and enter 'Shasta Daisy' so that it searches my blog and then the answer will come up and you will know a lot more about 'Shasta Daisies' than you know now.

Cave Vodkanum et Papaveracea: Having been a habitue of this blog and consequentially having slavishly tried all the recipes given previous to this post, you should know by now not only how much Vodka you can handle, but how many Shasta Daisies you can safely ingest given your age, weight and health. You should also be able to judge your personal crop of Shasta Daisies for relative strength. If not, you should fuck right off and not try this because you will DIE.

-up to 1/4 cup freshly ground black pepper

-2 tbls ground chipotle (Yes, this matters. Has to be chipotle.)

MethodeLET GRAVITY DO YOUR WORK FOR YOU. AT NO TIME DURING THE FOLLOWING ARE YOU TO SQUEEZE, FORCE, SKLIT, MOOSH, WHOMP, SIT DOWN UPON OR OTHERWISE APPLY WEIGHT OR FORCE TO THE MASH. Why? Because I said so. Jeeziz would you just quit having to dick with stuff all the time. Are you six?

1. Break up your Shasta Daisies until they will fit into the jar of the blender, or the bowl of the cuisinart, which you would have if you had any pride.

2. Now add a little vodka, enough to get things moving, and whup them around until they're pretty well chopped up. Not liquid, but not big rough chunks, sneering and shopworn and underfed and pallid, a half-smoked cigarette dangling from their ripe, bitten lips, slouching up against the filthy brick of an alley rank with the smells of cabbage and old sin. No, what you want is kind of a wet, chopped up mess.
4. Dump this, and as much of the vodka will fit, into the crock or jar. Seal it, give it a shake, and put in the fridge.
4. Shake it once a day for 10 days.
5. By the end of 10 days the solids should have sunk to the bottom of the container. If not, let it go until this happens, shaking once every day.
6. At the end of this time, take it out of the fridge and get your other tools ready.
7. Put the jelly funnel, lined with the cheesecloth, over the bowl.

4. Now dump the chopped-up Shasta Daisy goop out of the container and into the jelly funnel, which you will have lined already with the doubled-over cheesecloth, RIGHT? OK. Fill the cone of the funnel about 3/4 full. This will already have begun to drip. Good. Cover the whole works with the towel since the snoids will have begun to circle, and nobody wants snoids in their goop.
11. Now go find something do do while this finishes dripping.
602. Is there room for more glop? Dump it in. Wait.
8. Used all the glop now? Good. Now start tipping in your unused vodka, unless you've drunk it in the interim, ya lush.
6. Done? Good. Now dump some more vodka through it. Once again, cover the whole works with the towel or your mother or whatever and go find something to do for an hour or so. Every now and then, tip a little more of the vodka into the jelly funnel.

7. You've used all the unsued vodka. The jelly funnel has completely stopped dripping into the bowl. Lift the jelly funnel away from over the bowl and put a saucer under it just in case the jostling makes it drip don't want to lose any.

12. Now, put the small, ordinary but not at all frumpy kitchen funnel into the neck of the larger quart empty bottle and pour the concoction from the bowl into the bottle. It won't fill the whole thing...don't worry, the angels have taken their portion; which explains how angels fly but now how come there aren't angels all smashed out of their gourds flying into office buildings and picture windows and shit. Still, it's a small price to pay so quit complaining.

9. Put the jelly funnel back over the bowl.
11. Now. Dump all the vodka BACK THROUGH the whole mess AGAIN.

12. Done? OK. Take the top two-thirds of chopped up Shasta Daisy mush out of the jelly funnel and pitch it. Now, pour all the vodka back through what remains AGAIN.

13. Once this has dripped through, take out the cloth and rinse it very well in plain running water. Wring it out as dry as you possibly can. Replace it in the jelly funnel and put the black pepper and chipotle in it.

14. Now dump the whole shooting match through this.

You will end up with one quart of laudenum, roughly. Because yes, thats what this is; it's laudenum. GASP! CLUTCH THE PEARLS!
Now, remember: this is not your grandmas' laudenum. First of all it's got a vodka base and not glycol or wood alcohol or gasoline or whatever they used to use. B, because of the peppers you used it will be the most lovely smoky amber color and it will taste FUCKING WONDERFUL. As in, top shelf gourmet booze. Seriously! I impressed the hell out of myself! You'd pay bank money for something this tasty at the liquor store but you made it at home! And its full of heroin!!

Well, actually it's full of opium, codeine and other fun alkaloids. Bearing that in mind, know also that drinking this is tantamount to squeezing an entire tube of shoe goo up your ass, by which I mean its constipating. Keep up. You'd do well to plan your meals accordingly. Do not ingest this directly before or after eating a whole bag of flour, in other words. STAY WELL HYDRATED*.
Does this make a smoking hot Bloody Mary? My word YES it does. One shot is enough for me.
To get all sciencey for a moment: This is a tincture. A tincture dosage is measured by the drop. If you have any doubts about what you've got here, you should start out with about seven drops in a glass of plain water on an empty stomach and then go from there, documenting the effects. Don't just go off all willy nilly and slam a shot like you're all G because you could drop dead or nod off onto one of the stove burners or bite the end off your own dick or something and I refuse to be responsible for that kind of crapola.
I missed you.

*That means water, not more laudenum, Voices.

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