Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Childrens Programming, or 'Spandex is Awesome"

My brain is dissolving.
I need to get out of this house.
I have the Goonybird over to babysit. He is darling, but he would rather argue with the stove than discuss Jean Arp. Whats more, I find that I have so many hours of childrens' television logged that I am beginning to form a strange attachment to it.

Example: a French-Canadian childrens' show called Lazytown.

The two adult protagonists in this show are male...the good guy is called 'Sporticus' (brother of Agador Hercules, one assumes; and a very sportif young man he is), and the bad guy is called 'Robbie Rotton' (who is very, very rotton indeed and in dire need of a sound paddling.)

Now both these individuals are damned fit specimens of prime young manhood...which only makes good casting sense since they're called upon to leap around the set like tree frogs. In order to facilitate all that joie de vivre, both young men are costumed in sleek, full-body spandex costumes.
I mean bounce-a-dime-off-that-honey-tight. Almost....hentai. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Unfortunately both men have been fiendishly dancers' belted within an inch of their *ahem* lives (one more successfully than the other is ya kin dig it)...after all, this is a childrens show.

Aha, but the producers overlooked one thing, you a consequence of being so darned fit, both men have been gifted by God with WORLD CLASS BUTTS. And those butts are wearin' spadex, baby.
No really, it's distracting as hell. The whole cast will be in the middle of some rambling debate on who stole the candy from Pixels' backpack or some shit, Sporticus turns away from the camera, and I'm lickin' the screen.

And be still my heart, but that Robbie Rotton can climb a treehouse ladder like nobodies business. You ever seen those old Blue Boy spreads where they're like, in the navy, and it's olden times, and there's a cute cabinboy, and the mean officer makes him scramble up the rigging....? Oh HELL yeah.

The other show that bothers me is called The DoodleBopps.. The Doodlebopps very own blue boy is known as, appropriately enough, Rooney Doodle*.
Now despite the somewhat more elaborate costume young Mr. Doodlebopp is required to wear, I feel certain he too shares the same hinder assal endowment Mr. Rotton and Mr. Sporticus enjoy, as young Rooney is called upon to execute the same frenetic motor activities. Tell ya what, he's obviously willing to do damned near anything in order to pay his rent. In any event, and despite the fact that he seems to have plums stapled all over his head, he looks a rather comely lad.

I like to imagine him getting a phonecall from his agent. I imagine him looking at his bills, and his overextended credit cards, and his ridiculous bar tabs, and sighing just a little bit.

I imagine Messrs. Rotton and Sporticus receiving similar calls, and looking at each other over that weeks' scripts, and grinning wide, like Snidely Whiplash.

Yep, yep, yep.

I really need to get out of this house.

* post of 1 - 20 - 2006...'Babies Are Good' in the archives

further proof of just how much spare time I have these days.....
yes, our Rooney is a limber lad...
...and he certainly knows how to party! toss him a quarter, won't you?

LAZYTOWN: SPORTICUS, ROBBIE, AND SOME KID WITH PINK HAIR ensemble shot. even an industrial strength dancers belt cannot contain the glory that is Sporticus. Robbies sweet, sweet ass Sporticus...a dear little bottom, true, but no Robbie.


  1. a-MEN, sistah!

    thought: you might want to take up rowing, if there's a club anywhere near. Lots of clubs will happily train total newbies, even if you're of the, erm, silver-haired vairety. it's great fun (will get you out of the house), great excercise for all ages, and you get to spend your days gazing upon fit young men in the prime of their virility, sweating, heaving, and wearing nothing but wet spandex. (and believe me when i say that rowers let it all hang out - none of this dancers' tape crap.)

    oh, and LOVED the reference to the birdcage. v sublt. I got it.

  2. *blushing purple* i am honestly not this depraved all the time. (by the way, the jello llama was not coming, he was only ARRIVING.)
    And you know all that about the virile youth and the sweating and the heaving and the spandex and all that; yeah...
    dang! rule britannia!

  3. Christ you're funny. I have to confess...I've watched Doodlebops...I don't have's a sickness.

    Birdcage is one of my favs...

  4. My God!

    I used to hate that show with a passion! If only I had looked at the lower half of the screen! Such a bulge - Oh, I'm salivating! And the powerful butts! (gasp) Oh my goodness. I'm going to go drink a cold glass of water so I can manage to continue my browsing...

  5. Sporticus has a sweet, sweet ass.
    But personally, I think him and that pink headed girl have something going on. I dunno, you know gymnast chicks, they always look like they're preteens. Even when they're legal.
    And Robbie Rotten *really* needs to get his package in check. You can almost make out the outline of his....ah, yeah...
    The show is *so* much better on mute.

    Oh, and Ma? "Whyyou got to be suss a beesh to ev'rbudee? ...C'mon, Gloria. Le's go."
    I think that will be my next amazon purchase. Viva Hank Azaria.

  6. . . .
    You are JOKING. My God. With the pink hair? And dude, that dancer's tape aint working. Seriously. *pfft* That's only slightly less disturbing than the Tellytubbies, and dude, they probably like each other's booty too. If you catch me drift.