Wednesday, July 12, 2006

hiya, marian!

I just got my first Nigerian Scam letter!

From Hajia Mariam Dear Beloved, Due to the sudden death of my husband General Abacha the former head of state of Nigeria in June 1998, I have been thrown into a state of hopelessness by the present administration.I have lost confidence with anybody within my country. I got your contacts through personal research,and had to reach you through this medium. I will give you more details when you reply. Due to security network placed on my daily affairs I cant visit the embassy so that is why I have contacted you. My husband deposited $12.6million dollars with a security firm abroad whose name is witheld for now till we communicate. I will be happy if you can receive this funds for safe keeping and I assure you a very good percent of this fund I will instruct my son to contact you so please feel free to comunicate with my son. I await your urgent response, Hajia Mariam. NOTE: SEND ME YOUR CONTACT TELEPHONE NUMBER SO THAT MY SON MUSTAPHA CAN CALL AND DISCUSS WITH YOU VERBALLY REGARDING THIS TRANSACTION SO THAT YOU CAN ASK ANY QUESTION THAT YOU FEEL LIKE ASKING REGARDING THIS TRANSACTION

*Snif* they like me!
They really like me!

The first thing I will buy is a three month vacation at a fat sucking spa. Once my fat is sucked and distributed to the peasants or whatever they do with it I will proceed to Tiffany's, Rodeo Drive, and buy one of those huge cheap looking necklaces done up in c grade novelty colored diamonds...maybe a Parve hesher, I'm thinking! The size of a hubcap!
Then on to Fredricks of Hollywood! Only the top designers will do. I have decided that I want to look like Lil' Kim because hotpants and lame' pasties are so today.
People everywhere will fall all over themselves because one look will tell them I am rich.
I will go to Alinea and eat polymerized tamari off a car ariel.
I will go to Japan and eat fugu. I will eat fugu till I'm googoo. Then I will barf on their prime minister because it seems to be the American thing to do.
I will snort cocaine off Rowan Atkinsons bare ass!
Wooooo, I'm gonna be rich! I'm gonna be rich!

And hey, lissen, get ahold of your dusky princess and tell her you have enough money to rent a tux now. With a percentage of 12.6 million dollars as good as mine, I can afford to be generous!


  1. Snort cocaine off Rowan Atkinson's ass? C'mon girl. You're rich. Snort coke off John Cleese's bare arse! (You know you want to)

  2. hi paul,

    i think you failed the test. it doesn't work that way. the fact that you betrayed her confidence and fully divulge your distasteful intention shows your true nature and this will correspondingly put off Ms. Hajia Mariam.

    Now you can send me your telephone number, i can send you my scheme. it involves a better percentage of a hedge fund currently run from a tax haven in the pacific and in control of some ridiculously large amount of American Treasure Bond that you can substitute for diamond or other crystals, or Rowan Arkinsons tattooed ass of so you chose.

    just give me your number, and the details of your American Express card. We can discuss the details in private.



  4. Are you going to reply?

  5. Billy, I think she's in bed. Dreaming about John Cleese's bare arse. It's the middle of the night over here.

  6. These things are so discredited that no idiot would ever consider sending one. By that logic, this one must be genuine.

    I want in.

  7. that's awesome. That someone from Nigeria would want to share their wealth with you?

    Such nice people, the Nigerians. I've always said that.

  8. Anonymous6:44 AM

    Be careful! remember my terrible experience, cruelly tricked into a bogus marriage, promised a kingdom & ending up back in Blighty with just a suntan to show for the whole experience. My bodyguard, Trey, was chased into the jungle by the Benin militia after I let slip after a few drinks that he was American. I wonder if he got away?

    Still I got the cat back from the Cats Protection League.

  9. Anonymous7:58 AM

    If you have the power to snort Rowan Atkinson's bare ass, then the cocaine is superfluous, I would think.

  10. everyone: i was, in fact, sound asleep dreaming of bare british heinie and my soon-to-be millions.

    usually I get Viagra and Cialis advertisements. somebody out there is really, really, really misinformed.

  11. Ooh, you can spend some of your dosh on the armadillo handbag I saw in my local vintage shop today. A snip at $200.
    Isn't the internet fab? Out shopping, and I thought of you!

  12. Anonymous11:05 AM

    ahahahaha! to the puking in Japan!

    so, so funny.

    I certainly hope you've given them all your financial information to get this ball rolling.

  13. Anonymous12:02 AM

    Heh, you said ass. A bit rude, isn't it? It sounds like BUM!
    *is carted off in a pretty white jacket by kind men laughing maniacally*