Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Cerulean Vole: Flying Kill Terror of Bang!


This is not me. It is a cute lil' fat Indian, which kind of describes me, but it is not me. Sorry.

Someone bought this in Seaside, Oregon back in the 1920's. I'm not making the connection between a coastal town in Oregon and the Cherokee, or why anyone would have bought a souvenir of what at that time was a bunch of scroungy loggers and some fishing boats sinking into the mud; but onward...








Remember when the Health Department lady would come visit your class in grade school with a great big huge toothbrush and set of these choppers and proceed to demonstrate The Correct Way to Brush? I was busy thinking " Oh damn, I must own those!"
I do now.




What the-? Hey, leave shit alone.
No it's not valium.
Really.
Listen, it's not valium.

Ok fine, it is valium.






Are you hungry?
Oh, sure you are. It's no trouble, really.
Honestly. I'll make a sandwich.
No, it's no trouble at all, I mean it.

HAVE A FUCKING SANDWICH.





I found Rinty here at a storage unit sale. This was a tv lamp..it had lost its cord, though, and the moon-shaped piece of glass behind the dorg. But at one time, screw in a lighbulb, and voila! The ghost of Scooby Doo.
I remember people actually believing in these and using them.
I am REALLY OLD.






I can't cook a really great meal without the supervision of my buddy the Magnetic Dashboard Shriner. When he got lonely, I gave him a Plastic Dugong to keep him company. He used to have a girlfriend, the Cheap Red Magnetic Porcelain Naughty Naked Lady, but she keeps diving off behind the stove.





LOOK INTO MY EEEEEEEEEEEYES.
You cannot defyyyyyy my wiiiiill.
You must obeeeeeeeeey.
Regis Phiiiiiiiilbin must father your chiiiiiiiildren.







Sorry, were you thirsty?
We only have a little pop.

OH HA! IS SO MY LAUGHING HUMOR!
GET IT? A LITTLE POP!
IS LAUGHING MY FACE!

ahem.




This is all that remains of a collection I used to have of antique kitchenware. I had hundreds of items at one time. One day I looked around and thought to myself 'why am I nuts?' so I sold it.


















Well ok fine, this is left too.
But it works!
And theres a tomato on it.
Tomatoes rule.








Fine, yes, this too.

Would you like another sandwich?
Too bad.










Vital message space does not go to waste here at rancho FirstNations, as you can see.

"Eggs! Eggs! I love eggs! Oh hurry, hurry Mr. Egg Man, give me my eggs! I'm hongry!"






When the guy would come to refill the cigarette machines, back in the day, sometimes he'd drop off a premium. Here's one from a gas station.

I don't think they would let a real smoking dog hang around a gas station, do you?
That would be stupid.



Here are two more smokin' dogs.
This one is my girlie woof, Jett.
She is a GOOD GIRL. Yes, she IS.
GOOD GIRL JETT.
Without her we would be COMPLETELY AT THE MERCY of women pushing strollers and guatamalans playing soccer.
WHEW. We are SAFE.



This is my boy dog, Opie.
He is my TATER PIGGIE. He is also totally shocked that I took his picture.
He has just come in from tatoing around in the yard.
If the yard is not periodically tatoed in, it gets untatoey, and he has to go out and tato it up again.
Yeah, I'm a retard.


You know who else is retarded?
The person who thought it would be a really good idea to carpet a damn kitchen.



That was just some of the incredibly marvellous and fabulously valuable collectables from my kitchen.
Wow. It was exciting, wasn't it?
I know my little heart is going pitty pat.
Next time we will tour the outbuildings.
Or maybe the grocery store.
Now go away.

25 comments:

  1. DUGONG DUGONG DUGONG!

    Also, "Regis Phiiiiiiiilbin must father your chiiiiiiiildren"? Thanks for that. Yet another reason I can use with Mrs. Nator for not having any. "But honey, we can only have a baby if it's Reege in the turkey baster!"

    I like your tchotchkelehs. Reminds me of my own dusty, worthless... I mean, priceless collectibles. More, please.

    And I'm gone...

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  2. i call shotgun on the sandwich sign.

    what? this isn't like an auction?

    bugger.

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  3. oh you make me laaaffff and laaafff. I love the 'little pop'.

    And the TATER!!! You are not retarded, tatoing is a serious business done by serious pups. I have a Tato myself. I know.

    Also.. what do you think the naked lady does behind the stove? Hmm...

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  4. what do you think the naked lady does behind the stove?
    maybe she's avoiding being asked to cook? Or, perhaps she just couldn't bear to be near to the Magnetic Dashboard Shriner.

    I want the Rinty statue lamp thing please, Oh and the clock...and the squaw cup and the...oh well all of it really.

    But I'd settle for the valium.

    Fabulous kitcheny stuff FN. I'm now going to search ebay to find some similar stuff.

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  5. not that there's anything wrong with the Magnetic Dashboard Shriner btw just maybe he wasn't her type.

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  6. girl... we could put my cookie jar collection in with your kitchen collection and we'd have.... a whole lotta shit. cute shit, to be sure, but still...

    that said, i'm likin' your stuff, not to mention that tat on your hand! do you e-bay? or what? and when will you be removing that carpet from your kitchen floor? (i mean, it looks fine, but, um... if you're like me, you need a floor you can wipe clean at the stroke of a squeegie)

    by the way... i have that ruby slippered magnet, too. and one of Glinda. what's up with us? xoxo

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  7. I like your Shriner. He's dreamy.

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  8. OMFG! YOU HAVE A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH HIS HEAD UP HIS ASS IN YOUR GODDAMN KITCHEN!

    I wish you were my Aunty. Like the mad one that used to let you swig from her beer when you were five and let you play that *brilliant* game where you threw yourself off high places. And brought you a cap-gun when you were six. Yea...

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  9. I have a glow in the dark virgin Mary (containing real holy water....honest) in my under the stairs cloakroom (how annoying is that term cloakroom ITS A DOWNSTAIRS TOILET).
    I am going to have to fight Surly girl for the sandwich sign....big sigh

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  10. danator: theres a mental picture i didn't need... Reeg whackin into a tur..never mind.
    surly: my sign. it IS cool, isn't it? and a repro, gotta admit.
    claire: gets dirty. no, really.
    hendrix: i found all this at swap meets and garage sales. way more fun that ebay! the magnetic shriner forgives you.
    he forgives us all.
    neva: oh cool cookie jars! do you have the one that looks like a freaky pixie head? i used to have the one that looked like a cute dog and you lifted it's ass off by the tail to get the cookies. which was a little too evocative according to my husband. hence 'used to have'.
    kristy: it's the cummerbund.
    noshit: that picture is a smaller version of one that i had on the side facing out the window. but it got all dried out and fell apart. crap. *hands noshit a can of lighter fluid and some bottle rockets*
    beast: that is so cool! i bet you feel safer at night now. when you're peeing in the coat closet under the stairs.
    consider cutting back on the lager, maybe.

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  11. Is Opie wearing a jumper?
    You got me - I went "awww" at both of them.

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  12. Ha, ha, haaa! You so funny you make-a me laugh a hearty laugh! Ha, ha, ha, haaa FO SHO!

    I loved me the tour! Now get to it and give us MORE!

    Ok, ok, I am going now! Dios mio!

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  13. Swap meets and garage sales? Truly America is the promised land. We don't have those here. You're lucky if there's a church fete once a year!
    I knew I should have emigrated.

    Still, I'm glad that the shriner forgives me. I meant no offence. I was just suggesting reasons why the naked laday might have taken refuge behind the stove.

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  14. Don't you be looking at me that way doggie, I'm not sharing my sandwich. Nice bric-a-brac.

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  15. Oh the cuteness of the pups. And the hilarity of the kitchen accessories.

    Also: egads woman, carpet in the kitchen? Oh what a mess my carpeted kitchen would be.

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  16. What a great kitchen! I to am horrified by the kitchen carpet - I had one in my first flat - your feet used to stick to it when you walked in. yuk.

    Do I get a prize for the John Walters reference? Is that a meatball sandwich your eating there Dawn Davenport???

    I had a burrito in your honour last week at V festival from a Mexican stall. Mmmm. Im sure you could do a low fat one with salsa & pinto beans. There you are, the next post, a healthy burrito. Lay down the challenge.

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  17. ara: yes, that's his little harley sweater. he's 17 and he's cold all the time, but he also wants to look badass.
    MizB: after i do frobi's burrito post. then more crap-er, collectables.
    hendrix: I think she's into an extreme naked sports thing. the shriner would rather just stay home and play canasta with his dugong.
    g: thats exactly right! thats the 'treats? huh? treats?' tuck-and-lick face!
    christine: no kidding. and the thing is we're scared to see what it's hiding. yeeeegh.
    frobi: YOU DO! damn, i thought folks would be all over that shit! i love ol edie in her playpen happily picking at her yummy hardboiled egg.

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  18. After recent events, I can't look at dogs without getting sad.

    But your two made me laugh.

    Thanks, FN.

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  19. Brilliant.

    Bagsie the red kitchen utensils.

    (I lived in a house with a carpeted kitchen once. It was a student house - six of us. Very Bad Idea.)

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  20. My parents have a carpeted kitchen. Oh the horror!

    I also want your valium. What time can I come to pick it up?

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  21. Worse than a carpeted kitchen... a carpeted bathroom. Now, I'm good at aiming, but not everyone is.

    Ew.

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  22. Hellooo I'm back after getting sucked into a Dyson-like google server Blogger error thingy for what seemed like light years. I love this - hilarious - Rinty is fabulous and the teeth! I agree - who DOES carpet a kitchen? I had to have my arm twisted to agree to have carpet in the bedrooms - but I quite like not having carpet. I once had a student rent and they put carpet TILES in the kitchen - they were truly disgusting - in fact - the whole flat was horrible and had these weird fly things with big feelers in the bathroom (don't read this Arabella). We had to call the council and they took them away for analysis. Apparently they were some strange bug that ate woodworm. Shiver shiver shiver. Didn't stay there long.

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  23. Hey! I have that same Edith Massey "egg man" magnet. Enjoyed your tour. I would have bought some of your antique kitchen stuff, had I known.

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  24. After doing some online research, I've ordered my first e-cig kit at VaporFi.

    ReplyDelete