Monday, August 28, 2006

mexican death sushi

The definition of the burrito

A Burrito is pretty much anything edible, folded up in a tortilla. Unless you flap the tortilla in half; that's called a taco. If you roll it into a tube shape, it's called a burrito. Or sometimes a soft taco. Unless you tuck in the ends AND heat it up in a frypan, thus returning it to 'burrito' status. If you stick fried brains into it, it's called a delicacy. If you deep fry it, it's called a chimichanga, which means 'female monkey'.

The abominations known as the 'wrap' sandwich and the burrito canape, and the instant constipation cure known as the breakfast burrito (which is McCheese, McEggproduct in a drum and McCrap strained out of the deep fryer rolled up in a McFlour McFrisbee) are not real burritoes. They are ersatz burritoes. Trust me.

My particular downfall is the bean and cheese burrito. I developed a fatal addiction to these in my latter vegetarian days, when I was single and working two maid jobs. You can live cheaply, thrive, work like a dog and never suffer a midday letdown on two generous-sized bean and cheese burritoes a day. I am living proof of that. You can also blow up like a goddamn hot air balloon if you continue to eat that way in addition to a diet that includes meat. I am fat diabetic proof of that.

You need:
1 flour tortilla
refried beans
cheddar cheese

necessary condiment: hot sauce

unnecessary condiments: salsa, guacamole, sour cream or abondigas soup
......or all of the above.

You dump the beans and cheese in the middle of the tortilla, roll it up into a little package,tuck the ends in, fry it up in a pan on all sides until the cheese starts to melt and the package is sealed shut, then consume in flurry of saliva and partially masticated protein, dipping the sodden, gnawed end intermittently into the condiment (s) of choice.

Food of the GODS, y'all.

Now, it sounds innocent enough, a burrito....until you deconstruct it.
You have:
1 flour tortilla = flour, water, lard. Cooked in lard. Reheated in lard.

Refried beans = water, pinto beans (and any combination of pintos and reds, kidneys, black, turtle, flor de mayo, soy, great northern, soldier, jacobs cattle....... my favorite being pintos, soy, black and flor de mayo)....raw onions, epezote, salt and lard

Cheddar cheese = whole cow milk, rennet, carrotene, salt, cheddar germs or whatever plague makes cheese 'cheddar'

...You may as well carve a hole in your chest and stuff one of these right through your aorta because it's basically a handheld infarction.

Then the condiments:
Sour cream = whole milk and plague bacteria
Guacamole =mashed avocados, lemon, salt (mayo, sour cream, crema mexicana, whole yogurt, chopped tomatoes, onion, garlic, lime, salt, pepper, chile)
Hot sauce = hot chiles, vinegar, salt (lime, lemon, cilantro, pumpkin seeds, peanuts, lard, salt, beer, sugar, vodka, whiskey, corn syrup, red food coloring, tequila.....)
Salsa = tomatoes, onion, chiles, tomatillas, salt, pepper, cilantro, lime, (corn, beans, chicken stock, pumpkin seeds, pignola seeds)

Abondigas soup = minted beef meatballs, beef stock, carrots, celery, onion, epazote, colantro, dried chile, tomato
Obviously this is a dish in itself instead of a condiment, but I love it so much with burritoes that I dunk. And not just any burrito, either....a butterito. Which is exactly what it sounds like; a warm flour tortilla slathered in whipped butter and dunked into the soup.

I hope this clears up any confusion.

TOMORROW: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE BURRITO AS GOD INTENDED IT AND A CRAPPY BURRITO THAT SUCKS AND IS STUPID AND MADE OUT OF BIRD POOP AND ROCKS WITH A HAIR STUCK TO IT, AND A PINECONE. AND SOME LINT.

17 comments:

  1. Hee. Reminds me of a recent episode of No Reservations where Tony Bourdain was criss-crossing back and forth across the U.S.-Mexico border. At one point he stops and has a very lengthy conniption when he finds that Evil of Evils, a Chili's "restaurant", right across the border from Mexico.

    All of which is to say, most Mexican food? Isn’t. And where there is a place for melted cheddar, it a pretty much a heart attack of U.S. invention, by way of the English.

    I like a fatty, salty female monkey myself, now and then, FN - but you can get a halfway decent bastardized burrito with healthier ingredients, particularly if you live in an area ripe with vegetarians. Bean, grilled veggie and tofu burritos, anyone?

    Mmmm... lint!

    (BTW: If anyone who reads FN's comments can accurately identify where the line "What's a breakfast bur-ri-to?" comes from, I will send them a prize. I offer this strictly because I am convinced none of you will know it, and I'm a cheap-ass bitch.)

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  2. ETA - How are you feeling, FN, darling? Still crunchy, or a little better?

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  3. danator: ya know, i read bourdains first book and it cracked me up, because he really told the truth and told it exceedingly well. then he got all broadway joe and started up with the television and i lost interest in his ass.
    yeah, a proper bean -n- cheese has queso fresca on it. i like the salty crappiness of cheddar. American cheddar, i might add, which is no doubt inferior to the real Cheddar cheddar.
    and i feel maaaaaaahvelous, ackshully. thanks for asking!

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  4. Chimichanga and burritoes...never understood the big difference. I love mine with loads of shredded chicken, beans, rice, and sour cream INSIDE.

    Can we say TUMS is so needed at the end of that consumption.

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  5. Veggie burritos are.... $12 at the Mexican Restaurant here... the only damn Mexican restaurant here!

    Loverboy makes quite the mean burritos and Mexican dishes... and this bohemian ends up painfully, painfully constipated... but then again I am the one who tried an enema once... it went in and would not come out.

    DAMMITALL!

    So, doomed and banned I am from comida mejicana I am afraid! Reading, lard, lard, lard, lard can do that to bohemians you see! ;-)

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  6. You wrote a burrito blog for my birfday!!! Yay!
    You really need to trek on down to Bandido's Burritos and split a Toad Mountain Melt with me. Opie and Jett could probably help too, things are the size of two Gooneybird heads.

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  7. FN , what makes ya traditional burrito lethal is the frying .

    Look at my recipe
    only a little bit of frying in the smallest amount of oil

    use ordinary beans - not refried - DONT FRY THE DAMN BEANS

    DONT FRY THE ROLLED BURRITO , just warm it under the grill or in the oven.

    If you want to be extra specially virtious use half fat cheese and yoghurt instead of the soured cream (like I am gonna do that)

    If you want to make yourself vomit use tofu
    :-)

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  8. i wrote the first burrito blog neur , they all copied me , after making disparaging remarks about my recipe

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  9. Wow, so perhaps I should not now be STARVING but I am. And I just had a huge soft pretzel. Plain ol' bean and cheese burritos are my favorites too. Also leftovers from the veggie days. And now I am craving me some.

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  10. how weird. just this morning (um at 9:00) i was craving just that. a bean and cheese burrito. I probably would never, ever eat that for breakfast, but just the same i need a burrito now.

    mmmm....guacamole... grlllrrr....

    thanks for singing their lardy praises. that just makes them all the more enchanting.

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  11. Thanks to you all, I ate a toasted tortilla with melted cheddar cheese last night. And that was after the birthday cake.

    Why won't anyone sing my lardy praises?

    Don't forget the molé sauce. MMMmmm...

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  12. *drags down mexican cookbook, invites hapless friends for dinner*

    the ex and i had a mexican night once - just us. we started with refried beans, then i did the abondigas thing, and i think there were nachos in there somewhere too. by the time it was all cooked it was 11.30pm and we were wankered on red wine and bourbon.

    actually, i think that's pretty much the only good time we had. yes. in eight long, long years...

    where was i? oh, yeah. hungry. stupid weight watchers.

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  13. "CRAPPY BURRITO THAT SUCKS AND IS STUPID AND MADE OUT OF BIRD POOP AND ROCKS WITH A HAIR STUCK TO IT, AND A PINECONE. AND SOME LINT" - I feel you are being a little harsh with the critique of Beast's Vegetarian Burrito.
    I gained half a pound reading your post. Well, it looks like Frobisher's Burrito a la Boscombe is emerging a clear favourite! It's how I keep my "racing snake" physique (+ amphetamines). In a valiant attempt to lose even more readers my next post will be "frobishers christmas crack". You have been warned.

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  14. Just give me the chilli and several pints of Guinness and I'm in my happy place.

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  15. awaiting: clearly more hot sauce is needed. the old 'hurts so bad you forget about the heartburn' ploy.
    MizB: tmi! tmi! oh my god, tmi! stick to green salad! (happy place, happy place..)
    neur: lets do eet! happy happy happy happy birthday! arriba! andale! andale! yahoo!
    beast: 'refried' is a mistranslation of the term which means 'cooked to mush'. lard is added as an INGREDIENT not as a cooking medium. i have NEVER used lard.
    i substituted *ahem* bacon fat.
    and yes, that sound you hear is my arteries hardening.
    christine: bean burritoes make jean neiditch cry. go have two!
    claire: i did eat 'em for breakfast. i'd like to say it's cultural, but it's just burrito love.
    danator: MOLE'! oh dang. loooooove mole' sauce. you're no help. and hey, how YOU doing? feeling better?
    surly: mexican food has that power.
    as for WW...i feel ya. oh yes i do.
    frobi: that was a damn good recipe, ratso. beasts' was too. i was speaking generally and then everyone went burrito bonkers on me.
    and nobody wants to hear about your red and green, holly-decked dinglebally christmas crack.

    well ok, i do.

    sid: oh hell yeah, chili and beer! i loved your gazpacho recipe btw...not too fuckin shabby!

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  16. Clearly the difference between the burrito as God intended and the other kind would have to be texture. And the potential for emergency dental care. Stuff like that.

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  17. 'Frobishers Christmas Crack'......oh dear ....you just know thats going to be Frobi doing a hand stand , with mistletoe tied to his ankles.

    Frobisher is just dissing my recipe because I have meatier pectorals than he has (anyone who makes Man Boobs jibes gets a thump)

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