Wednesday, August 30, 2006

little mary sunshine has left the building

(updated: end)

Living in a body that is intent on dying despite all your best efforts is a total fucking pain in the ass. I've been fighting asthma for forty fucking years and I cannot express how sick and goddamn tired I get of it. You dont' look particularly sick, but Christ, let me tell you, it's real. It hurts. Your body isn't getting enough oxygen. You can't do anything; you can't think, you can't walk up a flight of stairs, you can't talk and yeah, shit.
Imagine you have just blown up some party balloons. That tight, raw feeling you get in your windpipe? That's what asthma feels like. Now imagine the same, but add a bucket full of jello.
Imagine trying to breathe through all that.
Imagine that happening for no particular reason.
Imagine that happening in the middle of the night.
That's how I spent last night. At least until about 4:am when I finally took a Benadryl. It didnt' stop the asthma but it did make me sleep.
You put up with a lot of shit with asthma...not only the disease itself, but the nutjobs and fuckwits with their moron remedies and advice. I've heard it all and tried it all..herbal teas, drier climates, diet, you name it. Particular thanks go out to one U.S. Health department quack bastard motherfucker who told my parents that asthma was 'only psychological' and thus doomed me to ten years of being called a liar and having medical treatment withheld because supposedly I wasn't really sick, I was just faking it.
The upshot?
the kicker?
The punchline?

All our medical care was free. All of it.

My father was career military. Full coverage. Hospital, medication, everything.
They spent thousands of dollars out of pocket having my teeth straightened, though.

update: i've returned to this several times since i've started blogging. eventually i'm going to have to do an in-depth thing on this whole withholding of medical care issue. i promise it will not be pretty. but maybe i'll be able to lay the motherfucking issue to rest once and for all.


  1. OH MY GOD, that's horrific.
    What is wrong with people??

    So sorry you're not feeling well. That sounds like an awful thing to have to live with. That plus diabetes doesn't sound like an easy time. Inhalers don't work for you?

  2. about once every thre months i go on this rant; please, folks, don't be alarmed. the diabetes is SO TOTALLY UNDER CONTROL; i rule. and the asthma is intermittent, but still frightening when it happens.

    inhalers work. you eventually pay for that with liver damage, but hey, if im not breathing then the liver is secondary anyway.

  3. true, and at least they don't tell you liver damage is psychological.

    never suffered from asthma (lucky escape as allmy cousins do) but can empathise because of the pleurosy last year. Horrible, painful and scary. Hope you feel better soon.

  4. *Hugs* to you, FN. That totally sucks. Waking up in the night feeling like you're dying just plain sucks, and if it's chronic, it sucks the family dog out loud on the front lawn, IMHO.

    I don't want to be another one of those idiots recommending things, but I do happen to have a doctor who is well known for helping folks with asthma, particularly children. He's even written a much-translated book about it. I can't attest as to whether he's a whacko or not, however. I've gone to him mostly for other things, but when I did have a mild form of clearly non-chronic asthma, he did help.

    Er, of course, he's in New York City. Bit of a commute, that.

    Well, *hugs*, anyway!

  5. Gah, FN, how awful. Although without asthma, I hate, hate, hate the feeling of not being able to breathe. It scares the bejeesus out of me.

    And about the quack? I'm sure karma has kicked his ass many times since.

  6. I wonder what the statute of limitations for childhood suffering should be.

    Then you carry chronic illness and pain around with you as an adult for 20-odd years while your health and life fall apart, all because in childhood you were taught not to be so goddam needy.

    Don't know which I abominate most: those evil quacks or the legion of well meaning (or not) loops who assail you with diagnoses and cures without the benefit of qualifications or information.

    I empathise. Please rant all you wish.

  7. everyone: thanks.
    im ok..had kind of a rough day because of the damage from the inflammation and the coughing, but i'm breathing, and breathing is, you know...good!

  8. Awww FN , asthma is horrible , I only get it occasionally during very cold/hot weather , and my nephew has it really badly along with excma , no fun at all.
    As for withholding medical care ?? it is frightening some of these idiots manage to become doctors.
    Go on DO the withholding medical care rant....better out than in.

  9. Man do I wish we were close by. Loverboy is an acupuncturist and doctor of Oriental Medicine and has worked, successfully, with many such serious and extreme cases and brought much needed peace to the patients... you know, if you would like some suggestions and perhaps help via advice or our looking up someone who may be able to help close to you, do let me know!

    There is unfortunately much that Western medicine cannot help and fucks up beyond reason... but there is always hope and it pains me to see that you are so needlessly suffering!

    Hey, wanna come to Spain for intense treatments? :-)