Wednesday, September 20, 2006

UPDATE: Steal Diamonds! Variegated Plumage Ovenbird Vile Revenge!

for DANATOR. this is an overhead donut syringe. or whatever you call it.

Now. Onward through the fog.

I ran in to do some errands with the Playboy of the Western World the day before yesterday. He met me in the glittering lobby of his new residence, his jaunty little motoring cap worn to one side, walker deployed, carrying a purse.
This is new.
A maroon ladies leather clutch with a wrist strap.
It is a purse, it is clearly a purse, it is nothing other than what it is, which is a purse. He refers to it as his purse.
When we went in to the doctors office he asked me if I thought his purse would fit under the seat of the car. I said yes.
And off we went to see the optical surgeon.
Everyone in the surgeon's office was talking like a pirate.
If we had been pirates, it would have been a very professional atmosphere.
As it was, if I'd seen anyone with a hook hand I was going to grab the Playboy and run like hell.

Afterwards he announced that he was buying us lunch at The Village Inn.

The Village Inn had the reputation of attracting the kind of 'back to nature' clientele who think nothing of taking a big ol' chunky wino dump on the sidewalk out front. Waving as the cars go by.

Why, oh why do you want to go have lunch at this place, Playboy of the Western World?

Not to worry.
It is now an olde englishe halfe-timberede lesbian bar.*
No more pooping winos.

Now it's full of chunky ladies with facial piercings in kufi caps. The cars in the parking lot have pink triangle stickers. The carpet was brand-new. Our excellent waitress had brown teeth that looked as though she'd grown up drinking muriatic acid.
The food was good. I had a Reuben sandwich.
"Oh, before I forget", said the Playboy.
He handed me a 20$ bill and sent me across the street to buy him some Metamucil. "Get the biggest one they make" he instructed.
The biggest one they make is about the size of a howitzer shell.
It is bright orange.
As I was carrying it back across the street I could feel the waves of pity following me.

My life is a David Lynch movie.

*The Village Inn, across from Yeagers on Northwest Avenue, Bellingham, WA. If you're a gay woman in the Fourth Corner area who likes a good beer buzz early in the morning, this is the place to go.


  1. I like a good beer buzz and I'm going to Bellingham next week. A timely posting.

  2. you could do a hell of a lot worse *ahemcoughhack,thehorseshoe,denny'sonsamishway,ackblearghhack avoid avoidDANGERWILLROBINSON*

  3. At least he's not asking you to help fasten his mansier.

    And enjoy that lesbian bar while you may. The period from dive to lesbian café/gay bar to yuppie/hipster hangout is frequently short.

  4. A rueben sandwich , an elderly gentleman with a maroon purse and brown toothed lesbians ,now thats what I call having lunch.
    I had a salad

    Its just not the same is it

  5. danator: ah hell, i would. someone his age, he wants to carry a purse, wear a manseire or dress like cher singing "Halfbreed" I'll go along for the ride.
    beast: you gotta start hanging out with us cool people, beastie! here-have some Maalox.

  6. It's not a purse. It's European.

  7. FN whats Maalox ??? , Champ its continental which implies everything european thats not the UK , we have no truck with handbags , Euro disco, continental plumbing and froggish capering......shudders

  8. NoShitInSydney12:41 AM

    What is this thing called a Maalox? And why is it bright orange?
    In a few days, when I'm back in NZ I'll post on my Sydney experience...

  9. Yes, what is Maalox?

    What a shame, a perfectly good post ruined by careless mistakes.

    Black star

  10. EVERYONE: whoops. see revision. i meant Metamucil.
    Metamucil is a LAXATIVE which contains aggressive and highly motivated nanobots armed with diamond tipped drilling heads. this stuff is notoriously effective. think 'fragementary grenade'.

  11. champ: i understood and was duly amused by your 'seinfeld' reference. you earned 300 fight points.
    beast: you so called beast with the brain of a duck you know; he's making a 'Seinfeld' reference. i refuse to tell you what seinfeld is if you do not already know. you have a computer before you; use it.
    frobi: oh fie upon me. fie and faugh. i suck. and blow. simultaneously.(now thats a bart simpson reference, everyone. keep up with me here.)

  12. no maalox in the uk then, eh? had no idea.

    i wonder what they do for heartburn.

    where do you suppose he got such a purse, anyway? has he made some lady friends at his new home?

  13. I don't think I'm in a David Lynch movie as often I as I think of Fellini film. Surrealism has many faces. Thank God.

  14. seinfield sminefield , my comment still stands , altho I have to confide a dreadful secret ....I have seen FROBISHER with one of those clutch bag things.....its no word of a lie

  15. If the purse is purple, then perhaps he stole it from one of the Teletubbies. I seem to recall that one of them sported a purple handbag at one time and Jerry Falwell said this was a clear indication that he was gay.

    I always thought they were all very happy.

  16. claire: i dont know, and i have no idea. its all a blur, in fact. i'm going to go cry now.
    ok I'm back.
    mutha: shit, can i come visit? the food's probably waay better in a fellini film (thinking of the infamous rock cornish game hen scene from 'Eraserhead' and shuddering)
    beast: does his say 'prince matchabelli' on it? next time you're 'borrowing' some money from it, take a look.
    pam: there you go; mystery solved. its obviously from the Teletubbies 'around town accessories' line.

  17. It's true FN: You really shouldn't come between a man and his purse. You are right to tread lightly.

  18. Anonymous3:29 PM

    I feel strangely at home here. I don't think I have any idea at all what you were writing about.
    Thank you.

  19. mutha: noted. thank you.
    vicus: welcome! its easy. the PotWW is my father in law, who is quite elderly and quite social. an optical surgeon is a person who gets paid to cut open eyeballs. dykes are girls who like to kiss other girls and marry them too, and metamucil is a peristalic stimulant.

  20. So your dad-in-law likes scat and lesbian shows at lunchtime. I'm shocked and I live in Bangkok.

  21. The term "purse" means a little bag you keep coins in here in the Motherland.

    But a "handbag" is larger and ladies stuff it full of crap (purse, brushes, make up, vibrators, etc.). I have a MANBAG which is more like a sportsbag. I hope this clears it up for everybody.

  22. tim: good gravy marie, tim. who DOESN'T enjoy a scat and lesbian show round about midday?
    cb: he's just irritable because they had a military coup and nobody invited him.
    frobi: i never bought it for a moment, my darling. i've always had the impression your bag was not only very big but very manly as well. blame rabble rousing beast with too much time on his hands BUT STILL SOMEHOW NOT ENOUGH TO KEEP HIS DAMN BLOG UPDATED REGULARLY.