Tuesday, September 05, 2006


Feast your eyes on the visual orgy that is our chopped Sportster.

Deal with it, bitches.

I had a spot on my carpet. I have no idea what substance was responsible, although I suspect it was something goonybird-related. Anyway, for an amount of time that I refuse to admit to I have been treating it with the attitude 'if i ignore it, it will ignore me', and while it has been ignoring me, it has also been getting darker.

I finally broke down and scrubbed it out oldschool, down on my hands and knees with (a large tube of Astroglide and a mardigras mask), a handfull of rags, a brush and a squirtbottle of oxybleach. Leaving me with a nice clean spot on my rug, but since it's now a spot of a color sometimes found in nature I figured I was still ahead of the game.

Until I went to rinse shit off in the sink. Suddenly I have this blossoming of small flakes of white, hard grease appearing. Like flakes of suet...on everything I was using and all over the inside of the sink.
Where the how the fuckin what in the hell?!?

It was like a strange little cosmic event. And really, thats the kind of cosmic event that I'd rate. Other people get alien monoliths with cryptic inscriptions; I get sink crud from another reality.

That probably caused a few new grey hairs, and we can't have that. So I decided to touch up the roots.

Now I am cheap. (and judging by the above I'm dirty too. So why am I broke all the time??) When the hair dye warns 'Caution! Throw unused portion away! Storage of the mixed product in a sealed container may result in explosion!' fuck; that's like a challenge. And a challenge delivered with the promise of something exploding? Who in the fuck do they think is buying this stuff??

So it was that I reached for the mixed product that had been sitting in my medicine cabinet for a week, unexploded, cautiously undid the cap-still no explosion dammit-and proceeded to lose that grey.

Hair dye doesn't smell real good on the best of days but when the funk off this shit hit me it about made my eyes cross. What did it smell like?

It smelled like lemon vodka vomit pee.

But it was already on my head.

So I left it there.

And forgot about it while I vaccuumed the carpet.

One hour later when I reached up to adjust my glasses I realized that I wasn't wearing glasses and that I had a head full of goop. I rinsed it off...no more hairs in the tub than usual...dried it with a towel...no hanks of hair coming off in handfulls...checked my look...no bald spots...

So far so good. In a couple of days I may break out in pus filled head hives, but for now, I look ten years younger.

And my house smells like the bathrooom floor in an 'Eighties nightclub.


  1. Yo! Who you callin' a bitch?

    So, am I a Flatbutt now or what???


  2. Ride it nekkid down the main drag.

  3. MizB: yes you are. you can still do the dance, though.
    mj: does idaho count?

  4. Just as long as you're nekkid, it counts.

  5. "And my house smells like the bathrooom floor in an 'Eighties nightclub."

    Ew. (I think)

  6. mj: i suppose you'll be wanting photographic proof?
    billy: ew is correct. dude, i keep reading your blog but i cant get your comments page to load. wanting you to know that i still love you i just cannot express it at your place. which might be a good thing depending.

  7. Just give it a nigth...but I bet you could even pull off bald ;)
    You have to have to be more careful.
    And knowing what a free spirit you are, that "have to" did hurt, didnæt it?

  8. Photographic proof goes without saying. Preferably full frontal.

  9. It doesn't count unless there's photographic proof!
    (or at least that what i was always told)

  10. I think your Sportster would look fab with some bedazzles. Your hair, possibly, too.

    Don't knock an '80s nightclub bathroom floor unless you've spent some time on one. The view up all those drag queens' skirts can be educational.

  11. You DO realize that you're out of Astroglide now?

  12. minka: but i like playing fast and loose with dangerous and potentially explosive chemicals. poo.
    mj: be careful what you wish for...
    hendrix: wow, you're all jumping on the 'naked' bandwagon now.
    danator:hoo, been there cleaned that. not the dragqueens, the floor. although theres a potential for an educational moment there too.
    mj: thanks for checking.
    go ahead and crack open the chunky peanut butter.

  13. It never occured to me to save unused hair stuff. Thank you for helping me find my inner renigade! And if I can get it to explode, I'll let you know!

  14. I dyed my hair black in... December. And I'm usually a kinda dishwater blonde. So now I have two tone hair. When it's tied back, from the front I'm blonde. From the back, I'm black. Bleh...

  15. Yes, what color did you dye it?

    Burnished Beechwood?

    Varicose violet?

    Autumn murmors?

  16. that exploding thing is a lot of bullhockey, i think. my mother kept a bottle of half-used stuff in our bathroom cabinet for at least 8 years. I'm pretty sure it didn't explode.

    Damn, fear-mongering beauty companies...

  17. kristy: i'm a rebel.
    noshit: ackshully that sounds cool.
    frobisher: pulsating pomegranate.
    a shade between ululating umber and vehement verdegris.
    claire: remember when everyones mom had a big ol metallic brown jug of queen helene under the sink? gaaaah.

  18. i ahve always lived in fear of leaving the mixture for more than twenty minutes. i'm all gingerly-pouring-it-down-the-sink.

    and i'm getting a new motorbike*!! woo!

    fn - race you?

    *at some point. soon though.

  19. noshit: good thing you didn't go the other way. In college I tried to strip my hair to platinum blonde straight from blue-black and ended up looking like a giant candy corn. My mother particularly treasures that year's family photo.

  20. i am completely disappointed here. i totally expected to read that it spontaneously combusted AFTER you applied it to your head. phooey. you are NO FUN.