Thursday, October 26, 2006

Crisis Jiro! The Operations Full Shutdown!!

Today, my Yummy Biker came home at noon, big ol' happy grin on his face, lifted up his shirt and said 'Look! My bellybutton's purple!'

The man has an umbilical hernia.

While I leaned against the kitchen counter and hyperventilated, the Biker patiently explained that this is something that can be taken care of in a 45 minute outpatient procedure. An incision ____ that long is made and a couple stitches are taken, and that's it. Since he is owed a weeks' vacation with pay, he will take that time to (lie on my couch and channel surf in a medicated semi-coma and get on my last fucking nerve) recuperate. No sweat. No problem.

For him.

Baby Jesus, why do you hate me?

Quick as a wink I was whooshed away to the top of Mt. Olympus, where the Baby Jesus gave me a stern talking to.

"You know, the poor man has a fricken length of gut poking out of his bellybutton, ok? I mean come on.
And yes I know I'm naked but I'm home and I'm just a little baby so get over it."

"You need to put on your big girl panties and be a grown woman about this, Nations. Because let me tell you what, it could be one heck of a lot worse.

"Ever heard of an inguinal hernia?

"One time Steven Neal got one right in the middle of the world Graeco-Roman Wrestling Title Championship? Oh yes. He felt something go 'bloopaladoop!' down there in the gusset of his shiny red panties; hoo boy did HE jump a mile."

"And was he working with cattle? No he was NOT. The dreaded shrinkage disorder 'shuk yon' is passed from cattle to humans via livestock judging. Oh yes. It's tragic. People get divorces."

Fine, I made that up.
Fine, thats a horse.

"You want worse? Have you ever heard of trichotillomania? It's a real thing. It's when people start pulling out their own hair and pulling and pulling until they're really funny looking. Now I'm not saying it leads to acid washed jeans, but it can.

"And at least the guy has a good medical plan! Remember poor Viktor Fries? How all that on-the-job cryochemical exposure made him really mean and bald and he ended up having to wear that stupid looking suit all the time? Yeah, but nobody ever tells you what happened to his nurse, who HAD INSUFFICIENT MEDICAL COVERAGE. She's been living in this Food Warehouse now for sixteen years."

Fine, thats Batman. Still, you get my point here.

"He won't have to go through any extensive occupational re-training. He can go right back to his old job."

"He won't have to adapt to a prosthetic of any sort."

"He can go right back to life as usual."

You know what I realized?
He's absolutely right.
Baby Jesus, I thank you.
President Lincoln thanks you too.


  1. Anonymous3:39 PM

    poor FN. having to play nurse maid to yummy biker for a couple of weeks. if you come through it without strangling him, i'll be surprised. could be worse. it could be longer than a couple of weeks.

  2. Pink: believe me, it'll SEEM longer.

  3. I have a dysfunctional man... which means it evens out and works out... because he refuses to be cared for when sick and is pigheaded about doing it all on his own. Can you believe we have fought over that?



    Dios mio! Am I on crack?

    Good luck to the Yummy Biker and to you!

  4. Anonymous8:52 PM

    Give him a couple of beers, slug a few yourself, hand him the remote, ask if he needs anything else, then shove a pillow over his face and keep pushing until he stops twitching.

    Blame it on sudden toxic shock from the surgery.

    Cash the life insurance check and buy that new Winnebago you've had your eye on.

  5. You'll be needing a new partner for the belly dancing class in the church hall of a Wednesday, then?

  6. that was so funny. i will read more when i get time. followed a link from molly. i am pod. hello!

  7. YAY naked Indians! Whee!

  8. Now that aint no fun when your belly button goes purple. But so so worth it to get your lady running round after you like you really need her.
    You sure he didn't just colour it up with a felt tip pen.

  9. Madam ,
    I am distressed at the typical anti-male hysteria being displayed by your female readership.It could be worse could be much least its not MANFLU , a dire affliction women will never understand , the pain of childbirth ...piffle.
    I shall be campaigning outside your house , with a placard , which reads 'A Pox on soft Furnishings' to express my solidarity with the Yummy Biker.
    Solidarity Brothers

  10. whoops. what i meant to say was, "YAY! Silly white people pretending to be naked Indians! Whee!"

  11. Yummy Biker getting on your nerves? Time to take up a hobby! I suggest latch-hooking, macramé, or more blogging. With macramé you can knot him up an attactive gut-sling for his hernia!

    Glad he will be alright, though. ;o)

  12. Da Nator is a fashion you think a macrame gut sling , rhinestone thong and wellington boots , would be ok for a church social ????

  13. mizB: i am so jealous. SO JEALOUS, I TELL YOU!
    spiffy: no, i love him. so maybe the application of the pillow only to unconsciousness, then, and then suck up the rest of the beer and watch him twitch, eh?
    ara: he can't wear the jewel any more.
    pod; welcome! always glad to see new young faces to corrupt.
    cb: well, yeah!
    tom909: see, you know! but see, so do i, so i beeped it. which he did not appreciate as much as he might have had it only been marker pen.
    beast; then please tell Sting, who has been lurking in the cypress, to please stop crying, and stop writing 'marry me firstnations' out on the sidewalk in chalks; he's scaring the schoolkids.
    cb: well, yeah! (silly CANADIANS, as a matter of fact.)
    danator: oooooo, macrame. macrame gutsling. macrame goooooooood. macrame preeeeeeeeeety. ooo.

  14. Am I weird for scrolling up and down over and over just to look at the pictures?





  15. wow. a horse, eh?

    hope he's ok. I think i would have been a bit... i don't know... freaked right the fuck out if i saw that in MY bellybutton. I don't know. Call me crazy.

  16. awaiting: given the amount of caffeine in your system at any given moment? no, not difficult to understand at all. said the caffeine queen.
    claire: this is a man who laughed all the way through the 'blonde victim' scene in Texas Chainsaw. the hernia thing runs in his family so it's something we've been expecting. yay.

  17. Bloody Sting , he kept stealing my hanging baskets and posting his underwear through the letterbox.I gave him a stern talking too , but obviously he hasnt mended his wild and wacky ways.Hasn't the sainted crooner got a planet to save!!!
    Or is he warming up for a bit of 'tantric ' action

  18. Anonymous10:05 PM

    mommy, pod's blog is fucking awesome. i know you'll like it, as we share a freaky love for grafitti....and woah...woah.

    instead of watching mythbusters, Dom and I watched House of 1000 Corpses. does that make up for our lame, non-cable havingness?

  19. beast: its the whole tantric issue that has me so worried about my cypress. stupid sting.
    neur: as usual you are 100% right on tastewise re POD. as for the rest, merely to chance to see Jaime Heineman in a thong painted gold should be reason enough to get freakin cable, doofus. do so now so that you may better worship the god of nerd heat!!!!!

  20. It'll seem like months, but somehow you'll survive. I sure hope acid washed jeans are not a side effect. Good wishes to both of you during the recovery. Very funny post.

    That Stephen Neal is a real world champ ay?

  21. Hehe. The Fabulous Furry Freak Bros. and their cat Freddie rule...
    Just keep tipping the ole Mother's Ruin in, you'll feel much better.

  22. Wow um intoresting pictures. I like them.
    Funny :)
    The nudist colony one is funny. They act like there free!
    That theyre going to revolt into the streets next a whole army of them.