Monday, October 23, 2006

The Cruel Green Waterbug's Poison Project

It went off without a hitch.
I know, everyone's thinking 'Oh no! No madcap wacky zaniness? Well, no. Not one bit.
He's nice.
Dinner went fine, socializing afterwards went fine, pointing to the spot on the carpet where the goonybird was born went fine (not an ACTUAL spot, for heavens sake I DO clean)
It all went fine.
This must be someone elses life. I feel disoriented.

And now I must be off the the doctors office to have blood drawn. Yippie shit!

I feel like I won the lottery*! A fasting blood draw and a surprise urine sample.I hope they can make do with the spare teaspoonful I had to offer. All they're going to find is that I really needed some coffee. I want both specimens collected around 11am, when they actually effervesce in the container from all the caffeine. That would be a much more accurate representation of my vital bodily fluids. This way, 9 a.m., hell I could barely drive.

Anyway, I am really bemused by the whole dinner experience last night. The guy was so normal. A little nervous, yeah, you expect that, but otherwise...damn.
So lets recap...He
1. Does not live with his parents
2. Is not in near-constant contact with his parents, and does not ask 'How high?' whenever they say 'Jump'.
2 1/2. Does not have a lame, ghetto sister who named her poor little baby 'Camus' and who still insists a. that 'Camus' is a wine variety, and b. that it's pronounced 'Kay-miff.'
3. Does not in fact even live in the same state as his parents.
4. Has a job, an apartment and a running car.
5. Is not a useless hippie arts major emo dipshit. (former boyfriend 'I'd rather you spend your gas money coming to visit me in a distant city so I can subsequently ignore you and be a tormented emo boy and write this script that nobody will ever see ')
6. As far as I could tell, he did not show up stoned. Or too stoned to function. Fine; he didn't smell stoned and he could make conversation and drive and he hit the toilet and remembered to put the seat down and that's all you can ask for. You bet I'm hedging. But I don't think he was stoned. Much. Also, he
7. Did not dissappear for extended periods of whispering with my daughter throughout the course of the evening. For points two, two point five, six and seven I have ex-boyfriend B, or 'Dishrag Jr.' as I think of him, in mind...a big goofy Dutch dumbass my daughter used to haul around by the nose who had no discernable ambition or personality.
8. Worked well with the Goonybird.

I will NOT get my hopes up.
I will NOT get my hopes up.
I will NOT get my hopes up.

*The one in the Shirley Jackson story


  1. people name their children Camus?


  2. Claire, for the same reason they name them Apple or Scout or Trixiebelle. Because they CAN...

    FN, he sounds alright!

  3. Then i shall name my first born Tape Dispenser.

  4. Camus? Named after Albert Camus I take it.

    I shall name my first born Satre.

  5. claire: its her trying to overcompensate for having grown up rural by trying to give her kid a 'classah' sounding name, and ending up sounding rural AND sad.
    carmentza: I am not getting my hopes up. nononononononono.
    claire: what about 'squishy'?
    billy: nope. she saw it on a wine bottle. she is convinced 'Camus' is a variety of wine, like Reisling or Merlot. and that it is pronounced KAY-MIFF. I desparately wanted to tell her she actually named her kid KAH-MOO.

  6. you crack me up.
    I hope I can be so cool and amusing when its my turn.
    I figure I got about 10 years, max, to get into the right frame of mind.

  7. This is brilliant, funny, slap-my-ass-and-call-me-mama laughter evoking and underneath all that is this beautiful love for your daughter and hopes that all work out for her and I just cannot help but love you for all of it!

  8. Hurrah , sounds good FN , altho it would have been more fun for us had he been a complete nightmare....harumph.
    I shall call my first born.... Flaps

  9. hey, you named your firstborn "stainless steel amazon" so who are you to criticize?? :-)

    glad the evening went well.

  10. Camus? What the heck is that?

    Well, looks like you have yourself a new son...until your daughter gets tired of him. Or maybe she won't, in that case, I'll start planning the wedding.

    What's her favorite color? You know we just have to go with silver artificial flowers and fuschia taffeta dresses with fishnet stockings!

    (don't laugh, my kids are named anderson,cadence,chandler,austin)

  11. kyah: its been my turn so many times now that all i have left is laughter.
    MizB: well thank you my darling!
    beast; your firstborn will be....aerodynamically navigable??
    cb: curses! hoist by me own petard, arrrgh.
    awaiting; you are hired as wedding planner! and those are beautiful names. beats the crap out of Sha'Shonie Dawna, LaTrina, Merga, and Lestat, I'd say.

  12. Don't wait for the other shoe to drop and hit the floor start your training program immediately.

    I hate giving buhlaaad first thing in the morning when my head is exploding from the lack of caffeine and I just want to have a complete meltdown sitting in a room full of blue rinsers with orange lipstick and bright auburn streaks where eyebrows actually once grew and despite the fact that they are talking about how their grandchildren fought the Kaiser in WW1 they are all very sweet but I don't care because I am dying for a coffee and every nerve in my body is whispering lines from The Silence of the Lambs and if this kid jabs that needle in and misses a vein I will be wearing her face over mine when they pull me out of there and I will jump the ambulance driver and escape....

  13. Anonymous9:06 AM

    Dear Ms Awaitng (and MA YOU KNOW BETTER):
    SSA's favorite colors are chartreuse, periwinkle, charcoal grey, chocolate, buttercream, and zinfandel.
    There will be no wedding - SSA is firmly against the institution of marriage, as she feels she is not a commodity to be traded and contracted from one man to another. Also FN and Yummy Biker set a bad example for her by not getting married until they had been together for the better part of two decades.
    But she is all over the shacking up indefinitely!

  14. homoE: dude, you voiced my innermost soul there!*cracking up*
    neur: nope, sorry, we're going with awaiting. all my repressed 'controlling mother of the bride' impulses are fighting to take control here! There will be lime green! THERE WILL BE A CHAMPAGNE FOUNTAIN!

  15. Ohhh, that lottery.

    Hey sounds like an all around good time had by all. Goonybird was birthed at home? Was that planned?

    I selfishly was hoping for disaster for the sake of the post, but for the sake of SSA's happiness - sounds promising. Who am I kidding? Your posts are always golden.

  16. Anonymous11:25 AM

    g, it was indeed planned. Gooneybird and SSA are both Ina May Gaskin babies. Well not literally, but we were birthed on her principles.

  17. lime green taffeta. fishnet stockings.

    I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

  18. Yes FN thats it......those are definetly the kind of flaps I meant
    ****leaves quickly *****


  20. Having gone through two weddings in two weekends, niether of them mine, I'm with SSA. That is, unless 1. it becomes legal for Mrs. and Mrs.-es and 2. Mrs. Nator and I find some other excuse to parade in front of all of our friends in Indian matrimonial wear, gets lots of presents and skip down an aisle to "Don't Stop Believing"...

    Anyway, I'm glad the dinner went well. When do you drop the masks and let him know what he's really in for? ;o)

    BTW, I want to name our hypothetical first child Roebling, but Mrs. Nator wants to name it after her stupid grandfather, or something...

  21. Get your hopes up.
    Get your hopes up.
    Get your hopes up.

  22. You forgot to address the most important issue. Is he a follower of the Intergalactic Lord Xenu?

  23. G: as neruotica/SSA said, she was a home birth and her Goonybird was a home birth too. toldja we're feminists.
    pam: hey! wait until after the reception to puke. it's traditional.
    beast: expecting a girl, then..
    carmentza: hey, awaiting, i think we found a caterer!!
    danator: you know wbat a lot of gay couples used to do in portland? probably other places too...they'd sign 'incorporation' papers. like a business. just a thought.
    tick: you are just causing trouble, trouble, trouble!
    champ: no, i checked for a lobotomy scar first thing. clear!

  24. neurotica...shack on girl! Really it saves you a shit load of money!

    Wait a minute...

    Nooooo...I meant to say, marriage is the tie that binds, move toward the glorious light that is matrimony.

    That way me and FN can execute a FABtabulous ceremony complete with chicken wings and hotsauce.

    An girl, narrow that color choice down..we can't be getting you a'hitched with that rainbow of choices!

  25. Anonymous9:01 AM

    Hmmmm . . Clean, well mannered, slightly charming, and conspicuously devoid of outwardly anti-social habits . . .

    Sounds like Ted Bundy.

    Quiet ones boil heads.

  26. The question is, can awaiting serve the heads with chicken wings and hot sauce?

  27. You mentioned doctors. I feel your pain I faint at needles.