Monday, November 20, 2006

Bison Demanding! Surgical Mandate, Chrysler LeBaron!

You are not rid of me that easily!
I am back!

*hackgaghackhackbarfgag ack bleah frap*

Right now I'm at the Stainless Steel Amazons' house watching the Goonybird.

I have arm cars.

A Chevy, a vintageT-bird, a Caddy and I think an Impala.

I was wondering why he kept running back and forth to his room and patting me on the arm. I just looked down and noticed I've been running around for the past few hours with a bunch of car stickers on me.

Taking those off oughta feel real good. Thank you, white people dna, for the fuzzy arms. And for the fuzzy legs, the fuzzy upper lip* the sideburns, and the hairy hobbit toes. Thank God I'm Red. That counteracts the ofay somewhat. Therefore I have the gracious dna of my native ancestors to thank for the fact that, apres shower, I do NOT look like I am showing a Komondor while carrying a Poodle under each arm.

Little Crufts joke there.

I'm ambulatory, but I'm still coughing, and by this I mean coughing until I barf, sometimes. No shit. Of course it doesnt take much to make me blow chow; I even have to be careful brushing my teeth, but still. Not cool.
Ok, maybe a little cool, but it depends on what I've et recently. Say, Oreos. Fuck yeah. Profoundly cool. Black vomit? Come on. Gene Simmons doesn't even do that.

So it looks like I am as recovered as I'll ever be. Seems this last bout of flu fried the fuck out of my lungs to the point I have to go back on a steroid inhaler and a steroid nasal spray too. Now, that has a good side and a bad side...the good side is that I'll be able to breathe and my allergies won't bother me. I'll also have beautiful skin and hair, put on muscle mass with little effort and be full of ambition. The down side is threefold: 1. My face will get round and peachy colored like a goddam alcoholic Swede 2. Merely walking past a person who is thinking about a donut will cause me to gain weight, and 3. I'll be hornier than a three peckered billygoat. Yup. All side effects of steroid use. And I always get 'em. In another week the Biker's going to have to lock himself in the truck to get any sleep.
I'll be standing on the hood flexing my hairy biceps as I try to pry open the cab with a crowbar.
"Let me in, sweetheart! I only wanna talk to you!" WHAM! BASH!

Still, breathing is better than, you know, not breathing. Because not breathing sucks kinda.
Ask me. I know.

Tomorrow I will show you what I spent my week doing. No, not for me this vapid languishing on any bed of pain...mainly because lying down makes my damn lungs fill up with guck; otherwise I'd be on the olympic languishing team,, I know how to keep myself amused.

Anyway, I have a bunch of pictures to download so watch this space!

Oh. And, a burrito is a rockin' ass combination of a flour or corn tortilla wrapped around some nice warm refries, with maybe some onions, maybe some cheese. Definitely hot sauce. I've done a disturbingly large number of posts devoted to this most perfect of foods, so backread.

*also partially the fault of Catholocism. Check it out sometime; it's a fact. Catholic women are fricken Sasquatches. Even converts. Oh hell yes. When My ex-mother-in-law converted, one week later BAMMO! Barbershop quartet! It's just one of those mysteries of nature.


  1. Yay your back , and mostly recovered , hows the yb's belly button

  2. It's true. When Julie Andrews first played Maria, she grew more hair on her arse that Christopher Plummer had on his head.

  3. That should be 'than'. Duh.

    The word verification is "pdwusqf". The sound of a thrush farting.

  4. Anonymous1:03 AM

    Yay! Welcome back. We miiiiiissssssed yoooooooooooouuuuu!

  5. Hurray - welcome back - I was getting worried. Look after those lungs won't you? There is a brilliant tincture that you can get from the health food store called Osha. I had pleurisy last year and it really stopped all the gunk from multiplying!

    PS: It tasted absolutely disgusting but you just have to knock it back in one with some water.

    Take care xx

  6. A week exactly! say what you like but your punctual.

    Welcome back - it's been a long week.

  7. Yay! For you being back. Not for the hack-frapping.

  8. Glad you're feeling betterish. Enjoy the rollercoaster rampage that is Steroid Medication. FUN!

    Is the hair really a Catholic thing? Cause if it is, i'm glad i have more than just the 'I'm Italian' excuse. Cause that was getting old. I mean, its not like i'm Greek or anything. jeeze.

  9. Anonymous7:58 AM

    I don't know if it's a Catholic thing, but if you insist...I know the Irish have very stubborn coarse here (ask my waxing lady) and as Claire mentined the Italians, and of course the Greeks. Well, hey wait a minute you may just be on to something (as usual).

    Welcome back. Feel better and you don't really need to throw in the hacking stuff, we believe you.

  10. But do you ever get phlegm caught in the hair, so it just...dangles?

    Glad you're improving, ducks. Looking forward to the pictures...

  11. beast: thank you my darling! and yes indeed, to hell with me, right? hows the YUMMY BIKER doing? well he's just great, he is. because he's a man, you know, and has miraculous healing powers of manhood. meanwhile i continue on..stalwart...brave..hack, gag..yes.....
    tim: oh hell yes. ankles like a lowland gorilla peeking out from under that habit.
    you do know that Julie Andrews was a practitioner of tribadism, right? so you know there was at least one plot cleared for livestock anyway.
    cb: muchas smoochas, my darling! through a surgical mask of course. which sounds kinkier than i origionally intended. oh well. i will be over to yer place forthwith!!
    rocky: dang, thanks for the headsup. i am just that desparate i'll give it a go. to hell with the taste, man, i'll chase it with a shot of tequila. that oughta scare it into submission.
    studly rat: somehow i feel damned with faint praise. but i'll take it, slut that i am. btw,you look absolutely ravishing on stage you debble you. ladies and gentlemen, go check out the glory that is frobisher, star of the antiques circuit!
    mj: never mind me, ha yew? are you getting any sleep lately? insomnia is an insidious thing. you've been on my mind lately. XOO
    claire: it's not the actual hair so much as it's being covered with glittering fluff. sitting there in catholic school, all us little girls were surrounded with this fluffy radioactive aura whenever the sun backlit us just right. used to freak me out a little. whats with that? are we supposed to foof up like a cat when we get mad or something?
    g: that is an attempt at gritty postmodern realism a la robert altman. although he was film. hack barf.

  12. Anonymous9:23 AM

    continuing the catholic body hair discussion, i will share that i was raised catholic, and though i'm not terrbily hairy in general i do have hairy nipples. one more thing i can blame on the pope!

    ps. there bes some good reading at my place. you've missed a lot this week!

  13. Native American babe, sorry to hear about your ailments. Give that tincture a go, you never know.
    Never knew about the hairy catholic thing and fraid I can't help you with any real info as never got lucky with an ex catholic babe so far.
    Actually my SL girlfriend is an ex catholic so I'll ask her and get back to you.

  14. Welcome back. Technically, not breathing doesn't suck because it can't. Suck. (That's a different way to say "inhale", right?).

    Oh, never mind.

  15. I blame the catholicism for my fuzzy lip too. Bastards. No non-white blood for me though, unless you count the Sicilian. But that comes with its own added hair factor.

    AND welcome back!

  16. FN just showing a bit of boy solidarity , you are of course made of sterner stuff , so I just new you would be alright :-) , and come on a belly button that changes cool is that

  17. Glad to have you back! I am still laughing my ass off over your steroid description... classic!

  18. cb: me too. blech!!! bleahbleahbleah!
    and hold onto yer hosses, missy, im a gitten there!
    tom: ask about the upper lip. thats the clincher. thats how you tell. go ahead, ask her. im sure she'll be REALLY flattered! (lordy, tom, don't do it.)
    kristy: thats why it only sucks kinda. how did you come through the flood and the blackouts? do you have power? we lost ours for 12 hours Sunday night.
    christine: and what religion are most sicilian persons? uh huh. its science.
    beast: Yeah, the blooping purple bellybutton was interesting, and I'll miss its louche charm. anywho, he's all healed up and already overexerting himself and refusing to wear his support brace. i told him that one good sneeze will make his entrails come shooting out of his incision site like big purple silly string, but i don't think he believed me. dammit. that'd be cool.
    mizB: i aint lying, am i? you get fat, change race and run around twitching and drooling like the boner chihuahua. steroids suck ass. ASS I TELL YOU!

  19. Firsty - do try it - I tell you - it really does help. Take great care won't you. XXX Big hugs from across the sea ;-)