Thursday, December 14, 2006

grumpy cold little Muk (with spectacular tits) misses you!

Speaking of spectacular tits, THE CHAMP has returned from exile, and we are all proud as a hen done laid a square egg! Now give me some goddamn fight points, Mary.
I am tired of making excuses for not visiting or posting, and you are tired of hearing them.
Too bad; get over it.
It been one motherfuckin thing after another here at the rancho. Storms, power outages, high winds, low temps, blogger beta; yea verily the enchilada in its' entirety. I done been visiting, I swear to youse. But see, I go visiting, and I cannot comment. I switch browsers, and I cannot post. Half of you won't load. I switch back and I can post, but not pictures. Then the fuckin eel lick trisuddy goes tits up and I have to reload all my passwords and cookies and FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!
AND POOP!
... in a big mud puddle with some ketchup, and garbage, and some tartar sauce that has mold on it and French's mustard and toilet paper, and a pinecone!!!!!!!

Pam, Eats, Shoots and Leaves and any of the rest of ye who live in the Pungent Sound Region, kids, hunker the fuck down and stay at HOME. Y'all are expecting winds up to 100mph. It is eerily calm and quite still here at present. I don't hear any birds - wait, lemme check something-
nope. A couple of juvenile ravens and crows drifting over, looking around. Nobody on the ground and nobody in the trees, though. The birds, even the winter loving ones, are all roosted up waiting for the weather to pass.

Members of the Corvidae are generally accepted as the most intelligent of the northern bird species. They exhibit amazing and creative problem solving behaviors. They use tools. They adopt creatures from other species as 'pets' or 'friends', establishing mutually beneficial relationships with them. All this, in addition to the problems of flight and the everyday challenges of survival, and all done with a brain no larger than a pecan.
So, come this next storm: How many crows or ravens will there befound stranded up on some logging road for a week in their Yugo sucking on frozen pee to survive?


There are three mountain climbers stranded up on Mt. Hood at present. I feel badly for their families, but as someone who has lived next to the Cascades all her life I have to say that I don't feel a whole lot of pity for the climbers themselves. This happens EVERY. SINGLE. MOTHER BUTT FUNKY YEAR. Right around Christmas or Thanksgiving, sure enough some group of dipshits choose to get themselves lost up on the mountain. Then a whole pile of rescue personnel who really deserve better have to leave their families and homes and go search for their sorry mountain climbing asses and risk their own lives doing it. And this particular group of hikers really should have known better; they were experienced enough to have known better by all accounts. I hope they are found alive, but I also kind of hope frostbite causes them to lose a couple of fingers or a toe as a permanant reminder NOT TO BE FUCKING IDIOTS AND RISK OTHER PEOPLES LIVES.
One of the miniature bikers has this birth defect. Granted, he is a hardy sort, and knows his shit; the man's a qualified Alpine Search and Rescue stud for heavens sake. But this last Thanksgiving sure as shit the dumbass decided, on a whim, to head up to the mountain and go hiking IN A FUCKING BLIZZARD. And put his miniature truck into the ditch halfway there. Did I feel pity?
No.
-because I am a bitch, yeah, ok, but still. The roads were deserted (because the SMART PEOPLE were all home cooking meth or screwing their housepets-it is Central Sound, after all- or watching the Seahawks) So he GOT OUT OF THE TRUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BLIZZARD. All 93 lbs of uninsulated gristle. Yeah. He hiked up the road. He found a rangers station. It was deserted. He tried to break in. He couldn't. So he hiked back to his truck. Several hours later a PSE truck came and hauled him out just as he was turning into a miniature Cajuncicle.
So . Major holiday of joy, perfect for inflicting the upcoming aniversary of your senseless death on your loved ones for the rest of their lives? CHECK
Dangerous recreational outdoor sport? CHECK
Middle of winter? CHECK
Bad weather expected? CHECK
Unfamiliar with the terrain? CHECK
Attempt to 'go for help'? CHECK

STAY.
AT.
HOME.
UPDATE: it is now straight up noon, and THE WINDS ARE BEGINNING.
YIKES.
UPDATED UPDATE: at 2:45 sideways sleet and 40mph sustained winds from the northeast give way to crepescular darkness, torrential downpour, and seagulls. stay tuned.
GAY-FRIENDLY UPDATE: 6:pm sees continuing downpour. No wind, just rain. Worst storm since 94? meh. Ellen Degeneris, Sir Elton John.
TWEAKING UPDATE: 9:30 on the dot. the Gale has begun, and I is out! see y'all later!

18 comments:

  1. Anonymous9:24 AM

    I am staying put! The winds are going to be horrendous in a little while.

    you sound just like my father when he talks about the idiots that climb mountains in the winter and get stuck, lost, dead. They don't have brains, apparently. I doubt the three of them that are lost on Mt. Hood are still alive. It's been days and day and the weather has been spitting some really horrific stuff at them.

    So hunker down baby. I think you're getting it worse than we are today.

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  2. pam: aren't you out on whidbey? they're going to get the 100mph winds, anyway. *SO pathetically happy to be communicating with the outside world, snif*
    we're all set. candles, water, canned ready to eats, blankies, burritos, chew.
    at least one of them was alive enough two days ago to mess with his cell phone again; his cell co. logged activity. so fingers crossed, and prayers.
    you stay safe, pam. XOO

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  3. Anonymous10:22 AM

    Hurrah I am all beta'd up at long last so I can comment again.....fecking googly fecking beta fecking blogger.

    Being no strangers to bad wind of all descriptions at Chez Beasty , I concur with you wise woman of the north
    DONT GO OUT YOU FUCKWITS

    unless the wind is eminating from inside the house then
    A.Change your diet
    B.Book an excorcism
    and also
    DONT GO OUT YOU FUCKWITS

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  4. Anonymous12:26 PM

    They should be made to sign a waiver not to be rescued if they get into trouble, it they want to go and win the Darwin award then let them.

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  5. Anonymous2:57 PM

    Funny old world...you have loonies venturing out in blizzards.Down this way, there is always at least one who'll try to drive through a flooded river(The 4x4 ads look so cool!) or go outside in a cyclone.And there's usually alcohol involved when someone gets a snake bite. If the Mt.Hood guys get frostbite it should be on the parts that prevent their genes recirculating. Rough on their families though.Hope you're all OK.

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  6. Anonymous3:13 PM

    Sounds breezy - dont use an umbrella whatever you do - it will go inside out! Mine is still full of cat poo by the way.

    If the wnds are indoors it could be a vortex - if so steer clear as it may suck you to another dimension!

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  7. Anonymous3:17 PM

    Sounds breezy - dont use an umbrella whatever you do - it will go inside out! Mine is still full of cat poo by the way.

    If the wnds are indoors it could be a vortex - if so steer clear as it may suck you to another dimension!

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  8. "Going tits up" is second only to "Shit the Bed" in my book of favorite off-color phrases for something falling apart or dying on you.

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  9. I've already started drinking in preparation for the big storm. And if I end up with my ruby slippers sticking out from under a house in the Kansas vicinity, you'll know what happened.

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  10. When the wind is strong, I like nothing better than looking out of the window and laughing at everyone stuck out there.

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  11. Anonymous1:59 AM

    let's all jump up and down and cheer for...


    SCHADENFREUDE!!!

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  12. Anonymous2:47 AM

    'fraid that's lost on most commenters here CB. But I like it a lot.

    It was a bit windy here yesterday and we're expecting a bit of drizzle later on - will this hellish winter never end!!!

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  13. Anonymous4:57 AM

    Schadenfreude is my main pleasure in life - sometimes my only pleasure...

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  14. You did remember to wear your best flannel bloomers in case you have to be rescued from the storm?
    Hope you and the YB are safe and cozy.

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  15. beast: I concur, wise beast of the nsouth of england kind of near the isle of wight. high winds are nothing to laugh at. depending on the source.
    knudie: gotta agree. unfortunately its all the young, buff, healthy ones that do this. sigh.
    dinahmow: welcome welcome! idiocy knows no geographical boundaries.we have the same 4X4 mentality here, only it has to do with feeling godlike in icy conditions, and being ever so not.
    muttley: worth saying twice. helpful hint: kitty should be left alone to do her jobbie and not teased with an umbrella. kitty has exacted her revenge.
    mutha: comes of a misspent youth spent among the rough elements. yttrium, molybdenum, kryptonite..
    mj: bitch, you land a house on me and my sister will make your life MISERABLE.
    billy: i would chide you if i weren't preoccupied with laughing at the poor morons out putting on shingles across the street.
    cb: the man's name is speled FREUD. geeze. keep up.
    Ratso: thats not a winter; thats a bit of a drizzle. what WE'RE having is WINTER, sunny jim! I dread finding what the southerlies have left imbedded in the side of my house this a.m.
    muttley: Freuds' first name was not SHAUDEN or whatever; it was Steve!. you peple sre so igneurunt!
    ara: ha yew doin in tejas? dodging cattle and lunatics in your never ending quest for a comfortable foundation garment, one supposes. l'chaim, baby!

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  16. My son told me there is an element named Einsteinium -- after the man himself (99 on the element chart). None are named after Marlo Thomas.

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  17. Anonymous3:58 AM

    Polonium is named after Lonie Polonie - the Australian internet queen (now 100% rectum free)!

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  18. Actually Tits don't seem too spectaculer to me. Big blobs of fat served for the perpose of keeping human infants alive when no other food works.
    Tits serve the purpose of keeping the human race surviving past infancy.That's it.
    It just too big pieces of skin rather ugly and annoying.
    If someones not having a baby why have them at all?
    Yes people get lost in the mountains here too.All though I feel pity for them.
    I wouldn't trust myself on a mountain or even try for that reason.

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