Thursday, December 07, 2006

UPDATED: a peek inside the sanctum sanctorum

NOTE: this is my SPARE BEDROOM. I was in a frolicsome mood and I did a post about my SPARE BEDROOM, OK???
There are a couple of pictures of my husbands' GARAGE tacked on at the end.
Good Gravy MARIE. This is not what my whole house looks like. We are somewhat civilized. Even though there is a great big picture of a naked blue woman displayed in my dining room in such a way that it can clearly be seen from halfway down the street in either direction. It is a Matisse, therefore it is classy.
Now then.
Welcome to the craft room and emergency dormition chamber!
Everyone should have one of these. This is where I keep all the supplies for my art stuff. It also holds a purportedly 200 year old bed to which I retreat when the Biker is staging one of his nocturnal performances of 'Drowning Phlegm Mammoth Submits to Liposuction.'

Yes it's sideways but you get the idea. It's a poster with different North American snakes on it. I buy old posters at garage sales because they're pretty useful for making patterns, or to back collages with. I really liked the picture on this one so I stuck it up.
I like snakes; they're so graceful and elegant. And yes I pick them up and shit. It helps that there aren't any poisonous ones on this side of the Cascades. I can just run around thoughtlessly waving them about. And I do.

One wall papered with Civil War era sheet music, masterfully applied by this little Muk if I do say so myself. I cooked up -literally, on the stove- an archival adhesive to stabilize them with, treated the ground with the same and finished it with water based polymer. Shit was like handling cigarette ash, some of it. Time is not kind to acid treated pulp. Makes rockin' wallpaper though. Plus it cost 3 dollars and sweat. Can't beat that.

The Skeletal Hand of Doom suspended over the Purportedly 200 Year Old Bed of Obscene Frolic. I'm probably the first splittail thats been between these rails since Pearl Harbor was attacked. From the Biker side of the family. 'Nuff said.

I've had this poster since I was 17. It is a reproduction. No you may not have it. No I will not accept money for it. Quit bothering me.

My beloved Tank Girl sticker, blocking the breeze that shoots out of the cable outlet whenever there's a high wind from the south. Why someone saw fit to put a cable outlet halfway up the center of a wall is a mystery, like Mothman, and why Lindsay Lohan refuses to wear uns and REALLY REALLY SHOULD.

I've had this map of Stonehenge for 20 years. It was folded up in the back of a British Parks Department (whatever the correct name for that is) booklet. The whole thing is beautifully, beautifully hand inked. No not this exact one. You know what I mean.
Whoever produced this map was a master. I've done calligraphy since 1978 and I know how difficult it is to simply maintain uniformity, let alone freehand map symbols. A beautiful thing.
I was on a Stonehenge kick about ten years ago. I read every nonfiction book and article I could find on the subject. What I learned is that nobody knows who built it or what its for, but they DO know that it's 1. big, and 2. made of rocks.

Let's call the large skull here Mr. Coyote, although I suspect that it may actually be a rottweiler. Really. We won't ask, though. The small one is Mr. Bunny Rabbit. The neibors cat drug it in off the road and left it in my shed to rot into a squirming mat of bones, fur, and what we ardent compost devotees here at rancho FirstNations refer to as 'motile rice'.

Did you know that if you dump bleach on maggots they foam up? They do. Just like pop. Try it sometime and see! It's science!

Speaking of unpleasant decay, here's some socks.
I like socks.
I should wash these.
No this is not why we have maggots.
Come on. We live in dairy country = cows = manure = flies, and the neibors cats like to kill shit and leave it laying in my yard = dead shit in my yard = flies = promiscuous fly sex = muk with a shovel full of maggoty field rat walking towards the neibors yard looking pissed off.
Ooo. Wait a sec:

Meet Hanta!
Hanta here is a field rat I found dried into a hairy little hardtack wafer in my shed. I brought it through the shop on my way to go flick it over into the neibors yard when I had a brilliant idea.
I nailed it next to the doorway to the Bikers' spray booth. At eye level.
And said nothing.
It took him ONE YEAR to notice it.

As long as we're invading his privacy...

The Shop of Evil.
There is No Humping in the Shop of Evil.
That USED to be our Sportster.

Can you spot it?
This is where I used to refinish furniture and make things. This is where I used to keep my bench vise, circular saw, clamps, bits, my detail sanders, my power drill, my woodworking tools, abrasives, paints, brushes, hand tools, thinner, masking, tape, scribes etc. All organized, all painted orange so they couldn't get mixed up with his tools, yeah.
See much orange in that picture? Me neither.
It's been taken over.
It was built for me. It was made for me. It is too short for the YB to use.
Now you know who uses it?
Miniature bikers.
All YB's miniature toy-sized companion breed biker friends come over and use MY WORKBENCH and get all their miniature biker crap all over it.
Stupid miniature bikers.


  1. Anonymous1:11 PM

    You have some fantastic stuff - and man lots of space. The skull does not look like a dog to me - could it be extra-terrestrial or maybe some kind of mutant?

    Stonehenge isn't far from where I live in my view its dwarved in beauty by the lesser known, but remarkably still used Bridport Henge - it is rarely seen as the Sun worshippers occupying the area are cannibals and keep most people out!

    I like the snake think - reminds us who the real hero in the Garden of Eden was!

  2. muttley: one assumes they worship beetroot at bridport henge. one might be wrong, but one does not think so.
    the real garden of eden hero was frobisher. brandishing his teflon cake pan he vanquished the invading danish hordes with one disdainful glance.
    get it?
    danish-dis-dane'd? see? because disdain could be also dis-dane? like danish? but not? yeah.

  3. Anonymous4:10 PM

    Men tend to take over things in the shop areas of life. I think its part of their genetic makeup. Maybe if you painted things pink instead of orange he'd leave your space alone?

  4. A few more of those mice and you can make a rug.

  5. As high priest of a little known Beetroot worshipping cult in darkest dorset....I am available to offer spiritual advice.If you seal dirty socks in an airtight bag for two days they self clean.

    ***dances nekkid...duabed in greet the sun***

  6. Anonymous5:18 AM

    I feel so tidy now! Thank you.

  7. Just spray some Febreeze on the socks and they're good to go again.

    Are YB's friends midgets? Midget bikers?

    Love your house tours.

  8. Anonymous6:35 AM

    We have a human skull in our dumping room,sorry I mean office (We're doctors not psychopathic axe murderers). Perhaps we should also start nailing pathology specimens to the wall.

  9. *****scraping up roadkill to use as decoration in lounge****

  10. I'm waiting for you to show us the maggots you cleverly turned into wall covering.

  11. Anonymous10:43 AM

    I think the style of your house is called "eclectic"

    I would love to a wall hanging using Mr. Stinks the cat - trouble is he's still alive

  12. My Significant Other married me for my hammer action drill and complete set of drill bits! And now I have no idea where they even are, such is the filing system (ha!) in the garage. These days SO leaves the house and I am unable to change a f***ing fuse because I don't know where the screwdrivers are.

  13. Anonymous3:13 PM

    You could make a casserole with the mice as well as a rug..

  14. Mutley - you hound!

  15. pam: i wish it were that easy. at one point i actually had to paint things green with polka dots and it still didn't matter.
    ara: twasnt a mouse, twas a field rat. makes a better sconce than a rug.
    beast: thats um, how you get rid of lice, beast. but, yeah. um. plastic bag. yeah.
    qenny: well fine. be smug. whats in your spare bedroom? i bet socks.
    mj: febreeze is tough to use when the trigger is melting. and yes, he has more tiny teeny little buddies...ill do a post.
    realdoc: learn from my experience. make sure they're really dry first. the wet ones drip.
    beast: together we will start a new trend in home design! we will call it the 'high road trophy'
    danator: now see, you gave me an idea. *puts away bleach bottle and surveys walls appraisingly*
    frobi: mr. stinks the cat could decorate them for you. little smelly splatty decorations at about ankle height, but call it a decorative frieze in an aromatic medium.
    mangonel: oh hell yes. mine keeps making off with my damn singlejack hammer. how the fuck am i supposed to garden without a seven pound hammer? i ask you! men!
    muttley: look again. that crook in the tail is perfect for hanging over the rim of a cup...teabag!
    ara: and you would NOT BELIEVE what he's done to my sofa either.

  16. I love your sheet music wallpaper - I want it so much!

  17. I worked on a farm once, and I really really really hate flies now, we had to compete with them at dinner time for the food, bleach the maggots, let god sort out his own.

  18. Anonymous4:23 AM

    "British Parks Department" - do you mean the National Trust?

  19. Intoresting things not the usaul.
    I like to do crafts although directions to do it is hard and it takes patience. You have to like repeative stuff or it doesn't work.
    I like how your place is decorated different I like houses that are decorated not convientnial.