Sunday, December 03, 2006

make it go away.


make the bad potty snow leave.
bad, bad toilet snow.
dirty smelly potty snow,
stinky butt fart snow.
i hate snow.

No longer snowbound thanks to the City of Sumas, I roamed at large yesterday. Our streets are plowed and sanded and have been maintained that way. No sweat; no problem. Run the plow-sander around every few hours while the snow is falling, every evening when it isn't, problem solved, move on.

See, out here on this end of the county people retain some dim memory of weather past and don't spaz the fuck out like a bunch of overstimulated chihuahuas every time the white stuff arrives, like they do down in Seattle. I swear to you.
And whats even worse is that every person with an ailing car and a fresh lobotomy scar decided to take to the goddamn freeway at the same time. And what time was that? Why, right in the middle of the assbastardly BLIZZARD. C'mon, Ru Leen, git them kids inta their shorts and t shirts! Hell yeah I know yew having labor pains. Don't be a damn wimp. Lemme crack open this here bottle of Canadian Mist and go warm up the Volkswagen!
And there they still sit, knawing on their own extremeties and huffing their own funk inside the frozen tombs that their Mitsubishis and Toyotas have become.
When I lived in Seattle, I was poor. I was a single mother. I relied on public transport. Still, I did not instantly dash outside like a depressed lemming when the snow hit. I watched the news and the sky and stocked up on cnadles, canned food and baby milk. You see, I knew, thanks to something coded deep within my dim ancestral pool of instinct, that ICE IS SLIPPERY.
And so I would sit in my cozy apartment, cuddled in the bay window seat drinking nice hot soup with my baby, watching the Mercedes-es and the BMWs-es of the financially fortunate skating sideways down 17th Avenue hill, twirling and pinballing from side to side of the street, bouncing off parked cars and snow berms and retaining walls and the front of busses while the clueless organism behind the wheel frantically floored the gas and honked the horn. This would happen all damn day and on into the night. You could hear them beeping and whirring into the distance as they glissanded down into the center of the MLK way five way intersection at the bottom of the hill, where they were turned into the worlds most expensive bump actuated pinwheels.

I got out to see my Goonybird yesterday, and my face still aches from smiling. This is the BEST KID. Of course he has the BEST MOMMY too. He is way into playing lets pretend games, so we sat in a circle on the rug, and he made us a campfire out of whole wheat bread crusts.

So far the Stainless Steel Amazon has failed to chase off her boyfriend, so who knows? I may have to come up with a nickname for this one. Seeing as how he has chosen-voluntarily, without outside coercion, kids; CHOSEN- to contend with my daughter and her amazing Random Death Dealing Temper and Explosions With Fire and Death Fragments Of Deadly Death and Exploding Gasoline Napalm Angry Of Temper, that nickname might just end up being 'Poor Bastard'.
In fact, I think that's it. D, you are hereby christened The Poor Bastard.

If my daughter reads this I am so dead.*snerk!*
well, maybe if she changed her tune he would be 'lucky bastard.'

Yeah, I'm going to quit now while I still have an extended family.
I love you all deeply and unreasonably, my darlings, but I cannot spend the time visiting around that I used to because this end of the house is freezing.


  1. Anonymous12:05 PM

    i think we're overdue for some fresh gooneybird pics.

  2. I'm with you, that frosty the snowman scares 7 shades of shite out of me, he needs some hot water and salt if anyone ever asked me, which I doubt they would.

  3. Oy! This is my point exactly. When my in-laws talked about being house bound for 6 days in Bellingham because of 10 inches of snow -- I choked! Get out there and shovel, sand what ever! Dang! Boston has no patience for ya -- show that snow whose boss -- and then go back in your house and calm down!
    PS: Old Knudsen you make me laugh!

    And I loved the gooney-bird story with the crusts.

  4. That's the best poem ever.


  5. We had a mini hurricane on saturday was a howling and a screaming , I was unfortunaltey trying to drive home in it(see your right about idiots jumping in thier cars, it applies to all adverse weather conditions and it wasnt just me Frobisher was about 10 minutes ahead of me on the same road )and was having a bit of trouble staying on the road .Still managed to get home donging the bits of tree , fence and the off roof on the way.
    Does the snow now stay till about next June ???

  6. Anonymous1:28 AM

    What's a pome?

    Stick another sweater on!

  7. Anonymous3:25 AM

    The Jackyls ate my baby! again!

  8. Last year the buses here stopped running becasue there was a DUSTING of snow.


  9. Do these body Thetans make me look fat?

  10. I hate cold weather. I am sitting here with my mini space heater at my feet. And it feels goooood!

    This post had me cracking up! Thanks for the laugh...I feel good now!

  11. first you go on for weeks talking about snow and make me missing snow.

    now this.

    can you just send some this way?

  12. Anonymous4:00 PM

    but i like snow. we never get snow, but i like it anyway.

  13. To make it snow, simply crouch in a foetal position, rocking back and forth, muttering "I wish it would snow. I wish it would snow," over and over.

    Maybe doing it backwards would make it stop snowing?

  14. Anonymous10:05 AM

    If you think seattle is bad, a couple of flakes in the UK is liable to send the whole country into meltdown.
    Another interesting fact: during the 'troubles' in Northern Ireland the IRA used to hijack the gritting lorries (US translation sanding trucks) and make them pour all the grit away so the roads were really slippy. Now, see that's old-fashioned terrorism the way it used to be.

  15. Knud your funny too.
    Snow is headed in our direction. It seems to hit midwest first than work it's way up.
    It's been cold and the sun goes down at 3:00 pm. It's fusterating when your a walking type and you have this many hours till it's too dark.
    A sunny day but cold enough to snow. I like to sled and make a snowman gasp. Watch the snowflakes but I would hate driving in it.
    Snow can get old after awhile.
    When you've sled all you can and done everything you can do in it.
    I liked what you called the snow.

  16. 1. I have no idea why people are so dumb about snow & ice. I grew up partly in upstate NY and the Berkshires, where I learned to skip gaily through chest-deep snow drifts in Capezios with no socks and force my father to drive me to Duran Duran concerts in raging blizzards. I have almost no fear of snow. I LOVE snow. But I know how to drive in it - CARFULLY and ONLY IF YOU HAVE TO DO SO.
    Stupid humans.

    2. We want you to post more often, so: It's called a space heater. Look into it.

    3. Do Gooneybirds have feet of bone and sinew?

  17. Its not funny when Frosty is shovin his snowballs in yer face. Go for the hat if he gets you.

  18. I'm frightened of snowballs.

    And frisbees.

  19. Anonymous2:42 AM

    Has Jack Frost got you?

  20. Anonymous6:28 AM

    Just for that, I will announce here that I am quitting my job in a couple of weeks. HA.

    Ok so I am going onto another contract with more money but whatever.

    Whaddya mean, Change My Tune?! He is the luckiest dude ever, damnit!

  21. everyone: i am lazy and uncaring. mea culpa. i suck. i should be punished. i should have big doody turds of heavenly wrath flarped down upon my shingles with jalapeno and harbenero destructo chunks. with a pinecone stuck in the top. and some gravel. and a stick with a leaf on it like a flag.
    sorry. i will quit being a wimp and post now.

  22. The change in weather can be annoying with not having as much energy.
    I hate when it's cloudy for days and doesn't do anything.