Because she VVV
lived there.
Emily.
She grew up there. She ate dinner there, went to school there, started menstruating there, learned to read there, ate a bunch of pussy there, has family there, met my cousin VVV
there, got married there and had a kid there.
The entire city of New York is irrevocably doomed. Flakes of her dna have met and merged with the lung tissue of thousands of unfortunate New Yorkers over the years where it is even now mutating into an evil mind controlling carcinoid.
Eventually this carcinoid will assimilate its' host and thousand of whining, pself-important bullies with glistening assholes in the middle of their foreheads and superflous body hair will march forth, four abreast, past the Port Authority building for ever and ever, declaiming to the skies 'our babysitter was a man! and black! and gay!"
Why did fate see fit to give this horrible, horrible woman an expensive education? Why did it see fit to endow her with money in her latter years? Money she used to further her self-serving projects in the name of local liberalism and thus render riduculous the reputation of liberals locally merely by association?
Why did fate see fit to make her just social and just plausible enough to garner the ill-informed respect of other persons with money and educations? Persons who live in the same town as me?
Why has this vile, vile woman attached herself to me like a lamprey?
I will tell you why!
She is a birth order victim! She is a typical Oldest Sister Displaced by a Younger Sibling in a Dysfunctional Family Environment who never outgrew it! She is Jafar! The scheming and conniving, jealous, plotting grand vizier of an imaginary realm where she is supposed to be the rightful ruler because shes' better than YOU are! She is the nasty little girl at her sisters' birthday party throwing a tantrum because none of the presents are for her, and if she can't have them then SHE'S GOING TO SPOIL EVERYONES PARTY SO HA HA HA!
The single event that will crown this womans' existance will be to to meet up with me by chance with her husband at her side and grandly inform me that MY FATHER DIED here, in town, and I NEVER ONCE CAME TO SEE HIM and that THEY GOT EVERYTHING and I GOT NOTHING and MY FATHER DIED CALLING OUT MY NAME (Johnny Walker, apparently) and HE NEVER GOT TO SEE HIS GRANDDAUGHTER OR HIS GREAT-GRANDSON BECAUSE OF ME and that THERE NEVER WAS ANY PROBLEMS IN MY FAMILY AT ALL IT WAS ALL ONE BIG MISTUNDERSTANDING...
MINE, OF COURSE
And that HE WAS SORRY and that MY FAMILY NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE THAN TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT AND JUST APOLOGIZE AND BE HAPPY EVEN THOUGH NOTHING HAPPENED BUT I COULDN'T BE A BIG ENOUGH PERSON AND COME FORWARD AND FORGIVE THEM EVEN THOUGH NOTHING HAPPENED and anyway everything that happened is ALL MY FAULT and ALL IN MY IMAGINATION and NEVER HAPPENED and THEY NEVER HEARD ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL EXCEPT HOW MUCH MY POOR MOTHER AND FATHER LOVED AND MISSED ME! BOY DID I FUCK UP! BOY AM I A LOSER! I AM THE MOST TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE WOMAN IN EXISTANCE!
The thing is, she doesn't believe that.
None of it.
Neither of them do.
They both know that they were lied to consistantly and with poor or more often no reason -or even continuity of plot, for Gods' sake. They weren't exempt from the games, the lies or the sickness. Oh HELL no.
But it seems like knowing that I am out here with this wound is drawing them to me like flies to sugar. Emily in particular. She has to play the hyenas' role and if it's the last thing she does, it will happen. She needs to be the playground bully. She needs to make me be a victim.
This freaks me out.
I cannot begin to tell you now much this freaks me out.
Someone has me targeted for a very specific and most likely public form of humiliation and pain.
Based on no facts. Only because the opportunity is there to push the knife in.
She will. She'll use a very intimate and painful and private thing from my life to skewer me with. It's all planned out and only the opportunity needs to arise.
I know this sounds paranoid. It is not. It genuinely describes two people from a family of similar people. A group of folks from whom I completely severed all contact more than twenty years ago.
Except apparently that won't do. I was absolutely nothing whatsover to them back in the day, except an object of contempt, but now that I'm removed from their circle I seem to have some kind of newfound, icky allure they find irresistable.
Does anyone know what I mean? How do you put something like this to rest? How do you end it? In my case, divorcing myself, cutting off all forms of contact, that wasn't enough. They followed my daughter around and harrassed her. They even coached their own son to follow her around and demand our phone number and address. Really!
What makes this really creepy and sick is that my phone number is listed. My address is too. It always has been.
It was harrassment. Subtle, sneaky, harrassment aimed at me, using my daughter as a dupe, who thinks I am an absolute paranoid loon for even thinking such a thing. You see how this works?
My daughter has no goddamn clue how this shit plays.
I was used in the exact same way when I was a kid. I know these moves. Oh, yes indeed. Children are nothing to these people. There are many, many good reasons I have no contact with them. They belong to what I can only describe as a tiny little family subculture of child abuse, alcoholism, battery and sexual crimes.
Oh, but they look so good.
So good.
So plausible.
So smooth.
You bet I'm still very wary.
You bet I'm still scared.
The price of freedom really is perpetual vigilance. And being thought of as a total paranoid loon.
It's like trying to leave the fricken' Mob.
______________
So in other words, yes: I was published last week, a month early, in the Betty Pages.
Under my real meatspace name.
And I am trippin my tits off.
All for you!
Eh?
ReplyDeleteIs this about the Clinton squaw or am I hallucinating?
I liked FDR. He had a gammy leg, and his wife was a mentallist.
All I saw was a hairy patch.
ReplyDeleteForgive me, for now that is stil all I see.
"How do you put something like this to rest? How do you end it?"
ReplyDeleteMove. New address, unlisted. New phone number, unlisted. Advise SSA to do same for the sake of herself, her new-betrothed mountain man, and the G-bird.
and re: the first photo. Ew!!!
ps. why oh WHY did she have a photo taken of her hairy hairy crotch???
ReplyDeletegod that's really frightening! I have to say, that although I know you not at all - 'victim' is not one of the adjectives I would ever have used - until now that is.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth I don't see running and hiding an option - just keeping a big big BIG fucking distance.
Thinking of you xx
No, that only sounds paranoid to people who don't have family. I think most people know somebody that crazed and persistent, that's why we all drink so much at family reunions.
ReplyDeleteUm. Unless I'm just in the same fucked-up boat as you are, and all the other, normal people are over there waving to us from the shore.
I don't doubt you at all, FN. Mrs. Nator's family on her father's side is exactly the same way. She spent all week a short while ago avoiding her crazy-ass aunt who was vacationing in NYC. We were later notified via the grapevine that crazy-ass aunt was disappointed because she and abusive-alcoholic-father-who-Mrs.N-has-not-spoken-to-in-years wanted to inform us that they had decided after much soul searching that they would "accept" us into the family, even though were are disgusting, godless lesbians. O, Rapture!
ReplyDeleteUp until that point I was urging Mrs. Nator to consider that abusive-father and crazy-ass aunt might be improving and it might help her to try to forgive them. Now I agree that she should not only hide from them, but pelt them with something rotten should they ever make it close.
Hang in there, hon. Have any roadkill handy?
Paranoia does not write eloquently of itself. Paranoia does not express rational views. And paranoia certainly does not feel justifiably "warm and fuzzy" at publication of brilliant work.
ReplyDeleteErgo: you are not paranoid.
Congrats, on publication and non-paranooia.
Man you needed to get that off your chest - I was squintin so bad I nearly dint notice your good news! Published at last man - that is so good. Can I put you down as a reference on my CV?
ReplyDeleteIn response, CB:
ReplyDeleteI will not move, change my life or accomodate these fools in ANY manner...it doesn't bother me. If these retarded pseudo-relatives are intent on harassing me until the end of my days, let them. It's THEIR waste of life, NOT mine, and I absofuckinglutely REFUSE to let them control it in any way, shape, or form.
What are they going to do, TALK to me? GOD FORBID. That there is *quite possibly* the WORST THING anyone has EVER done to me in my ENTIRE life (feel the sarcasm?) aside from all of the other actually horrible stuff that has happened once in a blue moon.
But thank you for the sentiment. I prefer to live my own life on my own terms, though, and not let some fucking retard with a stick up her ass and a hard-on for harassment get to me.
As for my mother, she is welcome to deal with the annoying twat cousin in any way she feels comfortable with.
That is her thing, her row to hoe, if you will, or might I dare say her karma that she needs to work out.
If I was in her shoes, I would perhaps ponder that while the familythatisnotatallfamily is evil and has chosen her as a scapegoat for all of the evils and sins (of which there are plenty), anything these fucktards perpetrate has very little to actually do with her. Which she knows. I suggest not participating, by which it is no longer a part of her reality. They don't exist except as mosquitoes on a human scale.
Because...your universe is what you create, after all. I direct you to his holiness the Dalai Lama's Universe in a Single Atom, and Ruiz's The Four Agreements and Lao Tsu's Tao te Ching.
Mommy, don't hate me, it is just how I perceive it. You aren't paranoid, it does exist. I am exasperated that you lend them the control you do after all this time - you are still playing their game. Disengage!
And kiss a Gooneybird, that always helps.
We love you.
SSA's got it right. You can not let these people hold any currency over your head. You have your life, you are living it, they mean nothing to you. They're negativity can only get in if you take it on. Kick it back to the gutter where it belongs and keep on living. And MAZAL TOV on the publication. Is there an on-line link that you can provide or did I miss that day in class?
ReplyDeleteBy the way, in the midst of your "paranoia" I laughed at the things that didn't happen that happened when they weren't happening to you which couldn't have happened...Glad you're defrosted.
Sweetie, look at it this way.
ReplyDeleteYou broke away, you made the choice to get out.
A famous lady said something like, 'No one can intimidate you but you', and it's true.
These motherfuckers have no control over you, or any right to intimidate you. By showing you're worrying, you've let them win. Without even trying.
So what if it's public? So what? All us in BlogWorld know you're lovely and anyone in MeatSpace who knows you knows not to listen to those fucktards.
I'll be there for you honey.
Smoochies.
garfer: eleanor roosevelt could read minds? now I feel like I'm missing something.
ReplyDeleteawaiting: at lake padden many children each summer are scarred similarly. forgive me. *directs awaiting to bears+cubs4u website in atonement*
cb: no, THEY have to move. i know, you've heard it all before. i just wish this would QUIT BUGGING ME!
ziggi: thanks! would you boil them in that nice big pot of yours?
alala: that's the country that REALLY scares me. full speed reverse!
danator: gosh, thats DAMNED DECENT of them. i'm sending them violent scalp botfly vibrations of psionic rebuke. fucktards. the lovely mrs. danator deserves so much better than that!!!!!PISSED!
muttley: thank you, mr. the dog! go ahead. i dont know what a cv is but i'm game. that's why i married a biker!
ssa: *gulp* whups. thats me told.
g: mazel tov back atcha! and yeah...the only time this comes up is when i stick my head up above the trench and try to regain some of the territory i lost over the years. scary stuff.
noshit: it gets more complicated when the woman in question owns her own newspaper and has used local print medium in the past to needle you. but yeah, i know, i do know. i need to get over this! thank you. smooches back atcha.
p.s.
ReplyDeletei love you too, ssa. you are right. i know you are right. why? because except for the dalai lama stuff thats the same stuff i used to tell you.
i am a spaz. i know.
BUT I AM A SPAZ WITH A NEW LIVING ROOM SET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Sorry FN. I'm coming into this one a bit late, computer's been playing up for the past couple of days.
ReplyDeleteSSA is right. You can't move. That means they've won. Running does no good anyway, you're still constantly looking over your shoulder, the fear of bumping into them is still there tainting every time you leave the house until you end up trapped in your apartment, terrified to go out, to breathe, to think.
The only thing you can do is to rise above it, pay it no heed. Easier said than done (I know). None of us like to be hurt or humiliated, that's a basic fact of humanity. Hard not to worry about ways it might damage the people you love. In fact I'd say that the worry of how it might harm the people you care about is worse than the fear of how it might hurt you because the worst hurt there is, is watching those you love being hurt.
I don't have any answers of how you can deal with it, or stop it. I wish I did. I don't think this sort of story ever ends - not really, despite apologies and reconciliations and "being adult" about things Too much in the past ever to be put to rest and too many issues to be dealt with on either side as well.
All you can ever do is to get on with your life, as you see fit. To only worry about how you appear to those you love and to make sure that they know how much you love them. The more, (and the harder) you do that the stronger you get and the weaker these people become. They'll try harder then to hurt you - but you'll be strong enough to deal with it. It's your only option - you could bend yourself into a pretzel shape to suit them but it still won't be enough, nothing you do will ever be enough, so might as well be happy in the way that you choose, not the way that they think is right.
So, they have some painful and humiliating piece of information that they can use to skewer you with. I bet you have the same on them. We know you're a decent human being and you wouldn't use it - but they don't and these people judge and anticipate your possible actions based on what they would do in a similar situation. So don't worry too much about that. Hell, you've already won that round anyway - you've already lived through the painful and humiliating event they're going to use - so you've survived it once, you can survive it again.
I wish I had the answer to how you can deal with people like this. I really do. But I don't. What I can tell you is that you're surrounded by people who love you, family and friends (and virtual friends too), that there are thousands more people out there who haven't even met you yet but who are waiting to love you and that against those odds, E and people like her are a very small (if irritating) percentage.
Hang on it there.