Tuesday, January 23, 2007

well, enough of THAT.

Guess what my Yummy Biker just put on layaway for me? Because he loves me? Because I am his very own little red hot rockin' Native American love princess?


A BRAND NEW LIVING ROOM SET.
This will be the first time in my life that I have had a matching suite of living room furniture
THAT I LIKE.
That is BRAND NEW.
That I PICKED OUT.
From a REAL, UPMARKET FURNITURE STORE.
Not a discount house, a resale store, a garage sale, a storage unit or off the back of a truck.
It has take me 26 years to have grown-up furniture that I can stand looking at.

BEHOLD THE GLORY THAT IS MY NEW LIVING ROOM SET!



...except without the chrome, and without the coffee table but WITH a matching ottoman.

OH HELL YES.






Remember my old furniture?


..I won't even show you a picture of the whole monstrous thing. It's too awful.

What can I say? We needed a set and this was quality stuff, Ethan Allen in fact. We we got it for 200$ the set, too. Knowing full well that it is so very, very horrible. I mean, the HORROR. It got to the point this last two years that I would look at it, and it would look back at me, and be country french, and white brocade with floral trophies, and we would hate each other with a vile and dire loathing.

Then it started to tear. All of it, all in the same week. Rip, rip, rip. So much for Ethan Allen lifetime quality upholstery! Patooie! I spit upon their so called quality which has the brain of a duck you know!

Then the Goonybird started picking the batting out of the cushions and feeding it to the dog pictured above, who is just tard enough to eat it. The evidence is still in my back yard, too. Little tufts of fibrefil here and there. You see the birds carrying it around.

Nature is disgusting.

Over the last year, between the spilled coffee and the peanut butter sandwiches the Biker and I just gave up all semblance of giving a rat's ass. It was open season on the furniture of horror. The furniture lost. Bigtime.

And now I get to enjoy the sight of it waiting sadly by the curb for someone to come by in the dead of the night and think they're really getting away with something and stealing it! Yee Haw! Fokkin' Ted Nooooogent, yo! Raaaawk! Bye bye ugly couch! Farewell loveseat of evil! And away it goes to grace the shag carpeted meth lab in the trailer park it always belonged in!

19 comments:

  1. Sweeeeet. I love that modernist furniture. Is it comfortable?Congratulations! [Happy dance for FN's furniture happiness!]

    We have a previously pristine vintage 50s mod couch that is now covered in cat piss and soy milk. We're starting to look for a new couch that will actually repel cat-related substances, or maybe even cats, in general. Any suggestions? Also, will you arrange the meth-dealing trailer dewellers take away the old one for us? TYFYATTVIM.

    Now, what is this Betty Pages you spoke of, and where can we find your piece?

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  2. Anonymous8:55 AM

    Hey, we had this in our chichi art school foyer. Right there with the pistachio walls. It's actually really comfy, despite its artyfarty appearance.

    Are you going Danish Modern in the rest of the house?

    ps, hi. I've not posted before here but I love the blog. LAWV IT.

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  3. Oooh, new furniture. Always exciting.

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  4. I can confirm that it will be far, far easier to get dog dribble off your sexy new sofa.

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  5. danator: the closest i'll ever get to corbusier in this lifetime. and yes, it is comfy smushy bouncy padded niceness! also hyde of the naugha, which holds up to peanut butter and coffee better than white brocade with rose trophies.
    i LOVE 50's mod. if the fabric is not actually damaged have it steamcleaned. they really can take the whiz smell out for good these days. then marheide it-thats spray on stuff you can get at automotive shops for touching up car upholstery...wears like iron. it'll take about eight cans and a week to dry and offgas...
    the article is the one i wrote about ladies pocketbooks awhile back! same one, just edited a little bit. they even gave me illustrations!!! thank you for being happy for me!
    W2: welcome welcome! danish modern rock de house! better believe it! i already have several prized pieces i've lucked onto over the years and this furniture will slot right in like it was designed by Daansk!
    billy: come over and sit on my hyde de naugha, young Billiam! it is DEEVINE.
    violetmo: that's right. easy-care is the gift of the naughas.

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  6. Anonymous11:40 AM

    I, too, have recently begun to buy my first real, grown up, not from a frat house, yard sale, dead relative, craigslist, or garbage salvage furniture.

    Very satisfying, indeed. I keep walking into my living room and going, "I love this coffee table, it rocks," then walking out only to come back 5 minutes later and say the same thing about the couch and comfy chair. And the drapes! Oh...the drapes...

    Congratulations!

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  7. Anonymous12:53 PM

    The new stuff looks a bit Dr Strangelove meets Barbarella to me.

    Will you be planning nuclear armageddon whilst clad in a skintight jumpsuit (and big hair) at some point in the future?

    If so let me know. I can begin constructing my fallout shelter.

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  8. That's one hell of an upgrade. I'm not Zen enough for modernist furniture. It just wouldn't look right with all my crap spread all over the place.

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  9. I give it 6 weeks before there's a hole in it!

    Or a fag burn!

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  10. What a feeling!
    All of those annoying fixer-upper shows say that you need to spend most of your Living Room budget on a real sofa..everything else revolves around it...much like your life is about to do.

    Congrats..I think that's very cool.

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  11. Anonymous1:57 PM

    ooooooh, a couch that isn't stuffed with dried fratboy semen balls! niiiiice. *stares cross-eyed, drools*

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  12. andraste: thanks! all while the YB was filling out the paperwork i just bounced from cushion to cushion all over the display, giggling. they were glad when i left.
    garfy: you hold that thought. yeah. me in a leather jumpsuit petting an albino cheetah on a jewelled leash, eyelashes out to here, pointy Danger Bra on full alert...
    wait wait wait.
    mist1: you have to have zen crap, is the deal.
    pig and taz: PIG AND TAZ!!!!!!
    *leaping and clapping like a trained seal* ork! ork!
    homoE: doen't it remind you of that pioneer speakers' ad back in the 70's? *dons black shades and tie*
    cb: won't that statue look bitchin' with it????????XOO come over and sit on my naughas' hyde!

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  13. Anonymous4:39 PM

    How very Bauhaus. (in very tiny font: jealous as hell.)

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  14. Anonymous4:43 PM

    I could never pull that furniture off in my house. I have ...I'm not sure just what you'd call what I have.

    I know what I'd like to call it, but I'm too much of a lady.

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  15. Gorgeous sofa FN! I know how good it feels to finally buy something for the house that you've chosen because you like, rather than something that you had to buy because it was a choice between that and sitting on the floor for x years. May this purchase be the start of many more!

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  16. WOW - that's so exciting - are you grown up now then?

    -- goes away jealous as have never had new sofa and am same age as you!

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  17. Anonymous12:57 PM

    Oh, so awfully jealous. My couch has been ripped to shreds by a certain dog and is now covered sloppily by a slipcover. Don't believe what people tell you about slip covers - they suck just as bad as a disgusting couch. I refuse to sit on the thing anymore.

    JEALOUS!!! I want new furniture!!!

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  18. Anonymous1:43 PM

    Hmm . . . I had a three-piece suite not unlike yours! and I sold it!!

    Yeah, I went for chocolate brown leather.

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  19. dinamow: yeeeeeeeeeeeah!
    pam: hey, your place is nice, you always post interior shots and it's sunny and modern and i like your colors too. stark isn't for everyone.
    hendrix: aint it great? i feel like a grown up lady! i may start having tea and wearing hats!
    nah.
    ziggi: you have mayonnaise. really good mayonnaise.
    claire: you're right. we had throws. throws are not a solution either. gaah.
    frobi: yeah, but what kind of furniture did you replace it with?

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