Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Redd Foxx sez: 'You GOTTA Wash Yo Ass!" and here's why!

There's only one more episode after this, and this one's a funny one.
Suck it up.
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Driving professionally takes a certain toll on one's hine, and Mr. Meadows was kind of gimpy after twenty some-odd years behind the wheel of a milk truck. At his best he walked like a sailor in a full diaper. When he got up from a chair, though, it would take him a couple of minutes to straighten out while he hitched around the room, bent over at the waist, knocking over potted plants and endtables with his giant ass.
We were watching this show one evening when Kelvin laughed and said to his brother "Hey, aren't you glad you don't have to squeeze his butt anymore?"

WHAT?
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I thank God that this happened before I knew these people.

Seems ol' dad had been bothering a zit on his ass for awhile and made it nice and infected. The time he spent loading and unloading his truck each night further aggravated this condition, as did hustling back and forth making deliveries. The additional hours spent behind the wheel seated on vinyl might as well have been spent scooting his bare backside across a patch of shag carpeting for the effect it had on his carbuncle. It grew into a distinct, golfball-sized entity one could detect through the heavy twill of his white uniform pants.

Yes, well. The spreading pinkish stain was also a giveaway that all was not well in assville.

But he carried on, brave soldier. And sure enough, his Spartan regimen of shitty diet, hairy crack, poor hygeine and neglect paid off; the thing subsided and went away. See? Nothing to worry about.
And all was well.

Until he hopped up into the seat of his truck one night and a quart of green pus shot out of his asshole, down his leg and filled his shoe. He screamed, he jumped, his forehead hit the windshield and he passed out.
Dad had given himself an anal fistula.

(Now at this point in our story Mr. Meadows himself jumped in, all smiles, and helped tell the tale. By the end even Sunflower had joined the fun and was giving us unneccessarily detailed descriptions of the laundry involved.)

Dad woke up in the hospital on his stomach with a freshly shaved fundament.
The original carbuncle had moved into the meat of the muscle and migrated downward toward a vestigial gland, which it ruptured and emptied into. Because this gland had an open channel to the rectal passage, all the old pus, infected lymph and necrotic guck met up with some brand new bacterial buddies floating around in the fluid that was already there. The whole stew turned into a horrifically toxic ticking bomb. When he jumped up into the truck, it all burst out through the pore-sized exit of the gland, enlarging it to the size of a dime.
All this had happened right at the ingress to his egress.
Yes.
He'd literally been torn a new asshole.

Now that dime, and the tennis ball sized cavity behind it, were cleaned out and filled with cotton packing. They sent him home and told him he could remove it himself in a couple of days.
Oh by the way. Don't leave rejoicing just yet, Mr. Milkman. If you don't keep your ass clean, the thing will FILL BACK UP.

Skip ahead one week.
It filled back up.
With the packing in place.

The only course of action now was to nut up, remove the packing, express the gland and keep it filled with Neosporin.
Sunflower flat out refused. Of course.

So the task fell to Eldest Brother.

There were several YARDS of surgical gauze up there.
Luckily, once the part that had hardened into a solid, cork-sized plug of green matter had been worked out, the rest of it came slithering out pretty easily.

Don't imagine that this was accomplished without lots of commotion on the part of Satan's Milkman. Eldest finally had to tie him to the bed.
With belts.

So every night for a couple of months thereafter, it was Eldest Brothers' job to tie his father to the bed, pinch his asshole between his thumbs and express the gland into a washcloth until it was empty. No matter how many washcloths it took.
Then he had to poke a tube of goo up there and squeeze until the goop started to squit back out.
Then he'd fold a towel into a square and tuck it between his cheeks, and wrap that in place with an ace bandage.
All done!


I never took a shower in that house again.

22 comments:

  1. Mmm. I wonder why I'm craving saag paneer?

    Incidentally, I LOVED that Redd Foxx album as a kid. I listened to it incessantly while in elementary school. Explains a lot, no?

    I'm sad that the next installment is the last! Will we get prequels or sequels?

    Also, why maple syrup?

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  2. danator: there's more, but it's not as much fun. and re: maple syrup...im tagging these with things from creepy wierd movies. the syrup reference is from That Which May Not Be Named (conflagration in the lower atmosphere.)

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  3. I'll never eat saag paneer again. Jeesuz. Funny that this series comes during a week when I'm already feeling nauseous. You should offer this as a weight loss program.

    I can beat you Nator, my parents used to play Redd Foxx 8-tracks when I was a toddler, and laughed when I'd go around telling the jokes.

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  4. yeuch!

    YUK YUK YUK YUK YUK

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  5. FUCKING HELL FN, I thought the worst was over.

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  6. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN;
    I am preemptively enabling comment moderation to forestall a shitstorm of ignorant, off topic 'yeah well you're another!' type drivel that may soon be coming my way. i don't intend to provide this ass clown with another venue. yes, i'll fill you in, if anything good transpires. it has nothing to do ith the meadows' clan, unfortunately; i know. dream on.
    You are now free to move about the cabin!

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  7. Just what I needed! Nothing like envisioning zits on an ass to make dinner come right up! Yum!

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  8. La la la l al al la l a la - fingers in ears - still singing la la la la can't hear la la la YUCK! Goodness - I pop off for a bit and you are prolific! Will set aside the whole of tomorrow to catch up. Thanks for your concern Your Firstness - I am BACK - I just had a wobble - got a bit upset about something but I'm over it now xxxx

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  9. La la la l al al la l a la - fingers in ears - still singing la la la la can't hear la la la YUCK! Goodness - I pop off for a bit and you are prolific! Will set aside the whole of tomorrow to catch up. Thanks for your concern Your Firstness - I am BACK - I just had a wobble - got a bit upset about something but I'm over it now xxxx

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  10. Ooooooh gross , I was just chowing down to a nice bowl of green pea and ham soup when I started this post.
    I am now the same colour as the untouched lunch
    I feel sick

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  11. And I was worried about a silly liitle chainsaw...

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  12. *makes note not to read FN's blog ever again just before lunch*

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  13. Hey, you sneak, you don't have comments enabled on that last one! And in fact, I'm on my way to a show so I've only read up to the halfway part. I'm savoring this post. Heh.

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  14. No comments enabled, eh? Just who do you think you are, missy my? You're not so big that I can't bump you with my butt.

    Whew. I feel sort of... wrung out at the end. Great stuff, though.

    Why didn't you marry Eldest?

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  15. I am girding me loins , and leaving enough time for breakfast to settle before I read the next one......and theres no comment bit ????

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  16. hendrix6:33 AM

    Read this a couple of days ago but couldn't comment on account of suddenly feeling extremely sick.
    However such literary genius (however icky the subject may be) does deserve a comment. So I've written one.
    (I haven't read the post again though and I'm not going to...ever)

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  17. Well the remedial kid has finally found time to read all these posts. Very rewarding it was too.

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  18. *sigh* You've had such a glamorous life.

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  19. Sweet mother of god. That's GOT to qualify as child abuse, surely.

    I may never be able to eat again.

    Oh, who am I kidding. You got any more of that soup, Beast?

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  20. Oh my God, I thought having to clean out the dog bite on my cat's abdomen was bad. I had no idea. Why didn't they just have him put down?!

    On a different note.... I've had a zit on my butt for several weeks now, and I wasn't really worried before, but now, thanks to YOU.... Jesus, yet another medical condition to stress over!

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  21. I think I just threw up in my mouth.

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