Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Heap Big Crackin' Up!

OO, it finally happened! Someone came here and got their stereotypes all fucked with!
Remember the tit fucking post? About a week ago? it was on 5-7-07. Scroll down to it. Read the comments. Feel the disapproval!

I know I am supposed to be serious. Even noble. Stony faced, impassive, simple and direct.
I am not, not all the time.
Not even most of the time.
I know I have failed you, anonymous, and not only you but all Native Americans everywhere. I have not fulfilled your expectations.
I am sorry.
So very, very sorry.

I know I was supposed to pass my days crapping out kids in a government portable and drinking Buckhorn Beer until I shit myself and passed out with the stove on. Instead, I grew up in suburbia, worked a job, attended school, learned to drive a car, raised a family and avoided substance abuse issues and incarceration.
I admit that instead of walking stealthily through the forest primeval, making fire with two sticks and chewing hides I received a college education....while all I was ever expected to do was know where to sign my 'X' on the tribal benefits application and 'drunk and disorderly' citations.
I know I have a sense of humor. It is often inappropriate. It is often expressed in crude terms. I know I have written crudely and in a lighthearted manner about things that Native Americans should not know of and should never mention... like tit sex, fist fucking, homosexuality, twat depilitation, and Tim Footmans book on Radiohead.

Lets not forget the gravy recipe.


All I have to say for myself is that I genuinely hope with every fibre of my chubby red being that you were REALLY OFFENDED. I hope you finished your comment with a sharp little bang on the keyboard and moved right along to something with content more appropriate to a Native American blog...like Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, or claiming sovereign nationhood.
I am so very, very sorry.


  1. I'm all for tit fucking and Radiohead, regardless of your nationality.

    More please.

  2. Anonymous1:29 PM

    well i'm highly offended. but only because some dickwad decided to comment with derision instead of playing with the large stick shoved up his ass.

    i love ya first nations. keep up the good work. it always makes me smile.

  3. Aaaahahaha, love how anonymous shows the courage of its convictions by loudly declaring its name, there.

    Dude, your profile pic is a naked FN chick w/ eagle-feather headdress, humping a corndog. I mean, there were clues enough that you are not suitably reverent. And I LOVED the tit-fucking post: I may have been flat-chestedly spiteful before I read that, but that post made me realize I have a lot of blessings to count.

  4. Damned natives! We try to teach them to better themselves and they still can't make decent gravy!

  5. "content more appropriate to a Native American blog...like Fetal Alcohol Syndrome"

    ouch. jesus you're scathing. that was a good 'un.

  6. Wow. 'Anonymous' is a Native American name?

    Blimey, in that case there are HEAPS of Native Americans commenting on blogs...

  7. Anonymous3:22 PM

    You will always be my First Nation Ms FN! I am - by the way - obsessed with your breasts. Damn all that other stuff...

  8. Anonymous3:23 PM

    I think you should try to be a bit more impassive


  9. Oooh, you got a Nasty Anonymous. That means you've 'arrived'. How posh!

  10. People called anonymous never say anything nice, is it genetic?

  11. They were probably drunk when they wrote it. Ooops! Is that a stereotype?
    Part of the reason I blog is to try and offend someone, somehwere. Mostly I fail and just end up amusing myself and a small select group of people who get it, such as your good self.
    That anonymous fucker gets right on my tits. He/she doesn't even have a profile...

  12. billy: and really, who isnt? smooches lovey!

    pink: me thankum you. now pass the goddamn Cristal.

    alala: i seek only to inform. if someone smiles along the way, so much the better. spread a little sunshine, that's my motherfuckin' motto.

    dinahmow: the shame of it! the jesuit fathers didn't beat me enough, I just know it!

    chaucers: and hey, i toned this WAY down before i hit 'publish'. it comes as quite a shock to find out that after all this time i'm not doing NA correctly.

    junglyjane: from the 'troll' tribe. economy sized jar of vaseline, empty, on a field of kleenex gules.

    muttley: oo! I am too! watch what I can do with these quarters! heads or tails? *attempts impassivity, fails*

    ara: omg! now i'm all flustered! do i have to make a speech or anything? what do i wear? can i keep the corndog?

    tick: yeah, i've noticed that. seems to be a symptom of undescended testicles.

  13. I'll personally come over there and slap anon with my tits.

  14. I didnt see anon comment before....well concider yourself told off.
    Its like one of those lectures I used to get as a kid.

    You let everybody down
    You let the whole Native American Nation Down
    Worst of all you let yourself down
    And you have spoiled everybodies day
    HA HA HA
    I particularly liked the nasty little dig at your readership
    ' I would say get a grip but...'

    Sadly who ever wrote that was right in my case , I sniggered as soon as I read the phrase....
    Have I just comitted a human right atrocity ?????

  15. Mutly's got a point -- can we see your norks?

  16. I think the most offensive thing I've ever seen on here was a picture of your old sofa . . .

  17. Why don't anonymous commenters form their own group blog, then they can whine at each other into infinity? That's what they seem to enjoy doing best, apart from having a sense of humour bypass.

    Anyway, you rock and wipe the floor with 'em FN.

  18. eddie: didn't mean to snub ya; you snookd in under the wire there. god yes. in meatspace i'll give way to people tender lil' sensibilities but goddammit NOT HERE.

    mj: them there 'when's happy hour' tits? halp!

    beast: see, here in the u.s. NA's are supposed to be native issue obsessed fat drunks with bad teeth, no education and no sense of humor. people like William Least Heat Moon, Sherman Alexie (go PNW!!) and Rep. Mankiller are a real disappointment to the side.

    cb: yes you may. *pulls t shirt over head* there. see?

    frobisher: SHHHHH! geeziz, ratso, don't remind them!

    betty: one of my very favorite things about the interwhatsis is how those brave, brave anonymous hit and run commenters have their shortcomings on full display, with a label even, hoist by their own petard, arr! XOO!

  19. oh lord the sofa

  20. boobs are offensive to those without!
    ...well, and boob-related activities. Like beer-can holding? Completely gauche and uncouth to those types of pancake-chests. And I would never mention the awesome abilities we have in terms of money-hiding. Like Peg Bundy to an extreme, World Bank level. AMAZINK!

  21. I'm too much of an arsehole to allow anonymous commenting. All that anonymoty is fine for priests/people confessing stuff but last time i checked, blogs weren't actually churches.

  22. Can it be? Has nobody said this yet? Wait for it, wait for it.... Anonymous is totally off the reservation.

    Anonymous must belong to the Menogetit Tribe.

    Oh yeah, I can keep em' coming all night, baby.

  23. Is it just me but surely the 5th July hasn't happened yet?

  24. Anonymous8:37 AM

    *laughs at fat sparrow's comments*

    oh, i agree. anon must be one of the less fortunate people who either A. don't have tits. B. don't ever get fucked. C. live in a glass house. D. has no sense of humor. or E. all of the above.

    i would tell anon to get stuffed, but that's most likely the problem to begin with. the lack of sex.

  25. Oh yes sirree I remember that disasterous post about making gravy - I never did get the pan clean or the stain off the kitchen ceiling! You should know better than to try and educate the ignorant, I'm tempted to sign this anon!

    (but I'm eternally grateful for the mayo kiss kiss)

  26. Heh. You rock on, FN. And I guess you can make fun of the FN folks, seeing as you are one. Having grown up in a black family, this sometimes drives me mad. I'm all set to make a black joke and then realize that I'm white. Dang!

    And for the record, I thought your tit fucking post was funny. It just grossed me out a little because I'm, you know, SO VERY GAY. Oh, and fat and mannish, just like all lesbians are. Hey, I can do it , too!

    Not that I haven't participated in tit fucking, myself. Just not from the receiving end.

    And a-waaaay we go...!

  27. No offense taken love. Keep on with yo bad self.

  28. I slagged off the pope and got a nasty person, well he was a Fenian so must have been nasty. I would never slag off them der dirty Injuns, oops thinking back on it I already have ah well its ma culture and thats one thing we stereotypes know a thing or two about, I'm off ta get drunk, sorry chief no firewater for you.

  29. all hail our first lady of the nations!
    long live the queen!
    (but please, don;t mention the gravy receep again!)

    thought about your gran in my last post

  30. hendrix5:35 AM

    I am so jealous. I've never had anonymous criticize stuff that I've wrote.

  31. This comment has been removed by the author.

  32. Well, you outraged them by daring to not drink the kool-aid, by actually being a rugged individualist as well as *shock! horror!* Enjoying sex of a uncommon stripe (or at least a stripe not many will admit to publicly). Native American or not-- society at large is freaked out by a person who is unconflicted and direct, and that is THEIR failing, not yours. You are a virago - not the current usage definition, but the archaic: a woman of strength or spirit. If they can't handle it, they don't have to come here.

    Me? I think you are one of the coolest people I've ever read. Never change, you beautiful bitch!

  33. Anonymous6:41 AM

    fn - have a great weekend, and on the off-chance i happen to be in jail for the rest of my life come tuesday, it's still a beyootful blog.

  34. I think anon' has a good point. Maybe we should replace tit wanks with smearing demonic eggnog over our norks.

    Perhaps I'm just playing Devils Advocat.