Friday, June 01, 2007

RERUN! RUNRE! RERUNUM! REDRUM!

I am re-running this because I feel like it. I'm TOTALLY OUTTA CONTROL, PEOPLE!!!!
_________________________
she writes:

I went looking for pictures of women named Mary, as I've said. And you've seen what happened when my brain got all in a bunch and I typed in 'hairy' instead of 'Mary'.
But damn; it was such a great idea that I really put some effort into recapturing it; and so the search was once again on.

There are some really nasty women named Mary out there, ladies and gentlemen.

Returning to the search for Marys-sounds like an evening on Castro Street, doesn't it?-I continued to come up no tits on the images I wanted no matter what search engines I tried. But what I did come up with, in spades?
The Story Of Judith and Holofernes.

Now to my recollection there is nobody named Mary in the story of Judith and Holofernes. Judith and Holofernes is the story of how one of the few women in the entire Bible who wasn't a complete throw pillow defeated an enemy of her people; she went to his tent, got him completely passed out drunk and then took his sword, hacked his head off and brought it back to show the folks at home. Anyway, since I was having absolutely no luck with the whole 'Mary' thing, I decided 'Well, when life hands you a severed head, make lemonade.'

But before I get started on that, just to let the gentlemen know that I love them all (call me) heres a good solid shot for your team:
'Ha ha!!! Take that, Julia Louise Dreyfuss! Seinfeld sucked!!! Haahahahahahaha!!!!"
Ok. Pictures of the Judith and Holefernes story tend to fall into categories-comtemplation of the deed, the act itself, and the aftermath. Within these categories are some distinct subsets: eww, bigass head, and nice fish.
CONTEMPLATION OF THE DEED:
" Damn. Half a bottle and you're passed out like a little bitch? Man, my uncle Methuselah is 310 and he blows through the vino like it's Koolaid."







Judith: Dear God, I know this is going to be really disgusting and gross and sick, and I'm probably going to barf everywhere and probably cry and get hysterical, and totally just lose it and freak out, God, and maybe faint and..." Servant: Oh SUCK it UP already.



THE DIRTY DEED IS DONE:

...For all the distress it seems to be causing her, Judith may as well be slicing a hunk off a salami. Meanwhile, the servant holding the candle obviously does not like this man at all; while Judith saws away she's dripping hot wax on the guy.





Old Testament CSI. Notice the blood spray? You take a couple hacks at a guys jugular and you bet theres gonna be some damn blood. Judith is mildly distressed by this, but she has obviously given some throught to the act and is keeping her nice blouse clean. The servant is ready with a bag. Holofernes is reacting about how you'd expect a drunk to act while his head is being severed...'Wha' th'FUCK, man, I uaaaaaghlllak, gurglegurgleackgagsplut" My nomination for best picture of the bunch.







THE AFTERMATH
Subset: eew
Subset: bigass head

Judith: " Yeah, mess with the Jews NOW, Holofernes.
Thats RIGHT. You CAN'T. Know why? Because I cut off your huge stupid HEAD, you stupid bastard."
Servant: "EEEEEW! His hairs' dirty! "

Goya knew his women.


" Did I mess up my hair? Really. Look at my hair. Is it coming undone in back? Because it feels like its coming undone in back. Just take a look."
"Judith, your hair is fine. Honest to God. Theres like one little piece coming out but thats it. It looks good. Really. It's cute. It's like that 'Belle Sauvage' look."
" Oh God, I have eighties hair? Are you kidding? I have eighties hair now? Well thats just great."








"Oh just DO something with it."








" Hey. Come here. You wanna see something really sick?
It's a cut off head. Come check it out.
You want to touch it? You can if you want. It's still warm.
Lookit...I can make him talk. 'Would you like a sandwich Holofernes?'
Uh huh, Uh, huh...see, he's saying yes. Lookit his tongue. "




I found at least five pictures chronicling Holofernes' hydrocephalic melon but this one takes the cake.
This is one bigass head.
Poor Judith and her servant seem to be about the size of first graders. Holofernes legs are like fricken telephone poles with feet.








You cannot tell me that this painting is about anything else than sweater steaks. You see how they reflect the glow given off by Judith's elbow? These, the painter is saying, are the boobs of an angel.
Servant" Damn, Judith, that is one bigass head. Lookit this thing; its like a watermelon with a nose! "








See, this plumb eludes me. My search returned 45 pages and here this was on page 24.




Aftermath subset: nice fish
bait: silver daredevil on 20lb. test

"My God," thought Judith's servant "I've known her since she was a little child...but I never really knew her at all until now."

One of the very few Judiths who manage to look the least bit Middle Eastern. She has a great attitude.
"Hell yes it's a head. I cut it off, too. Damn right."




So, I was walking down the road, right, and I see this chick with something over her shoulder? So I want to be friendly, and I said 'Would you like some help with that?' But then I saw that it's a sword, right? Anyway, so she looks at me and, you know, she seems nice, and that's when I look down and see this, like, I thought she was carrying one of those'Sixties-type purses? Except its not, man. It was a head.
A real one.
A real tiny one.
It was a fuckin' HOBBIT HEAD.
Dude, I booked.





See, this is just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
First we have this gross, gross woman who's grossness defeats all attempts at description, who TOOK OFF HER SHOE to oog her TOES around on the face of this decapitated head
Next we have Queen Elizabeths Hat woman displaying her prizewinning entry...taken on natural bait using a split cane pole and silk line.
Fianlly we have Julia Child and her blue ribbon entree', taken with a #6 brass spoon on a treble hook.

"I don't want to carry the head anymore. You carry the head. Come on. Please?"
"Hey, I'm not the servant here; you are. You carry the head."
"But the head stinks."
"So? It's a warm day. It's not a basket of roses, it's a head."
"But it's heavy. And it's leaking down my back."
" Oh right, and now I'm going to carry it after you just said that?"
" Oh come on. carry the head, please?"



"All right, yes, we said bring the thing back but I thought you'd have enough sense not to go waving it in peoples faces like a Hermes bag. Now look at poor Rabbi Jackman; he's passed out. For the love of Mike, Judith, you know the man has a heart condition."


"I got a head! A dead ol head! A head on a Stick! A pointy ol stick! I can make this head twiiiiirl like a propeller! Whee!
Hey Mr. Head, lets go look over this hedge! What do you see? oh, I see a girl sitting on a bench! Oh wow, Mr. Head!
Lets look through this second story window! What do you see? oh, I see a lady screaming! Oh wow, Mr. Head!
I can wave! this! head! Back! and! forth! Like! a! flag! Back! and! forth! Like! a! f...whoopsie...."


18 comments:

  1. FN, I totally enjoyed your post. Especially the picture of Holofernes' gorgeous legs.

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  2. "Oh just DO something with it."

    *laughs*

    I'll be carrying those words and that pic in my head for the rest of the day.

    Excellent post.

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  3. Now, why couldn't I have set next to you in Art History class? Of course, if I had, no one would have been able to hear the professor due to me snorting my head off while the rest of the class stared, and you of course would be sitting there and looking all innocent like you weren't encouraging me every time the prof turned back to the projector, whilst I was sounding like a pig having an epileptic fit.

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  4. Some of those painters seem to have confused Holofernes with Goliath, no?
    And FN is short for "FuNny"

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  5. Good grief , what a whopper , I have just waved off Ma and Pa Beasty and I am absolutley knackered after two days of Beastly fun , frollicks , eating , shopping, gardening, the search for the perfect loaf tin , an unpleasant incident with a thai fish cake , hot chain saw action and a little light hoovering.
    Therefore I shall read this epic in the morning.
    Good night and sleep thee well sweet maiden :-)

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  6. "have eighties hair now? Well thats just great." Heee!

    I don't care if you post it a third time, possibly right after this one. That was great!

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  7. Just as hysterical second time around.

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  8. what kind of a name is Holofernes anyway?

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  9. Kristy10:49 AM

    I have a neighbor named Judith. I will never look at her the same way again.

    Nor have I ever had so much fun in the contemplation of decapitation. Thanks!

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  10. lovely, fn. now, i have all these ideas in my head as i'm headed on an adventure to redneck country usa. i wonder if i could take judith's idea and run with it...

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  11. Woooo Hooo Judith is a mean bitch.
    Some of those painters weren't to good with the old perspective thing were they , unles holeferne had an inflatable head

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  12. Okay that was maybe too much sunshine for me - I laughed so hard, I think I ruptured something.

    You have a monumental gift for dialogue.

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  13. Want more Renaissance art? go to www.rmichelson.com/Leonard_Baskin/galleries
    He even has another of Judith and that head!

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  14. Glad to see this post. Brilliant!

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  15. funny & disturbing

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  16. HA! I haven't enjoyed that much head since junior high!

    I kept hearing Cary Grant sayin' Jooday Jooday Jooday!

    Fantastic tribute to St. Loreena of Bobbit!

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  17. Wonderful stuff- this Judith post bears regular repeating.

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  18. oh i haven't been round these parts in a couple of weeks. i just love your art commentary posts. hee! and i feel extra special cause i got to see the Caravaggio up close and personal like in Rome a couple years back. i thought it was creepy then. now? "Wha' th'FUCK, man, I uaaaaaghlllak, gurglegurgleackgagsplut" is all i will think.

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