Monday, May 07, 2007

Oh fine. NSFW. There. I hope you're happy now.

Right around this time of year, my thoughts inevitably turn to improper methods of tit fucking.
Don't you find that to be the case?
You pathetic flat-chested persons, just go stand by the walls and whisper spitefully amongst yourselves 'K?

If a person is gifted mammarially there comes a time when the subject of tit fucking is just going to become an issue...usually right around the same time that a male someone is getting a blow job. God only knows what possesses some men at a time like this, but it's happened more than once that I've had someone suddenly dive for my cleavage like RoseAnne Barr heading out after a runaway hot dog cart. One minute you're wondering if you have a split of 7-up near to hand and the next thing the guy's bouncing his ass down your torso. Which can kick up quite a breeze, fellas. It ain't rose scented either.

Now if they're on the young and overeager side they won't be thinking about much more than 'must....blow....load' so more than likely Buckwheat won't give you much of a chance to comment while he gets himself situated. In my experience this maneuver is usually performed with the ninjalike grace of a drowning Labrador Retriever...their elbows in your hair, their knees pinching your rib-fat, their swollen meat thumping it's way down your sternum gadoinga gadoinga gadoinga, like like a bald quadraplegic chasing a contact lens...

Ay Caramba! IS SO SEXY!

While you frame just how to say 'Would you get the fuck off my hair you retard' in a loving way they grab a tit in each fist and splat them together like a pair of unwanted twins.
THEN they start ramming away at the cleft between them.

Guys, stop and think a second. It takes every single one of you at least three years from your first piece of ass until you finally figure out where the right hole is anyway, and that's the one that produces it's own lubrication. If you've learned anything at all in that time it should have been that you cannot force your way through. 'Steel rod' is just an expression.
Anyway it's more like a big purpley-pink asparagus. But a friendly one.

It might help to think of it as making a tasty sandwich.
RIGHT: Bread, Meat, Bread.
WRONG: Bread, Bread, MeatMeatMeatMeatMeatMeatMeat.

Simple biology:

BOOBS ARE ATTACHED TO A SURFACE.
A HUMAN SURFACE.
A human surface that by this point is experiencing a not insubstantial amount of pain due to being partially scalped while having each breast forced together into one central megaboob while you launch yourself at it dick first like a monkey humping a football. Let me add that at this point you do not look particularly alluring. The view from below consists of a scarlet sweaty person straining like they're trying to pass a piano.

Nobody is having fun here. You will not be remembered fondly. And as a woman, when you add all that to the *ahem* projected outcome (you see what i did there?? oh, my face is laugh! but yeah...all that and a pearl necklace too! yay!) the inevitable conclusion one comes to is "You, sir, will not be added to my speed dial"

1. LUBE. IT'S A GOOD THING.

This is regular skin. It's absorbent. Sweat does not last. Spit does not last. Old spoo transferred from elsewhere does not last. Which practice ranks right up there on the erotic scale with picking your nose and eating it, btw. Not even plain water lasts. Booze burns, pop gets sticky. Face the goddamn facts... You need some slippy slidey stuff.

2. BOOBS ARE MADE OF HUMAN.

If you ever want to play with them again, treat them nice.


3. YOU ARE BEING OBSERVED

The frantic crap does not play. Nothing-and I mean nothing at all-makes you look more lame than that frantic scrabbly boner chihuahua bullshit. Get a goddamn grip...or a grip's all you'll be getting in the near future.

Ask.
Be considerate.
Act normal.

Remember: those tits are awfully close to those teeth, senor.

28 comments:

  1. first nations - you kill me with this phrase - frantic scrabbly boner chihuahua bullshit. right on my sista! tell em like it is!

    *continues to laugh*

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  2. for.
    fuck's.
    sake.
    mother.

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  3. Could we get a volunteer from the audience to act this out with hand puppets?

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  4. I may lose some of your approval, having chosen this particular post to comment on, when I have not treated you to my wisdom here for some time. On behalf of your male readership may I thank you for so many splendid ideas in such a short space of time.

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  5. HA HA HA
    and you managed to upset the stainless steel amazon.....he he he.
    The beast of course is a perfect gentleman in the bedroom , it is afterall a team activity.

    ***** draws MJ a diagram*****

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  6. this reminds me, have you been looking at the queen's hats? I thought they might give you some idea for The Wedding!

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  7. Donny Osmund is good at this.

    He calls it 'Puppy Love'.

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  8. And I'm so glad we've got away from garden turf and are safely back on home turf.

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  9. Oh my God, yes I did laugh.

    It's much easier with uncircumcized penises, as they come (ha!) with their own lube and sheath.... Yet another advantage to owning an import.

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  10. gadoinga is my new favourite word.
    love ssa's comment..tee hee
    we call 'em diddy rides back home
    ;0p

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  11. Thanks for shining a light on the sad, twilight world of the hetrosexual.

    How many dates does it take before the guy suggests anal?

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  12. You crack me up.

    Thankfully, it has been years since having the tittie fucking. Neither the boyfriend or I really enjoy them.

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  13. is this some special spring-time activity?

    I didn't think it was seasonal. but i've been wrong before.

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  14. Also, where am I supposed to rest my book while all that's going on? Has he thought about that? He has not.

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  15. This is highly useful information Ms FN - I hope you will excuse me as I am making notes as I do not know if your blog will be removed as unsuitable material.

    I have recently been involved in both group sex and writing pornography for horses -thankfully I did not make any of the elementary errors you describe so balefully here.

    I would have thought it would have taken a particularly stupid man to forget your presence Ms FN -you do not strike me as the retiring type...

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  16. I've always been willing, but it's kinda like communal showering...it seems like a good idea until you try it.

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  17. LaLaLaLaLAAAA... I'm. Not. LISTENING.

    Except for what arabella said. That was funny.

    P.S.: Thank you. I didn't think it was possible, but you have somehow just made me MORE GAY.

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  18. I suppose this means you're going to be critical of navel-nookie as well?

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  19. It's also referred to as a soapytitwank too. I have a friend called Sophie and we call her that affectionately now and again x

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  20. I pity those men that are just shite in bed, I may have to write a book.

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  21. Except for my tits having no real mass, they've been subject to occasional boorishness, seen as grips. I can relate. Jaysus. Even in canada. onward ho.

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  22. Wise word, FN. Oh, hey! It IS Spring!

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  23. i am dissapointed that there were no visual accompaniments though....

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  24. Will this be a regular feature in your blog? Because there is some real good solid advice here.

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  25. Anonymous12:12 AM

    You have a serious problem. I assume you are the one attached to those 'titties". Are you incapable of saying 'No' to those boneheads (Literal description)?

    Posting such garbage on a First Nation blog is incredibly disrespectful to the First People. The belongs on some lowlife sex blog. I like sex, but this is not the right place for such drivel, even if it is funny in places.

    I would say "get a grip", but too many dimwits would refer back to your original blog and go for it.

    How sad.............

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  26. anon:


    ...i'm sorry; it was so much fun watching you twist in the wind that i forgot what i was going to say.

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  27. i was gone. i'm back now.

    given that my chest looks like 2 mosquito bites on a pancake, you can add this to the list of problems i will never have, along with what to do when liam neeson and alan rickman both ask me to be their escort to the oscar ceremony on the same night.

    ssa: count your blessings. none of us ever got practical sex advice like this from our moms.

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  28. Omg, I am still laughing. Dead on description, thank you!! I'm uh...blessed/cursed with decent mammaries and this always comes up.

    Bleh. Bruises aren't sexay!

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