Saturday, July 28, 2007

I am a fantastic grandmother.

My grandson, the Goonybird, and my girldog, Jett, are seated in the middle of the kitchen floor eating kibble off the carpet.
I's not one of the brands on the 'chinese melamine' list.
So it's ok.
Carry on.
Whats more fun than a three-year old running around the house wearing a large pillow and cargo shorts? Handing same a giant tub of Kool-Wip and a spoon for breakfast, and watching him pick cheese fragments off the coffee table and drop them in. It's like a garnish. It is.

The Goonybird has walked into the kitchen and asked for an ice cube, and I gave him one. He put it down the back of his underpants and walked away.
I swear to God I never dropped this child.

While we were outside picking blueberries I taught him how to hear the eagles calling down the valley. 'They're yelling and yelling!' he was delighted with this. 'Do they have breakfast?'
"I guess so. They have fish for breakfast' I replied.
He thought about it.
'No, they eat cowards,' he stated.

He removed his shorts and his underwear, and his sandals. The sandals have been replaced each on the wrong foot, and the underpants and shorts carefully turned around. 'Did you know those are going on backwards?" I asked him as he tugged them up over his butt.
Yes', he said. 'They're better this way."
He has taught the dog how to eat blueberries.
They are lying on the floor in the kitchen sideways eating blueberries.
off the carpet.
With their faces.
Lying sideways on the carpet eating blueberries, scooting themselves along after the rolly berries with their hind legs.


  1. Children should eat dirt. It boosts the immune system.

    I did and it didn't do me any harm.

  2. My brother used to eat Milk-Bone dog biscuits. He then tried to convince my parents that he did not need to brush his teeth, thanks to the Milk-Bones.

  3. I used to eat stuff from the guinea pigs food... I am still alive...

  4. small kids and animals - were that life remained so wonderful.

  5. I'm sure that the Health & Safety Nazis would have something to say about this

  6. Teach him how to get an extra day's wear out of his underwear by turning them inside out.

  7. Stop! I want grandchildren now, too. Can I have yours? You can even throw the dog in for good measure; I'm down one.

  8. Yeah, eating dirt is good for the immune system, apparently. I used to eat earth from the garden every so often until I was about six - it's fairly tasty, actually.

    Er, blueberries are a superfood y'know.

  9. Kristy10:33 AM

    They eat cowards. I love that. Do you remember the family motto from the first Addams Family movie? "We gladly feast on those who would subdue us." I think you guys need a family motto in a similar vein. Clearly this child has a lot of your own sensibilities.

  10. When I was three I was discovered eating Kool-whip from a container in the fridge with a tablespoon. I was told I couldn't and burst into tears, howling, "WHY???"

    How could it be that anything so good could be so wrong? It marked my first break with the Catholic version with God.

    Thanks for the joke, FN -- I want MORE.

  11. I've not eaten dirt much, but I did used to eat grass. Well, I figured my appendix ought to have to do something.

    Oh and I once ate something that fell on the floor and HAD BEEN THERE FOR MORE THAN THREE SECONDS and survived.

  12. I'll be honest, I'll be a Grand dad in a few weeks and I'm not going to be in a hurry to baby sit.

  13. What a cool kid!!!

  14. You are the bestest grandma in the universe!!

    (and no to your previous question, there was NO mullet given)

  15. I hope you've backed-up this entire blog onto discs.It's the Goonybird's inheritance.

  16. garfy: my grandmother was a firm believer in that. i never ate dirt but i made Bill Beiser eat dirt. I also locked him in the chicken house. this was last week. (no, i was four. - or WAS i?)

    fatty: see, smartness runs in the family. and i bet he has 75% less plaque than dogs who don't get Milk Bone treats.

    muttley: but you feel strangely compelled to hang around pharmaceutical laboratories now don't you.

    ziggi: go put an ice cube down the back of your underpants and see if that theory hold up! I'll wait.

    frobisher: hey, I vaccuumed. a couple of days ago.

    mj: even better, none at all! he's already tried the red hot chili peppers thing and ran around wearing a little sock on his wobbly parts! *snif* i was so proud!

    andrea: hey, you're creative. go make your own! my goonybird! mine!
    I'm down a dog too. :(

    betty: once they've been in the dog's mouth blueberries lose that 'superfood' status, i think.

    kristy: my personal motto is 'only suckers pay retail'. and our family totem animal is the warthog (phacochoerus aethiopicus)

    mutha: I used to bust the Stainless Steel Amazon chugging hershey's chocolate syrup out of the squeezie constantly. and after her father busted her HE STARTED DOING IT TOO.

    billy: MORE THAN THREE SECONDS????filth! ew! germs! dirt! ew! gross! ak! animal!

    1. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!
    2. oh, son, you say that NOW...

    gale; we like him! :)

    pamela: right up until YOU start having them, mom! (you are in girl mullet denial. repressing a thing like that will only cause problems later on, you know.)

  17. dinahmow: you snooked in under the wire there! i dunno if this would maybe scar him later or something, though...although he already has more than a clue that grandma is flying the ol' freak flag...

  18. hendrix3:35 AM

    You are a fantastic grandmother and the gooneybird sounds like he is having the sort of idyllic childhood he'll remember with joy for the rest of his life!

  19. FN , I am sorry to say you just pretty much described my weekend . Proving once and for all the goonybird(being a boy) is probably at his pinnacle of developement........

  20. Love the goonybird. And your dog.

    Although, I just did not know that eagles ate cowards for breakfast. Seems more 'merican that way, doesn't it?

  21. Dried cheeze crumbs in coolwip is fantastic, but i still prefer dessicated earthworms, myself. they're a bit crispier. a bit like puting crinkly fried onions on green bean casserole. you know the ones.

  22. I love that image of the two blueberrians lounging on the carpet.
    Hopefully Jett will teach the G-bird to scootch across the rug and make it look like you mean it!

    I always noshed on Milkbones too..they were great. Kool-Wip is one of the mandatory food groups in Canadistan..that's why we are all so mellow.

  23. Eagles "eat cowards"? Is the Gooneybird actually Stephen Colbert?

    And what, no pictures of ill-dressed children and corrugated canines snarfing berries from the floor? For shame.

  24. hendrix: i love that kid like god loves the righteous. he is perfect.

    beast: then you had an idyllic weekend of eating off the carpet, tended to by a doting female with spectacular breasteses. well done!

    christine: he's like walking art, some of the things he says coming out of his new three-year-old perceptions. it knocks me out!

    cb: then you would love my driveway. every rain the wigglyworms all come out to play on it in the puddles and then get all crispy fried when the sun comes out. shall i start saving them for you? XOO

    homoE: you know, i liked milkbones too? and Walter Kendall Fives dog treats; remember those? the green ones sucked but the other colors were pretty tasty. and i don't have dog breath to this day!

    danator: you is BACK!!! *hopping from foot to foot grinning and flapping like a tard* none of my goddamn peripherals are speaking to my mainframe any more. it is SO TIME for a new one.

  25. You are the grandest of mas! And blueberries - maybe I should try that trick to get my kids to eat them.

    I am just cracking up at those cute little vignettes - ice cube down the pants and putting the pants on backwards - the boy knows what he likes.

    I do recall spooning dirt into my mouth as a child, thinking that it looked so chocolate like. Blah!

  26. omg, I'm sick and my ribs are too sore to laugh this hard. Gooneybird is lucky to have you for a gran!