Wednesday, August 29, 2007

the worlds cutest ugly american!

The Stainless Steel Amazon and I went up to Canada a couple of days ago for a girls day out-birthday lunch (The Amazon's).
I have always liked Canada. I have always liked BC. But mother of all that's holy whats the fucking deal with the damn freeways??

The existing highway infrastructure in BC was designed by the Amish, I swear to God. You cannot build a freeway serving one of the major cities in the world by simply paving over the track where the cattle go down to the creek. Furthermore a major highway system should be built out of material somewhat sturdier than the aquarium gravel being used presently. I know whereof I speak, too; I grew up in Oregon pre-sales tax. Our roads were a mess. But they had the distinct advantage of being designed by people at least dimly aware that there would be, you know, big trucks and lots of cars traveling over them.

It isn't just the TransCanada, either...every surface road in the damn province is a mess. No matter if it's just gone down in a brand-new development; in less than one years' time it will look like Sherman tanks have been using it. BC, you need to take a long, hard look at what's really going on in your highway department or the ministry of silly roads or whatever the hell you call it. The administrator with all the offshore accounts and the brand new LandRover XL? You kill.

And now, the drivers.
No, now, really. My complaint with Canadian drivers up to this point was that they came down to the US and got all nervous and did stupid shit like stopping dead in the middle of the road to check their maps. Yes, really. I know this is a different country and all but the rules of the road are exactly the same. Still, you can understand people getting nervous, right?

I have had to revise this opinion. After this last trip up I have had to admit that the stereotype is true: these people are all drunk. Every single one of them. Drunk, wearing dark glasses, reading a book and getting a hand job. As soon as they get behind the wheel, man they're like 'Here, hold my martini. OO, use that burney lube; I'm likin' that shit, eh?'

The entire trip up and back was one long near-accident! Huge goddamn semi trucks switching lanes at random! Signals? Please! We laugh! Ha! Signals are for the weak! Cars passing you DRIVING ON THE SHOULDER, no, really. Two wheels in the grass, folks, doing 70 fricken' mph! (8522K) Passenger vehicles swapping in and out of the same lane of traffic three times in rapid-fire succession! Just for...what, something to break up the monotony? At 90 mph?? (3421 K) Drivers suddenly slowing down in the fast lane apropos of nothing! Lane drift..? Oh my God the lane drift. Do you all have Parkinsons? Have you ever been curious about why there's a line down the middle of the road? A huge lineup of cars CAUSED BY A DEER GRAZING OFF TO ONE SIDE OF THE FREEWAY!!! A DEER! BAMBI WAS EATING LUNCH ON THE SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY! OH MY GOD HONEY LOOK ITS A DEER! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PEOPLE, PLEASE!!!

The on-and-off ramps are a joke. Simply a joke. These were designed by a depressed child with a Spirograph. And everyone thinks that if they shut their eyes and floor the gas somehow a space will magically open up for them in traffic. When it doesn't they a. go up in a huge cheese-scented ball of flame and Pakistanis, or b. slam on the brakes and pile up two and three cars in a bunch at the end of the ramp and honk and gun their engines. This is for real. I have never seen anything like this shit.

Now, were it Christmas shopping season? Or Monday 5pm rush? I could almost understand it.

It wasn't.

THIS ALL TOOK PLACE AT 2PM ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON.


Now it doesn't help matters that whoever designed this freeway system anticipated a future population of maybe twenty thousand souls whose prinicipal means of transportation was the oxcart. 'Laughably inadequate' is an accurate description here. And if I had to drive that shit every day I'd get a little frustrated after awhile, I know. The highway is simply not designed to handle the amount of traffic it gets. But you'd think with the enormous whack of cash the provincial government takes out of everyones' pocket they'd do something about this, right? I mean, it has to be affecting trade? Not to mention health and safety...? But all that money seems to do is to pay for a couple of crews of mouth-breathers to go around and scatter orange barriers at random. Maybe close off a couple of lanes of traffic. Then they disappear, and once they've disappeared NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

Now weirdly, this is all (not) happening west of Abbotsford. Immediately east of Abbotsford the TransCanada highway becomes a wonderful, smooth multiple-lane freeway capable of supporting, you know, actual freeway traffic? You know, with like, bigs trucks and shit?

THE PROBLEM IS, IT DOESN'T GO ANYWHERE.

It goes to, what; Chilliwack? Does it go to Harrison Hot Springs? It does not. Does it go to the Cultus Lake Waterpark? It does not. It goes to Chiliwack.

NOBODY WANTS TO GO TO FUCKING CHILLIWACK.

27 comments:

  1. Hey! Lets all sing the Canadian national anthem, ok?

    key of 'brown'

    "Oh, Opies butt
    To him it's like an ass
    It's kinda weird
    It has it's own address

    Seven clowns fit up there
    He eats a lot of cooooooooooorn...
    We join in raising a big 'woo woo'
    To Opie's scary butt

    Oh bagel of our fathers,
    Hine with freedoms' mien..
    To Opie we give our feee-alll-teeee
    Oh-oh-Opie you da man!"

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  2. This is what happens when a Country the size of Venus only has 30 million people to tax.

    Instead of having all of us living in one decent sized area, we have settled, via osmosis, to ration ourselves to 1 person for every 8 million square miles.

    This diaspora was initially legislated thanks to an edict from Queen Victoria, who reigned from 1658 until her death in 1903. Victoria mourned the loss of her dear Albert, and coped by consuming mass quantities of Morphine laced Earl Grey. Albert, for whom Alberta was named, died from complications arising from an unfortunate incident involving skinny dipping with Mary Pickford in a creek contaminated with Beaver Fever.

    Unfortunately our Minister of Highways is holding out for the advent of Transporters like the ones that you see on Star Trek. Until then we are trapped into laying asphalt, which we pronounce ashvault, over existing wolverine paths.

    On behalf of Canuckistan I would like to apologise for this irritating inconvenience to all of our future overlords in the US of A. When you finally overtake us to access our maple syrup, beaver pelts, cod liver oil, the other oil, and fresh water, please feel free to fix our highways. That will make it easier for us to all migrate South in search of a more hospitable climate.
    SUCKERS!

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  3. Maybe it's their way of trying to keep us Americans out?! Nicest people on the continent my ass.

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  4. homoE: hey, as far as i know this is just a BC province thing. but you have to drive it to believe it, really!

    hoosier: you know, I've never had a bad experience with Canadians ever. not even when i was in a traffic accident up there a couple of years ago...if i have to have another one i'll choose Canada again. it was almost a pleasure. EVERYONE was great. They genuinely are nice people and their country is awesome. but godDAMN, the roads! the drivers! maybe it's just BC?

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  5. i assumed the roads were shit because of the whole freeze/thaw thing. (we've got that going on in Michigan hardcore.) but if there are good roads elsewhere in canadia it proves that it's possible, so there goes that theory.

    now i've got a cravin for maple syrup.

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  6. I thought Canadians were Americans I mean they live in North America.




    A comment to repay clueless Yanks who call me Irish.

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  7. Aww, Chilliwack's nice. Er. Okay, well, but it's fun to say, and people probably go there just so they can drop it into conversations: "When I was in Chilliwack..."

    And they can pick up some supplies for the trip to Humptulips.

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  8. Damn! here was I thinking I'd share the driving when we go to BC.Now, I'll probably scrunch down with my eyes shut.Like the drivers?
    Actually, you could have been talking about Auckland!

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  9. See, and I thought Chilliwack was a band, or somethin'. Shows what I know.

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  10. Sometimes I think I am on the road to nowhere...then I remember, every road in Mississippi is a road to nowhere.

    It comforts me.

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  11. You want bad roads and bad drivers on 'em? Come to Thailand, home of the family-of-five-on-a-single-moped.

    Yesterday at rush hour, I saw a pickup doing 70 on the freeway with eight people standing up in the back. A couple of them were wearing smog masks. Obviously concerned about their health, you know.

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  12. Ha HE, blame it on a poor defenseless and dead queen, you've only had 104 years to improve things since then. We even manage made up roads over here and she's been dead just as long on this side of the pond.

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  13. I want to go to Chilliwack now that you have made an issue out of it , especially since it hasgood highway access , sounds like heaven onearth.
    I think the canadian road problems are exported from the uk as part of the commonwealth package , along with our highway driving habits

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  14. I just remembered that Chilliwack IS a band. Can you compose a song about Opie's butt to the tune of "My Girl (Gone, Gone, Gone)"?

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  15. I like Canada, I've never been but I daydream about living there sometimes.

    I like the sound of Chilliwack - great name

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  16. I don't know much about Canada but I have a Canadian cousin (really) and he got married in a pale blue tuxedo. PALE BLUE!

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  17. What's wrong with the roads in BC?

    Two words: The Olympics.

    Everything is being ripped up and revamped for the fucking Olympics.

    We apologize.

    And if you attempt crossing the street here as a pedestrian, looking both ways is not sufficient. You must be wearing a suit of armor and have an excellent health insurance policy.

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  18. I am assuming that the Chilliwakians want to go to Chilliwak, or maybe they want that big road so they can leave quickly.

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  19. i'm taking a wild guess and assuming you really don't like the roads in bc do ya?

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  20. I want to go on a road trip with you or at the very least have you drive with me on my daily commute. What fun we could have naming all my fellow drivers. Come on you know it would something write home about.

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  21. Anonymous7:52 PM

    You're looking at it the wrong way... Ministry of Highways insist we need bike lanes, you know, to promote health. Of course, most of us prefer to get shitfaced and shoot squirrels, which probably explains the aggressive nature of our driving habits, because the 1% biker population on the road is wearing black tighties and bobbling bottles of Evian. Must...resist..temptation. Ministry allows only two lanes, three or more would simply confuse us. There's the slow lane and then there's the 'get the fuck out of my way' lane.
    But it's not the roads that are the problem here. It's the BRIDGES. The last bridge built had a frickin' STOP light at one end of it. How stupid is that? It has since been corrected, millions of dollars later, but then the road to Chilliwack remains untouched. We don't have enough worker bees. We have many multi-languaged folks immigrating here yet our workforce is caught between ESL classes, learning how to beat the system, or cranberry picking.
    You are correct in your observations. Our highways, especially here in B.C. suck big time...and no one is accountable. So I suppose, we drive the streets like we don't give a shit....either.

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  22. I might want to go to Chiliwack or however it's spelled. What's it like?

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  23. Chilliwack is part of the BC Bible Belt.

    But there's corn. Lots of corn.

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  24. Aha , so thats why Chilliwack has a good road......
    Its GODS highway

    **** choir of angels warbles****

    Whereas the rest of you heathen scum have potholes , like miniture pits of hell .
    It all makes sense now

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  25. mj meant porn, lots of porn.
    Most of our homegrown pot is nurtured in our Bible Belt too.

    and btw ziggi I also blame Victoria for things like manners before morals, that disastrous NEW Coke campaign a few years back, and chronic spinsterism which I understand is quite contagious.

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  26. cb: nope; i live in the same climate zone and our highways are-if not great, than less sucky. see, now I'm craving a mountie.

    knudie: nope. mare canz say 'huh'. nayjins say 'eh'. that's how you tell. oh, and both of them hate kuh beckers.

    alala: and then buy a nice house in Pe El, or maybe Walla Walla, and settle down.

    dinahmow: we'll take a charter bus and let someone else mow down pedestrians.

    danator: i think they are. wack something. wackwackwackwack. they sing songs about waterfowl.

    awaiting: no, that's oregon. every road in mississippi leads to oregon. see how that works?

    tim: that's outstanding!

    ziggi: it's either her or the french. personally i blame the french.

    beast: i've been to chiliwack a couple of times. there's a wrecking yard there. remember, the one with the human scalp hanging from the windsheild by the hair? that was in chiliwack. yup.

    danator: i can compose a song about opies butt to the tune of ANYTHING.
    but i'm grateful to the canadian people for memorializing my 'Tater in this touching manner. yay Canada!

    frobi: its GORGEOUS there. like rural Washington state, but with cultural diversity and decent health care.

    ara: well there ya go. i bet they moved to chiliwack, too.

    mj: oh who fucking cares. you think you're SO BIG now that you have your own hate site. neenerneener lalala, i cant' hear you, lalala, woooooooow, woooooo....

    joe: i think after chiliwack its just.....wheat.....nothing but wheat...until you get to newfoundland, and then you have herring and bigass hairy dogs.

    pink: did i give you that impression? i'm sorry. i meant to say that canadian roads SUCK SATANS BIG GREEN HEMERRHOIDS. actually.

    gale: i find that 'motherfucker' and 'stupid whore' cover a lot of drivers, actually.

    anon: are you Elle? Elle, i still cannot comment on your blog! i hit 'post' and i get a blank screen! i read your blog! you wear a blindfold and hop around on one leg! and, and
    oh crap. if this isn't elle, welcome, and next time comment using the name 'Stinky Poopoo Toilet'. just to keep things straight.

    foilwoman!: hey you broad you! chiliwack is like...a place...where corn grows. and they have a wrecking yard. so yeah, corn and wrecked cars, pretty much.

    mj: lalalalalalaaaa, still not listening, woo woo boo boo woooooooolalalalala....

    beast: it has a great highway because CANADA ENDS THERE. after chiliwack is this huge dropoff and then....wheat. wheat and Cthulhu.

    homoE: and huntingdon, and hope, and abbotsford, and surrey, and yarrow, and....

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  27. Anonymous1:38 AM

    Its because of all that cultural diversity that we've got going on. Unfortunately they dont know how to drive, yet they get jobs as cabbies and semi drivers the minute they set foot on Canadian soil. Then the 2nd minute they pick up their first cell phone (to be able to call a driving instructor when they dont know where to go, how to get there or what the hell to do. The cell is on their ear all day every day. Maybe you didnt get a chance to drive over Pattullo bridge (Surrey to New Westminster) Now theres an unbelievable experience. They dont call it killer bridge for nothin'. Its extremely narrow, built for 2 lane traffic way back when cars went 20 mph. Now its still the same size but 4 lanes and the big semi's are going 8895kms with every driver holding a cell to his ear. He uses at least a lane and 1/2 or 2. You should see what happens on the corners.O.M.G. To really get the full picture see the painted lines marking the lanes? Nobody else does either cuz they're not there! Yup, worn off and never repainted. I have to drive it twice every day! Every time somebodys killed theres a big caffuffle but no-one has ever noticed the fact that $5 U.S. worth of paint would at least help them stay in their frick'n lane and $20.U.S. worth of speed limit signs might help too.
    I agree, the roads in WA state are great. Actually in Canada there is a better land and its Alberta, right next door. omg, wonderous roads!

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