Red Snake Final Hour of Plaid Payback!

What is that weird flavor in energy drinks? The really sickly sweet one, kind of bubblegum mixed with perm solution? It's HORRIBLE! And they all taste like that!

People kept telling me that Sobe Adrenaline Rush 'Juiced' was different. I tried it. AUGH! There was that flavor again, only this time it was joined by what tasted and smelled like the gross syrup off a can of peaches. Of course I was driving, and of course I cracked the can and took a big ol' glug of it. I almost had to pull over to the side of the road. For the rest of the day I could smell it...on my breath, on my hands, in my sweat and every time I took a whiz...which it tinted a scary neon tangerine color. I'll stick with coffee.

Sobe also scored another miss with their 'Lizard Blizzard'. It's thick, its white, and it's a liquid. Was it entirely necessary that the name rhyme with 'jizz'? Am I missing something? Am I not the target market? It's always the last soda in the case Tuesday night when they restock. Second to last is Orbitz. It's a measure of just how deeply revolting this whole concept is, even to stoned people, that they'd sooner buy clear shampoo looking crap with little blue and orange spheres floating around in it like a lava lamp than a nice cold bottle of Lizard jizz.

Of course every time I like a new beverage that comes out they discontinue it. It is obvious to me that this is a conspiracy. I loved 'Jolt' Cola. LOVED the stuff. Discontinued here. You have to drive all the way to Blaine to get a Jolt Cola now and that defeats the purpose if you ask me. V8 with lemon? Drank it by the quart. Gone. Shasta Red Apple soda was excellent stuff! Came out about 1970; tasted exactly like a Red Delicious apple. Of course it's gone. Stewarts Strawberry cream soda? Tastes exactly like one of those yummy strawberry candies they use to stuff the corners of Hickory Farms holiday baskets. Discontinued locally. And remember Pepsi Free, the one that had the lemon flavoring in it? Came out about 1985? Gone. Lasted one year. You had to buy it out of one of those talking pop machines, which is probably why it got discontinued come to think of it because those things were freaky. 'HEY! Have a Pepsi!' it would shout, and my daughter would leap out of the shopping cart face first.

Grape and Strawberry Nehi? Gone. RC Cola-the BEST tasting cola ever made? Auf Wieder, Zane. And what about Dr. Browns? Betcha never heard of it, huh. (Shhh, G.)

Dr. Browns is the gold standard of pop. Dr. Browns is the Cadillac of pop. Not a bad flavor in the entire Dr. Browns lineup, and all of them made with juice-not chemicals. How good was Browns? They made celery pop and people drank it. Yup. Carbonated celery juice. One you got used to the idea (and you had to get used to the idea every time you took a sip) it was ok...kind of salady. Not my favorite. But drinkable.

Now. Do you think the Coca Cola Corporation has that kind of balls? Oh hell no. Only Bad Dr. Brown had the balls to make celery soda pop. He was like ' My pop-making fu is so badass I could make pop out of brown paper grocery bags and you'd like it. Yeah you would.'
I miss Dr. Brown.

Good thing there's beer.