Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Red Snake Final Hour of Plaid Payback!

What is that weird flavor in energy drinks? The really sickly sweet one, kind of bubblegum mixed with perm solution? It's HORRIBLE! And they all taste like that!

People kept telling me that Sobe Adrenaline Rush 'Juiced' was different. I tried it. AUGH! There was that flavor again, only this time it was joined by what tasted and smelled like the gross syrup off a can of peaches. Of course I was driving, and of course I cracked the can and took a big ol' glug of it. I almost had to pull over to the side of the road. For the rest of the day I could smell it...on my breath, on my hands, in my sweat and every time I took a whiz...which it tinted a scary neon tangerine color. I'll stick with coffee.

Sobe also scored another miss with their 'Lizard Blizzard'. It's thick, its white, and it's a liquid. Was it entirely necessary that the name rhyme with 'jizz'? Am I missing something? Am I not the target market? It's always the last soda in the case Tuesday night when they restock. Second to last is Orbitz. It's a measure of just how deeply revolting this whole concept is, even to stoned people, that they'd sooner buy clear shampoo looking crap with little blue and orange spheres floating around in it like a lava lamp than a nice cold bottle of Lizard jizz.

Of course every time I like a new beverage that comes out they discontinue it. It is obvious to me that this is a conspiracy. I loved 'Jolt' Cola. LOVED the stuff. Discontinued here. You have to drive all the way to Blaine to get a Jolt Cola now and that defeats the purpose if you ask me. V8 with lemon? Drank it by the quart. Gone. Shasta Red Apple soda was excellent stuff! Came out about 1970; tasted exactly like a Red Delicious apple. Of course it's gone. Stewarts Strawberry cream soda? Tastes exactly like one of those yummy strawberry candies they use to stuff the corners of Hickory Farms holiday baskets. Discontinued locally. And remember Pepsi Free, the one that had the lemon flavoring in it? Came out about 1985? Gone. Lasted one year. You had to buy it out of one of those talking pop machines, which is probably why it got discontinued come to think of it because those things were freaky. 'HEY! Have a Pepsi!' it would shout, and my daughter would leap out of the shopping cart face first.

Grape and Strawberry Nehi? Gone. RC Cola-the BEST tasting cola ever made? Auf Wieder, Zane. And what about Dr. Browns? Betcha never heard of it, huh. (Shhh, G.)

Dr. Browns is the gold standard of pop. Dr. Browns is the Cadillac of pop. Not a bad flavor in the entire Dr. Browns lineup, and all of them made with juice-not chemicals. How good was Browns? They made celery pop and people drank it. Yup. Carbonated celery juice. One you got used to the idea (and you had to get used to the idea every time you took a sip) it was ok...kind of salady. Not my favorite. But drinkable.

Now. Do you think the Coca Cola Corporation has that kind of balls? Oh hell no. Only Bad Dr. Brown had the balls to make celery soda pop. He was like ' My pop-making fu is so badass I could make pop out of brown paper grocery bags and you'd like it. Yeah you would.'
I miss Dr. Brown.

Good thing there's beer.


  1. They still sell Orbitz??? Seriously? That stuff was disgusting. Of course, you had to try it once because it was just so... WEIRD. But ughh. Nasty.

    I miss Jolt, too. There used to be one bagel place around here that sold it, but i haven't been there in a bunch of years.. i wonder if it's still produced?

    I agree with you on the energy drinks. BLeh.

  2. IGAcorp serves most of the grocery stores way out here and they're kind of hind titty.I think this is where all the used food ends up. Up to a couple of years ago we still had AfriCola, even( blech!)//lissen, hows things going at the new position????

  3. I thought Orbitz was a travel/airfare site?

    Here's a few of the Coca-Cola owned/licensed brands: http://www.thecoca-colacompany.com/brands/brandlist.html

    Mind you, that's just the soda division, that doesn't include water, juices or energy drinks

    I'll just stick to good old fashioned Lake Michigan water straight from the tap...oh who'm I kidding, pour me a double scotch please.

  4. Mmmmm Dr. Brown's Cream Soda mmmmm. Damn fn, there's no reason for you to be without - email me your address. Or do you prefer their root beer?


  5. Verrrry strange - I was just asking my husband about this a couple of days ago. He always keeps bottles of energy stuff like that in the car and I was complaining about the weird flavour too.

    I think it's urine.

  6. Wow, they still sell Orbitz. Weird.

    Oh and Sobe? That stuff is crap. Try a Vitamin Water, or something. Much less "X-TREEEEEEMMMM!!!"

    My favourite discontinued drink was a holiday version of the Ocean Spray cranberry cocktail, with some kind of spices in it. I don't know what they put in that shit, but it was like crack. My old roommate and I would actually have expeditions to the local stores starting in October, to see if they had released it, yet, and then horde gallons of it to last after New Year's. Sadly, after maybe 3 or 4 years, it disappeared. Le sigh.

    One can still get Dr. Brown's here in NYC, on occasion. Once about every 5 years I get a hankering to try the Cel-Ray again, and like it for about 10 seconds before I wonder why the hell I bought celery soda. Their cream soda, though iconic, is not actually one of my favourites.

    Have you heard of Jones Soda? They're the ones that make all the weird holiday flavours, like turkey & gravy and antacid flavoured soda. Never tried those, myself, but they beat Cel-Ray for inventiveness.

  7. omg i'm in pain from laughing. by the time i got to the clery pop fu i couldn't keep my butt in my chair from laughing so hard. something about this just hit my funny bone.

    my favorite pop is Vernors Ginger Ale. Made in Michigan, only sold in the midwest. Damn I miss Vernors.

  8. I have Pimp Juice in my kitchen.

  9. hendrix3:32 AM

    I want to move to America! I want to move to America! You have all these weird and wonderful sounding drinks!
    I don't care if they taste bad - I like the names.

    Over here we have coke, and pepsi in all their permutations and then everything else is a variation on orange or lemon. We used to have Dandelion and Burdock which probably ranks with the celery drink you mentioned (I like celery juice so I'd like that) and of course we have Irn Bru which tastes of rusty nails and is the national hangover cure. Thats it...I feel deprived.

  10. This whole pop thing just passed me by , I have never drunk the stuff* , dont know why.The most disgusting one is Red Bull it smells like bubble gum mixed with vomit

    * except metaxa(greek brandy lovely caramel flavour and a kick like a mule) and coke.....yum

  11. Rocky loves the energy drinks. Of course it is usually with Royal Crown.

  12. Dandelion and burdock! Way better than Cel-Ray, IMHO.

  13. how lame am i? (yeah, yeah, i know...) anyway...energy drink = coffee

    i'm old school.

  14. I tried a Red Bull once, and never touched another energy drink because of that weird taste. Maybe they have a dank secret compound somewhere in the dessert where they have captive misfits stomp huge vats of herbs and what ever else they put in those drinks, and the funny taste is their foot fungus? ;) (Try and drink another without having that pop in your head!) My brother loves Lizard Blizard, can't wait to pass on your comparison,lol.

    Most of the brands you mentioned never even made it here. I remember wanting to try Jolt, but the closest we get is that Vault crap.
    I read in the paper this morning that the breweries are cranking up their pumpkin beers if ti helps.

  15. 'shot: scotch, huh? what's your poison?

    g: g, that made me almost tear up. thank you! X! now you're my official eastside connection! we should have codewords and everything. id just about kill for a browns strawberry...

    crg: yeah! like that coffee that they run through a weasel first? maybe this is Kool-Ade that they run through a weasel! i really think you're on to something.

    danator: my biker remembers that oceanspray flavor! yeah, we have Jones here...the 'Thanksgiving 6-pack' is for sale in the local supermarket every year. mm! turkey soda! their green apple flavor kicks ass-too bad it's so....green.

    mj: oh i bet you do, honey.

    hendrix: you want strange? we even have turkey-YES, TURKEY- flavored soda. this is a true fact. JONES makes it. come over to yahoo U.S. and look up Jones Soda and you too can order and experience the flavor of carbonated turkey in a bottle! also come in pumpkin pie, brown gravy, cranberry sauce and mashed potato. no kidding.

    beast: the Playboy of the Western World used to party in Greece and bring that stuff back by the gallon! amazing how delicious that stuff gets the more you drink it!

    gale: i guess there's even red bull cocktails now. me, i can envision a fantastic bloody mary made using Cel-Ray.

    danator: yellow river, man.

    savannah: and the old school is the BEST school! coffee... all the energy, none of the desire to barf out the window of a moving car!


    I have never had a ginger ale. or sasparilla or green river or syllabub under the cow, for that matter. of course, which one of us is attending a major university, and which one is blanching corn? hmmmm.

  17. Mmmm - beer. And you have so many micro brews up there - why bother with the sugar water?

  18. Okay, I am a die-hard Irn-Bru fan ofcourse, it works a treat on hangovers, Hendrix is totally right!!
    I also like Red Bull and Coffee.....can we say 'caffeine addict'?

    I love the fact that someone's put the flavour of turkey in a can....not sure I'd drink it, but I'd love to own just a can of it to show people at parties.......sigh, my little life!

    Incidentally hun, you spelled Mojito right...lol...I'm the one with the duff brain cells. Also, since you are a women of taste, standard and obvious cocktail beverage knowledge.....(yup I'm about to ask for a favour) could you possibly suggest a fantastic cocktail that I can easily make and drink on Fri (my 30th.....shameless aren't I?!), I've run out of ideas and have requested folk to drop me their ideas, but sadly no-one has.....poor poor pitiful me......so know of any?

    I live in the middle of Europe so tricky ingredients could be impossible to find.

    Very funny post, I'm seriously fighting off some hero worship here!

  19. joe: because sometimes you have to DRIVE places. truthfully, if beer didn't get you drunk that's probably all i would drink, that, water and coffee. it just plain tastes good. you, on the other hand, are in booze heaven. what are you drinking these days?

    punkin: oh, Happy Birthday!! (now i have to look up that irn bru stuff; i'm curious). my favorite cocktail is the Margarita, blended. but you have to like the flavor of tequila, which i do. some people CANNOT choke it down. also good are a Bloody Maria (bloody mary with harbanero sauce) and a Long Island Ice Tea-watch out for this one, though. it's sneaky.
    You can look up the recipes for them at the Mr. Boston website -go to Yahoo U.S.


  20. Glenfiddich, of course...althought MJ's avatar has got me thinking about sampling some Jamesons.

  21. entropy11:56 AM

    How about a cosmopolitan with vanilla vodka, triple sec and cranberry juice (2 to 1 to 3or4, can't be doing with those cosmos where they just wave the juice carton at them...)

  22. Anonymous2:33 PM

    Do you get Dandelion and Burdock or Tizer? I have a feeling both would revolt you... What the fuck is wrong with fucking beer?!

    Sorry I just felt like swearing...

  23. Original Mai Tai(slight variation)

    "This is a slight modification of Trader Vic's original recipe You may choose any rum you want (its a matter of taste, as I see it), just make sure its 2 ounces.
    There is NO pineapple juice, NO sweet and sour, NO orange juice... and NO BLENDER (unless you are using one to crush the ice) The travesties there are out there these days claiming to be a mai tai are both amusing and sad. Try one like this and see.. everyone I have made one for has come to realize the truth about the real Mai Tai: it truly is.. the best."

    1 oz Sailor Jerry® spiced navy rum
    1 oz Cruzan® black rum
    1/2 oz orgeat syrup
    1/2 oz Orange Curacao liqueur
    1/4 oz rock candy syrup
    1 lime

    Hand shake, the lime juice from 1 lime should be squeezed into the shaker. Pour over crushed ice and garnish with half of the lime shell inside the drink and float a sprig of fresh mint at the edge of the glass.

    Hot Screaming Orgasm
    Coffee makes it "Hot", Vodka makes it "Scream".

    1/2 oz vodka
    1/2 oz Bailey's® Irish cream
    1/2 oz Kahlua® coffee liqueur
    1/2 oz amaretto almond liqueur
    1/2 oz coffee

    Add hot coffee first to warm the glass, then add remaining ingredients. Serve in Brandy Snifter, or Irish Coffee Mug.

    (May be topped with small amount of whipped cream, but personally I think that spoils it)

    Multiples? Yes please!

  24. UK UPDATE: ok, so i was just looking at both Irn Bru and Dandelion & Burdock. They never quite get around to teLling you exactly what it tastes like...'refreshing, light, citrusy, pleasant'...so basically that means 'pretty much like shit', right?

  25. Rimshot: You obviously know your stuff, barkeep. We're on our way over.

    And treat yourself to a glass of Lagavulin single malt.

  26. Anonymous12:10 AM

    I was going to try to set up a trade with you where I'd send you some Jolt and you send me some Orbitz (yes I liked it) but i figured it'd be easier to give you a website where you can find all things you once thought were discontinued, and if they don't have it listed you can email them and they'll find it for you. http://www.hometownfavorites.com/shop/candy_cat.asp?c=21&p=2&id=1548&newp=

    Thats the page with Jolt on it but it has tons of stuff.

  27. You'all forgot a fizzy horror call Vimto.......which as you can clearly see is an anagram of Vomit.....so you can just imagine

  28. Kristy11:18 PM

    Pepsi Blue. I miss it still!

  29. helloness!
    my sister tipped perm lotion on my baby brother when he was one (she was two...the next door neighbour gave her it...??). he stick solid to the play pen.....

  30. nytreeman3:56 PM

    FirstNations is right on all counts what do these big companies have rolling around in there minds Jolt was great, kinda sweet but I liked it - gone and as he said RC cola was a truly excellent cola I always bought it and now it's gone wtf,and energy drinks in general just taste like crap,give me a good strong cup of coffee any day