Sunday, September 23, 2007

weird food

Kind of a 'victory from the jaws of defeat' thing.

As always, the conversion charts are below so you don't have to make a long distance call to the United States and ask George Bush what 375 degrees is in Celsius. Anyway I can just about guarantee he doesn't know.
I know this sounds bizarre but it's REALLY good. You could call it
if it makes you feel better.

1/2 block cream cheese (4 oz)
2-more or less- loose handfuls of spinach leaves, stemmed washed and dried
1/2 lb smoked turkey chopped
2 tbls ranch dressing
2 tbls Sandwich Onions
1/2 cup yogurt
1 plain, untoasted bagel torn up into really small pieces

Run it all through the cuisinart until it's as mixed as it can possibly get. In mine this means a thick, grainy paste.
Dump over HOT pasta, and toss to combine. Linguine is nice for serving hot (as is running this under the broiler for a couple of seconds to brown the top before you serve it. As a matter of fact this would make a kickass casserole with a little milk added, maybe some pecorino grated on top...? I should try that. )

To serve cold, use something really bumpy like radiatore or shells. Toss with hot noodles, and use a lot more sauce than you think you'll need because the noodles will soak it up-then chill for a few hours.

(low fat version-neuchatel cheese, lowfat yogurt, lowfat ranch and some olive oil splashed in to fill in the blanks.)

{this is a thinner version of a ravioli filling I usually make... with white bread crumbs and smoked ham in place of the bagel and turkey, and grated mozzerella in place of the yogurt.}

oo, these are cool!{{{{{}}}}}}{{{{{{}}}}} it makes a design! {{{}{}{}{}{}}}}{{}{

very very ugly and also really good.

3 + cups white flour- depending on humidity of day, add more during kneading
2 packets yeast
1/3 c up soft margarine-add in with dry ingredients and mix.

1 egg room temp
1 scant cup water, hot from the faucet
1/2 to 2/3 cups sugar
10 cardamom seeds
1/2 tsp gr.cinnamon
1/2 tsp gr. nutmeg

1 1/2 cup applesauce
1/3 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup gingersnap cookie crumbs...blend into a fine paste in cuisinart, then add

1/3 cup coarse chopped almond
Stir to combine.

NOTE: in this recipe, yeast is as much a flavor ingredient as it is leavening. This dough won't rise very much once the filling is stirred in so don't freak out. What you want are stretchy lengths of gluteny dough in ribbons and blooms through the finished muffins.

Dump dry ingredients and margarine into cuisinart, blend. Yes, even the yeast. This isn't 1888; you don't need to proof the damn yeast.

Put the spices into the hot water and whir in a blender or with an immersion mixer for a couple of minutes. Let this steep for awhile,like a half hour or so, until the water is cooled down to room temp. Then pass through a strainer, discarding spice residue. (This keeps any spice bread from becoming too rank to eat over time like some do. Cardamom is bad for doing this; so are cloves.) Drop in egg and mix slightly, just to get it scrambled around.

Turn on the cuisinart and pour the wet ingredients in. When the mixture cleans the bowl, turn off the machine, cover with a towel and ignore for 20 minutes.

Turn out on board and knead, adding in flour when the mixture gets sticky, which will be often. You want it very loosey goosey. After about three or four minutes, set dough aside in a covered bowl in a warm place to rise for 1 hour.

Have a muffin pan ready.

Turn the dough out onto the counter and roll it flat. Spread the filling out all over the top of it. Roll it up on itself and then plunk it back into the rising bowl and mash it around a little by driving a spatula through it. It should start to get goopy and disgusting looking. Good! Don't beat the hell out of it, just goop it about a couple of times. It'll tear, the filling will glick out; that's fine.

Using a large spoon or your hands, fill the muffin cups with big disgusting glops of this mixture.
I have a muffin pan with really big muffin shapes so it all fits, but yours might be different. Don't worry, you can do two batches or use two pans or whatever.

Set aside to rise for 20 minutes; it won't, very much.
Meanwhile, preheat oven to 375.

Heave into the heated oven and cook for 40 minutes-I had to go 40+ because it was raining.
What comes out is horrible looking and it tastes DEEEEEVINE! Crunchy in places, goopy in places, cakey in some, bready in others, and almonds for crunchiness. All the tastes harmonize and it isn't just some homogenous sweet thing. Every bite is a little different.

(So yeah, this is basically a filled coffee bread that failed. Not enough flour in the dough, could of used another egg, and the filling was WAY too wet. Should of used apple butter instead of sauce and less at that, and a few more gingersnaps. Still, I did invent these rockin little muffies!)

Fahrenheit to Celsius conversion...

and here is a conversion chart for all kinds of shit, including cooking nomenclature. scroll down to choose the conversion category you want:


  1. Anonymous5:11 PM


  2. Mr.C: have you taken your medication yet?:) xxx!

  3. first nations, i'll have to send you my mom's recipes for potato soup (yummy to the nth degree), and for her mississippi mud cake. it's like a brownie with marshmallows and chocolate and nuts. great. now i'm craving it. oh well.

  4. What am I supposed to do if I don't have a cuisinart?

  5. Jeez, first Walnut, now you. Don't you people realize that I don't have TIME to bake?

    I am a good eater, though. So, if I send you some tupperware, will you mail me back some ugly muffins?

  6. Cuisinart? Broiler? Lowfat ranch? What is this bizarre tongue you colonials have developed?

    Still that's nothing compared to the culture shock experienced by the Americans I met in the Derbyshire Peak District, who went into a nice, traditional pub and were offered a plate of faggots. With mushy peas, of course.

  7. I come over 'ere expecting satire and filth - and I find a Kitchen Godess.


  8. MJ: You can come over and use, anytime.

  9. pink: SEND THEM!

    MJ: cry.

    danator: you get right back into that kitchen missy, tie on an apron and git baking! what man is gonna want to marry you if you can't cook? :)

    tim: a cuisinart is a 'robocoup' in europe. ranch dressing; forget about it, it's weird. the broiler is the element on the roof of the oven.//good thing they skipped the pigs arse pudding, huh.

    kaz: hey, now, those muffins are REALLY SUPER ugly. come on.

    'shot: all the COOL people have cuisinarts.

  10. This sounds great , real beastly cookin, I can get in a rare old mess , and will probably have to redecorate the kitchen , wash all me clothes and hose down the stove.
    I cant wait.....:-)

  11. The pasta dish sounds really tasty, I will definitely have to try that one out....the muffin one sounds frightening and as, generally, the only baking I have EVER succeeded at are those mix and pour instant desserts....I should maybe pass that recipe onto a good friend and get them to make them for me!!!

    By the way, thanks for the crab Mojito thingy...t'was tasty.

    I also must grovel loudly and profusely to the hallowed gods of the cocktail for the misspelling of Mojito (perhaps four hail bombay saphires will do it)....I swear it's this town I live's sucking my will to spell!!!

    Excellent recipe, will let you know if I try and how it turns out.

    Fun and with tons of food-type-stuff....what more could I want in a daily read....pure dead brilliant!!! x

  12. Hoosier9:26 AM

    These sound great, though I'll probably never attempt the Muffins (lazy and ovenly-incompetent)I'm definetly doing the pasta. I demand to come back Italian in a future life, if not for the food for the sexy Italians. Win-win!

    Umm, how'd word get out about my flannel cowboy pj's and basement clarinet solos? :)

  13. god i miss having a real working oven.

    don't s'pose i could make muffins in the toaster oven, eh? No, probably not..

    Stupid old shitty ass oven...

  14. RIMSHOT: Are you willing to wear an apron?

  15. I am sitting here wiping the drool off of my keyboard. Messy I know but I haven't eaten since last night and wont be able too until tomorrow after my dr visit. MMMM food....
    Ever thought of catering?

  16. beast: this is how all the great cuisines started...leftovers and beer!

    punkin: which one of us spelled mojhito wrong? wait a second. gimme one of those bombay saphires. aaaah!

    hoosier: oo, bring me back with you!

    claire: does the toasteroven go up to 375? then yes. just do a couple at a time. i used to do cinnamon buns in a toaster oven up when i worked at the lodge.

    mj: fancy you asking someone to keep things clean.

    gale: wouldn't i have to own a restaurant? (you have to take a fasting blood test? ak. )

  17. seriously, one of these days i am going to appear at your doorstep and demand you teach me all the secrets of your cooking.

    if Pirate ever pulls his finger out of his ass and proposes i'll bring him along.