Sunday, November 04, 2007

Quaint vignette from my charming rural idyll

We got the Playboy of the Western World moved back in. He hit the street running, which he can't do but does anyway, and immediately overdid it, roaming all over hells' half acre schmoozing it up until he couldn't walk and needed oxygen.

We had 'Lifeline' installed for him. I'm pretty impressed with the system, actually. It costs 35.00 a month, which is pretty damn reasonable, and 50.00 to install. This highly technical process involves plugging an extremely sensitive conference node into the wall, and plugging the phone into that.
The rest of the 'installation' is spent in orientation and practice with the system. I was there for this. They were really patient and it was really very simple. He wears a call button, about the size of your average groovy peace medallion, around his neck on a lanyard 24/7. When he presses that he can speak and be heard from any room of his apartment. And that's it.
Fuck, I want one now. This relieved a huge burden of worry from all of us and I wish we'd gotten it sooner.
Now I have to go and do some shopping for him because all the stuff in his refrigerator is stanky.


  1. Anonymous8:42 AM

    yay for playboy! way to go stud! so basically he knows has the home equivalent of onstar! now what happens when someone accidentally presses the medallion in the heat of the moment? can we say awkward?

    i shall hold prayer viduals (i have no clue if that is even how you spell that, but i'm on my way out the door, so whatever). i should be so lucky as to have a job that i can quit. shoot, i'm hoping unemployment pays me one more check so i can buy christmas, otherwise, it's hemp jewelry for everyone.

  2. help! ive fallen and cant reach my beverage!!! okay sorry, jokes aside. sounds like a cool setup.
    tell the lazy amazon to get off her ass and get back to work!!! millions of people on welfare need her money! what ever will they do? or at least get back to blogging.
    have a great end of yer week!

  3. Ah, the pre-Christmas quit. I'm a big fan.

    Can TPOTWW use Lifeline to get directions like Onstar:

    "Hello, I'm in the living room and need to get to the bathroom. There's a fat houseguest in the way on the main path, can you provide alternate routing?"

  4. I suggest she get a job as a greeter at Wal-Mart.

  5. Good for the Playboy and good for the SSA.

    Our old batty neighbor had Lifeline. Whenever she pushed the button (which was a lot) the company called US before phoning an ambulance. Apparently when she had the thing installed she put down my mom's name and number as primary contact -- without permission, mind you -- even though she had family living in town. Argh.

  6. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  7. you know who1:08 PM

    might be interesting for you:

  8. Kristy2:49 PM

    Wow, I should get one of those for my mom--84 and still living on her own. It would be peace of mind.

  9. So he can push the button and sing to the two of you at night, then? I think you should install a two-way!

    Glad to know your shoulders are a little lighter. Hug.

  10. What a lucky pup! Should of got one with a GPS.

  11. pink: re the heat of the moment...i was worried about the same thing. fortunately someone at a switchboard in boston has to listen to it, not me!!

    iVoices: i can reach my beverage JUST FINE. so ha ha ha.

    'shot: i thought of it as being like those radio collars that the meerkats wear, so they can track him. they could do "Leopold Retirement Manor" and all the old people could run around and dig holes.

    mj: she isn't old or frightening enough.

    cb:his contacts are in town, but they party almost as much as he does so he might have a wait.

    you know who: what i could see looked cool; i liked the 'dead parrot sketch' (you DEBBIL you.) but my computer had to go lie down with a wet rag on its head in the middle of it so i wasn't able to see the whole thing. show yourself, varlet! varlette? whatever.

    kristy: i was impressed. you tend not to trust things marketed that heavily on television but it really turned out to be a great thing.

    ara: thank you my darling. someone in Boston gets to listen to him sing, though. maybe they can harmonise.

  12. Anonymous8:38 PM

    can you imagine what the poor operator is probably thinking? heck, i can answer that! EEEWWW! really really old people doing it!
    then again, at their age, if they can actually do it, then yay for them, just, please, not within listening distance.

  13. That sounds a fantastic wee gadget thingy, I don't think we have anything like that in Scotland yet, or didn't at the point my grandparents could have done with it.
    The more I hear about Playboy, the more I want to do the 'Grovel at his feet' thing, he just sounds so damn cool and fiesty.
    Glad too that this will help your life be a little less worry-filled sweetie, I second Arabellas hug!

  14. he'll probably seduce all the operators!

    What I want to know is what the feck is Juju and why is unothodox?

  15. gale: oh crap you slid in under the wire there! they have that now for altzheimers patients. if you're a home caregiver that would save a lot of lives, esp. here in the winter.

    pink: that can't be the worst thing those poor folks have heard, though. I used to do phone surveys. i mean, theres some...REALLY INTERESTING...old people out there.

    punkie: it's a pretty cool innovation, and the lanyard makes it seem optional to the person wearing it; so thats a modicum of self-respect and independence preserved, too. thanks ((()))

  16. ziggi: and another one slides in! now come on people, this isn't baseball! and stop wearing cleats; geeze!
    "Juju" is a word for powerful magic and/or luck. Unorthodox...oh look that one up. "Unorthodox Juju" is a very bad play on the term "Orthodox Jew" and refers to HEY WAIT A MINUTE.

  17. Sounds well cool FN , my granny had something similar when she reached her 90's , it was an enormous relief to Ma and Pa Beastyworrying all the time.

  18. FN I thought you changed from yahoo and thas all I have, can you update me?

  19. dont tell me ya never listen to your parents doin it when you were a kid?!?! and dont think yer kids havent listened to you either... how handy would that be to have a little button to push so that you could fuck with them... muha aha ahaha.. (yeah, sick, twisted.. sorry, i live in the land of fruits and nuts. can you blame me?)

    oh, and what kind of beverages do ya'll drink up in canada, err washington?

  20. I got your 'unorthodox juju' comment and thought it was pretty fuckin' funny.

    But then, I'm a weirdo.

  21. Anonymous10:39 AM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  22. Anonymous10:39 AM

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  23. Spam
    Spam eggs and spam
    except the eggs (see the anon above)

  24. beast: they're great, arent they? next they ought to develop a 'radio fence' shock collar for teenagers. they leave a certain radius or go to certain 'blocked' locations and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT! Taze the little bastards! MUAHAHAHAHA!

    ziggi: I can't use your service so here I am...


    note the gimpy baby letter 'o' instead of a zero.

    Voices: but you see, that's why you fit in here so well. re beverages...the blood of unbaptized infants and cholera victims, baby. why do you ask? (tequila, samuel addams, session, alaskan amber, and rasty old PBR)

    'shot: pretty fuckin' weird, are you? and, you felt it necessary to state that conclusively, did you? 'k. have another halibut smoothie.

    SSA: will they never learn? so, where is the review? i wanna see the review.i still feel like shit because i missed baby augies show.

  25. I knew i started coming into this bar for a reason. PBR!!! sweet! i'll take a twenty four ouncer for the road please... hello, hello... shit.
    (walks away)
    apparently the bar is closed.