Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Yellow Bandicoot Revenge!

I wish there were such a thing as a handbook of do's and don'ts that they'd hand out to teenage boys in health class. It would make life so much simpler for everyone involved. Boys wouldn't have to 'learn' their moves from music videos and girls would never, never again have to hear the words "Is this it? is this it?"

In fact, lets tackle that one first.
But I don't wanna look at it; it's weird.
You have to look at it. It's not bad. It's like, a, one of those funny-shaped things.
What funny shaped things?
One of those vagina things. Now get down there and look. See? Nothings waving. You're going to be sticking you dick in there but you're afraid to look; geeze, what a pup. Are you sure you're old enough to be doing thisAHARAGHRAGH!
...No, no no, I'm sorry, I apologize, that was me. It's a hand puppet, see? The teeth are made of felt. Look. See?

OK. I'll draw a picture:

0-x (note: blogger will not print 'greater' and 'lesser' carats. you see what you can learn here?)

Aim for the dash.

Chapter One: Take the mirror test!

No, put your clothes back on, son. Nobody wants to see that until there's hair on it.

Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see?
If you see a white boy, take a permanent marker and write this down on the back of your favorite hand right now:

You are not nor will you ever, ever be Barry White. *
Never, never attempt to imitate Barry White while you are having sex. Not his voice, not his intonation, not his signature lines. Never never never. Even if you grew up in the middle of Compton. Even if you have an unusually melodious voice. In fact avoid Barry White impersonations for two days prior to and during sexual activity (with another person.)

A grown man doing Barry White impersonations with his mouth full of pubic hair is sad.

A 15 year old boy with three cat hairs on his upper lip doing Barry White impersonations while frantically dabbing his dick all over Hells' half acre wondering where the goddamn hole is, is sad AND hysterically funny.
Laughter isn't the kind of response you're going for here.

Yes, it's will remain that pinky-beige color for the rest of your life. Make friends with this fact. Own it. There are probably lots of women out there who'll find nothing whatsoever off-putting about it.

Mirror test 2: Who Am I?
Come on asshole; you don't know this?

See, now, that testiness; that's hormones.

When you see yourself in the mirror, you see an average young person with a more or less normal life. Now of course not everyone has a normal life. Movie stars, for example, don't have normal lives by any stretch of the imagination. Now ask yourself: Are you a movie star?

Yes, it's a silly question and you might laugh. And you should because you don't have a ghost of a chance of becoming one either.
As we all should know by now, life isn't very fair. You have to make up every single thing you say on the spur of the moment; movie stars have people who do that for them...and that means that you're at a distinct disadvantage when you're confronted with something that leaves you completely at a loss for words. Like boobies.

Let's say that you and a group of male buddies are sitting together when the freshman girls' gym class run past.
Any phrase that springs to your mind at this moment IS EXACTLY THE PHRASE YOU SHOULD NEVER USE DURING AN INTIMATE MOMENT. "Time for a milkin', baby, What's up with your nipples, Shake them fuckin' jugs, Don't give yourself a black eye, Looks like a couple of cub scouts wrestling in a pup tent, Oh my God that's the funniest thing I've ever seen I think I'm gonna die, Jesus look at them jiggle, Put on a bra, Wowzer whadda pack a' boobs", and other such phrases ARE NOT THE KIND OF THING ONE SAYS IN AN INTIMATE MOMENT. Not even to that blow up doll you think nobody saw you take out of the New Years Eve party box in the closet.

3. There's no such thing as truth in advertising in the wacky game of romance!

When it all comes down to brass tacks, neither of you rate first prize at this stage in your young lives. Yes, I mean you with the huge zits all over your back, bucko.
Be kind. Tell a white lie. Make a good memory if you can't make a great one. Remember: you have those giant seeping zits all over your back. If she's less than what you'd been lead to believe, don't mention it. IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE YOUNG MAN DON'T MENTION IT.

In fact, you may be surprised to find that the very same rule applies for everything about a young womans' body. There's only one simple rule to remember: If you find yourself less than overwhelmed by the quality on view, NEVER NEVER MENTION IT UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE REAL BAD.

Do you know why? Take this multiple choice quiz:
1. Women are nuts
2. It's not polite to criticize
3. I'm too young to know what the fuck I'm talking about anyway
4. The only naked ladies I've ever seen were represented in two dimensions
5. I'm lucky she got naked at all; I should get down, kiss her feet and thank GOD instead of going waa waa waa like a fuckin' little punkass puke.


3. Take the Sniff test!
Everyone perspires-it's a fact! During this special time in a young mans life you might find that the amount and odor of your perspiration has increased. Many young people find this embarrassing, but relax; a normal part of growing is smelling like the jock strap stuck to the floor in a hard fungus-coated clump that Frankenstein took off and threw behind the laundry hamper.
Vigorous activity produces sweat, and your newly-active apocrine glands provide the odor, something which bacteria and other factors, like being addicted to beef jerky, can add to.
Many young people make the mistake of thinking they can hide these problems with various deodorant and anti-perspirant preparations on the market today. Mot of these young people have to wear helmets and cannot be trusted around pets or swimming pools.

Yes indeed...riding a bike, sports, helping your dad mow the lawn can cause sweat and odor.
It's not exempt. Magical cupids do not sprinkle rose petals down softly upon you and your darling as you tenderly encounter one another amid the fragrant pink clouds and baby bunnies. You will sweat. Like a hog. A big hog.
After everything is said and done, though, just get the fuck over yourself; you're a teenage boy. You usually smell like the ass of a bear.

4. Take the Giggle Test!
Sounds like fun, doesn't it? But this might very well be the most important test of all!
When your favorite music video comes on, romantic lighting, clever makeup techniques and vats filled with silicone make up a large part of the magic you're seeing. True, everything looks dreamy when Ussher throws a liplock on the ho in the back seat of his limo, but what's missing from that moment is the long whistling fart that ho just cut against the vinyl seat.

Remember our old friend sweat from #3? Don't play stupid you little gink I know you do. Sweat has a funny way of making even the most romantic moment into something as hilarious and heartbreaking as George Bush attempting to explain....well, just about anything, pretty much.

Lost in the throes of boyhood passion, slapping away desperately at the ass of your beloved like one of those birds that drink out of a water glass that you win at the fair except imagine the bird is real and the glass is full of crack, the rivers of sweat you produce can make you slip and miss your mark. This might be a level of intimate contact that you and your young partner are not ready to experience yet. Of course it might be, and in that case it's called 'Greeking'.
Still, it's best if you do NOT guffaw "Wow, I betcha THAT wuz a surprise, huh!"

As you lie atop your sweetheart thrusting your turgid manhood into what pretty much feels like the right place, flumping and wallowing like an elephant seal battling a life raft and not supporting any of your own weight whatsoever, the excessive sweat you're producing is puddling in her belly button. This can actually cause the two of you to stick together...and come apart suddenly with a romantic blubberous farting sound.
-Don't crack up laughing and fall off the bed.
-DO NOT look down at her and say "Jesus; excuse yourself!" and crack up laughing and fall off the bed.
-And most certainly NEVER, NEVER say "Huh! I don't remember eating that!" and crack up laughing and fall off the bed. Because the floor is where you'll be likely to remain.

*Insert the name of any well-known black gentleman with a distinctive voice here. I use Barry because Barry and I have a history. Is this an Oregon thing? Is there a universe in which it is anything other than sad and lame for a white guy to suddenly go all Galveston and start moaning"uuuuOOOOAAAAAAOOOOYEAH, BAAAAAAAAYBY....AAAAAAAH FEEL THE POWER when he's all whappity-slappin away down yonder?

** Oh please don't tell me you actually had to look here for the answer. Jesus; shoot yourself NOW.


  1. yes this goes along with the common sense part of an SSA post awhile back.
    but wasnt aware of the um level of readership here... sorry young fellas hmmm, i guess i should refrain from saying shit like: fuck, damn, asswank, etc... my bad. wont fuckin happen again.. oh and by the way, if yer asking "is this it?" or "is it in yet?" yah need to continue practicing on yer chickens. or goats. or ferrets, whatever you been useing up till then. and apologize to the nice lass who gave ya a chance in the first place...

  2. Voices: i was thinking about days gone by when i wrote this today. I started roaming when I was 15 so I consider myself somewhat experienced in the field of sad teenage sex.
    I still want the Barry White-Oregon thing explained to me though.

  3. I nominate you for the Health Teacher of the Year Award, which I just made up. The prize spending several hours a day stuck in a room full of disinterested, smelly adolescents. yay you.

    that fart noise your stomachs make when you pull apart? that cracks me up! both of us! (it's ok to laugh when you're in an LTR with a sympathetic partner who shares your sense of humor and can have a giggle in bed w/o losing his boner, but this is a distinction that 15yos cannot make. obv.)

  4. in Michigan Barry White is definately part of the sex scene. I understand he's usually the go-to-man for "i want to seduce this chick and i'm not concerned about being totally obvious," but i don't know anyone who does impersonations. i thought people just played the damn CDs.

  5. cb1: see, now, the frap noises; those bothered me. i know its a matter of position and relative concavity but still.

    cb2: oo, or ravels' Bolero. or the 'love theme from the Godfather'. all part of the polyester and white shoe seduction kit!
    I am disgusted to say that I have heard any number of BW lines assayed.

  6. Bolero is just too much pressure. A long song that just keeps building and building...Give me the first 5 songs of any live Ramones concert any day.

  7. 'shot: i always figured the thing about bolero was, it was so goddamned boring you had to break up the monotony somehow. I'm with you. the Ramones, my new boy Rob Zombie, something upbeat and inspirational! Nothing says 'do me baby' like 'Living Dead Girl' playing at 11.

  8. Just what I needed to tell my son, oh 14 years ago. Probably too late now huh?
    Pictured everything in my head...were you there on my first date. ewwwwwwwwwww. Nah that was my best friend and her date in the front seat.
    funny how this all brought that back.

  9. Excellent lesson. Will you be giving workshops?

    And will you be discussing the topic of quiefs in an upcoming post?

  10. But I *am* Barry White.

    Or was it Barry Manilow?

  11. The Ramones? With my sciatica?

    Am completely depressed because I can remember (just about) being a teenager. Being a teenager is the most horrible thing in the world.

  12. Dr. Frobisher says:- Young men only need a few tips for a happy and healthy sex life.

    1. It's the second hole you come to from the back of the neck (downwards). Absolutely foolproof.

    2. Enjoy yourself as much as possible and your female partner will to.

    Yes, it really is that simple!

  13. *Tears of Laughter streaming down face*

    Okay, I have composed myself.

    I'm printing this here wonder-fucking-full piece of writing out and saving it for when my son turns 15....I swear that, that is the best piece of sex advice for a young guy I have ever heard and if it wasn't for the fact that here I'd probably get locked up and then shot for it, I would stick it up on lamp-posts for miles around.

    You know I feel completely comedically aneamic next to you lass and I don't mind a bit.


  14. I can see why the movement-long orchestral crecendo in Bolero might make it conducive to love-making background music, but I just know too much about the composition of that piece to be able to think about sex when I hear it. I was Ravel's response to the chaos of WWI and the destruction of the French countryside. It begins with this sweet little pastoral tune, and slowly builds and degenerates (if it's played correctly) into this brass, chaotic, madness of insanity. It's fucking creepy once you know that.

  15. Could you continue on, I think we need a manual, even for the ones not a teen ager. Haven't found one yet, and I'm still looking. (am I doing that the right way?)

  16. From now on, I am referring to coplulation as "whappity-slappin away down yonder"

  17. hmmm... barry white never worked for me. led zepplin, thats what it took in my town, that and some ones parents not being home... on weekends we used to break into the school and do it in the teachers lounge... but yeah, no barry. so im no real help there.

  18. gale: we were ALL there. and all of us honked the horn with our butts, too.
    was I alone in that?

    mj: is that how its spelled! i looked it up! I did! but i spelled it 'queef'. crapola! *shudders at sudden unwanted memory*

    footman: baby, you're...
    you know, I was going to do this wordplay on 'Barry=Bury' but i decided no, his last name isn't 'Deep' so it wouldn't make any sense.

    betty: good gravy marie no, its mood music! not a metronomic aid! heavens, thats teacup poodle stuff there.//was it not horrific? oy.]

    frobi: oh dear. remember the teacup poodle from the answer to betty there right up above? thats what your average teenage boy IS EMULATING when he's 'enjoying himself as much as possible'. then again, i bet we didn't know the same teenage boys, huh.
    tradeja. *snif*

    punkie: thanks! well, its true, though, isnt it?

    cb: that i did not know, and now i not only know that but that i've never heard it played properly, either.
    i have a similar response to the use of gregorian chant in the soundtrack of a scary monster movie. it's religous music. please.

    joe: all you need to know is a. women are all nuts, and b.
    no thats it.

    'shot: all the cool people already do. oh yeah.

    voices: see, now i'm imagining you rared back cutting loose with that fallen angel howl that leads into 'I Cant Quit You Babe". and it's good.

    Where were you when I was 16?!

    That was tremendously entertaining and uplifting. I feel so relieved that I never had to fumble about trying to imitate Barry White. No my grade 10 Math Teacher knew all about geometric configurations and understood the disparity betwixt cross generational partnering. AAhh those were the good old days when tutoring meant something and Teachers took pride in their work..

    This needs to go in YOUR book that I hope you are working on. Fantastic.
    "I'm lucky she got naked at all"

  20. Norwexile5:19 PM

    *shudder* that sounds horrid ...

    This is why I was an angry baby dyke when I was a teenager - there was still the zits but at least we both had the same bits.

    Do teenage boys *really* have trouble with the which hole thing? Man. That's really funny.

  21. homoE: I had a completely different geometry teacher. In fact, the reason I kept getting detention all the time was because of that geometry teacher. i would have rather had your geometry teacher. no, really.

    norwexile: where were YOU when I was 16????? :) and yes, it really was that sad. remember the 'parts charts' in health class? ours were LINE DRAWINGS. if you didn't know what you were looking at you might have thought you were in Geography.
    the only color pictures were hemisections. and that's no help at all, unless you're Ed Gein.

  22. I think I'm OK now. I read about halfway and choked laughing, which made my eyes stream so I had to remove the specs. But I think I'm alright now...

  23. Hey Rimshot..
    Wapiti slappin' way down yonder has been outlawed in Banff.

    I always thought that cuffing an Elk in the valley was just plain crazy anyhoo.

    YEE HAW!
    *starts firin' his pitols in the air

  24. I know there's only one like you.

    There's no way, there could have been two.

  25. What a whopper , I will be back later when I can read carefully ....and take notes....and structure a comment that doesnt make it blatantly obvious that I dont find coitial farty noises highly hilarious

  26. you.are.a.goddess.

    (i will be laughing about this all day!)

  27. no-one's ever sung anything to me during any kind of sex, let alone tried to be Barry White - I feel deprived


  28. Ziggi: Please forward your address and the best time to service you and I'll be right over. I'll bring a portable karaoke jukebox.

  29. I am sorry I cant let this go any further....... Barry White and sex .....the man looked like a melted moose , just the thought of him during sex would stop thing right there and then.
    Loved the music but.......
    Oh still yuk
    ***beast dances round trying to rid himself of Barry Whiteness***