Friday, December 14, 2007

Paisley Baboon Very Making Leveraged Buyout!

One of my favorite things to do on the Internet is to look up por

One of my favorite things do do on the Internet is to play 'where will this lead?' The rules are simple...start someplace that interests you and read along. When you come to a question or a reference that seems interesting, go there next.

Yes, now that I have the interwebs I can take this game as far afield as I like. Gone are the days when I had to approach sensitive subjects from oblique angles in order to find an answer in a footnote or an obscure textbook. Now, by God, if I run across a reference to, say, 'looners' why I can just type that sapsucker in and get an answer that I really, really could have gone the rest of my life without knowing. Oh my yes.

So it was today, when I threw in my Rob Zombie compilation, cranked the gain to 11 and typed in the search phrase 'bunny man'. I ended up at the most interesting site just full of information about ancient Central and South American glyphs.*

Along the way I found St. Brigids Beer Prayer:
I would like the angels of Heaven to be among us. I would like an abundance of peace. I would like full vessels of charity. I would like rich treasures of mercy. I would like cheerfulness to preside over all. I would like Jesus to be present. I would like the three Marys of illustrious renown to be with us. I would like the friends of Heaven to be gathered around us from all parts. I would like myself to be a rent payer to the Lord; that I should suffer distress, that he would bestow a good blessing upon me. I would like a great lake of beer for the King of Kings. I would like to be watching Heaven's family drinking it through all eternity.
Which you have to agree is a lovely sentiment.

Also this picture, which the clicking that maketh bigness will make bigger:

And this picture of a hybrid carrot-man in formal attire:

...You see what kind of interesting shit there is on the internet if you just take the time to look? Who would have ever thought that the Victorians had this kind of biotechnology? I sure didn't. You could buy seeds and grow your own hybrid carrot man! How many hybrid carrot-people might there have been planted that, even as we speak, lie waiting for the day that their Vegetable Master calls them all forth from their dormant state to take over the earth? I say bring'em on. Wouldn't you rather be ruled by a race of sentient man-carrot hybrids? I know I would. And you got to admit this is one spiffy damn carrot. He's even got a monocle. Do you have a monocle? No you do not.

Anyway, this interesting site I found about the Mayans:
There is is.
Apparently this guy has a real hard-on for proving that the Mayans recorded catastrophic astronomical events all the fuck over their buildings and pottery and everything.
In one of these events, there was this hugeass giant comet that circled the earth three times and burnt everything up. People jumped into the water to get away from it. Meanwhile the frogs and the fish were all jumping OUT of the water to get away from it. Basically everyone in Mesoamerica was either jumping into or out of the water. You would too.

Then, several hundred years later or so, another giant comet comes along, breaks up into four pieces and bombards the shit out of Yucatan and South Carolina. This somehow leads to the invention of an ancient form of handball that you play with your ass. If you won you got a sore ass. If you lost a guy with an obsidian knife hacked open your chest, grabbed your heart, ripped it out by the roots, took a damn bite out of it and then chunked it off the top of a pyramid.

Some years later there was a disasterous meteor shower, in response to which the Mayans decided it would be a good idea to start stabbing stingray spines through their dicks.

Personally, what I think this all is, is pretty fucking indicative of why the Mayan civilization failed.

Don't try this at home, kiddies. Well, not the above either. Anyway remember: I've had brain damage a lot longer than you have.


  1. Yay! First!

    I KNEW it! Stupid Mayans.

    I'm very happy to be a voyeur into a small part of your strange and wonderful world.

    In the words of the immortal Bob Dole "The internet is a great way to get on the net."

  2. I don't think much of the prayer. I would prefer either to be quietly at home with my remote control unit, or have a few people round for a bit of a laugh - Jesus and Mary would not be my first choices for that category.
    And as for crossbreeding vegetables and humans, have you never heard of our wonderful royal family? I think that you will find if you study your history books that the father of Henry II was actually a turnip called Ron.

  3. Wrong again, Scurra! He was called Derek and he was a genetically modified swede.
    Anyway, back to the Mayans. Everyone knows they died out because they didn't invent clingfilm.

  4. I always thought the Mayans just up and moved to Cleveland and started a baseball team. Pretty sure I wrote a book report on this in the 3rd grade.....4th grade?

  5. 'shot: there ya go.

    Vicus: well hello hello stranger! and yeah, you really didn't have to tell me that about the royals; its pretty obvious cauliflower was involved somewhere along the line.

    reg: cauliflower. honest, take a look at chuck. in between those ears? thats cauliflower. oh yeah.

    gale: you mean the Cleveland Indigenous Peoples? I love them.

  6. Thats really wierd ,your thursday posting only just appeared , along with this one.
    I often feel the need to stab my gonads with stingray spines you think thats why I am single ???

  7. Why stingrays? The world may never know.

    I was doing a little "where will this lead" today, myself. I only got as far as the novel concept of "retracted penis pouches," and decided that was enough.

  8. Retracted Penis pouches Da Nator ???

    Sounds like the perfect Christmas Gift to me

  9. "is to look up por" tents of doom :)

    I went through all the Von Daniken books when I was a teen, playing with the idea that we had been visited by something from space many times. Later, I realised that asteroids and comets were a much simpler explanation. Occam's shave lasts longer. I do wonder how many Mayan astronomers tried to build prediction calenders for what was, in effect, a random hail from the skies.

    Still, it gets the imagination going when you've got tired of watching soaps, which I view as one step removed from porn. Pron hace teh better plot-lines.

  10. beast: my picture windows won't open and my counter is brokeded, too. i blame meteors.

    danator: retracted...? wha? you sickie you. what benighted corner of the internets were you visiting?????

    beast: perfect for holiday gift giving!

    sopwith: its cool how much new information is out there just since the 70's. about porn.

  11. Stingrays? In the Guatemalan jungles?
    Danady carrot, by the way.

  12. When I watched the senseless slaughter of innocents to appease the gods in Apocalypto I was actually relieved that the Spaniards showed sick is that?

    Atleast the Europeans decimated the last 20 million with viral infections instead of ripping their hearts out with a dagger.

    I always thought that Von Daniken was completely full of crap..
    aliens would not have wasted their time in that neck of the woods...puh-leeze! Unless of course they needed human hearts for rocket fuel? Hmm.

    I better phone Scully and Muldaur to see what they found out.

  13. Yayyyy! I'm #23492245533!


    Ok, too much to going to sliver back into my cave.

  14. Funny. I thought the whole "sting-ray" thing would only make me stronger. Well, back to the drawing board...

    What's with the blasted word verification? My beard shudders at it's very sight.

  15. JoeInVegas (who can't log on)7:20 AM

    Oh - balloons - who would have imagined you could do those things with them? Can't see the carrot man, but thanks for the warnings about monkees.

  16. dinah: it's not bad enough they wanted to do that in the first place, oh no...they went out of their way to obtain the most painful, evil thing possible to do that with. stupid mayans.

    homoE: my mom read and believed all that von daaniken b.s about the mayans and the nazca lines. and the reality is still so much weirder!!

    awa: and THATS the winning number! lucky you!

    WCSN: it didn't work for steve irwin either. taking down the word veri now sah!

    joe: sorry...blogger is doing strange things lately. oy vey. trust me's an awesome carrot.