That is why I have decided to write about pirate snakes.
The great ninja vs pirate debate has pretty much been settled...if not to everyone satisfaction, then at least to a mutually agreed upon, scientifically provable set of data:
- Black outfits
- can do all kinds of kung fu and leaps and shit
- cool weapons
ABSOLUTE SILENCE. even if you get hurt you can't yell or anything.
Can only eat rice and fish plus you have to use chopsticks
Cannot receive mail or any packages because
They don't live anywhere.
FACT: Nobody has found the home of any ninjas.
Extremely cool outfits with lace
Flag with a skull on it
High maintenance lifestyle
Parrots crap on you
Substance abuse common
Getting keelhauled is bad
Being cabin boy
They put you in a barrel sometimes and then all the other pirates stick their weenises in there. According to Frobisher.
Now the thing that could put pirates over the top here is if they were snakes, but also pirates.
...FEEL the extreme snakey awesomeness cascading out of the screen into your lap here. I mean oh my GOD.
SNAKES: always look cool. Even when they're dead.
...I will blow the first person who sends me a jug of this. I will. Really.
Snakes have FANGS, which are not only sharp and cool looking but are like a hypodermic syringe. They inject this heinous, heinous poison into stuff they bite and you swell up and turn black and your skin splits APART. I'm totally not kidding here. Plus snakes are stealthy, are silent, are really fast, have freaky looking tongues, AND can constrict stuff.... like animals, a cow or even people! They wrap around and SQUEEZE and you turn into a big pile of squashed up guts and bones and THEN their jaw like unhooks apart and they stretch out really huge and swallow you whole with your shoes and everything, although of course they barf out all that stuff later.
And remember, snakes are viviparous OR oviparous.
BAD: there is no bad.
Think about it. You piss a snake off, it doesn't fuck around doing a bunch of kung fu stances 'Oo, this is the Crane! Oo, this is the Monkey!' No, it bites the shit out of you and you fucking die.
That's why people don't generally dick around with snakes.
You piss a ninja off, he goes wigging around for ten minutes doing leaps and shit and just generally being annoying and meanwhile you're waiting to die. Then he gets around to chucking a shirikun at your head, or they do that touch of death thing where a week later you croak off in front of the television and everyone runs around freaking out and its all mysterious. Which is smooth, but lacks a certain je ne sais quoi.
When pirates get mad first of all one of them stabs a knife into a table and says ARRRRR! Then they all start breaking bottles and running around. Someone knocks over
a candle and shit catches on fire. Then finally they stab the crap out of you with their cutlass. This is a kind of hugeass sword. Or sometimes they torture you first, then they chunk you overboard to some sharks and they all watch while the sharks eat your head and blood goes shooting out all over the place. Which is excellent but time consuming.
As should be obvious, if one were to combine pirates and snakes the result would be almost too rad for the human mind to contemplate.
PIRATE SNAKES WOULD BE:
Silent except they would hiss sometimes
Have poison fangs,
No stupid parrots crapping down the back of their clothes because they'd eat them ,plus they wouldn't have to wear clothes in the first place!
No amputation because no limbs! And the sweetest part is, if you cut one in half then that'd just make TWO snake pirates so they'd will all the sea battles!
They also have sailing ships (they'd hire ninjas to run it)
You see how this would all work out for the best here? We have the technology to grow a sheep in a jar, we have the technology to clone Christopher Reeve's spinal cord and and use it to power massive cybernetic tanks in the Antarctic, so why not use all this knowledge to update pirates so they wouldn't get their ass kicked by ninjas all the time? OK? Think of the pirates. At least think of their kids. All the ninja kids pick on the pirates' kids at school. For gods sake people, think of the children, OK?
THINK OF THE CHILDREN.