Wednesday, January 23, 2008

pirate snakes

So many overwhelming things have happened to me lately that it's difficult to sort it all out...a daughter married, a son found, Playboys relocated and two households finally merged into something resembling order after two years...what a year it's been, and it's only January!
That is why I have decided to write about pirate snakes.

The great ninja vs pirate debate has pretty much been settled...if not to everyone satisfaction, then at least to a mutually agreed upon, scientifically provable set of data:

  • Black outfits
  • stealthy
  • silent
  • can do all kinds of kung fu and leaps and shit
  • cool weapons


ABSOLUTE SILENCE. even if you get hurt you can't yell or anything.
Boring clothes
Anonymous IDENTITY
Can only eat rice and fish plus you have to use chopsticks
Cannot receive mail or any packages because
They don't live anywhere.
FACT: Nobody has found the home of any ninjas.


Extremely cool outfits with lace
Cool hats
Money +jewels
Sailing ships
And cannons
Flag with a skull on it

Frequent amputation
High maintenance lifestyle
Parrots crap on you
Substance abuse common
Getting keelhauled is bad
Being cabin boy
They put you in a barrel sometimes and then all the other pirates stick their weenises in there. According to Frobisher.

Now the thing that could put pirates over the top here is if they were snakes, but also pirates.

...FEEL the extreme snakey awesomeness cascading out of the screen into your lap here. I mean oh my GOD.

SNAKES: always look cool. Even when they're dead.
...I will blow the first person who sends me a jug of this. I will. Really.

Snakes have FANGS, which are not only sharp and cool looking but are like a hypodermic syringe. They inject this heinous, heinous poison into stuff they bite and you swell up and turn black and your skin splits APART. I'm totally not kidding here. Plus snakes are stealthy, are silent, are really fast, have freaky looking tongues, AND can constrict stuff.... like animals, a cow or even people! They wrap around and SQUEEZE and you turn into a big pile of squashed up guts and bones and THEN their jaw like unhooks apart and they stretch out really huge and swallow you whole with your shoes and everything, although of course they barf out all that stuff later.
And remember, snakes are viviparous OR oviparous.

BAD: there is no bad.

Think about it. You piss a snake off, it doesn't fuck around doing a bunch of kung fu stances 'Oo, this is the Crane! Oo, this is the Monkey!' No, it bites the shit out of you and you fucking die.

That's why people don't generally dick around with snakes.

You piss a ninja off, he goes wigging around for ten minutes doing leaps and shit and just generally being annoying and meanwhile you're waiting to die. Then he gets around to chucking a shirikun at your head, or they do that touch of death thing where a week later you croak off in front of the television and everyone runs around freaking out and its all mysterious. Which is smooth, but lacks a certain je ne sais quoi.

When pirates get mad first of all one of them stabs a knife into a table and says ARRRRR! Then they all start breaking bottles and running around. Someone knocks over
a candle and shit catches on fire. Then finally they stab the crap out of you with their cutlass. This is a kind of hugeass sword. Or sometimes they torture you first, then they chunk you overboard to some sharks and they all watch while the sharks eat your head and blood goes shooting out all over the place. Which is excellent but time consuming.

As should be obvious, if one were to combine pirates and snakes the result would be almost too rad for the human mind to contemplate.
Silent except they would hiss sometimes
Have poison fangs,
No stupid parrots crapping down the back of their clothes because they'd eat them ,plus they wouldn't have to wear clothes in the first place!
No amputation because no limbs! And the sweetest part is, if you cut one in half then that'd just make TWO snake pirates so they'd will all the sea battles!
They also have sailing ships (they'd hire ninjas to run it)

You see how this would all work out for the best here? We have the technology to grow a sheep in a jar, we have the technology to clone Christopher Reeve's spinal cord and and use it to power massive cybernetic tanks in the Antarctic, so why not use all this knowledge to update pirates so they wouldn't get their ass kicked by ninjas all the time? OK? Think of the pirates. At least think of their kids. All the ninja kids pick on the pirates' kids at school. For gods sake people, think of the children, OK?


  1. Good Points.
    Well Made.
    Now have you concidered what will happen if I was a Snake Pirate but had been left on the doorstep of some oriental monestary at birth and taken in and trained as a ninja till the age of 18.
    My Fu would be flawless , my fangs would be sharp , I would know my topsail from my steennkirk and would know all the words to 16 men on a dead mans chest
    I want to see Cockroach/Charlies Angels as well
    You know it makes sense

  2. Being a Year of the Snake person I fully concur with you.

    I suggest you move to Vietnam. They eat snakes there. That's why the slope shortarses managed to kick the Americans out of their country.

    Ingest venom and kill imperialists. It's the way to go.

    Adam Ant has gone mental. That's pirates for you.

  3. Garfy: What year were you born in?


    Or 1941?

  4. 1917

    I've got the wrinkled scrotum to prove it.

    Now kindly piss of, you're dead.

  5. Ninjas are awesome, but obviously i have to throw my vote to the pirates.

    snakes rock.

  6. hey, i've one of them snake in the bottle thing from vietnam. planned to drink it this weekend actually. i might blog it, too.

  7. beast: be careful what you wish for, though. i keep telling people that and do they listen? no, they get cthulhu kittens.

    garfy: excellent point. of course we eat snakes here too, at least in the southwest. and what did it get us? a new state waaaaay further 'back east' that hithero imagined? no, it got us indigestion and HEARTACHE, garfy.

    mj: 1756.

    garfy: dude, don't lie. the combover gives you away.

    cb: so many double entendres come crowding into my brain at this point that i think i'll just say thank you piratesnakeweenershivermetimberspirate awk

    TREES!!!!!! dude, I saw you a couple of posts back and things were so wild that i wasn't answering comments and im so sorry...and here you are again! excellent! i just read your lastest post and it kicks serious ass, son.

  8. snakes are good for shoes and handbags

    *runs away, tee hee hee*

  9. and she said...
    "I don't like Ninjas and Snakes
    And that ain't what it takes to love me.
    You fool, you fool"

    Great mental meandering FN. The disconnect makes perfect sense to me. Should I be concerned?

    Now I am off to listen to some Zappa!

  10. Pirate snakes would allow the combination of good old-fashioned swashbucking boddice-ripping with the surreptitious inveigling one's way up the petticoats and beyond for the good old-fashioned unexpected goosing. Works every time.

    Did you know that male snakes are reputed to have two cocks?

  11. Snake pirates? But what would happen to the poor manatee mermaids?

    I can't get you cobra wine, but I may be able to get you a partially dissected lamprey or mudpuppy. That's got to count for something, right? How about a snake skeleton? You pay me enough, I'll nick the one from the school lab for you...

    BTW, I want to know where you got the picture of the gentleman with the monkey plate over his privates. He is totally my new boyfriend.

  12. ziggi: when i was in gradeschool i had a pair of womens size 6 rattlesnake shoes. the coolness was INTENSE!

    SS-HE-whoever you are now: frank was totally a pirate snake. my grandson thought up this idea, though; i can take no credit for his genius.

    sopwith: dude, there's websites like that, you know? *considers reinstating censor on 'search' fuction* and it's not pretty at all.

    danator: SNAKE SKELETON!!!!!! and the manatee mermaids could be the snake pirates wenches. for the foxy bucketbooby man, though, you have to ask the SSA. she found it. she's SICK. in an 'apple not having fallen far from the tree' kinda way.

  13. That was long. WTF does "FirstNations" mean?

    As for Snakes, most people have the idea that the poisonous ones INSTANTLY inject poison into you.

    It's actually a relatively slow, almost Ninjaesque process.

    1) They strike (relatively slowly)

    2) They dig their fangs in.

    3) They STOP and contemplate the mysteries of the universe.

    4) They begin to slowly inject a combination of poisons the first of which isn't potent.

    A sober Pirate could:

    1) Be quick and smart enough to avoid the strike.

    2) Get the fucking thing off their leg while it's in contemplation stage.

    3) Get the fucking thing off their leg after contemplation stage but before a lethal does of poisons is injected.

    Basically, if a snake kills you, you're a panic-prone pussy-pirate.

  14. Sorry, you've been missinformed. Ninjas never kick pirate ass. Do you have any proof? Photographs? Documented sightings? Geez, to jump to a conclusion like that.

  15. FN, do you get visitors to your site as well looking for things like "fuction"?

    'Cos you will now :)

    I'm swamped by them, have been ever since that Eliza Doolittle post..

  16. On my way to google cobras in a bottle... a little something for valentine's day.

  17. Any one else want Indigestion and Heartache , but is afraid of snakes??.
    Take me out to dinner
    I will also throw in embarrasment as well.
    You know it makes sense

    PS I will only bite you and inject you with toxins if you pay extra....I am not a frigging charity

  18. troll: what kind of effete fricken' snakes are you used to? obviously some kind of inferior, lethargic poopy snake. our snakes are BAD FAST. and they would BE the pirates, doofus, not BITE the pirates! they would be PIRATE SNAKES! you and your stoned ass sub-snakes need to ramp back on the ganja. just say no to drugs. PAY ATTENTION PACO.
    (and remember-the black mamba is the only snake whose bite is SURE TO KILL. i learned that from quentin tarentino. i did.)

    joe: up in Lynden they have a TERRIBLE PROBLEM with school bullying because of little ninja children. those ninja parents just let their kids run butt-wild. its because they aren't Dutch Reform, you know. really.

    sopwith: anyone on the web looking for a misspelling or a picture of a dick eventually ends up here. in fact i think i'm the first stop on the misspelling express. choo choo.

    gale: its real. cobra wine isn't allowed here i don't think, but they sell snake wine in every major city with a china town (I remember seeing it in Portland and Seattle.) maybe boise has some! yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmy! chase that with a sourtoe cocktail, baby!

    beast: wear a head hankie and one gold hoop and say 'arrrrrrrrr' or just hiss suggestively. the more suggestively the better in fact. then EVERYONE will want you to bite them.

  19. Hang on!

    How they gonna 'splice a main brace' with out any limbs?

  20. Anonymous1:40 PM

    lord help us all. only you could come up with points like that and make them all sound logical and have pictures to back it up.

    i wouldn't make promises like the bottles of snakes. you know beast and frobisher just do stuff to test you.

  21. I like how Pink thinks your pictures reinforce your logic! Since when has Zappa and my bf Bucketman EVER been affiliated with logical happenings?!?! NEVER that's when!

  22. tick: if you people would only put one tenth the care and attention into reading this blog as i do researching these things you would SEE that the snake pirates would HIRE NINJAS to run the ship and do all that mainsl' framing and timber jibbering.

    pink: i think i just ensured that frobisher WON'T be sending me a jug of cobra wine anytime soon! anything i get in a bottle from beast or C will be stopped by homeland security long before it gets here.

    SSA: frank? FRANK? DIS NOT FRANK. you look at that face and tell me that isn't the face of a pirate snake comtemplating its own uber coolness. please.

  23. FN...thank you...i got the biggest kick out of this post...really i was a very long and hard week at work and this was just what i needed on sunday morning to get me to leave it somewhat behind...
    btw i was a little piratey this week...and it felt good!