Thursday, February 28, 2008

RERUN: profoundly and intensely nsfw.

This is a rerun of an article I had published about a year ago. It is arguably the filthiest thing I've ever published on this blog.
Why am I rerunning it?
Because I can.


NEW PEOPLE READ THIS:
1. If reading about vaginas, lesbians or my husband's new job (which I never mention) is going to offend you, then you'll probably want to hit that 'next blog' button up there on the extreme upper right hand corner jiffy quick.

2. If you intend to read on, but then you get all offended because you just read about nasty lady parts then you'll probably want to ask me if I give a fuck.
I don't by the way.

Ok? You have been warned and you're lucky you got that. Really. Ask anyone who regularly visits here. They'll tell you.






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Take care of your poontang, and your poontang will take care of you.

Now I don't mean to echo the sentiments of big Mama Thornton here, whose'If I can't sell it, I'm gonna sit on it because I aint givin' it away" are words many an enteprenurial dyke has taken to heart....no. I do mean to impart some basic operating instructions to those of you who might be new to the game.

Girls, those of you who have strayed into the boys side of the sockhop have doubtlessly noted that their congratulatory juices smell like chestnut trees in blossom...that, and the last meal they had. Or, the cigarettes/cigars/chewing tobacco/bong last mouthed.

This goes for cooze too, my darlings.

If this surprises you, remember that Sappho noted the same thing centuries ago in her lyric "Just because it has a cute expression on it's face doesn't mean it won't tear off your arm and club you with it."

If you smoke, whatever you smoke, be assured that it will end up making your cooter taste as though you store it in the ashtray of a cab. Just because you yourself detect no smell does not mean that you are the magic exception to the rule.
THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS.

For shame. Your sweetiepie should be nicely flavored of freshly showeredness, or at least Wet Wipedness. It should not smell or taste like whats' in that coffee can your Uncle keeps in his truck*. (Unless your partner also smokes/chews/tokes. In that case bust out the Mrs. Butterworths, try not to scare the horses, and skip down to 'Part Deaux: Hair'.)

Alcohol is fun and can lead to heavy petting, true, but it does tend to make your snatch smell like you douche with Muscatel.

Onions are to be avoided before a night spent taking turns on the lube rack-and I mean avoid them like you'd avoid Gary Glitters' application for a daycare license. Anything from the allium family, in fact...garlic, ramps, offramps, Dale Evans, her horse, chives, leeks, all that oniony type stuff. Don't. Eat. The. Onion.

And while I'm on the subject of aromas...
Sex, my darlings, jostles the lower torso.
This produces gas.
Farting cannot be avoided.
EXCESSIVE farting can.
Avoid farty foods. Simple.
So simple a caveman could do it.
(By the way, Beano really does work. It is a particular boon to vegetarian carpet munchers everywhere. God bless you, inventor of Beano. Your place in heaven is assured. )


Part Deaux: Hair
If you're picking pinecones out of it after you jog, for the love of God trim your pubic hair back. Likewise if people down at the pool keep calling you 'Buckwheat' and you aren't a little black kid, it's time to dig out the hand mirror and the scissors. Otherwise it's all part of the natural landscape.

However:
Face facts. You have a vagina. You cooze. When you get horny you cooze even more. In fact you cooze to a greater or lesser degree all the time; it's our automatic self-cleaning feature; like a Jenn-aire only without that barbecue deal on top with the really loud fan.

This means that you will and do develop dreadlocks, which is why you should always carry one of those travel-sized packets of Wet Wipes. Lifesaver? Oh. My. God. They fit right in the breast pocket of your Carharts with room to spare for the keys to your backhoe. No shit; it can save your entire evening when those unexpected 'away dates' occur. Otherwise, at least have a quick spritz under the bathroom faucet. Be extra stealthy and pat dry with the cuff of your Levi's (do not attempt if you're drunk or you'll end up in the tub. Never mind how I know that.) If no other choice presents itself use her mom's bathrobe. It's right there, see? Hanging behind the bathroom door? Be considerate; use the hem, not the sleeve.

Vigorous sweat-producing activity, like dancing, or skinning elk, will also leave your cooter with an unfortunate resemblance to a Jeri-Curl marinated Michael Jackson back in his 'Thriller' heyday. This is not a face you want to see in any situation but particularly NOT when you haul down some hot chick's drawers. (In fact you probably don't want to see any faces unless you invited company. Faces can indicate an obstetric emergency or the presence of a hithero unsuspected conjoined twin.)

Now, current fashion would seem to dictate the total eradication of pubic hair. If you feel that the nadir of sexy is to present with the hot body of an adult woman outfitted with the mons of a three year old child you are a sick dog and I do not want to know you; but of course, that is your choice and none of my business you creepy icky potty person.

But let's say you have what you feel are good reasons to keep the trails clear. Maybe you look as though you are transporting the decapitated head of Gene Shallit. Perhaps you have wandering bush that grows over the river, through the woods, down your thighs, and tickles the tops of your hiking boots.
Or perhaps you know that to occasionally rock the Mr. Bigglesworth look is an assurance of perpetual semi-arousal until the fur comes back in.

That's right.
It is a fact. No I am not lying.
It's SCIENCE.


In any case, if you must depilitate, suck it the fuck up and wax. Wax, wax wax.

Why wax?

Because cream depilitories have a tendency to not stay put. Believe me, if you happen to get even the tiniest particle onto your inner labial regions, or your barking starfish, or GOD FORBID the clitoris, you WILL REMEMBER IT. And you'll have time to recall it in detail because you'll have to soak your ass for a WHOLE WEEK in a Mr. Turtle pool full of icecubes, and that means time off from work, at least in this town.


Shave it? Those first few times- lemme tell you. Setting firmly aside for the moment the psychological sugarplums that putting a MANUAL razor in proximity to your tender parts will inevitably cause to dance in your head, using a blade, even an electric, even with lube, will leave Miss Kitty all red, irritated and bumpy for days afterward. This makes Marshal Dillon cry. It'll make you cry too. IT HURTS. Not in a good way. A burny, salty, bleedy way.

And as if that weren't inconvenient enough, once shaven, those little hairs grow back fast; why, I have no idea. Nature is said to abhor a vaccuum. Ask your mom (she's downstairs washing her robe.)

Tell you what, though, in what seems like a matter of hours everything will emerge all at once, SPRONG! in the form of #40 grit sandpaper.
Ok fine. If you 're smoothing Bondo, this might save you some cash. It could even earn you a raise if you use this method in a professional autobody setting. But if you're planning on having sexual relations you're both going to end up with bad razorburn in really inconvenient places.
It should be needless to point out that butt stubble isn't particularly attractive either. It is in fact decidedly grandfatherly in appearance and texture.
The last image your partner wants to have come to mind when she is munching your muffin is kissing her grandpa. And not the nice one, either; the skeezy Parkinsons' one who smells like horehound drops.

If you decide to go for the 'Ami James' look, then, for that first time I suggest you visit a competent salon. Yes, I am asking you to pay money to have a complete stranger daub creepy sticky axlegrease-looking hot crap all over your cringing poontang, slap a page of the Herald on top and then rip the bastards out by the roots in one brief hellish explosion of pain. Why: because it pleases me to imagine it. That, and the fact that it just might possibly be worth it in the end. So to speak.

THE GOOD NEWS: because you chose to wax, you won't see any regrowth of hair for weeks. Why? Because it is AFRAID. When it does return, it will come in fine and soft, not stickery.

THE BAD NEWS: Now you have to wait a few days before resuming sex. Or doing anything besides lying in front of a fan with your legs spread (have one of those Glade Scent-Story things going; this can attract gulls.)

Chances are you ain't gonna feel much like exposing your nethers to the public anyway, nethers which are asking you 'Why? Was I bad??' in a trembly little voice and will be for at least a day or so.

Trust me, your patience will pay off ; and I mean pay off like a Bally slot. What was once a weedy pasture full of discarded farm machinery is now pouty, bouncy, breezy-bare and almost supernaturally sensitive!
Don't believe it? Sit over the motor next time you ride Transit and just see if I'm not right.
Don't blame me if you miss your stop.

24 comments:

  1. Oh what a wonderful rerun. And since I'm new, it was new to me. I laughed so hard at this that my dog was worried. She thought I was hurt. Bless her wonderful gentle soul.

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  2. What is missing here? Hmmmm....

    Pics of you illustrating the process!

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  3. Bwahahaha...
    I'd forgotten how funny this was the first time round...
    Yeheh.
    I'm going to try it on my cat, though I fail to see why you'd want to sha- oh. OOOOh. I see. Yes. Well.
    * ahem *
    My cat's a boy. Maybe not.

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  4. I have exhausted myself from laughing, this is great stand up material.

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  5. Magnificent. But why don't Americans use that fine English word minge for ladies' down-there bits?

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  6. Come on girls its not rocket science .
    A good scrub with the toilet brush and keep that bush trimmed.
    Jeeeeez

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  7. Oh, this made me laugh and laugh and laugh. Marvellous bit of writing. I missed it first time around, too, so I'm glad I caught it this time.

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  8. Hee hee! Just as funny the second time around!

    What happened to your gig writing for the lesbo mag, anyway?

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  9. and i meant to say it was dead funny as well :-)

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  10. ummm, ummm... im so offened, was i not supposed to read it twice? i didnt want to miss anything... i remember breezing through a while back.. great post.

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  11. please DO NOT POST PICTURES ILLUSTRATING THE PROCESS. Or at least of YOU doing it. Oh jeebus.
    and what DID happen to writing for the Betty Pages...? Hm?

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  12. Hah! And you were worried about me wandering around in your ultra secret porn site--you forgot I survived this one the first time and here I am still on my feet after the second. I didn't swoon or even say, "Oh, my!"

    And waxing? If the existence of that doesn't prove we live in a misogynistic society, I don't know what does.

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  13. Lurrve this!

    It was even more informative, hilarious, and convincing after a second helping. When it comes to such matters, once is never enough.

    You are a Vagiant amongst mortals.
    I mean that in a metaphorically positive way..it's a compliment!

    OK Ok there is a band with that name but I just love the sound of it "VAGIANT" and I have been waitng for the chance to use it for weeks and here you handed it to me on a silver platter right down the middle of the plate.

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  14. Thanks for the humorous advice on Minge management.

    I'm obviously not as discerning as you when it comes to gusset gravy. For me there are only three flavors. Acidic, fish and fabulous.

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  15. words of wisdom, sugar! ;-)

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  16. i agree with oread. do NOT post pictures of you or anyone doing that.

    hilarious as usual. i shall have to copy and paste that to my sister. she has a wicked sense of humor too.

    beast - you do know what's good for the goose is good for the gander right?

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  17. First time around, I suggested this would be well-placed as a poster in the friendly neighbourhood clinic, So, is it? If not, why not. C'mon! There are girls out there whose mothers never told them.

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  18. Hmm, SSA puts out a good point, perhaps pictures with a follow the numbers thing might work better. But the word illustrations, um, ok.

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  19. ***waves pristine and extravagantly landscaped nether regions at Pinky****

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  20. *shudders in utter horror at beast*

    *runs and tells first nations on beast*

    *laughs b/c beast is soooo gonna get it now!!!!*

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  21. wahhh! This was the very post I stumbled upon that made me hit "SUBSCRIBE"!

    I can't imagine how it's nsfw, though, unless you read everything aloud, in which case you should be fired anyway, because how annoying.

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  22. *Perk* What ultra-secret porn site? Anyway, Every time I come visit Paul I learn things, and not stupid things, but actually important things. Thank you, FN!

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  23. This was hilarious. Very funny reading - you have a talent with words.

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  24. After doing some research online, I got my first e-cig kit at VaporFi.

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