Tuesday, March 04, 2008

The cleanest dirty post EVER! (as well as the usual swearing, which you will of course have come to expect by now.)

...and speaking of image and archetype!
yes, I know, the bounty of the internet has rendered the following information a bit dated. anyway, I wish someone would have told me this stuff; chances are I wouldn't have been such a nasty little cow.

I've been visiting a website primarily devoted to rants (yeah, Best of Craigslist.) One of the rants I come across most often-and I suspect it's all by the same woman- is usually a variation on the theme "Why in the hell can't men figure out how to screw?"
Gosh, it must just suck so bad to be so very, very bitchy and insensitive sophisticated and difficult to please, dahling.

Despite claims to the contrary, most men have not had a whole bunch of partners. Oh you know you haven't. Please. If they are kind, decent, hard-working men, that possibility becomes a probability. It could well be that the partners they have had were very inept or repressed. Or bitchy and insensitive very very sophisticated and difficult to please, say. Of course any given man might be an insensitive lout himself. Still, any woman who goes into a new sexual relationship and right off the bat starts whining about the sex needs to consider the fact that you have to cut people a certain amount of slack at first.

Luckily for you, I am here to set everything straight at last. And there'll be pictures too!

Anyone who's been to an art museum pretty much knows what to expect from the male of the species (nude, stone, deciduous.)Not so women. Not at ALL.
You can view the entire collection of Western Art on display in any major museum of the world...and I can guarantee that you will not fine one single representation of flying taco.

Womens' junk is mysterious. It's interior. Plus theres a 'surprise!' factor involved as well.

The packaging is cute and adorable!

The contents are...a kind term would be....DRAMATIC.

....each in it's own unique way.

You didn't know that? Go grab a hand mirror. I'll wait.

If you're the average young guy, all you've ever seen is mainstream porn-'tang (if that.) That's generally well-rested 'tang thats been lying around in nothing but a robe for a couple of hours, cooled with ice packs and combed and fluffed and plucked and shaven until it looks more like it should have a 'Precious Moments' tag on it.

Understandably then, those first few encounters with real 'tang that's been standing around all day wearing nylons has got to be quite a shock.

School? Please do not make me laugh; it puts strain on my ostomy site.
Come on. They don't show guys hi-res photographs of scarlet tuna in health class either, ladies; they get the same crap we did - drawings. Antiseptic medical renderings:

and then they go out in the real world and they see this:

...and that ain't got a 'Precious Moments' tag, Paco.

Perhaps you think I'm being too hard on Mr. Shallit here, but face it - if you're going to be totally honest with yourself you have to admit that fully deployed vag, even the cutest and palest, looks at best kind of like an eviscerated trout. And neither 'eviscerated' or 'trout' are images you want in your mind at that juncture but if you've done any fishing it's gonna crop up and that probably doesn't help either.

Furthermore, if theres been a lot of kissy smoochie going on prior to this point, this whole issue here to the right is going to come as something of an unexpected event as well.

Once again, ladies, guys DO NOT get this stuff in health class. They don't even show it in most mainstream porn. Even if they have some dim awareness of the dampening issue, they have no idea that they have to...that it was gonna be like....

oh shit, here:

and, just, yeah.

Second of all, guys figure - and its a logical assumption - that they can handle your parts with the same kind of devil-may-care insouciance they handle their own parts. This is WRONG, of course. But how in the hell are they supposed to know that? Their stuff is used to a certain amount of daily wear and tear because it STICKS OUT. I mean, come on; I've seen a guy actually tie his dong into a knot. Someone who's mastered that as a party trick is simply not going to have the same idea of what 'foreplay' means.

But once again, most men do NOT get this kind of detailed information. Remember, sex education in America is still about preventing people from having sex.
The instructors have to keep Johnny and Cindi's religious right parents happy and voting pro-education. Sex education isn't there to provide detailed instructions on how to fuck. It's there to show movies about blind babies and pregnant women with gonnorhea all the way up to their chin, and dicks turning into objects of crawling horror.
Pass the popcorn!

So what have we all done? Learned from looking at porn.

Yeah! Good idea! Because porn is ALL ABOUT real life, right?

If you've ever read any porn that was written by a straight man trying to assume a female character, you'll realize that they really have no clue whatsoever what it's like to own a vagina AT ALL. And how in the fuck WOULD they?

No two sets of parts could possibly be any more different. Every other part of our bodies is the same. Have you ever considered that? They have nipples (and boobs are just nipples with a lot of fat deposited around them, you know,) they have faces and livers and hair and toes. We share everything in common all the way down the line. The only parts that are dissimilar are the genitals..and BOY ARE THEY DISSIMILAR. You simply cannot cross that gap intellectually; its like trying to compare a sandwich and a helicopter.

We HAVE to communicate. After all, chances are that you don't know what you're doing EITHER. We HAVE to TEACH EACH OTHER. NICELY.
Stopping in the middle of the proceedings and snarling 'Oh my God, just forget it, ok?" IS NOT NICE. Neither is shoving, flumping, sighing dramatically, sarcasm; none of these things need to come into play at this time. It's abusive. It leaves a mark.

The only time you EVER get to go full on Prarie Bitch is when you run into the person who simply and steadfastly REFUSES TO FUCKING LEARN. I mean the type of person that either completely ignores all suggestions, or stops and gets all pouty when you politely and kindly make a suggestion or guide them to a place that feels better. That person can go step in front of a train. So can Mr. 'Losing it totally and acting like a chihuahua on meth'

...particularly when he tries to play it off as your fault for just being too damn sexy.

No, what it usually comes down to is this: most women are still trying to play the 'I wasn't taught to be a sexual being' card so they can avoid taking responsibility when things end up being less than perfect. That's weak. You better take some damn initiative and learn. You better know enough about yourself to teach someone else how to do the same things. If you can't do that then don't even DARE blame it on the man. It isn't his fault.

It's yours.


  1. you tell em FN :-)
    and make sure you mark up your G spot in black marker(with arrows)
    How the feck wesposed to find it otherwise

  2. For Beast we'll need a thick yellow highlighter and a flashing neon sign.

    Maybe some orange cones and a couple of flag people giving him the "go ahead" or the "stop" signal.

  3. That dip is making me hungry.

  4. Anonymous3:47 PM

    oh lord! oh lord! eeewww! gross! way too much information!!! well that's funny. omg, is that marge simpson?

    beast - like you'd know what to do with it once you found it.

  5. Whoa! That's one scary pudenda!

    Uh oh. You said use a hand mirror. Not a funhouse mirror.

    Back to square one.

  6. That deep fried dick recipe you had us click on?

    It calls for chipotle sauce.

    Chipotle should never be used near dick. Or pudenda.

    I know this now.

  7. Anonymous4:10 PM

    do they still teach sex education in public schools?

  8. i was so afraid when i clicked that link. i had no idea what to expect. the deep fried pickle recipe made me spray tea out my nose. very (uncharacteristically) tactful.

    when my best friend became engaged her senior year of college she (being raised catholic and still a virgin) did what any good college student would do and bought books on the subject. Being a virgin myself and only once having seen a man naked, I was fascinated by these books. One of them was "The Art of Tantric Sex." Now, i don't believe in chakras or chi or energy centers or any of this hogwash, but one thing in that book made an impression on me: it said "each partner is responsible for THEIR OWN pleasure." The message was that no one has the right to blame another for their lack of sexual pleasure. It's up to you to show and teach your partner what you like. I was impressed by that idea, and I never forgot it.

  9. ps. LOVE the photos of the dogs!

  10. You are such a sweetheart.

    I'm a great believer in talking. Open up and talk. People respect that. Knowing the fault and discussing ways around things is so much better that knowing somethings wrong, but you don't know what and don't know how to even begin fixing it.

  11. beast: um.....that isn't really going to, um, help, darling; it's
    oh never mind.

    mj: and I'm sure he'll appreciate the advance preparation, mj! be sure to put the 'Caution: Large Trucks Crossing' sign up next to your nightstand!

    billy: *fnar!* it's garlic aioli! I got the recipe when I ganked the image; you want it??

    pink: hey, Beast would do fine, as long as he was cautious and stood out of the way when the cement mixers were going by.

    mj: beep...beep...beep...beep...

    mj2: oh, thats not chipotle you're feeling baby; they call that 'The Bournemouth BURN!' Tssssss!

    pink: they fight it every election here, but somehow it still manages to stay on the curriculum...barely.

    cb: I am always totally fucking tactful. btw, you ever tried that '4 hour' thing?

    tick: exactly! and if you keep things light and imaginative it can notch thing up a few clicks too!

  12. LOL *snork*

    I have not any wit to add, but 50% of the partners I've "known" did not know their way to the bathroom, much less what "more to the left" meant. However, 49% were good at taking direction.

    Wondering about that last 1%? Believe it or not, he didn't need any schooling whatsoever. Good times.

  13. Yes ladies, help us out here. I still don't know what I'm doing, a little directin (well, maybe a lot) would be very helpful. Even a little 'no, not like that' and 'yes, that's it' kind of thing? Helpful, please.

  14. Is nothing sacred????
    Did you have to bring Salad Cream into it

    One of lifes innocent pleasures ,ie Salad Cream on hot buttered toast is now a minefield of conotations and seething sexuality. and smoked trout is def off the menu for polite dinner parties

  15. I've just slipped out a brown trout. Feel so much better.

  16. I agree with so much of this, especially the confounded male thing. I cannot tell you the number of my guy friends who bitch that their girlfriend or wife won't a) let them have the lights on, even or b) go down south. EVER. At all. No wonder prostitiution's still a booming cottage industry....heh heh.

  17. A++

    You have somehow managed to outdo yourself? You are so hilarious.
    I am laughing so hard...
    thanks for making me exnostrilcate my coffee and pee my pants.

    XX OO

  18. ummm. wtf? i mean it this time... i tried to read it backwards even... i dont get it? are there really guys ou there like that?

    turn the lights on! lets see ya in all your glory! lets have it your way!!!

    *finds himself with hands in pants and feeling a little dizzy*

  19. oooooooooohhhhhhhh! now i get it... i'm not supposed to tie you up with out asking first?

  20. I have to admit, I was very inexperienced up to 15 - when I knew where it was and what it was for (although at that stage, I still thought a vulva was a type of scandinavian car) and didn't really become 'worldly' until I joined the merchant navy. At that point I thought I'd seen it all when that thai woman who could fire pingpong balls across the room and smoke with it. (and blow smoke rings..)

    MJ was right, maybe those aircraft taxi-in paddle things would help direct to maximum effect

  21. There is nothing I love more than when you get all educational! And "Deep Frying for the Brave" is a site that deserves more research--thanks for the recommendation.

  22. omg, I forgot how good this blog was. Thank you FN for filling me with so much self-doubt - in fact that's it, I'm gonna give up shagging for good.
    I'm sitting here with my jaw dropped, wondering what it must be like to be able to write this stuff.
    Top Post FN - you have restored my faith in the art of blogging.

  23. You need a grant from the government, or perhaps your own talk show. At the very least get this printed off and start handing it out because this post is definitely a public service.
    Great (and hilarious) writing - as ever!

  24. where's my comment gone? I was about Himself and the familiar looking sundried tomato and I can't explain it all again!

  25. Hilarious post. Well, there is the part where women who act like they like sex, want to learn about sex, and want to have sex get insulted and demeaned for such behavior so they are socialized into adopting the "I'm a lady and I don't think about that" persona. That's a part of it. If every guy who wants to get action in the next decade would vow (hands on testicles, like the Romans did, to indicate the seriousness of the oath) to react to any woman indicating sexual interest, availability, or enthusiam with respect (regardless of whether the interest expressed was reciprocated) and not punish the woman for such interest or enthusiasm or availability, I think a lot more women would open up and discover not only how to light this candle but teach the men in their lives how to do the same.

    And the inability to follow directions as a gender stereotype doesn't work so well in this area. We're responsibility for our own bodies, but if we say "softer" or "harder" or "less fluttery" or "if you touch me there again in that namby-pamby way I'm going to debone you", it really would behoove the guy to listen up and take direction.

    Rant aside, hilarious and delightful post, as always (but then, even though you don't know me, you apparently know what I like).

  26. FN i have always been able to tell people how i want it without being too offensive...the last man i was with...was i have to say the most considerate lover ever...and damn but he could go for hours to make sure i was pleasured...only problem was every once in a while, i didn't want to go for hours, if you get my meaning and when i told him that...he adjusted quite well with a combo...it's always better to be honest in that situation and tell the person what you want...if not...you won't get it!

  27. Have you ever considered teaching sex ed? Really, I think it would be a money maker for you...I so enjoy your blog. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy all over, or maybe its the tequila. No no its the blog. But I would share my tequila if I could.

  28. I can't get past the salad cream.

    Something about that makes me want to cover my eyes.

  29. i was going to leave a comment but i couldn't think of anything to say that didn't make me sound like a raving nympho.

    so, we'll just leave it at:

    salad cream? urk.

  30. heh, its monday and the same post is still up... must have had a little too much salad cream this weekend eh?

  31. Anonymous5:43 AM

    I have read this post twice and I still didnt know what it was all about so I googled a few words... which is why I didn't comment till now as I got a bit distractamalated as your President might say!!

  32. w2: god bless that 1%. I met mine early on and he did a lot for the cause of men in general. here's to you, unsung 1%...your truth is marching on!

    joeVegas: this has been a public service announcement on behalf of nice men everywhere! some women need to pull their heads out and act normal.

    beast: you'd think it would have the opposite effect. i of course can continue in blissful ignorance since i have no real idea of what saladcream tastes like; im thinking 'miracle whip' but its all academic at this location in the sandwich galaxy.

    tick: I will alert the media.

    SSA: yeah, no kidding.from the popup ads i keep getting, a lot of those cottages are in Bow. why Bow? is Bow the secret sex capitol of the Northwest? is it on the interestion of some kind of sexual ley line network?? WHY BOW DEAR GOD WHY?

    Coppens: hell yeah. im here to assist in the exnostrilfication of all your hot beverages. Slainte, y'all!

    voices: you see, you're so used to reading about women bitching that when you run across one of us pleading on BEHALF of you guys you just cant get your brain around it. I understand. *lights bong hit for Voices* breathe deep the gathering gloom, homes.

    Mr Gaskin! hey you! can you imagine? i mean, CAN YOU IMAGINE? first of all, someone had entirely too much free time, and secondly...well, secondly the ability to blow smoke rings does kind of impress me. huh.

    dangerpanda: it looks like a good site, actually. but once again, too many people with too much free time. DEEP FRY A DAMN PICKLE? please people. no.

    tom909: thank you my darling! this was not meant to make you doubt; it was meant to make you stand up and be counted! i am man! need the info, dammit! but, just, mainly thank you *blush*

    hendrix: i will not berate you for your absence *snif* no will i pester you with demands for more more more of your incredible writing...*snif* no, i will merely say 'thank you' and *snif* just....
    *runs off sobbing*

    ziggi: FAMILIAR LOOKING SUN DRIED TOMATO?? come on. that was either an act of extradorinary mercy on behalf of the VALIS or...come on, don't think you can just toss out an image like 'familiar looking sun dried tomato' and just LEAVE IT AT THAT!!!!!

    foilwoman: the aluminum archangel of action speaks! how you been chickie????? yeah, thats a part of it, and particularly for our generation. definitely was the case when i was starting out. but there comes a time when you gotta figure that the whole 'nice girl' image is pretty much moot; when someone has their face in the place already, your 'nice girl' shtick is pretty much played, you know?


    gale: hey, you're supposed to be in mexico! go vacation! don't be here! go vacation! have fun! i command it! (thanks for the tequila *slurp*)

    awa: i don't think we have it in America. don't be afraid. really. and the stuff on the french fry is garlic aioli. *coaxes awa out from behind sofa with a mortadella*

    surly: anything you had to comment after having read what this raging nympho just wrote would be kind of...not as nympo-y by virtue of comparison.
    hey! wait! come back! hey!

    voices: keep your filthy double entendres to yourself, sirrah. *quickly closes 3 windows on browser* you have offended my delicate sensibilities.

    mr. the dog: yet another man completely bemused by the fact that there is one feminist in the world who is NOT blaming everything on men! YOU ARE LOVED HERE!

  33. Anonymous2:13 AM

    I am the only feminist I know ...

  34. FN: Of course, you're right, but getting to that place is not an easy journey given the limits and constrainst our society places on female sexuality. And the punishment our society (and many societies) dole out for actually exercising that sexuality.

    Oh, and I'm doing fine, even better with the great new handle you've given me. I hope you don't mind me using the "aluminum archangel of action" tag? Let me know if you do, but I just love me some alliteration.

  35. Brilliant! This is the best sex ed lesson EVER! The ubiquitous 'they' should make this required reading for every man and woman who desires to have sex. Really excellent!

  36. fanfrickingtastic3:20 PM

    Hilarious. I feel so much more sensitive to men's needs (and/or ineptitudes) now. Maybe I'll stop hating on them so much. <3

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