The cleanest dirty post EVER! (as well as the usual swearing, which you will of course have come to expect by now.)

...and speaking of image and archetype!
yes, I know, the bounty of the internet has rendered the following information a bit dated. anyway, I wish someone would have told me this stuff; chances are I wouldn't have been such a nasty little cow._____________
I've been visiting a website primarily devoted to rants (yeah, Best of Craigslist.) One of the rants I come across most often-and I suspect it's all by the same woman- is usually a variation on the theme "Why in the hell can't men figure out how to screw?"
Gosh, it must just suck so bad to be so very, very bitchy and insensitive sophisticated and difficult to please, dahling.

Despite claims to the contrary, most men have not had a whole bunch of partners. Oh you know you haven't. Please. If they are kind, decent, hard-working men, that possibility becomes a probability. It could well be that the partners they have had were very inept or repressed. Or bitchy and insensitive very very sophisticated and difficult to please, say. Of course any given man might be an insensitive lout himself. Still, any woman who goes into a new sexual relationship and right off the bat starts whining about the sex needs to consider the fact that you have to cut people a certain amount of slack at first.

Luckily for you, I am here to set everything straight at last. And there'll be pictures too!

Anyone who's been to an art museum pretty much knows what to expect from the male of the species (nude, stone, deciduous.)Not so women. Not at ALL.
You can view the entire collection of Western Art on display in any major museum of the world...and I can guarantee that you will not fine one single representation of flying taco.

Womens' junk is mysterious. It's interior. Plus theres a 'surprise!' factor involved as well.

The packaging is cute and adorable!

The contents are...a kind term would be....DRAMATIC.




....each in it's own unique way.



You didn't know that? Go grab a hand mirror. I'll wait.

If you're the average young guy, all you've ever seen is mainstream porn-'tang (if that.) That's generally well-rested 'tang thats been lying around in nothing but a robe for a couple of hours, cooled with ice packs and combed and fluffed and plucked and shaven until it looks more like it should have a 'Precious Moments' tag on it.






Understandably then, those first few encounters with real 'tang that's been standing around all day wearing nylons has got to be quite a shock.



School? Please do not make me laugh; it puts strain on my ostomy site.
Come on. They don't show guys hi-res photographs of scarlet tuna in health class either, ladies; they get the same crap we did - drawings. Antiseptic medical renderings:


and then they go out in the real world and they see this:


...and that ain't got a 'Precious Moments' tag, Paco.

Perhaps you think I'm being too hard on Mr. Shallit here, but face it - if you're going to be totally honest with yourself you have to admit that fully deployed vag, even the cutest and palest, looks at best kind of like an eviscerated trout. And neither 'eviscerated' or 'trout' are images you want in your mind at that juncture but if you've done any fishing it's gonna crop up and that probably doesn't help either.




Furthermore, if theres been a lot of kissy smoochie going on prior to this point, this whole issue here to the right is going to come as something of an unexpected event as well.









Once again, ladies, guys DO NOT get this stuff in health class. They don't even show it in most mainstream porn. Even if they have some dim awareness of the dampening issue, they have no idea that they have to...that it was gonna be like....




oh shit, here:




and, just, yeah.

Second of all, guys figure - and its a logical assumption - that they can handle your parts with the same kind of devil-may-care insouciance they handle their own parts. This is WRONG, of course. But how in the hell are they supposed to know that? Their stuff is used to a certain amount of daily wear and tear because it STICKS OUT. I mean, come on; I've seen a guy actually tie his dong into a knot. Someone who's mastered that as a party trick is simply not going to have the same idea of what 'foreplay' means.

But once again, most men do NOT get this kind of detailed information. Remember, sex education in America is still about preventing people from having sex.
The instructors have to keep Johnny and Cindi's religious right parents happy and voting pro-education. Sex education isn't there to provide detailed instructions on how to fuck. It's there to show movies about blind babies and pregnant women with gonnorhea all the way up to their chin, and dicks turning into objects of crawling horror.
Pass the popcorn!

So what have we all done? Learned from looking at porn.

Yeah! Good idea! Because porn is ALL ABOUT real life, right?



If you've ever read any porn that was written by a straight man trying to assume a female character, you'll realize that they really have no clue whatsoever what it's like to own a vagina AT ALL. And how in the fuck WOULD they?

No two sets of parts could possibly be any more different. Every other part of our bodies is the same. Have you ever considered that? They have nipples (and boobs are just nipples with a lot of fat deposited around them, you know,) they have faces and livers and hair and toes. We share everything in common all the way down the line. The only parts that are dissimilar are the genitals..and BOY ARE THEY DISSIMILAR. You simply cannot cross that gap intellectually; its like trying to compare a sandwich and a helicopter.




We HAVE to communicate. After all, chances are that you don't know what you're doing EITHER. We HAVE to TEACH EACH OTHER. NICELY.
Stopping in the middle of the proceedings and snarling 'Oh my God, just forget it, ok?" IS NOT NICE. Neither is shoving, flumping, sighing dramatically, sarcasm; none of these things need to come into play at this time. It's abusive. It leaves a mark.



The only time you EVER get to go full on Prarie Bitch is when you run into the person who simply and steadfastly REFUSES TO FUCKING LEARN. I mean the type of person that either completely ignores all suggestions, or stops and gets all pouty when you politely and kindly make a suggestion or guide them to a place that feels better. That person can go step in front of a train. So can Mr. 'Losing it totally and acting like a chihuahua on meth'

...particularly when he tries to play it off as your fault for just being too damn sexy.

No, what it usually comes down to is this: most women are still trying to play the 'I wasn't taught to be a sexual being' card so they can avoid taking responsibility when things end up being less than perfect. That's weak. You better take some damn initiative and learn. You better know enough about yourself to teach someone else how to do the same things. If you can't do that then don't even DARE blame it on the man. It isn't his fault.


It's yours.