Wednesday, March 12, 2008

die, two-wheeled SLIME : updated!

(..except for SOPWITH CAMEL. but the rest of you, yeah. OK fine and BEAST too. Jesus H. Christ already.)


A bicycle is not a car.

No, really, a bicycle is NOT a car. It isn't! Really it isn't! Honest to God.

That is why they have BICYCLE LANES. Perhaps you've noticed them. It's the lane over there to the right of the cars going by, and it has PICTURES OF BICYCLES painted on it, as well as the helpful phrase: 'BICYCLE LANE - BICYCLES ONLY'
You, on the bicycle, are supposed to ride in the BICYCLE LANE.
We, in the cars and trucks, drive in the TRAFFIC LANES.
If there is no bicycle lane, DON'T RIDE YOUR FUCKING BIKE THERE.

Oh, see, now you're getting that smirky look on your face. YOU are a skilled and safe bicyclist.
Uh huh.
Thats why I've never seen one of you hesitate to run a light, or cop a glide off my truck by grabbing on to one of the stake pockets.

That must also be why you ride FOUR FUCKING ABREAST in the middle of the lane, chatting, passing your sports bottles, admiring each others heat rash ON CHUCKANUT DRIVE.

View Larger Map
...what they say it looks like

...what it ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE. oh hell yes. click for big. you'll see.


Yes, go ahead and yell things after me for DARING TO DRIVE A CAR on your road! Aw, did I pass you too close? Perhaps that's because there are no shoulders on this stretch of road, just a sheer drop-off down to Puget Sound on one side and a SOLID FUCKING MOUNTAIN shooting straight up off the ONCOMING SIDE. And then there's that whole issue of you RIDING FOUR ABREAST IN MY LANE thing.

You're breaking the LAW, DIPSHITS.

But still you claim your right to join the flow of traffic! YOU can maintain posted speed limits due to your SUPERIOR HEALTH! BECAUSE YOU BICYCLE! ALL OVER THE PLACE! NO CARS! CARS ARE BAD! EVIL EVIL CARS! AND BECAUSE YOU BICYCLE YOU ARE A VIRTUAL GOD OF RADIANT SUPER HEALTHINESS!

No! No, You are SELF DELUDED, you fucking moron.

BICYCLISTS CAN NOT MAINTAIN MINIMAL TRAFFIC SPEEDS FOR A SAFE OR SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF TIME. Its simply a fact; you are human powered. Not even Lance 'No Spare' Armstrong can maintain a steady 35 mph....or even 20mph. Not even cheetahs can do that.
Maybe a Klingon could.* But you, my friend, are no Klingon.

For instance, it takes me, driving my Environmental Rapemaster 250, less that half a city block to get up to road speed from a standing stop. Can you say the same? You can not. Consequently you cause TRAFFIC PILEUP, which is a situation where lots of cars have to slow down to a dinosaur burning idle while your lycra clad ass is fiddlefarting along 'saving the planet'.

I may also blithely toodle along and ignore with impunity flying bits of gravel, large and small insects, wayward birds, smaller dogs, cats and possums... you see where I am going with this? You catch a piece of gravel and its another story ENTIRELY. There are enough hazards out on the road. I do not need you freaking out and crashing just because a fricken' BEE hit you. The frame of your bike is really hard on my tires and you make that dismaying 'whumpwhump' sound as your body passes beneath my car.

You simply DO NOT GET TO RIDE IN THE SAME LANE AS A CAR. You don't get to do it in town and you don't get to do it in the country, either.

Again: Let me direct your attention to the big ol' solid stripes painted along the margins of most country roads out here, and the simplistically rendered image of a BICYCLE every few feet....? THAT MARKS THE BICYCLE LANE. That is a special lane we as taxpayers have designated as a BICYCLES ONLY lane for special people like you who ride bicycles! THAT is the lane where your shiny spandex butt belongs!

From there you may mock me from the moral high ground of your Alsop Carbon Suspension! Jeer me as you pedal down lifes' highway with your unfortunately dark and prominent butthole perched right at eye level, a butthole which is clearly visible through the fabric of your shorts, a
butthole which is winking and gurning furiously at me like Satans Own Rear Indicator Light as
you pedal briskly along.

Oh, you didn't know that?

Yeah, weird thing about stretch fabrics; even if they're on the thick side, or a dark color? When the light hits them right they're transparent. Now sometimes that's not a bad thing, I'll admit...then again, Dark Poochy-Outie Butthole Man Peddling To Beat 60 In Low Gear, sometimes it IS.

Riding a bicycle does not automatically render you, Bicycle Rider, morally superior to me in my car IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER.

No, I realize that you think it does, and you'll pardon me while I go grab another pantyliner out of the stack because I'm really cracking up here. I am. Honestly, you are saving the earth, Mr. Bicycle Rider? Single handedly? You there rigged out in 1500.00 worth of shiny petrochemical riding gear? THANK YOU MR. BICYCLE MAN.


Bicyclists of Whatcom, Skagit, and particularly Island Counties, I hate to break it to you, but you are in large part morons. You are.

First of all, you are easy targets. SUCH easy targets. I am driving an enclosed vehicle that can go fast, and I have a baseball bat on the seat next to me. You are perched atop 5$ worth of low-grade aluminum and you're sucking Vitamin Water out of a container with a nipple on it. Still, you did insist on whizzing up alongside me ON THE CENTER LINE and then getting pissed off because I didn't see you when I made that left turn I WAS SIGNALLING. Mr. Bicycle Man, it is probably best that you not ever kick my drivers' side door and call me a stupid bitch again, sweetheart. You remember what happened last time? We saw a lot of downtown Bellingham that day, didn't we? Amazing the places a truck can squeeze into, isn't it?

Secondly, you spend ENORMOUS dollar amounts on equipment and accessories that do nothing but provide a substandard means of elementary transportation at best. Now, bicycling as recreation; as a sport, even as a means of local neighborhood conveyance, all good and sane uses of the bicycle. As a primary means of daily transportation through midtown traffic? HAULING AN INFANT IN A TRAILER?? NO.

Thirdly, you dress like a bunch of gimps.

No really, did they see you coming or what? Do you really believe that wearing a helmet shaped like Aliens' head is really shearing seconds off your time? Lycra, bucko? SHINY LYCRA? And do you honestly spend so much time at speeds in excess of sanity that you need to wear those stupid shoes that look like decapitated flamingo heads? You REALLY NEED AERODYNAMIC FOOTWEAR?? OH MY GOD GUESS WHAT ME TOO!!!!!!!
Yeah, I love it when y'all try to walk in those things.

Wait; I need another pantiliner. Ok.

Fourth, that 'virtuous by merit of my extraordinary athleticism' act you all put on. Seriously.
You come whirring in to a wayside. You hoist ass off the seat, which is invariably slick with ass-sluiced perspiration. Groan dramatically. Heave your trembling leg over, and hunker off bent over like a 90 year old lady, staggering and clattering along on your ridiculous plastic shoes with your knees as far apart as they can go. If male, you then yank down the front of your shiny shorts and out flops the Little Bicyclist for a pee. You stand there panting, trembling and sweating, apparently too much the focused athlete to bother with petty things like, oh, facing away, or going the extra few steps to the restroom. Finally you collapse backward onto the grass in your Cirque Du Soleil outfit and make everyone step over you. Yes, hail the conquering hero, all conspicuously worn out from your self-inflicted, earth-saving recreational exertions.

Please fuck off.

Fifth, hubris means nothing when you weigh 98 lbs and you've just crossed the Pass. Yeah, thats right, you had to post 'Warning: such and such tavern UNFRIENDLY to bicyclists!' on the Best of Whatcom site because you rolled in smelling like a woolly mammoth and tried to run your 'make way' arrogant bullshit past people on MOTORCYCLES.

Wow, did you mis-read that cue, huh?

When the banner out front says 'Biker friendly' it means 'Motorcyclists', darling, not 'Naturopaths and Vegans in Spandex'. I can hardly imagine why y'all need to stop at a tavern in the first place; I've never seen one of you dipshits finish a beer, you just swill it around in your mouths and then spit it out like Mohammad Ali between rounds. I'm not real clear on what that's supposed to convey. Still. Wow. Spitting, huh?

Heres a clue: If you're going to patronize an establishment where a significant number of the clientele have assault charges pending and you swagger in dressed like an extra from Xanadu, or Rollerboogie, it's a safe bet you're going to get a certain amount of hassle. Yes, we all saw you summiting Stevens Pass a few miles back, crimson and puffing, sweating like an undercover terrorist confronting a pulled pork sandwich. Still, nobody here is impressed by that.

You know why? Because WE'RE NOT.


* of course I admit that if I saw a Klingon in spandex riding a mountain bike in traffic I would allow the fucker all the searoom he wanted just on general principle. Ride Safe, K'rathNg.



I may cry.


  1. YO! I AM TOTALLY FUCKING WITH YOU!!! more to follow, i have to send some people here... i'll be back!


    ****Has a fit of klingon invective***
    ***With hand signals***

    All this becuase i got a bike

    ***waves lycra clad ass at FN***

  3. You do NOT belong on the sidewalk either! Especially since you ran down and killed my mother's friend.

    Pantyliners are on sale this week at Shoppers Drug Mart.

    Beast, please control your arse-swaying. I can't see past you and it's creating a traffic hazard.

  4. voices: spread the word. GO FORTH MY SON AND DELIVER MY MESSAGE TO THE PEOPLE!!!!

    Beast: ok alright already, sheesh. you got the damn bicycle at the wrong time; is this my fault? guilty conscience or something? holy guacamole.*slinks off*

    mj: dang, really? that sucks and blows simultaneously. and let him wave his hine. you're just jealous because he aint waving it over at your place! HA!!!!!

  5. Oh yeah? He's waved his hine over at mine and waved it buck nekkid ... using it as a fruit basket! You must have missed that episode.

    And furthermore, I've sniffed his bicycle saddle.

  6. mj: you're addled. that was not BEAST. that was an ERSATZ beastbutt. the giveaway? the BANANA.
    Beast prefers a chickenleg. *runs*

  7. Only having one leg I can only roll doon hills on my bike, thanks for reminding me. Also cycles were here FIRST so the rest of you motorised scum should make way if you see me on a bone rattler or in a bus, Klingons are cunts and itch like fuck.

  8. The give away was the Beast NEVER wastes food , was I the only person who was horrified by the fridge scene in 9 1/2 weeks .
    1.What a criminal waste of good food
    2.Who was gonna clean up the friggin mess

    me thats who.....grrrrrrrrrr

  9. and you so cant see my butthole thru my cycle shorts becuase there is a big old lump of chamios leather in the way.

    and I didnt run down MJ's mother friend of the pavement and kill her

    ***pedals off in huff***

  10. hah, sent some of my nonblogging friends over here to comment but yer anti-anon filter shit zapped em... anyways, this is some funny ass shit, we have them on our stretch of highway, where they fucking ADVERTISE that its bike friendly. no bike path, no gaurd rails and bi-weekly fatalities... yeah, cmon down and meet a local who favors bike races on our highway... great post.

  11. ****pedals back***

    Now I have been updated and put in the excused list , I hate all other cyclists as well (Except sopwith camel of course)

  12. FN: I just want to know -- where's the bicyclist's* body? And what did you do to the scrawny little guy first?

    *NOT biker's, I picked up that cue.

  13. knudie: but i see two legs th

    beast: pass the butter.

    beastDEAUX: that guilty conscience is really eating away at you isn't it.

    voices: hey, ill take down the anonymous thing. send'em back!

    beast: have a chicken leg.

    foilwoman: all that happened was he came shoving in with his 'make way for the serious athlete' macho attitude wearing his shiny black and red unitard and got laughed at, is all. which sent him storming back outside where he called someone on his cellphone and screamed at them. then a guy went out and kicked through his sporty, which had straight pipes, and that put a kibosh on the phone call so he kind of rode away screaming and cursing. if you're going to run around dressed like an escapee from neverland ranch you probably need a better sense of humor than that.

  14. The locations were changed but the story is the same. The knotheads of 2 wheels riding on hill road across Ada county make my ass ache. I have seen people come to fisticuffs because of the lack of good manners (on the cyclists parts). Hate 'em wish they would all fall in a creek.

  15. No motorists ever avoid driving in the cycle lanes over here.

  16. Bicyclists on highways, city streets, and the like can suck a big fat fucking one. Neighborhoods, parks, trails, that's where they belong. Except those fuckers are RUDE on trails, Squid almost always gets run over by some Newly-Washingtonian Uber Outdoorsman on some hunk of recycled pop can, racing through the forest as fast as he can. Fucking assholes, all of them. ESPECIALLY the commuters.

  17. And what about the little kiddies, riding to and from school...on EITHER side of the damn' road. Couldn't believe it when we moved to this town. Cyclists just ride anywhere!(They are supposed to be governed by the same traffic rules,in this country, drive/ride on the left.)We do have cycle lanes in some places, but they aren't wide enough for 4 abreast!
    Oh, and while I'm the heck is a silly little styrofoam cap going to protect you when you hit the tarmac?

  18. Life is cruel
    I buy a bike and instantly become a figure of hate accross three continents

    I know how Paris Hilton feels now

  19. "It's the lane over there to the right of the cars going by..." Imagine what a fucking menace the two-wheelers are over here! The rest of us at least manage to drive on the left.
    Cyclists like to think they are being "green" by taking to their tubular steel wankrollers. The rest of us should, therefore, help them in their green ambitions - and drive them into the ground to fertilise the land.

  20. I just won't bother going out anymore anywhere at all.

    It's all Beast's fault.

  21. Pssh.
    I am a commuter cyclists.
    I don't do it for fun or pleasure, I do it to get from A to B in a short time without spending my hard earned cash on the horrible bus service.
    I wear whatever my street clothes happen to be, and go at a pace which means I am reasonably not smelly and disgusting.
    I wear a helmet so that fuckin PC Plod doesn't think it's funny to whack me with a fifty dollar fine I can't afford.
    I hate Lycra Monkeys. Bloody things. They go too fast and are really smug at you when you're bimbling along.
    And they take up all the road and give commuter cyclists a bad name.

  22. I rarely ever see cyclists in Coquille, perhaps because we have plenty of steep winding streets, or the meth heads stole all the bikes, or they don't like riding in the rain. Hmmm,last one is probably the reason...yep.

  23. gale: boy, they sure love that panhandle area, too! bicyclists and wheat, least the wheat was well mannered.

    tick: they tend to use it as an alternative passing/breakdown lane here, too. why not?all the fricken' riders are out on the damn street anyway!

    ssa: were you in the car with us when we saw butthole man? on old samish parkway? i know i was riding shotgun. and do you remember the guy who kicked the door of my truck? you WERE in the truck that time, up behind in that neighborhood where BGO is. i am such a good example...

    dinah: believe it or not it does work. it has to do with the shape of the skull and the way it distributes force. a helmet is made to simply take the worst initial shock of impact..even rolled up newswpaper would work. they're only meant for one use, though...after a serious impact you have to buy a new one. helmets are a GOOD thing.

    beast: have another chicken leg.

    reg: but i've actually heard bicyclists here slag off uk bicyclists for being 'too mannerly' and 'not riding aggressively'. crap! don't shatter my illusions!

    mj: and wear that tinfoil hat too.

    noshit: you see? you're fine. perfectly fine. thats exactly what you're supposed to do. well done!:)

    retro: Coquille is in the hilly part, isn't it? Tillamook used to be almost impassibly choked with them in the summer. i guess it's still a nightmare up around Lincoln City and Seaside, though.

  24. um, i hate to disagree with you, but cyclists are required to use the road, regardless of whether or not there is a lane specially marked. it is illegal for cyclists to use the sidewalk, and they do, in fact, have a right to use any road they choose.

    now, i'm not saying that riding 4 a-breast is ok, it's not. cyclists have to obey the same traffic laws as cars. it may also be fairly stupid to cycle at all on the particular road you mention, but that doesn't mean they don't have a right to be there.

    i cycle over 200 miles a week. i use roads. i HAVE to. i don't own a car; my car IS my bike.

  25. well there ya go. and if someone is willing and able to use the rules of the road, more power. i was under the impression that here in washington state you had to use a designated lane or stay off the street but i've been wrong before. now i gotta go check!

  26. -checked. You were right, i was WRONG about the lane issue.
    i still maintain my opinion, though. the safe, law-abiding bicyclist is the RARE EXCEPTION to the rule here. I'm not joking. people vacationing here still think we're nothing but a few log cabins and some teepees and they get really miffy when that turns out not to be so. Doesn't stop them from riding as if the road were supposed to be deser4ted, though.there is a general disregard for this
    statute in particular. on a rural access only route this can be dangerous, but on the notorious Chuckanut Drive it can be and is often deadly! once again, as long as people can and DO follow the rules of the road, fine. but no blocking the whole road! no riding in large groups without a permit, a marked route or a road captain front and rear! and no slapping my car, kicking my door, copping a glide off my vehicle, running lights, throwing water bottles, hauling infants, items of furniture or small farm animals (yes!) in traffic on a damn bicycle! it just aint safe!

  27. Hurrah , gather round CB and No shit we can huddle together for saftey and warmth against the non cycling hordes.

  28. Hur hur, she said 'a breast'.

  29. cb - No, they really, really, really do not have a right to be there if they like living. Neither do motorcycles, large trucks,'s a very fucking dangerous road! I'm scared to drive it in rain, fog, frost, mildly overcast weather, wind (oh god ESPECIALLY wind)... you get the idea. If you've ever been to the Pacific Coast of the US you know what I mean, it's very typical of that highway style. Scary as hell, no guardrails built since the WPA, and dangerous as all fuck.
    Maybe google search an image? Washington is not good for bicyclists, except maybe in tourist towns.

  30. I'm ALL for bike lanes! problem is, the concept is fairly new in relation to road infrastructure, and they just haven't been added to most roads yet, and probably won't be for several decades. But on the blessed rare occasion that there IS a bike lane, it's wonderful. I know where I'm supposed to be, the cars know where they're supposed to be, and we all live happily ever after.

    Here in the UK you often find roads where there is a bike lane that abruptly stops. Just ends, for no reason. You're going along all lah-di-dah, and then... nothing. So you carry on, in the street, and then the bike lane magically re-appears 200 feet later. And then disappears again. And reappears. It's fecking odd, i tell you.

  31. FN - I plead ignorance. I don't know what a 'HOG ROCKERS' is. come back to my blog and explain. If it is the patch and pin they send. I plan on gluing the patch to my suitcase.

  32. Maybe you can rig a hockie stick or something to swing out on the passenger side and whap those guys as you pass them (if you ever get to). Have it embossed 'Dipshit' so it leaves a nice welt.

  33. Anonymous8:27 PM

    bicyclers are all over college towns. i swear, i'm glad i don't live in one any longer cause i'd so side-swipe one of those little morons. they think they're so untouchable.

    i hate people who stop in the middle of the road to talk too.

    p.s. i'm now blind from all this talk of beast's naked booty.

  34. hendrix3:32 AM

    First thing I'd like to make clear is that I don't drive.
    Second thing I'd like to make clear is that I hate cyclists. Yes, there may be some who have actually read the Highway code and understand how it applies to them. There may even be some who wear light reflective clothing and (shock horror!) bother to fit a light to their bike and use it when it's dark, but I've never seen one. Instead, they swerve all over the place, refuse to use hand signals and completely ignore such things as traffic lights and pelican crossings. Then, when it finally gets too much for them they just ride on the pavement and scream abuse at you when you don't get out of the way quick enough. I'd just to make it quite clear that (as has happened a couple of times in the past couple of years)if you nearly ride me down then my adrenaline levels will rise and when you start screaming your tirade at me - I will slap you. London was bad for this, Edinburgh is ten times worse.
    Put cycle lanes on all the roads by all means, bring back the cycling proficiency test and fine the bloody users who don't stick to it.

  35. Anonymous1:22 PM

    I almost T boned a fucking moron this morning that decided that he was going to make a right turn from the left lane right in front of me on his little bike and when I was in the TURN LANE with a green light. I honked at him to let him know he almost died he started calling me names. If you don't have a motor and or a license plate GET OFF THE FUCKING ROAD!