Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Scarlet Ibis: The Hundred Flowers Blooming Ploy!

1. AND SO IT CAME TO PASS that the Stainless Steel Amazon, the Goonybird and FirstNations packed up their smalls and set forth upon the avenues which lead South in those days.

2. After many adventures (primarily at gas stations where they have an attendant that fills the tank for you because its illegal to pump your own damn gasoline in Oregon) we arrived at my sons' house where we were met by a flourish of trumpets! A golden palanquin carried by four ripply fellows burnished to a high shine conveyed us in regal state from our car to the front door! Except not really!

3. Once within the charming inner precincts we found ourselves surrounded by luxury...long-staple cottons, candlelight, a rockin' sectional that I let the baby urp up on...vast machines covered in pushybuttons given wholly unto the washing and drying of garments, hand-laid solid oaken floors bright with Varathane which smiled upon our feet and bade us rest.

4. As we reclined, fanned by comely, doe-eyed boys having just reached the first bloom of early manhood, we


%. The final traces of our travel-weariness was banished then as rare delicacies were pressed upon us with the tenderest entreaty...burritos of the utmost perfection, shy and trembling, newly born; burritos which were both excellent and snacksome to the face.

6. Exhausted, we then laid our heads to rest. The rest of us we also did rest in those days.

G. Upon the rising of the sun we then breakfasted us with coffee darker than the heart of a lifelong Republican, waffles topped with strawberries, whipping cream that I singlehandedly demolished in four days' time like a vast whipping cream-devouring space-time anomaly, succulent bacon upon which all Suidae smiled benevolently and bade us refresh ourselves like that animal in the Restaurant at the End of the Universe but not icky plus the bacon didn't talk.. and there was much rejoicing!

8. So it was that The First-Born, favored of Sucellos, together with She The Magnificent, Beauteous, Beneficent and Unruffled his consort who should really have the good taste to be a little less slim and good looking after three kids I mean COME ON, showered us with abundance....brilliant conversation, pictures zoetropically arranged so as to give the illusion of movement, cunningly home brewed beverages flavored like citrus and autumn...guitar music, cilantro, garlic and wine. Our miniature yet perfectly formed descendants played about our feet and only occasionally regurgitated. Even the dogs strode godlike through the halls, clothed in nature, shod with glory, inasmuch as dogs can be described as shod, which is to say, not at all.

9. For my delight the same Firstborn must surely have bidden Persephone rise up; leave her Stygian, if not aphotic, throne and dance newly clad in forsythia, cherry and asphodel, solely for my amusement on that very morning. It was both surreal and Disneyesque, and it still makes my heart pause.

10. Well breakfasted, I then bade my son take command of the trusty Heefalump Dumpaloon Mach III! Yes, the road was our horse and we used the spurs! Rather the car was like a horse if a horse ran on gasoline, and we drove on the road, and there were no spurs, although there are a lot of cowboys in Oregon, and some of them are gay and some are straight! Yet we saw them not in those days.

11. We halted in our progress to view those precincts over which my son had been made lord and charged with bidding those who toil and that which grew to attend each its separate task and mind it well. While he drug a smaller piece of heavy equipment out of the mire with a much larger piece of heavy equipment, (same rearing back in internally combusting exuberance and causing me to look away and think determinedly happy thoughts for a few moments) I surveyed the bounty of this garden and found its verdure good; both rad and awesome, as are random italics.

12. As is my wont then, I cast a critical eye over the plants which grew in that place, particularly those that were stressed...those plants growing at the end of rows next to the road where the sprayers turn and the tractors tract? FOR IT IS SAID: By the weakest of them shall ye truly know the temper of them all: and they was wickedbad. Awesome. Top of the line. Except for the ones that got run over.

13. Tenacious grasses grasped the earth for roadways between the plots in that place; cover crops covered where crops had been and would be again, those same fully grown or newly sprung, noiselessly, in that place. In the distance a lone peacock sang: YALP.

14. Mommy was PLEASED.

15. I will speak now of a wonder! Draw near: There were mated pairs of redtail hawks flourishing in the streamside brush which ran between and beside his gardens.

16. In a commercial nursery.

17. That's MIRACULOUS.

18. That ain't the way Oregon used to be, kids. It used to be a pesticide-drenched silent nightmare. Birds of prey were rare. You never, never saw them anyplace near human habitation; you had to be quite far out into the backwoods, and even there they were scarce; because those that were not poisoned were routinely shot.

19. But in my sons' gardens? Eagles soaring overhead. (Beavers and Cesnas too.) Redtails in nesting pairs. AND FALCONIDS-! The entire species was essentially WIPED OUT in Oregon by the 70's! (Go check it out. And read the whole article.)
This then also as well too been was the playground of the sparrow and the parkland of the jay, o'er which the robin flew and the chicken picked while the feral pheasant phezzed. Small bright falcons perched upon the high-tension lines like Egyptian amulets, while their larger cousins darted low and then swept on high while the swallow dipped and dodged. The plaintive "gronk" of the lovelorn heron, the voice of the Redwing, the call of the flying rat pigeon were heard throughout the land. Anderi, columbi, falconi, galli, grui, passeri: all these I saw been representin'.

19. And were this not miracle enow, one could hear frogs singing in the creeks which ran past.


20. One of the most environmentally reactive, vulnerable creatures in nature, the one which environmental scientists use as an indicator species re the pollution in any given place. And here they were bouncing around in the sunshine in the middle of my son's in-ground operation.

You want your 'stewards of the earth'?
MY SON, bitches.

21. I asked him then: "Dude, you up for a road trip?"
"Sure," he replied. "I got nothin goin. Where ya wanna go?" ( our conversation recounted here in the charming patois of the natives.)

V. And it followed then that we set forth to visit my deceased Grandmother, but were defeated in this objective by the malign Clackamas County Public Lands department who had locked the gate to the cemetery (and had erected a fence around same, which yet failed to include nearly one fourth of the inhabitants thereof!) Therefore we were not able to visit this monument, yet also was my firstborn spared the excruciating, inevitable ordeal of witnessing his mother reduced to a blubbering, hiccuping, snot-leaking tard for the next several hours. And I was well pleased then, and lifted thanks unto Clackamas County in my heart.

W. From thence we turned and bravely ventured forth for to survey my former haunts and visit with trepidation the memories those environs evoked evocatively. Even unto the very Gate of Hades itself did we dare! Only to find that place become a haven of strangers.

24. Although I missed the huge Butternut tree that used to stand by our garage; it was beautiful.

25. The modest pioneer-built home of my Grandmother stood near. It's weathered timber now sheltered Alternative Folk, guarded 'round about with Gnomes, Cement Deer, Random Outbuildings and Eccentric Fencing. A grim Deaths-Head surmounted by lightning now adorned the garage door, warding away the miscreant and the malefactor and the stealer of Gnomes, while maintaining Death's own silence even unto the present day regarding the Civil War Deserter who once hid in its gasoline-perfumed gloom.

26. My son then drove me in a northerly direction south, south of the Willamette and North of the Suburban wastes, to an inn he was wont to frequent. Much to our mutual astonishment this same turned out to be the very site of mine own youthful, semi-clad adventures; escapades which had become legends that the very building-stones remembered, whispering in measures measured 'midst the humid Willamette nights nocturnally.

27. "Aw fuck!" I cried aloud, my heart thrilling "You cannot believe how many times Mom was baked off her tits on this very spot!"

28. Such was my happiness that I bade the innkeeper be lavish with the food and drink, thus rendering my only male descendant slightly pissed (yeah, you totally were) ere the noontide. "You know what?" he said, blushing a charming red as he spoke "I've never asked a girl out? Not once. Never had to. I have no idea what it is. I guess I just have something the ladies like."

29. Now although I was sore tempted, yet I sullied not this moment with the phrase which rose threatening to break from to my lips: "yeah, that kind of runs in the family" - nay, I merely ejected a portion of my beverage in tribute to those gone before, subsequent to a prolonged glissando of raucous, hooting guffaws. Ere too much longer had passed I had struck the bar a resounding blow with my tiny fist, which act caused the entire establishment to pause in what must surely have been silent admiration.

30. Once I had regained some measure of dignity I gazed in wonder upon this once ravaged locale, now bright with the shining faces of the young and professionally urban, its avenues decked in quirky shops, its residential byways now vacant of poontang purveyors. Neither were there the urine stained victims of the vine strewn like stinky mardigras beads across the verge. Their ranks had thinned; no doubt devoured by marauding bicyclists: whirring, irritating, two-wheeled and ill-clad, like a plague of wino-eating, fashion-challenged locusts upon the earth!
Parking was still dismal, moreso now in these Escaladian latter days than in the tiny goofy econobox days of yore.

31. So the hours passed in a multicolored blur of Thai food, transvestite politicians, laughing, leaping babies, adorable preschoolers teaching themselves to read who had manual dexterity skills rivalling those of Irish lacemakers, and charming, charming, charming young men.

Beware tomorrow! When all my grandchildren will stalk the land in glory, recalcitrant, wild-eyed and able to drive...bearing the incandescent, fulminating and very possibly radioactive DNA of Danger Muk, that sinister Jacobs ladder of traits which breed anarchy, random acts of thought, vandalism, and *gulp* early procreation.

33. And once the world becomes the playground of this Red tide, your masters all: gorgeous, sarcastic and deeply weird, what will the rest of you do? The men, handsome as original sin, will charm you extravagantly; the women, splendid as a comet crossing the firmament, will reap you without mercy.

34. Resistance is futile.



  1. Anonymous5:33 PM

    yay! firsties! now i gotta go read.

  2. Anonymous5:37 PM

    *still looking up words in dictionary, thesaurus, and child's first dictionary*

    i didn't get the whole persephone and cherry thing.

    i'm assuming you meant you had a fantastic time?

  3. pink: what i meant was, the first day I was there? spring happened. all the flowers began to open up and bloom. like a command performance or something. it still makes all the hair on my arms rise thinking about it!

  4. Pure Magic. You must have been hovering above the ground. More than this, you know there is nothing.

    You deserve every atom of this happiness...and I am so happy for you. That Karmic Booemrang really did come back and drop at your feet.
    What an adventure.
    Thanks for sharing your joy.
    XX OO Wonderful.

  5. Who is your son? St. Francis of Assisi?

    Karmic Boomerang? Is it made of turquoise and pink formica?

    Donn kissed you.

    As did the Dawn.

  6. Anonymous3:01 AM

    You had a good time then :-)

    Dont think I didnt notice the BEAVER reference slipped in there....you just couldnt help yourself....
    Look you have started me with the full stops again....

  7. Anonymous5:20 AM

    Its a miracle or something... I love all the birds peppering your blog - I have to go check them out as loads are unknown tome being a Brit...

    I think a palanquin is a kind of lizard ...or is that a Algonquin ?

  8. Me thinks you talk a well versed tale.

  9. Anonymous7:16 AM

    Flying beavers?

  10. I love calling dear sister-in-law "She The Magnificent, Beauteous, Beneficent and Unruffled", but it's too damn long. Shortened version from here on out, please kthhhhhhhhxxxxxx (tho it is all true, and no fair looking wicked awesome after three kids, for serious).

    re: #29, it does indeed run in the family, but so does impatience. am I exempted from the rule based on my childlike fuse-length? I mean....I've always had to bash men around the head and ears in order to signify my interest. Just ask Manwife.
    No. Really. Like two first graders flirting, with the hitting and shoving and namecalling. Oh yes.

    and uhhhhhh I missed #4...did you take some of those vicodins...???? wth was I doing????

  11. Sounds great. I'm glad you had a wonderful time with all the descendants. But please reconsider: my TigerGrrl and DestructoGirl have the whole Total Global Domination thing down. Especially now that TigerGrrl has figured out how to ride her big-girl two-wheeler.

  12. you rock! i'll be back. how cool is it to cruise around with the fam extention to all the old haunts. and cool reference to the flying beaver and cassnas. my uncle owns two beavers and a 185. you make oregon sound so nice... how do you do it! and it sounds like the dirt there passed muster... nice....

  13. Coppensian: you know, I still am. this barely covers the greatness of how great it was, but did any of us really want to see that episode of 'CareBears?' thanks, paco. XXOO

    mj: yeah, i get that a lot :)

    beast: if you do NOT stop it with the 'punctuating everything with three dots' thinG I will be forced to KILL you. NONONONONO with the three dots puntuation. NOOOOOOOO.
    (how'd ja like how it turned out, preview boy???)

    Mr. the Dog: no, you were right the first time. Monitor Lizards. we have them shipped in from the Phillipines and gilded.

    gale: i thinks that if i don't approach this stuff humorously it won't get written because i'll be all crying and shit *snooooork*

    JoeVegas: Oh no, Oregon is the Beaver State, my darling! You didn't know? well then here:
    A flying Beaver, an angry beaver, and a beaver wearing a litle sailor hat !

  14. GOOD HEAVENS Y'ALL you snooked in under the wire there! well then...

    SSA: #4...you remember when you went to the store for milk? then.as soon as the car pulled in to the driveway they all scurried away back out to the shed.
    #29-i don't see how that exempts you...they fall off tall buildings just to be near you, and you hit them. still works.

    voices: his farms are out by the Aurora Airport so there were small planes, gliders, ultralights and even a couple of hot air balloons! yeah, though, Oregon actually improved with time. sure is a damn change from the way it was back in the depths of the 70's stagflation-recession. miles and miles and miles of charming..wild!

  15. oh lordy, and FOILWOMAN:
    so listen, it will be like 'Clash of the Titans' then! will all of your superpowered metallic offspring on one side wearing their capes and power-Ranger rings, and all of mine lined up on the opposite hill, painted blue, brandishing antitank guns, and raising their kilts in their general direction! so you get the possibility of explosions, kung-fu, AND robots! i see no problem here...?

  16. It turned out goooood :-)

  17. "poontang purveyors"...

    I'm sure I'll use that phrase now that it's merrily dancing in my head but I'll forget it came from her FN-ness.

    Feel free to take credit when you notice me saying it.

  18. nice... sounds like a great time. you must have been beaming the enitire weekend. how fucking cool is that. when i met my mom i was still in the rebelious "who gives a fuck" stage in my life and didnt really value the experiance as much as i should have... i just think thats so fucking cool that this is all happening to you and yer family.

  19. Anonymous1:13 PM

    Yeah, or we could just do what His Eminence, Benedict XVI (madder and badder than the Fifteenth) and I plan on doing: breed the master race. His BennyDude and my DestructoGirl seem to have world conquering abilities, and with his Benniette and my TigerGrrl overseeing all, I assume he and I will rule the U.S./Australian axis. We'll cede the Pacific Northwest (it rains too much there anyway) to you and yours, and we can have our combined offspring take over South America, Africa, Asia, Europe, and Antartica (does anyone really want it?) subject to some agreement you and I concoct. Or we could have a neato paintball fight or something like that. Whatever you want. I think DestructoGirl and Goonybird might get on quite well. They appear to have the same tush.

  20. First Nations, what a post. Wonder and laughter in equal measure.

    And finally I find out what SSA stands for. I thought it was, like, Red Indian for something.

  21. beast: *UBERBLUSH* thankew!I wish you could meet them, my darling. my whole family...they are so cool. we have a spare room!

    mj: oh, i will. lissen-are you getting successive waves of hail, sun and snow up there? because its fucking freakyass down here. we've had every fricken' type of weather in the last 48 hours except tornadoes.

    voices: thanks babe, i do too. you have no idea what a total, mega, incredible PARADIGM SHIFT it was to 1. be in OREGON, and 2. having a PLEASANT VISIT 3. with FAMILY. that simply is not in keeping with what I have come to expect in the last 47 years. not EVEN. you would totally love my son and his wife too. they're awesome!

    Aluminum Archangel of Action: ok, heres what I propose. We'll take Oregon, Washington, Northern California, Idaho and Montana and create ECOTOPIA. We will then annex the Hawaiian Islands, Australia and New Zealand. Possibly whatever part of Indonesia that Footman happens to be residing in, because we'll need a Grand Vizier. YOu can have the rest, except for Stonehenge and Vinci, Italy, which will be our 'protectorate states'. Good! Now let the paintball fight begin! DIBS BLUSIES!!!!!!!!

  22. Anonymous5:55 PM

    if beast is coming over here to visit, i gotta up my insurance coverage. something tells me a natural disaster is imminent.

  23. That's exactly what I said as I stepped out for the evening yesterday...

    "What's this freakyass weather?"

    It hailed, snowed, rained, then sunny periods. We got it all.

    I'm stepping out again this evening (stepping out is NOT a euphemism) and I just know the minute I leave the house, a freak weather system will move in.

  24. i have no resistance...i thought i did but a bug got me and feel like i have taken persephone's place in hell!

  25. Anonymous2:25 AM

    MJ is steppin out .....well la de dah

    ***Beast does mincing duchess impression***

    We have also been having all major weather conditions within half an hour of each other....I blame the French , Celine Dion and Emmerson Lake and Palmer

  26. Nations, look out your window.

    It's snowing!

  27. *throws snowball at Beast*

  28. pink: that purchase comes none too soon, young Jedi. read on....

    mj: some remaining sense of couth prohibits me from making the 'freak weather' comment that struggles to excape my lips...*struggling with lips*

    daisy: at least hell has all the good special effects! it could be worse. you could have caught a bug and ended up in, say, Why, Oregon. that would SUCK.

    beast; I think you've struck it! EMMERSON LAKE AND PALMER! i'd wondered what had become of their pseudo-intellectual asses! they have become MALIGN WEATHERLORDS!!!!!!!!!

    MJ: yes we did then, and this morning WE HAVE 2 INCHES OF SNOW!! please call ELP and tell them to cut it out already!

  29. well, that's my holiday for next year sorted. i am coming to stay with you and your family. i might never leave.

    you have been warned.