Monday, April 14, 2008

If Pither can do it then so can I

In this corner, God of rant REG PITHER !

Well informed! As far as I know, anyway;
he writes about British stuff. Sounds good.
Pissed off anyway.

IN this corner: DANGER MUK!

 Heavily medicated!
Waaaaay heavily medicated!
Um....has a corndog!


I swore that I wouldn't turn this into a relevant topics blog* but dammit some things just gotta get said.

1. Researchers are claiming that they have found the reason the Titanic went down: substandard rivets.

Folks, the Titanic hit an iceberg the size of the Balkans. At that point the quality of the rivets became moot. Get over it already. It sank. It's over. Move on.

2. Was there a US-government based conspiracy to assassinate JFK?

Yes, and J. Edgar Hoover masterminded it. In fact, J. Edgar Hoover ran this country for 48 solid years. He is currently serving eternity in Hell as Satans buttplug.

3. Was there another shooter on the grassy knoll?

Your momma was on the grassy knoll. With J. Edgar Hoover.

4. Was Marilyn Monroe killed by the FBI?

No. Kennedy played hide the salami with every woman who crossed his line of vision. Some of them were married to his political cronies and some of them were the girlfriends of mobsters for heavens' sake. He wasn't exactly scrupulous - OR careful. So out of all the women he ever nailed why kill the one who posed NO THREAT WHATSOEVER TO HIS REPUTATION? (Enhanced it, in fact. The leader of the free world was 'entitled' to bonk Monroe. It was a man's world back then and they're still going 'har-de-har-har' about it the same way they did when Clinton nailed Lewinsky. Please.) Is anyone dumb enough to believe that he laid up in bed with her and gave her a bunch of ICBM fire-codes or something? She was Marilyn Monroe! They weren't talking! The poor woman accidentally did herself with booze and pills. Please just leave in her grave already.

5. Was Princess Di killed by the British Government because she was making squishy squishy with a sand minority?

Princess Di should have been knocked upside the chops for even coming within a city block of Dodi 'Greasy Lowlife' Fayyed, but she was killed in a drunk driving accident. Shit happens. Nobody killed Chuck 'Cardboard Applicator' Windsor and look what he's been...*ahem* up.

6. Did Bush steal the election?

He got Christmas presents that year, didn't he? Well, there ya go. Do you think he would have got any Christmas presents if Santa Claus thought he'd stolen the election?
See, now you're just starting to piss me off.
Did your mother huff Regular or Ethyl? Did she drop you a lot? Have you spent the last 30 years of your life wearing a helmet and eating sugar out of the bag? Jesus CHRISTgrab a CLUE.

7. Should Northern California, Oregon, Washington, Montana and Idaho secede from the Union and set up a sovereign nation of their own and call it Ecotopia?

Yes. If y'all hadn't been so busy selling Oregon to the Japanese and mating in public discotecques like a herd of Aquanet-glazed mink with the music all going WHUMPA WHUMPA WHUMPA WHUMPA you would have realized that Ernest Callenbach was a prophet inspired by GOD, and done the right thing. Well, like any prophet Ol' Ernie wasn't honored in his native land, and now his native land is overrun with trash-ass lowland Southern Californians and effete failed New Yorkers who won't be satisfied until this place is just as big a shit-up wasteland as the toxic sewers they left in their wake. You had no excuse. The technology existed. Disney preserved Walt's brain in a jar so they could hook it up to a motherboard and route their payroll department through it; well, you shoulda done the exact same thing with Tom McCall. We could have mounted it in a Dalek-type thing with a toilet plunger on the front and he could have rolled around and been in parades and levitated and shit. We'd all be living in an environmentally pristine, socially enlightened country instead of a place that the rest of the nation considers an inexhaustable grab-bag of natural resources where picturesque Native Americans roam through the forest primeval bapping each other with little sticks and Laura Ingalls Wilder kicks the shit out of gas station attendants and pees in their soup. Tom wouldn't have put up with that shit!! OO! You don't want to pay a reasonable market price for timber? You don't care if our native salmon are getting ground up in the Bonneville hydroelectric dam just so you can leave the Hubble space telescope on all night long and spy on naked broads in Iowa? Is the mean ol' president gonna get pissed off? Is he gonna send some black helicopters? SEND THE MOTHERFUCKERS! OOOOO, IM FRIGHTENED! OOOOO, WHERE DID THESE MYSTERIOUS UNMARKED HELICOPTERS COME FROM! OOOOO, MAYBE I OUGHT TO USE MY DALEK DEATH RAY ON THE HELICOPTERS! HUH? WHADDYOU THINK, BITCH? And he would win!!!! Then we'd all be happy walking through our old growth forests breathing our clean air and drinking our nice espresso behind our nice safe wall and everyone would say 'Thank you, thank you, Tom McCall, you saved us!'
And there would be a big party and you would be invited!
But you'd have to go home after.

*which is a total lie and not even true. if i felt like it i could do a whole post with just the letter e: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee OH MY GOD I'M OUTTA CONTROL PEOPLE! OH NOES!

See? Theres nothing anyone can do about it. I'm drunk on power, baby.


  1. Excellent. Almost Pitheresque.
    Now, did they really land on the moon?

  2. Hurrah! Feels better, doesn't it?

  3. Surely the sinking of the Titanic was a massive government conspiracy.

  4. wow! keep it going! i got lost in the dalek portion, only because i started thinking of the years i spent watching dr. who. i survived three different incarnations of the man and the show... so yeah, and something about a boat sinking? sounds like a titanic waste of valuable booze to me, to be lost in the ocean that is....

  5. vicus; well hello, stranger! you know what; my grandmother was absolutely convinced that the moon landing was a fraud. and if SHE doubted it....

    reg: yes.....yes, it does. *breathes deeply, smiles at kitten*

    billy: you're thinking of the Lusitania. yes, the Tibetan Secret Cheiftains (using Aleister Crowley as intermediary)requested it for use as an underwater base of operations.

    voices: I thought we were goners when they sent out that broadcast that sucked people out of their bodies and imprisoned them inside a static channel and turned their bodies into zombie slaves? but thank god he came through for us again!

  6. and YES I KNOW that montana and idaho are not parts of the original Ecotopia but I LIKE IT THIS WAY BETTER.

  7. My mother didn't drop me but my sister tipped my pram and I fell out on my head.

    Does that count?

  8. Brilliant. (Except you left out the bit where Shirley Temple worked for Hoover. )

  9. Good Lord you're on a roll woman! I gonna havta go back and re-read the last few posts. I am dazzled by the bright light of information. Oh, and I'm all for #7, call it Ecotopia or Jefferson, I don't care.

    That 'walking around at night' shit rules.

  10. Beast at work1:16 AM

    Oh for heavens sakes!
    I knew I shouldnt have left that bottle of gin on the sink.

    Still better out than in as my granny used to say

  11. I am developing a conspiracy theory , that centres around Sir Elton John and Celine Dion having residencies in Las Vegas.....they gotta be cooking up something between them that involves world domination. The happless Britney obviously stumbled onto part of the plot , and look whats happened to her.
    Princess Di....'Friend of Elton'
    Posh Spice and David.....'Good Friends of Elton'....

    Its all starting to add up people

  12. Canadian 'blogger' MJ , is rumoured to have an extensive collection of Elton John and Celine Dion CD's
    Is she part of the 'Inner Circle

    The Truth is out there

  13. I don't think its power you are drunk on....I'm just saying. But isn't it good to let out that ol' internet primal scream?
    And what about area 51?

  14. Elton John is married to a Canadian.

    The plot thickens.

  15. Hey, tell the Beast that what happens in Vegas stays . . . oh, what the hell, it doesn't. So you better watch out.
    FN - thanks for the info; I've been wondering about those things and could never pin down answers.

  16. I love the portrait of Tom McCall, except that he's looking a little Colonel Sanders-ish if you ask me.

    And the name of the country would be "Cascadia." Which would also include British Columbia. Except for that, you're right on.

  17. Danger Panda's right, you know.
    They even have their own site. THAT MAKES IT OFFICIAL. But seriously, the ecotopia thing has turned into the Republic of Cascadia. I believe we use the Ecotopian tree flag.

  18. mj: yes. the real damage was sustained when she tried to fix the dent using a bag of shot and a contour hammer, though. don't lie.

    dinah: she did indeed! she was our girl in Uganda during the Amin debacle, too.

    marky: once you go red, hon, you won't leave the bed. YOU know.

    beast: SHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh! Joe in Vegas is here! cheezit, dude! he works for the Posse Casinotatus! use the secret password and contact me at our usual rendezvous point at 0:100. "KLAATU BARADA NICTO"

    gale: oh, i have a BIG OL' EXPOSE in the can regarding A-fiver-one, baby. hint: SUIDAE


    MJ: and Sir Elton mysteriously copped an invite to Harley-Davidsons 100th birthday celebration, theres the asian link of the sordid chain revealed....

    joeVegas: its aLL MADE UP. REALLY. i love casinos. i do. i gamble ALL THE TIME. please don't let your masters hurt me, joe. i'm just a lone voice in the wilderness. really. look, i'm wearing underpants on my head. see? total nutjob. no secrets here. nope.

    dangerpanda: you're right. I went and looked and im surprised how much there still is out there about the 'movement'. yeah, the cascade range would be the eastern border. my thought was, why sacrifice all those great wrecking yards? and them folks in idaho and montana will obviously believe anything you tell them-see how it all workds out better?

    ssa: yeah, i found them on Wikipedia even. and you know what? I still buy in 100%. yes i do.

  19. You lost me at Earnest Callenbach.

    I think that New Hampshire, Vermont, and Maine should secede and call themselves "New Vermaine" (say it fast).

    They can join Rhode Island, Massachusetts, and Connecticut as "Rhode Massochists."

    Thus spake Zarathustra.

  20. Im willing to bet the reason Bush goes down is substandard rivets!

  21. cb: ernest callenbach wrote a very awesome book called 'Ecotopia' back in the early 70's about how northern cali, oregon and washington seceded from the union and set up this excellent environmentally and socially ethical country. i was totally on board the moment i read it it isn't so much good writing as it is the overwhelming RIGHTNESS of the idea. you kind of had to grow up in the northwest for it to mean much to you, i think.

    tony: substandard neck bolts.

  22. And what of..

    Richard Gere and the Gerbillian roto rooter incident True or True?

    Why wasn't Dan (Mr PotatoE Head)Quayle, Dubya's running mate?

    Did Hitler really commit zuicide or did he aczidentally szhoot himzelf in der knopf while zucking on a zyanide capzule?

    Inquiring minds want to know!

  23. Somebody said Dr. Who and I imagined David Tennant, and yeah. What were we all saying? Did I come late to the party? I have a paranoid schizophrenic friend who believes everyone is after him. Thing is, they are. (<--might be on topic, but I should be asleep right now.)

  24. I already had pither angry and storming off me blog once in tears so no comment from me on this one except OY OY OY Maggie aggie aggie!

  25. Anonymous2:33 AM

    As usual you are right about everything - I wonder if you had ever considered becoming a Goddess and like setting up a Church to worship you and shit...

  26. damn, sugar! stand up and preach, sistah! (i'll have what you're having)

  27. donnnnnn: i have ALWAYS wondered how that rumor got attached to that guy. peewee herman, that i could see; he probably has all kinds of stuff up there. but richard gere of all people?

    w2: well good thing you woke up so you could hear THE TROOOTH! Duchoveny always said it was out there; well, here it is.

    knudie: nibby nib nooby, wibby wobby wooby, la la la lo looooooo, is what i have to say to that. now kiss me you nasty old thing. NO NOT THERE.

    muttley: Gracious; what do you think this is? (how you doin, paco?)

    savannah: honey, i do this STONE STRAIGHT. additional substances would be gilding the lilly. although i'm up for a slash. whatchoo drinking?

  28. Fine, I'll take my helmet and sugar and go home :)

    Rants are a good thing. Had a rowdy one a few days ago and I still feel great...

  29. Did Tony have the words in the right order on his comment????

  30. Geo: rants are excellent! pither's onto something!

    beast: I am so lost.

  31. Anonymous10:26 PM

    honey, please. the south done seceded once. dixie shall rise again!!! (lol, not really. at least, i don't believe that george w. bush wants to make the southern half of the us into a big country named texas.)

  32. damn...i in love..

  33. It's all an act, you know. Pither's just a big teddy bear really.