Tuesday, June 24, 2008

updated!!!: ARE YOU BITING YOUR TOENAILS IN SUSPENSE YET?

....hell, I'll get around to it. Promise.

The Playboy of the Western World is doing poorly. I've been busy chasing down doctors and trying to find out what's going on with the man. Meanwhile he's been in the hospital going on three weeks now, unable to leave his bed without passing out cold. The poor guy has COPD and six arterial occlusions...and those are the ones near his heart. Heaven only knows what kind of a log jam is going on elsewhere. One minute they tell him they're sending him to a full-on extended care facility, the next minute they tell him they're transporting him to the University Hospital in Seattle. Then they wander away and nobody tells anyone anything or notes it down in a chart. What the fuck kind of bullshit is this to pull on a sick, 83 year old man? He gets scared and depressed and calls me, and something is always lost in the translation, so I have to track down the real story...yeah. Onward through the fog.

Here is how I've been coping:
I have been doing a lot of gardening. My arms are so buffed out from digging and etc. that the veins stick out on my biceps now. I'm also doing the home improvement thing....building a fire pit,


...clickie for biggie

prepping one of the bedrooms for paint and paper, cleaning up and throwing out, and rounding up supplies to paint the house this August. Busting down junk and hauling it off. Turning compost. Making medium. De-chroming my new El Camino. Listening to a lot of Rob Zombie, Powerman 5000, NIN, and Snake River Conspiracy at eye-bleeding volumes. Dyed my hair blue. Switched from beer, which was making me tubby, to tequila and diet 7-up, which does not, but still tastes good.

Now when I was younger and gave less than a full-grown fuck about anything I would have, say, picked up a tire iron and taken out a public restroom. Glassed some cars, fucked something up. And it would have worked, too. You want to reach that clean, peaceful center of calm where everything just lines right up and makes sense? Take out a television with a ten-pound hammer. Seriously. It's much better than drugs. There's a couple of you out there that know exactly what I mean, too.

See, but I can't do that shit any more. Well I mean I can but I shouldn't.
I want to, though.

28 comments:

  1. Take out my massive LCD flatscreen TV with a hammer?

    Heaven forfend.

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  2. You're de-chroming your new El Camino?

    I can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch so if you need help, I'm your gal.

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  3. If it was me I would go and break those toilet planters with a ten pound hammer.
    I cant drink tequila , it makes me really really badly behaved
    ***dances off with underpants on head***

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  4. Arabella7:13 AM

    I'm a natural born plate-smasher. Wouldn't touch my vintage stuff - I'm not daft. But it's amazing how 'people' get all iffy about plate-smashing. Sigh. It's a great way to cleanse the soul, with the addition of finely strung-together expletives. But I'm down to just the swearing these days.

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  5. Ooh I can just envision dumping all of the dead computers in my attic to the back yard and pounding the bejoodlies out of them. Unfortunately I haven't got enough spare spleen for that. An archeologist will have a field day at my house in about 2000 years.

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  6. garfy: no, you need one with an oldschool crt to get the proper effect. the next best thing is to shove same from the top of a very steep embankment. they blow up reeeeeeeel good.

    mj: no trailer hitch, sorry...you wanna suck on the bumper for awhile, be my guest. NO NOT MINE EW OFF GET OFF OUT OUT OUT geeze you sicko.

    beast: me too! your taste in headwear matches that of my granddaughter Jaden, as a matter of fact. you and her should get together and knock back a few shots sometime.

    ARA: you know what, that is exactly why i dont smash plates anymore? I had a complete set of Noritake, really collectible high-style retro ware and I broke every single goddamn dish of it on a floor. the shits worth $200 now. *snif*
    lissen, shoot me an email, ok? Im at a new addo:

    redace196oATgmailDOTcom

    that last 'numeral' in the date is actually a baby letter 'O'. get going.

    retro: see garfy's reply. You could just tip them out the attic window onto passing cars or pedestrians or what have you. they explode, theres lots of dangerous glass fragments, and then theres always the civilian casualties...its like two for the price of one!

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  7. me, I like to kick things, a door in is good. A man can be a reasonable substitute :)

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  8. Geez, I have been doing it wrong. I do have this really nice ball peen hammer...

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  9. hendrix12:59 PM

    sending good thoughts for the Playboys recovery.

    and yes, I know what you mean re the calm at the centre of the smash. I clean now. You can expend a great deal of anger cleaning...

    I can't drink tequila though. Well actually I can drink tequila (lot of) it just doesn't have any effect...it's one of the great sadnesses of my life (and no, it isn't just that I think it doesn't have any effect - it actually makes me more sober).

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  10. huh. I've always feared destruction. When I was a kid I couldn't bear to watch anything be thrown or dropped, I didn't want it to hurt. I think I must have anthropomorphized absolutely everything, not just teddy bears and dolls and stuff, but everything. Sometimes I would get really angry and have an incredible urge to throw or break something and then break down in tears when I thought of how much the thing would hurt. Weird. I don't know that I could be willofully destructive if I tried.

    Poor Playboy, and poor you.

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  11. ps. Can i come feel up your biceps?

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  12. That is a fancy fire. Lazy me just scoops a shallow hole and throws in some wood.

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  13. we all know that beast is just doing that for attention.

    beast!!! put something on. we've told you before, no one wants to see that thing flapping around in the wind.

    every time i start to get buff my boobs get bigger and i start to suffocate.

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  14. Damnit all, aging sucks. Motherfucking sucks. If you lived closer I would certainly volunteer our old t.v., the one that sits in the bedroom, for your smashing delight. Ahh, distance, it sucks too.

    Best wishes to you and the Playboy.

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  15. What sort of metal wheel ????

    why is Pinky's chest inflating like a pair of spacehoppers

    When you have your fire going you can make
    BEASTIES STEAMING BANANA
    a foil pouch , fill with chopped up banana(can add sliced peach or nectarine and strawberries if you like) , chocolate chips , a gob of honey and a good slurp of something like Southern Comfort(liquor of your choice)and a good pinch of cinnamon . Allow to broil in the fire for about 15 minutes then serve with extra thick heavy cream or ice cream.

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  16. You take care of yourself my lovely lady and dont get yourself into no trouble! Do you hear me? You are no use to anyone in trouble...cant wait to see the biceps by the way .. yum

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  17. ziggi:you're a kicker, I'm a slammer. doors have it rough.

    gale: there you go! ball peen the heck outta something today! it's fun!

    hendrix: tequila makes you SOBER? dang. do cacti fear you? thats just unnatural.


    CB: I felt that way about plants. I used to cry when my grandma would pull weeds because I hated the thought of them dying. forget pruning...i'd just stand there and bawl.//re biceps....they're kind of freaking me out. this keeps up im going to get an anchor tattoo like popeye.

    joeBVegas: that is the difference between the true firebug and the casual campfire builder. I need a place where shit can BURN. a place with a distant vent access for the introduction of high-pressure air. yeeeeeeeeeeeeah.

    pink: oh yeah. i had to buy all new bras too just recently. the entire lower half of my face is obscured.

    christine: hey you! yeah, it sucks bigtime. its fucked up to see someone who's still so vibrant unable to take two steps. never fear, though...the next time i haul garbage to the recycle i'll find a nice television...i always do!

    beast: a Semi-tractor wheel. I could have used one off an ag tractor but it would have been to huge for me to move. and re the treat; we'll be making them this 4th, beast! X! that gave me a great idea for bonfire treats and snacks!thank you!

    Mr. The Dog: oh, I'll stay out of trouble. even when i should have been in trouble i never got in trouble and now that im old enough to know how to stay out of trouble even if i cause trouble i never get in trouble for it. X for you too!

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  18. Oooh I forgot you gotta have a knob of butter in with that mix to make it silky smooth.:-)

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  19. tequilla and diet 7-up - what a classy bird you are

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  20. my last computer was "office spaced"... spent weeks trying to find the back up disks after deleting some important shit... and got so sick of it i smashed the shit out of it with my axe, then the back up disks came rolling out of its case...
    in my infinite wisdom i had put them into the case of the computer when i bought it so i wouldnt forget where i had put them...


    *coughs from all the smoke around in the yard, then light a marlboro*

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  21. In a rare moment of rage, I once tried to punch through a cheep door thinking it was made of two skins of hardboard held apart by paper. Unfortunately this door was designed in the fifties and was filled with thick, close slats of pine.

    Ouch!

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  22. I want you to take care of me when I get sick....the entertainment value alone is worth the medical bills.

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  23. I got to comment numero 2 and lost all track of thought.

    I can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch so if you need help, I'm your gal.

    We all know how hard that darn MJ can suck. She confirmed it now. Dang, MJ, teach me! I wanna suck off some chrome too.

    Ok, maybe not chrome. But that ability may provide useful in other situations.

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  24. i'm guessing first nation's boobs are so obscuring that she can't find her way to the computer to entertain us. and i thought my blogging hiatus was drawn out.

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  25. just wanted to thank you FN...i was all upset this weekend...had too much frustration in my life and decided i was going to take my friend FN's advice and go to the backyard...i weeded and cut and mulched and cut some more...until, i could no longer breathe as i was sneezing so badly i was completely useless...the yard looks good however my hands are useless today as they are so swollen i can barely freakin type...
    gardening is for the gnomes!

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  26. Pinky . Maybe Miss FN has got sidetracked drawing amusing faces on her 'fun bags'......I know I would.

    Daisy . Have you never read Lady Chaterly's lover!!! for heavens sakes, your supposed to get a muscular and easily influenced young man in to 'do the garden' for you.

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  27. Well, I'm the go-cry-in-my-pillow type, but whatever works for you.

    Any updates on the Playboy?

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  28. oh beast i have one of those...but i don't keep him in the garden...

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