Saturday, June 07, 2008

I beg your pardon; is this your vermin?

A couple of days ago The Yummy Biker called me out on to the front porch. He was pointing at the weeping alder. "I swear, I just saw something weird hop on its hind legs underneath that tree! Like a kangaroo! It was black and white and it had a long tail. You stay here and watch the tree and I'll go try and see if I can flush it out." He crept out into the driveway and made a few fooing gestures at the alder. Tiptoed around to another spot and tried again.

Nothing ran out. We looked at each other.

The two old ladies walking past with their tiny dog in a coat looked at us too.
"Hi!" I waved.

We looked for tracks and trails in the wet grass and rustled around in the plantings nearby.
Meanwhile, I was pleased that for once I was not the one who'd seen Bigfoot flying the UFO.

Sometime later the Yummy Biker called me into the back yard. "It's a rat," he announced. "It's a black and white rat. It just ran under the deck."
"Oh my God you have to be kidding," I said.

Nope. Hearing our voices, the worlds cleanest, fattest rat waddled out from under the deck and sat in the grass, calmly washing its little ratty face with its little ratty paws, looking from the Biker to me. Meanwhile our Girldog ambled around the yard sniffing bumblebees.

"There it is," I said. The Biker looked. The girldog tried to eat a bee.

We watched it for awhile. It waddled around, sat in the sun, kicked its head like a dog.
Our dog squatted and took a whiz three feet away from the thing.
So much for those terrier instincts.

The biker raised the lid of the barbecue and turned the steaks.

The rat waddled up onto the deck and stood next to the barbecue.
Then it sat up on its hind legs.
And begged.

"That's it", I said.

I walked next door to the freaky people's house and knocked on their door.

No answer. Cars in the driveway, television on.

Knocked again.

No answer.

Probably huddled in a corner saying their rosary until the Evil One passed them by.

So I did.

I went to the next door down, the apartments.

A woman was standing out on her porch having a cigarette.
"Hi, did you happen to lose a pet rat?" I asked. "I live the next house over here, and we have someones pet rat over in our yard. Really tame."

"A rat?" she said.

"Yeah, a rat. A black and white rat. Comes right up to you, not afraid a bit."

"A rat?" she said.

I heard a mans voice come from inside the house. "A rat?"
He came out onto the porch. "Hey, you're that lady that mows the lawn," he said.


"Yeah. Did you lose a pet rat? I guess no, huh?"

He looked down at me. "A rat?"'

Another person, a slab faced woman smoking a Lucky, squeezed out onto the porch and looked down at me. "Hi," I said.

"Djoo lose a rat?" she said.

" No, I found a rat, I explained.

"A rat?" she said.

Engaging as this was, I sensed I had hit a dead end in my ratquest. Suddenly smoker #1 bellowed across the parking lot to a large man out on his balcony putting a diaper into a garbage can. "Hey, 'Tonio! You lose a pet rat?"

Tonio looked over and squinted. "A rat?"

"Well, thanks, " I said. I walked away. Behind me the conversation continued.

"Someone lost a rat?"

" She lost a rat."

"No, she found a rat."

"A rat?"

Have some more meth, folks. Seriously.


I came back in and shut the door. "Please tell me you didn't feed it," I said to the Yummy Biker. He snorted. "Jett's trying to eat it right now," he replied.

I looked out the kitchen window.

Sure enough, our girldog was out in the back yard, sloooooooowly lifting one paw and setting it down, then the other, advancing with her head down and her gaze fixed, jungle senses focused on the obese, hygiene obsessed rat busy washing it's butt in my yard.

It looked up, noticed her and waddled back underneath my deck.

Jett came prancing in through the dog door smiling a big doggy smile, wagging her tail. 'You can calm down now, guys! I took care of it!"

I would like to move now.


  1. Wait a minute - my daughter might have lost hers. White head you say?

  2. I consulted the inbred retards from Wisconsin at work.
    (can you hear banjo's???? )

    They conferred then proffered the opinion that 'theres dam fine eatin on a rat' , not as tasty as squirrel apparently but beggars cant be choosers.
    You should have BBQ'd it

  3. joeVegas: white head, black ears, exceptionally well groomed. the metrosexual of the rat world, in fact.

    cb: DON'T START WITH ME MISSY. i already posted that picture of you mokind da dank (bad fiction alert) YES A RAT. RATRATRATRATRAT. rattus rattus fricken norweigecus ssp.'Metrosexualix'

    beast: we already had the grill loaded with steaks, dammit. if id done knowed that id done hove thatere motherfucker on the grill, tell ya whut.they say whut kinda sauce?

  4. Ratatouille ???

    ****bows to adoring crowd****

  5. Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat and his black and white rat.

    Never mind.

  6. beast: oh please you showoff. no, now, don't you throw flowers and money, mj, it only encourages him!!!

    garfy: postman pat has a black and white CAT geeze you wacky brrrrrrrrithsher person. i prefer postman plod from VIZ magazine. hes so american.

  7. sounds cute and fuzzy! You could have scooped it up and taken it to the Humane Society, no?

    Anyway, beats running into a bear without warning.

  8. What if it was Frobisher?!

  9. Hey Vegas and Chaucer, what the hell is with all the water pictures in the comment section? I feel like I'm at an Eakins exhibition. The only thing missing is my naked rear end at the swimming hole.

    As for the rat, did it look anything like this?

  10. If it was a tame rat, you should've gotten it a big ol bird cage (the potting shed sized kind) and fed it some peanut butter. Rats are very sweet and smart...if they are not running wild, with rabies and stuff.
    Most of the icky kind are a brownish grey, not all black and white and beggarish.

  11. Rats are lovely - try making friends with it, give it food and beer.

    A more loyal companion you will never find.

  12. dangerpanda: you want a rat? come get the cute rat. you have my permission. come on. get the rat.

    mj: frobisher would not be caught dead wearing formal attire to a barbecue.

    champ: 'Paul' is the eakins exhibition of blogging, and i've just performed an autopsy on a dead wino.

    SSA: fine. COME GET THE RAT. you can fight dangerpanda for his loveable furry butt. come on. get the rat. have a rat. freeeeee rat.

    frobi: all that may be true, sir, but in return i require that said rat NOT SIT IN MY FRONT YARD AND LICK ITS ASS. which this rat did later on in the evening. Hi! nicest yard on the block here! with a big ol honkin rat in the middle of it LICKIN ITS BUTT! HELLO PASSING CARS!!!

  13. Well thats my weekend plans spoiled , I was gonna sit in FN's front yard , as its the nicest in the street , I do have some standards , and pick my nose , scratch my ass , belch the National Anthem break wind and light it as dusk fell.
    But if your going all upmarket.....
    ***breaks wind in envelope and mails it to MJ ***

  14. Rats! Did it have tags? :) I know I can always count on you to start my day with a smile.

  15. Anonymous6:28 AM

    it does sound kinda cute. but i don't want no more animals. i just gave away those kittens that have been haunting me. now if i could just get beast to leave i'd be all set.

    *looks up number for exterminator*

  16. *dons windbreaker and stamps envelope "Return to Sender"*

  17. DONT GIVE IT BEER! once they get hooked on that,its just another mouth to feed... try garbage, if it eats garbage you might cut down on some of that waste! hahahahahahaaaaa.....

  18. At least it wasn't cockroaches. *shudder*

  19. beast: use a jar. they travel better under glass. or so mj tells me.

    gale: i never thought to check for tags. i didn't see any headlights either. oh crap.

    pink: you watch out for your junipers; that man likes to mark.

    mj: 'passing' gas. get it? you see what i did there? you're 'passing' the gas? because


    voices: i think this is a sushi and cristal kinda rat.

    joy: or michael jackson. i mean, dang.

  20. If I could lick my own arse I don't think I'd leave the porch either . . .

  21. I think it sounds like a nice rat.
    Nicer than your other neighbours, more intelligent anyway. It might be a past friend reincarnated, did you know anyone in a previous life that was black and white and clean all over?

  22. my rat terrier caught a mouse in the house about a year ago...came in from the corn field down the street...didn't kill it...maimed it and sat there with a smile on her face watching it twitch...scream and slowly die...this year...she caught a squirrel (has been after them for years) and ripped it's throat out as any good hunter would...she paraded it round the her own superior style running from my husband as he tried to get it from her...of course the beagle was howling to beat the band to announce to the neighborhood the great baby...cosmo...sorry her name is now cosmo the great hunter (would like to keep my throat intact)