I beg your pardon; is this your vermin?

A couple of days ago The Yummy Biker called me out on to the front porch. He was pointing at the weeping alder. "I swear, I just saw something weird hop on its hind legs underneath that tree! Like a kangaroo! It was black and white and it had a long tail. You stay here and watch the tree and I'll go try and see if I can flush it out." He crept out into the driveway and made a few fooing gestures at the alder. Tiptoed around to another spot and tried again.

Nothing ran out. We looked at each other.

The two old ladies walking past with their tiny dog in a coat looked at us too.
"Hi!" I waved.

We looked for tracks and trails in the wet grass and rustled around in the plantings nearby.
Meanwhile, I was pleased that for once I was not the one who'd seen Bigfoot flying the UFO.

Sometime later the Yummy Biker called me into the back yard. "It's a rat," he announced. "It's a black and white rat. It just ran under the deck."
"Oh my God you have to be kidding," I said.

Nope. Hearing our voices, the worlds cleanest, fattest rat waddled out from under the deck and sat in the grass, calmly washing its little ratty face with its little ratty paws, looking from the Biker to me. Meanwhile our Girldog ambled around the yard sniffing bumblebees.

"There it is," I said. The Biker looked. The girldog tried to eat a bee.

We watched it for awhile. It waddled around, sat in the sun, kicked its head like a dog.
Our dog squatted and took a whiz three feet away from the thing.
So much for those terrier instincts.

The biker raised the lid of the barbecue and turned the steaks.

The rat waddled up onto the deck and stood next to the barbecue.
Then it sat up on its hind legs.
And begged.

"That's it", I said.

I walked next door to the freaky people's house and knocked on their door.

No answer. Cars in the driveway, television on.

Knocked again.

No answer.

Probably huddled in a corner saying their rosary until the Evil One passed them by.

So I did.

I went to the next door down, the apartments.

A woman was standing out on her porch having a cigarette.
"Hi, did you happen to lose a pet rat?" I asked. "I live the next house over here, and we have someones pet rat over in our yard. Really tame."

"A rat?" she said.

"Yeah, a rat. A black and white rat. Comes right up to you, not afraid a bit."

"A rat?" she said.

I heard a mans voice come from inside the house. "A rat?"
He came out onto the porch. "Hey, you're that lady that mows the lawn," he said.

.......OK.

"Yeah. Did you lose a pet rat? I guess no, huh?"

He looked down at me. "A rat?"'

Another person, a slab faced woman smoking a Lucky, squeezed out onto the porch and looked down at me. "Hi," I said.

"Djoo lose a rat?" she said.

" No, I found a rat, I explained.

"A rat?" she said.

Engaging as this was, I sensed I had hit a dead end in my ratquest. Suddenly smoker #1 bellowed across the parking lot to a large man out on his balcony putting a diaper into a garbage can. "Hey, 'Tonio! You lose a pet rat?"

Tonio looked over and squinted. "A rat?"

"Well, thanks, " I said. I walked away. Behind me the conversation continued.

"Someone lost a rat?"

" She lost a rat."

"No, she found a rat."

"A rat?"

Have some more meth, folks. Seriously.

YES IT WAS A FUCKING RAT. GOOD GRAVY MARIE ALREADY.

I came back in and shut the door. "Please tell me you didn't feed it," I said to the Yummy Biker. He snorted. "Jett's trying to eat it right now," he replied.

I looked out the kitchen window.

Sure enough, our girldog was out in the back yard, sloooooooowly lifting one paw and setting it down, then the other, advancing with her head down and her gaze fixed, jungle senses focused on the obese, hygiene obsessed rat busy washing it's butt in my yard.

It looked up, noticed her and waddled back underneath my deck.

Jett came prancing in through the dog door smiling a big doggy smile, wagging her tail. 'You can calm down now, guys! I took care of it!"



I would like to move now.