Do you have questions about God, the Afterlife and Eternity?
Do timor mortis really conturbat you, bucko? Or is it all just a big pointless exercise?
Test those fears and face your demons! It's easy!
PISS OFF FIRST NATIONS!
1. Be a thief. No, go ahead. Being untrustworthy is awesome. Yes, you're really sticking it to the universe, no doubt about that. Number one on my hit list! With a bullet, if you're a trespasser!
1.a Be a thief, and brag about it. Because not only does that brand you an untrustworthy MORON, it tells me that you think I'm the type of person who'd be impressed by the fact that you steal. Thanks for the compliment!
2. Pull something, do 'X' right in my face, right out in the open, and then DENY IT CATEGORICALLY when I call you on it. Are you 4? Do I have a lobotomy scar? No. Never do this. There is not the slightest fucking chance in hell that I'm going to buy your denial. I SAW YOU DO IT! DUH!
If you think that a policy of 'deny everything' is going to spare you a scene, GUESS THE FUCK AGAIN BUCKWHEAT. You just bought a WAY BIGGER ONE.
Two for the price of one!
3. Argue with your significant other in front of me. Bye now.
3.a Attempt to enlist me as an ally when you 'jokingly' ridicule same. Oh FUCK that action. Gosh that makes me feel so welcome. And comfortable too! I'm so glad I came! We'll have to do this again REAL SOON!!
3.b Come into my home and compare some aspect of my housekeeping unfavorably to that of your significant other as a way to 'discipline' them. Make sure you have a biiiiiiiig audience, too. Oh, I'll certainly be inviting your ass back.
4. Make vague, misleading excuses for any decision you've made. That way nobody can disagree with you!! Yes, give me lots and lots of wrong information to work off of. That sure lets you off the hook, right? Nobody can pin you down to a stand, can they? Except you've put all this garbage information out there, see, and now anyone attempting to use that information as an indication of your tastes or preferences is going to fail miserably! Rock the fuck on! I love being made an idiot of!
5. I also love it when you deny ever having made any vague, misleading excuses. That just makes me want to jump right up and kiss you. With a big rock.
6. If we aren't related, don't treat me like a parent. Sure, invite all your other friends out partying and tell me about it! Don't forget to add '...and I knew you wouldn't be into it; I mean, you're like my mom or something."
I will not make decisions for you. I will not listen to you whine. I will cut you off, though.
7. I'm a married woman. Don't hit on me.
8. He's a married man. Step way the fuck off, bitch. Don't even LOOK at him. I WILL orphan your children.
8.a Waitresses; this is particularly aimed at your whore asses. Do not come all up on MY HUSBAND with them titties laying on his shoulder and call him honey. Forget about a tip. It won't happen. I won't say a word to my husband. I will go back to the table and pick that money up, though, right in your face, you cracker sow. I've done it before.
Think I won't complain to the manager? Oh, guess again.
9. Never come to me about my people. Any of them. Including friends. I don't care if you have a valid reason. We're all mean and most of us are violent too. Here, let me demonstrate.
10. The sky is blue, the grass is green, the nice birdies are singing, tra la la...oh look! There's a pretty flower! Isn't the flower pretty? It looks like a daisyNOGODDAMMITTHATSNOTADAISYOUIGNORANTPIECEOFSHITTHATS APONTIACDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEIHATEYOUWHYAREYOUSOHOMOPHOBIC?!
....well all right then.
11. Come to my home bed shitting drunk and make a scene! Alcoholics are our favorite thing in the whole wide world. I appreciate you bringing your substance abuse problem into my home. I love it when you expect me to accept it as a valid excuse for any stupid shit you happen to do while under the influence. No really, I buy that. Totally. I do.
12. Please confuse 'biker' with 'Nazi sympathizer'. Please do that. Please come here with swastikas and Aryan Brotherhood shit all hanging off you. I respect that as a perfectly reasonable, well-thought-out position in a nation of immigrants. Tell me about how the mud races are oppressing the white man. I'm listening.
DISCLAIMER: This is aimed at the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. Did you think you recognized yourself here? That, my friend, would simply be a case of guilt displacement on your part.
Which by the way is something else that pisses me right the fuck off.
FOOTNOTE: in case you didn't receive all thirty of the email notifications I've sent out recently, there is YET ANOTHER POST up at UJ (which is MEMBERS ONLY and also PORN.) For fucksakes people, comment. Does it reek? Is it great? Do you have any requests? And most importantly, will you light a candle and pray for the state of my mental health after this last one?