Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Jewelled Green Snake Washes Several Laundry!

Hey, kids! Ever wondered what it would be like to take a big ol' swig of gasoline and chase it with a match?
Do you have questions about God, the Afterlife and Eternity?
Do timor mortis really conturbat you, bucko? Or is it all just a big pointless exercise?
Test those fears and face your demons! It's easy!
It's the latest craze that's sweeping the globe! Kids of all ages love playing 'poke the crazy person with a stick' with FirstNations! It's fun! It's exciting! It's substantial proof that you sustained a traumatic brain injury at birth!

So what are we waiting for? Let's get started, OK? Here's how....

1. Be a thief. No, go ahead. Being untrustworthy is awesome. Yes, you're really sticking it to the universe, no doubt about that. Number one on my hit list! With a bullet, if you're a trespasser!
1.a Be a thief, and brag about it. Because not only does that brand you an untrustworthy MORON, it tells me that you think I'm the type of person who'd be impressed by the fact that you steal. Thanks for the compliment!

2. Pull something, do 'X' right in my face, right out in the open, and then DENY IT CATEGORICALLY when I call you on it. Are you 4? Do I have a lobotomy scar? No. Never do this. There is not the slightest fucking chance in hell that I'm going to buy your denial. I SAW YOU DO IT! DUH!
If you think that a policy of 'deny everything' is going to spare you a scene, GUESS THE FUCK AGAIN BUCKWHEAT. You just bought a WAY BIGGER ONE.
Two for the price of one!

3. Argue with your significant other in front of me. Bye now.
3.a Attempt to enlist me as an ally when you 'jokingly' ridicule same. Oh FUCK that action. Gosh that makes me feel so welcome. And comfortable too! I'm so glad I came! We'll have to do this again REAL SOON!!
3.b Come into my home and compare some aspect of my housekeeping unfavorably to that of your significant other as a way to 'discipline' them. Make sure you have a biiiiiiiig audience, too. Oh, I'll certainly be inviting your ass back.

4. Make vague, misleading excuses for any decision you've made. That way nobody can disagree with you!! Yes, give me lots and lots of wrong information to work off of. That sure lets you off the hook, right? Nobody can pin you down to a stand, can they? Except you've put all this garbage information out there, see, and now anyone attempting to use that information as an indication of your tastes or preferences is going to fail miserably! Rock the fuck on! I love being made an idiot of!

5. I also love it when you deny ever having made any vague, misleading excuses. That just makes me want to jump right up and kiss you. With a big rock.

6. If we aren't related, don't treat me like a parent. Sure, invite all your other friends out partying and tell me about it! Don't forget to add '...and I knew you wouldn't be into it; I mean, you're like my mom or something."
I will not make decisions for you. I will not listen to you whine. I will cut you off, though.

7. I'm a married woman. Don't hit on me.

8. He's a married man. Step way the fuck off, bitch. Don't even LOOK at him. I WILL orphan your children.
8.a Waitresses; this is particularly aimed at your whore asses. Do not come all up on MY HUSBAND with them titties laying on his shoulder and call him honey. Forget about a tip. It won't happen. I won't say a word to my husband. I will go back to the table and pick that money up, though, right in your face, you cracker sow. I've done it before.
Think I won't complain to the manager? Oh, guess again.

9. Never come to me about my people. Any of them. Including friends. I don't care if you have a valid reason. We're all mean and most of us are violent too. Here, let me demonstrate.

10. The sky is blue, the grass is green, the nice birdies are singing, tra la la...oh look! There's a pretty flower! Isn't the flower pretty? It looks like a daisyNOGODDAMMITTHATSNOTADAISYOUIGNORANTPIECEOFSHITTHATS APONTIACDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEIHATEYOUWHYAREYOUSOHOMOPHOBIC?!

....well all right then.

11. Come to my home bed shitting drunk and make a scene! Alcoholics are our favorite thing in the whole wide world. I appreciate you bringing your substance abuse problem into my home. I love it when you expect me to accept it as a valid excuse for any stupid shit you happen to do while under the influence. No really, I buy that. Totally. I do.

12. Please confuse 'biker' with 'Nazi sympathizer'. Please do that. Please come here with swastikas and Aryan Brotherhood shit all hanging off you. I respect that as a perfectly reasonable, well-thought-out position in a nation of immigrants. Tell me about how the mud races are oppressing the white man. I'm listening.


DISCLAIMER: This is aimed at the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. Did you think you recognized yourself here? That, my friend, would simply be a case of guilt displacement on your part.

Which by the way is something else that pisses me right the fuck off.

FOOTNOTE: in case you didn't receive all thirty of the email notifications I've sent out recently, there is YET ANOTHER POST up at UJ (which is MEMBERS ONLY and also PORN.) For fucksakes people, comment. Does it reek? Is it great? Do you have any requests? And most importantly, will you light a candle and pray for the state of my mental health after this last one?


  1. did you break into the voices archive and steal my shit?!?!!?!?
    ive been working on this post for weeks now and wtf its over here on the nations?!?!?!

    *looks around for something to throw and knocks over toilet planter in yard when storming off*

  2. voices: people who knock over my toilet planter PISS ME OFF.

  3. Jesus H Christ on a bicycle !

    I will stop waving my moobs at the Biker an calling him honey then.

    Godamit what am I gonna do now

    ***stomps off with coffee pot***

  4. beast: no no no no calm down. we didn't mean you. you're the reason we GO to HOOTERS! come back sweetheart. aw come on back. don't be like that. *proffers cash folded lengthwise*

  5. *turns around at end of yard and moons the nations compound, laughs to self and leaves a frosty thirty pack of beer in the mail box*

  6. I am a keen Jehovah's Witness. Can I come over and have a quiet chat about how you will burn in hell and be chased by midget demons carrying pointy sticks?

  7. I admire the CRAP out of you. May I have seconds?

  8. Anonymous2:21 PM

    I think you are angry with someone.. am I right? I bet it is a horrible gay bashing nazi ? Shall I be angry with hhim to?

  9. *hands FN a nice glass of iced green tea and points out while her name is daisy, she does not know names of flowers...but likes the pretty ones in her garden :)

  10. man, who shit in your wheaties?
    you are even grouchier and grousier than I usually am! Go have a beer. Maybe some spicy bbq. Look up some bear dude pr0ns...but avoid the sites beastie's on.

    (and for those who wonder, I haven't blogged coz I r happy and have nothing to whine about)

  11. Does this mean I can't barf in your garden?

    I won't pray for the state of your mental health. Why? Because I was walking along yesterday thinking a rather odd thought to myself and I said, "Nations is the only one who would understand what I'm thinking at this very moment."

    *trips over toilet planter on the way out*

    *barfs some more*

  12. Jesus, is this an accumulation of pent up rants or did you host the worst dinner party in history last night?

  13. I just tried to post a comment at JU and it told me that comments were restricted to "team members" only and politely asked me to fuck away off. what gives???

    so here's my comment:
    What's a 'bole'?

    (well, that's the first half of the comment, anyway. i didn't think you'd appreciate me putting the rest of it up here.)

  14. Nations,
    I stole your purple handkerchief. No I didn't. Don't you think Mutley needs a flea-dip? My house is WAAAY cleaner than yours.

  15. ***peeps round corner to see if FN has calmed down***

    I hate people who say
    I Dont mean to be rude

    I dont believe a word of it . Its an excuse to follow it with something toe curlingly nasty.

  16. Erm, I probably think all of those things about everybody else in the world too, which is why I don't let people in the house unless I know for about a month in advance that they're coming round, so I have time to prepare myself mentally. Even then, it might all go *wrong* and the red mist will descend ...

    ... or I might draw all the curtains and hide.


  17. OK, first, I've been going to the worng places, never had a waitress lay anything on my shoulder. Second, how do I get to this JU of which you speak? (sounds interesting)

  18. Hey Vegas, I'll be asking the questions around here.

  19. voices: well...*sucking down a special delivery beer* well....fine. just don't let it happen again. and cover that thing up; you're scaring the livestock!

    garfy: why certainly. tell me all about how only 144000 people are going to get into heaven and the quota is already filled too while you convince me that the Witness Way is the right one. i love that part. *pops some popcorn in anticipation*

    retroblog: why THANK YOU lady! of course we're on the same wavelength; we're both oregon girls. buff and stuff wit' our afro puff!! bad! hail yeah!


    daisy: *drains glass, spits into bucket, goes back out into ring* thanks! you're hired!/Aw, dont mind me. I'm just mad at the weather.

    SSA: speaking of bear porn, if you run across ANYTHING purporting to depict 'hotter than a 2$ pistol' Jamie Heineman engaged in a socially naked act DO PASS ON THE LINK like a good daughter, 'k? that would cheer me up right NOW!!

    mj: good heavens no, my hostas are waiting on your bilious offering with hope and desparation, my dear! raw eggs and Everclear STAT!//
    does it worry you that we have that in common? it probably should, you know.

    Chaucer's dermatitis I&II-pissed off at the rain.//OH CRAP. ok, i fixed that TOO. that probably explains it. see, i can't ever go through my settings without dicking around with stuff and thats where it usually gets me.//a 'bole' is the CORRECT WAY to refer to the cup shaped receptacle at the end of a smoking pipe where the smokeables go. Stupid stoner assholes usually spell it 'BOWL' which is both lame and wrong. so 'killing a bole' when you're smoking ganj means that you finished it off, its all gone and its time to load another BOLE.
    same reason I refuse to spell 'COME' as 'cum'. please. are we Prince? are we six? Gaaaaah.

    Champ: first you're dead of intestinal parasites, now you're raving about purple handkercheifs and muttleys fleas and housekeeping and whatnot. and while I appreciate this kind of random weirdness in general, this is not the kind of weirdness I have come to expect from your beard. What i mean to say is don't bogart that joint, my friend.

    beast: oh yes indeed. and I knew folks that were masters of that. god help your ass if you called them on it though; the astonished martyred act would begin.'I SAID I wasn't trying to be rude; God, why are you pissed off at me?? *snif* Wow, i'm never gonna tell YOU anything AGAIN! *snif*" etc. yeah, promises, promises.

    Betty: so then we've both attended the same hostessing seminars. Excellent! 'lets have a dinner party and forget to invite everyone' is my favorite way to entertain!

    JoeVegas: because you are male, you haven't noticed a thing since you graduated high school. This is to be expected. Trust me, it happens./re the other, I'll e-mail you with the particulars.

    champ:.......well? Yes?

  20. so, is a bole like a bong then? (i don't know what a bong is either, but i know it has something to do with marijuana.)

  21. chaucer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bong

    in this case, c'est ne pas un pipe. for reals. not in a duchampy sense.

  22. oh and I meant to add, a bong is NOT a bole, but it posesses one. Well, after you buy a stem and bole for it. usually you have to do that. the bole is just the little mini-salad-bowl bit where the greenery sits. whereowhere is IV when I need him...

  23. here to the rescue... so for the uninformed and just to reiterate whats already been told.... remember the days when people smoked a pipe? old guys, sailors, popeye? the place where one puts the, ahem, tabacco, is what is commonly reefered to as the "bole"... the part in which one would draw the smoke into their lungs is the "stem"... the joining of these two parts makes it a "pipe"...

    after googling it i also found out that "bole" is the official language spoken in the yobe and gombe states in northern nigeria...

    its also a depression in a wall...

    its also the color of a tree trunk...

    i found some weird shit here... http://www.maryjobole.com/bathrooms/history.html

    hope to "pack a bole" with yall soon!

  24. gah!!! i hate that, go here for some odd shit.


  25. Ha you see it's you not us! I went to post a comment at your other place and it told me to stick it where the sun don't shine as well. I ain't trespassed or stolen nuffink or called your kids ugly, or swooned all over your biker (although given the chance ...) or shouted at Himself in your presence and I even gardened in your honour!

    (so why do I feel guilty?! It's because my mother's catholic and I'm 1/2 Kraut isn't it?)

  26. It's working now

  27. "you cracker sow"

    This is my new favourite insult ever and i am going to start using it immediately. I have no idea what it means.

    (I don't like having visitors either.)

  28. Anonymous3:00 PM

    spinsterella - you white pig = you cracker sow. (why am I the one explaining this?) great, you brought up the pig again. poor caillou.

    first nations - some of us still love you and are plotting ways to get you into heaven anyway. (**shoves inner voices into toilet planter**)

    fn - honey, i'm the epitomy of a southern belle. i can seriously take a person down a peg or two and they get all confused because they don't realize why all of a sudden they feel like crap. oh, the wonders of beating the crap out of people while looking so innocent.

  29. Anonymous3:00 PM

    beast - will you please put your clothes back on? i'm starting to lose my vision.

  30. chaucers rash: read on.....

    ssa: OH FOR SHAME! ONLY BAD PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT! OH WHERE DID I GO WRONG???? *wanders off crying hysterically*

    voices: dude, you have more free time on your hands than you think you do. mary jane BATHROOM???? please. *checks voices place of business for gloryholes*

    ziggi: i fixed it. really i did. go perv out. mea fricken culpa already. sheesh. yeah i saw your second message; let me wallow. i was raised catholic too. its what we do.

    spinny? SPINNY!
    ok. a cracker sow is a broad who is a cracker, or white trash...which you will have to look up on Urban Dictionary.com and a sow, as a term used to describe a human female, is a big fat nasty dirty greasy grunting barnyard smelly tittydragging PIG.
    not that i dislike, you know, slutty women or anything.

  31. He who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.

    What...is your name?

    What...is your quest?

    What...is the capital of Assyria?

  32. If this is about the Alligator head I was going to bring it right back after I wore it to knock off the sev..

    I don't know anybody stupid enough to even contemplate any of these transgressions...
    oh except for whathisface.

  33. Put your clothes on Beast
    Thats all I ever hear
    ***wanders off muttering***

  34. aw beast then you should visit my site...you are being ceremoniously disrobed :)

  35. Champ: I am King Arthur.
    I seek the Holy Grail.
    oh, and by the way:
    U ≈ 3fA
    f ≈ 15 (beats per second)
    A ≈ 0.22 (meters per beat)
    U ≈ 3*15*0.22 ≈ 9.9

    or, 10 meters per second.

    ...those unladen swallows, man, I tell ya.

    don: well see, thats why I divorced him.

    beast: well, that and 'did someone do a stinky in his pampies?'

    daisy: you know, i just went there lady and all I saw was a bunch of cute bunnies and crap. wotta rip off!! *stomps off feeling cheated*

  36. aw FN then you didn't see what MJ and i were up to in the comments...:)