Wednesday, August 27, 2008

stinky feet and toast

Theres going to come a time when American society divides itself into doers and watchers. Doers will walk around in the world fully wired and transmitting constantly on a hundred different wavelenghts, each person like a radio station on 24 hour broadcast, and watchers will float in their nutrient baths like spice pilots, receiving that constant live feed in lieu of living.

Take a look around. The average surburban C student, backbone of the republic, isn't actually striving toward ownership of a flying car or the kitchen of the future or even a ray gun; they aren't actively striving toward anything. They sit. They're devolving into a foetal state. I am dead serious. 'Leisure class' is becoming a taxonomic descriptor.

Every family has at least one member now who has happily existed for a significant portion of their lives in a tiny triangle consisting of bathroom, kitchen and living room couch. Watch, eat, shit. This is not a human existence. This describes what a leech does before it drops off its host and bursts on the pavement.

Their compliment is the relentlessly, mindlessly cheerful worker ant that makes everyone grit their teeth and endure. The sort of person who always finds a reason to be seen wearing workout lycra, who feels a genuine obligation to purchase a new wardrobe at the turn of the season. Repeatedly leaping up against the walls of their glass aquarium, obsessively grooming, all constant motion and sound, producing nothing but a breeze as they go by, nothing to say, saying it animatedly and at length into their cellphones and the drive through speaker and the internet and the telephone.

I say: fuse their spinal cords together so that it completes a circuit. Use the resulting bioelectricity to power the incubators full of unwanted infants that they'll be raising on the World Christian Outreach transplant farm in Lynden. I will be outside in the garden. Give me a holler if anyone calls.


  1. hang on, i'll finish reading this as soon as I get back from the fridge with my beer...

  2. I often wonder what these people who are constantly glued to their mobile phones have to talk about and who are they talking to.
    Sadly my bathroom is upstairs so I have to expend a bit of energy
    ***looks ups commode chairs on the interweb****

  3. Anonymous3:50 PM

    You may have a point here...

  4. Anonymous6:56 PM

    it used to be people talking on their cell phones while driving were dangerous. now, it's people texting on their cell phones while driving that are dangerous. i just don't understand what it is that is so important that it can't wait.

  5. Anonymous6:57 PM

    *reminds everyone to never visit beast without air freshener and a haz-mat suit*

  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

  7. What about the extreme fatties who've squared the triangle (as it were) and eat, shot and watch in the same place?

  8. I, myself, have a rich inner fantasy life along with working at an actual job and cheerfully ignoring housekeeping. I understand the compulsion to stay connected as long as possible with your friends, it's a kid thing. Some how being a kid has expanded quite a lot. Personally my cell phone is for MY convenience. I never turn on unless I am traveling and need to shout out for assistance or ETA's.

  9. I'm just off now to shop for fall/winter shoes.

  10. Anonymous6:58 PM

    When I saw the heading "Stinky feet and toast" I momentarily assumed that you thought stinky feet smelled like toast. Er um, I find body odor to smell a bit like soup, beefy, tomato-like. Retro

  11. I hope this means we'll be getting a gardening blog soon, complete with many pictures.

  12. FN...i know them both...thankfully i am neither and don't know that i could ever be so complacent...*starts a mud fight in FN's garden :)*

  13. Some how the eat watch shit are allowed to do so. What do you call them? Me? I give them an incentive to do or get out. I'm just saying.

  14. So, who did we run into that caused this outburst? (not that it is incorrect or anything)

  15. *cracks whip*

    BACK INTO THE GARDEN WITH YOU!!! enough of this mind-bending chatter!!

    *hooks neighbors nipples up to car battery to jumpstart, oddly neighbor falls down and car still doesnt start. frustrated he puts neighbor in trunk to grind up for "biofuel" at a later date*

  16. *hides in bushes to fling leftover pink things at nations, oddly there is something smelly here that he is stepping in as well.*

    whats with people having smelly shit in their bushes?

  17. Smelly shit in the bushes?


    The toilet planter's backed up and overflowing!

  18. *tires of waiting in nations bushes as well. thinks to self that her hubby might not like finding him there, pulls back thong and crawls out*

    oh shit what did i just say?!?1

    *runs to guam*

  19. cb: oo! MTV Vacation house is on!

    beast: nobody is so important that they MUST be reached while they are driving a tractor. nobody. sorry.

    idle thoughts: I do. and it would help save the environment too.

    pink: you just....whatever. my goodness.shouldnt you be out tipping over outhouses or something? sheesh.

    footman: dude, YOU do that post.

    retro: the older i get the more it irritates me to talk on the phone. much less talk to the phone while im driving my tractor.

    mj: shoes are a sickness altogether separate from this. don't they have 12 step for that? *snork* get it? shoes? 12 STEP???? *snork*

    retro: I'll have some of what you're smoking, my darling. *creeps off quietly*

    joy:could be, could be. have i ever told you how much i like your dishwashing liquid by the way? its awesome.

    daisy: youre in the right line of business for both, huh. this is the only country in the world where the desparately poor can be morbidly obese.

    gale: dingdingdingding! EXXACKLY. they always seem to have a support team of feeders and cleaners. interesting how that works.

    joevegas: i dunno. hormones? yeah, blame hormones. why not. hormones and puberty. and video games.

    voices: dude, you are so....*is distracted by sight of neighbors perky nips, considers dead battery in garage*


    mj: YOU are the only smelly thing in my least when the wind comes from the northwest.mmmmm. friday is fish day.

    voices III: you and pink, just go. scat. go. shoo. geezly christmas people. haul up your drawers and stay out of the tam juniper; swear to CRAP. damn KIDS. *stomps off muttering*

  20. Anonymous3:23 PM

    hey, old lady!! we tip cows, not outhouses. don't make me send the cows back up their for another one of their special sessions...

    i do agree about the tractor though. it's really hard to hear when you got that thing going. totally drowns out any conversation. unless, of course, you've got one of those cab tractors with the radio and air conditioning. now those are cool.

  21. pink: like the John Deere 9030. which is technically a combine, but nothing runs like a Deere, right? ;)

  22. Anonymous6:32 PM

    fn - not unless it's a crack head running from the police in the middle of night...not that i've seen any of course.

  23. The World Champ has always been a doer. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker despite holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

  24. Pinky and FN , I am sure Miss MJ can find some nice tractor porn for you two to perv over on her next Filthy Mechanical Friday Post.
    Champ I always think Poker sounds a bit rude

  25. Yes!
    The mojo of the great unwashed has stalled and they are now in serious danger of plummeting into the abyss. Soon illegal aliens will be spoonfeeding them so as to allow for more screen sucking time.

    All Empires collapse from within and unfortunately we have ringside seats to this pathetic spectacle. The Cult of Celebrity has neutralized Mr & Mrs Six Pack because they know that they will NEVER be able to live like their American Idols so f*ck it!

    I'm going out to pull some weeds too.

  26. Beast said: "Champ I always think Poker sounds a bit rude"

    As in liquor in the front and poker in the rear? YAY!!! yay for rude!!

  27. Joy, I like your style...