Monday, October 06, 2008

Quaint Vignettes From My Charming Rural Idyll

This year, because of the mild conditions, the farmers around here have yet to harvest the feed corn. I guess the upside of that is that I haven't had to put up with the truly godhorrid stench of silage being trucked around-and I have no idea what that shits about either; it seems like they make it, and then they drive it around the county for a couple of weeks for no good reason that I can figure out. Maybe it likes to go on car rides. Maybe driving it around for a couple of hours is necessary to the whole silage process. What I do know is that the stuff smells absolutely disgusting. Worse than pig shit, worse than rotted liquid pig manure even, worse than whatever that Parmesan-foot-ass stuff is that they spray on the fields in July. And if anyone could identify just exactly what that stuff is for me I would appreciate it. But anyway....

The smell of silage defies description. It smells worse than the dump. Really. You know how if you spend enough time at the dump you eventually stop smelling it? Not so with silage. Its one of those smells that you can taste, and if you get a strong enough whiff of it you gag-not even as a disgust response either; you don't get the chance to register disgust. Its involuntary. You're driving along having a nice chat with your buddy and then a truck goes paHEURGK! HUAAARP! *BURP* ...yeah. Men dig that.

Around here a kid can drive farm equipment on the street. I suppose there's a special permit involved or something; all I know is that I envy these kids. Maybe the Fates conspired to keep me out from behind the wheel of large equipment, though, given what I was like when I was younger (i.e. EVIL) and Lord only knows what I would have got up to with a corn auger under my command. Actually I know what I'd have done; I'd have headed straight toward my grade school. Drove that mother right through the parking lot; grind through all those Datsun subcompacts and Toyotas RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRkshhhhCRUNCKCRACKGADOON! SSSSSSBOOM! SCREEECHcrunchmangledestroy! Then hammer down straight toward the main office, locked on target, lasers charged and ready; and bury that bitch full speed right up to the rear wheels. Hop out of the cab at the last minute, of course, before it goes up in a huge ball of flames FOOM! with all them big freakyass pointed things flying off and then aw fuck, man, here they come all twirling down back out of the sky eeeeeeeEEEEEWOOOOOOOOOOM!
Right through the main boiler! DIRECT HIT!
Meanwhile I would stand across the street and watch it all go stern skyward...take a majestic half turn...and then silently sink beneath the chill dark seas. And I would laugh a grim and icy laugh- heh heh heh heh heh!-light a panatella, turn, and ride my horse off into the desert.
AYIAYIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! wa wa waaaa...
(that's The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly music. keep up.)

So yeah. Better off that I don't get a corn auger for Christmas this year.

I keep trying to talk my husband into getting me one of those little mini backhoes like landscapers use? But he says that all I'd do is go around digging holes. Well, duh, yeah, that's what they're for.
"In the middle of the night. At random," he adds.
But here again; duh, that's what they're for. If you had a mini backhoe, wouldn't you? Who'd complain? Someone wakes up because their dog is barking and you're out in their front yard in your mini backhoe digging a hole, what? Like they're going to even call 911? "Yes, hello, 911? It's 3:am and there's a native American in a mini backhoe digging up my landscaping?" Please. No way. Especially if it was modified so that flames shot out from underneath it, and had big telescoping spider legs that would unfold out of the sides with pinchers on the end that had black poison dripping off them that would hit the ground and stuff would dissolve into glick and smoke would come up? See, no. You'd have to be pretty stupid to try.

16 comments:

  1. That's not fair. You should have, no you NEED a little mini backhoe. Think of all that you could accomplish! It's mind boggling. And I agree, I wouldn't call 911 if I woke up and saw that going on in my front yard. I'd grab my camera, video it and put it on YouTube.

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  2. get it. get it now. make up a medical excuse. you need it to save you from straining your back/diabetes/goiter/papercut. digging holes is important.

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  3. It starts innocently enough with a mini backhoe.

    But soon you graduate to a monster truck and you're doing the show circuit.

    *wafts stench south across border*

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  4. When I was growing up in lil’ hooterville, we had a cannery that processed corn. The smell still haunts me and we lived a mile or 2 away.
    And if you are driving a ginormous auger to destroy your school, where the hell did the horse come from?
    Plus, the last part about the mini backhoe with spiderlegs….I think you stole that from an old Johnny Qwest cartoon.
    I’m just saying.

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  5. joy: we have a neighbor down the way who took it upon himself to dig a speed berm across the alley. that would be the first improvement id make...id relocate the berm to his back bedroom.

    Mrs. Pirate: dammit, thats a thought! *plots how to steal rx pad from clinic*

    mj: only if I get to put corn augers on front of my monstertruck. keep your canadian ass fumes on your own side of the line, ya disease vector.

    gale: from the same place that the sinking of the titanic came from, and the toyotas. Norway.

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  6. Ballyissarse also smells of silage. If I open my kitchen window whatever I'm eating tastes of a mixture of cheesy feet, vomit and diarrhoea.

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  7. The reason they drive the corn around to get it to a silo where it sits until a train comes around and transports it wherever someone has paid for it...the silge that stinks so badly is the left over stuff and there are usually a few dead animals who have gotten in the mix to make it stink so badly...yes i have been a teen in corn/bean country and it's true...
    as for the backhoe...no they won't call 911 especially if there is any doubt that you might take out a corner of their house before the sheriff arrives...trust daisy on this one!

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  8. Here in Bavaria, the parmesan-foot-ass July stuff is cow urine.

    I also think you need a mini backhoe. Maybe we should take up a collection. They can't be all that expensive.

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  9. I was goung to say , that nasty smell is MJ having her summer bath. what about a weedwacker with strap on jetpack and flame thrower.

    Isn't the biker Mr Bah Humbug , every girl needs a backhoe , I bet Paris Hilton has one thats all pimped , so she can race around flashing her gash with Britney and digging holes in folks gardens .
    Are you sure its not in the constitution ???

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  10. weve been harvesting too... thats why i havent been around much. busy, busy, busy...


    *rubs sore hands and legs from sitting down with scissors for that last ten days*

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  11. I remember silage from my childhood as not all that bad smelling, ripe surely but not truly offensive, the cows liked it a lot. The one thing that truly does stink above all (well besides the old rendering plant in Petaluma) is MINT left overs left to decompose in huge stinking piles. That will rongeur out your sinuses.

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  12. I also agree you need a mini backhoe with all the attachments you can get.

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  13. realdoc: did you get a whiff of that 'french stench' earlier this summer? did they ever figure out what that was about?

    daisy: my darling, thank you! honestly, thank you! thats been bugging me for years. ive grown up around farms but never actually worked on one, so a lot of what goes on is still a mystery. lissen, you belong to a social services thing; isn't there some way you could hook me up with a grant? a miniature backhoe grant?

    alala: and thank YOU as well! cow pee? they collect COW PEE?? good lord. cow crap isn't special enough; they need pee? farming eludes me.

    beast: it should be, if it isn't. lissen, im american. i have no clue about the inner workings of my government. don't ask hard questions; the constitution. please. like im going to know. *eats some dirt*

    voices: dont you have one of those v-shaped pullers? actually, you know what; i'll do a 'how-to' on one for my next post.

    retro: yeah, mint gets pretty strange. we passed by a field that had just been harvested last summer and it was like fermenting garbage Halls coughdrops, just this heavy fog of funk hanging over the highway. gaaaaaah.

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  14. You TOTALLY need a mini backhoe...tricked out with a trencher attachment! That would RULE! And a flamethrower.

    You really know how to raise the gift bar, Nations. Someone wanted to buy me one of those Awesome Auger things. I'm going to suggest a mini backhoe now!

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  15. Miss FN you don't need to actually know that 'Every girl must have a backhoe...its the law 'is in the constitution.......You just claim it is .......no buggers gonna check are they ???

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  16. Mrs Malc and I have an on-going debate as to which smells worse: pig-shit or horse-piss.

    The farmers here spend July spreading liquid manure on the fields - at the height of the (very short) tourist season.

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