Thursday, October 02, 2008

Purple Manta A Terrible Eye Power Shooting Out

All over the world women are paying big bucks to buy brand new boobs. Generally speaking, significantly bigger boobs.

Do any of these poor women realize that once they have their brand new gazongas in place that they will no longer be able to find a decent place for them to live?

Because welcome to the real world, my darling. Now you HAVE to wear a bra. It is not a prison sentence. Its just that those honeys get a little unruly and its distracting for everyone involved. But hey, though, wasn't that the point? That's perfectly OK. Big boobs are GREAT. They are friendly. If they were people they would lend you money probably, or feed your dog while you go on vacation. They're nice. That's why people universally agree on the superiority of large breasts like them.

Tell ya what, though, gone are the days when you can expect to to waltz into the Jr. Miss department at K-Mart and grab the first thing you see that appeals. And no more 'buy three get the 4Th free!' No, now you will have to take out a bank goddamn fucking loan simply in order to purchase ONE bra. ONE.*

And what will this lonely, sad, AFFORDABLE bra look like?

No slinky, pretty fabric, or colors other than white, tan and black.

No more lace. No more bows. No more satin, ruffles, embroidery or prints.

Generally speaking it WILL NOT BE any larger than a 44DD. Not and look human, anyway. No, anything you purchase from about 38C on up in your typical retail outlet will look like a surgical appliance.**

It will not be comfortable.

...hickory? HICKORY? bad enough it went around blinding midgets and children; egad. i suppose we should praise Jesus they don't make them out of wood any more too.

If it is comfortable, it will not fit correctly. In this case it will be either 1. a cupless, vestlike 'sports bra' and as such will function so as to compress your luscious orbs into one large sweaty amorphous loaf of boob, or 2. a sports bra with what is jokingly described as 'shaped cups' and one hundred million seams that will flatten your yummies into big fat round manhole covers and allow them to bloop out from underneath when you reach up high.

An affordable bra will have seams. Yes I know they make moldable synthetic fabrics with multidimensional stretch. I know that this material even comes in graduated dernier and can be woven to accommodate complex curves and varying degrees of stress. This rare, scarce, high-tech miracle fabric is called Spandex. Bicyclists get it. Swimmers get it. Other women get it, even...women with tiny little motionless nubbins stuck on their chests like postage stamps. They get it with lace. In colors.

You do not get it.

You get one-way stretch, immobile satinized foam yamulkes, or heavy percale. And it has to have seams. You need SEAMS. Enjoy your new FRANKENBRA.

Your new affordable bra will be pointed. Oh yes! Because all boobs are pointed. Everyone knows that. Hell yes. Particularly the big ones. If you have boobs they are POINTY. It is a LAW.
...pick one: is this a 1. porcupine 2. group shot from the republican national convention 3.a sea urchin 4. a lot of sea urchins and porcupines at the republican national convention, or 4. woodstock

If yours aren't, too bad ya fuckin' mutant. Your bra is made to either accommodate the boobage of NORMAL women (the ones with 1950's danger tits or that extra little miniature yurt on the end there) and to TRAIN THE BOOBAGE OF THE ABNORMAL INTO THE PROPER POINTY SHAPE. Refusal of your boobs to comply with this mandate means that you have to run around with two empty crumpled up little strangenesses on either side of your chest up under your shirt that make you look like you got into an unfortunate chemical accident. But see, if you had NORMAL POINTY BOOBS this wouldn't happen ya freak.

The reason for this is simple: The cups of your new giant bra have been designed to house a species of giant clam.
... boob clam! nana nana nana nana, boob clam! nana nana nana nana, boob clam! boob clam! boob clam! BOOB CLAAAAAAAAM!

Large boobs look like giant clams. Its true. They do. Go look. Large size affordable bras (I'm talking to YOU, PLAYTEX) are apparently designed by people so grossed out at the though of anything over an A cup that they figure that anything bigger can just live in a grocery bag or a phone booth, or fuck it just go live a doorway like a wino or something; who cares. Ew. At any rate the closest the designers were able to bring themselves to 'big boob' was 'giant clam.' Deal.

Science has shown that giant clams don't need lace, or colors, and they like lots of fabric. Actually they NEED all that extra banding to restrain them during their frequent fits of GIANT CLAM FRENZY so they don't go all crazy and eat scuba divers. Notice how you never see any scuba divers near the plus-size bras? They are SCARED.

Because masses of flesh are not rigid, big boobs need something called 'side support' in order to keep them from kicking back with a beer and a newspaper and relaxing into your underarm region. This is not fatness; this is physics. Do not become alarmed. No salesman will call at your home. But then too; don't get all upset because when you're driving your car you have to steer with your elbows held out to your sides like airplane wings either. Not that this would happen if you had a bra with side support; but no, you do not DESERVE side support because if a woman with fritatta-titties does not need side support then YOU DON'T EITHER.

Oh OK fine. Here. Here is some side support.

There. Isn't that better? What we've done is sew a kind of a pockety thing in the side there and then stuck a bendy little strip of plastic in it so that when you sit down it bores a hole up into your armpit. THAT IS SIDE SUPPORT. REALLY. IT IS. YOU LOVE THIS AND IT WORKS PERFECTLY. LALALALALA WOOOOOO ICANTHEARYOUICANTYHEARYOU WOOOOO

Oh, and here...scaffolding. Because we can't have them things all going buttwild crazy shootin' up the dern town... So here. Have two pieces of metal shaped like the letter 'C' that aren't really attached to anything and serve no structural purpose whatsoever. That rust, and twist into weird shapes when you sit down, and set off metal detectors at security checkpoints, and make huge blisters underneath your arms, and abrade giant 'smiles' of raw skin beneath each tit when you sweat. What, are you mentioning moldable soft synthetics again? You heartless big titted cow. Do you know how many six-year-old bra wire inserters you'd be putting out of a job???

Remember: when you have big boobs, you are fat. Oh, you might not be able to see it. You might not even be able to get all that fat to register on a scale...but its there, honey. Every affordable bra you buy has also been designed to accommodate your presumed hippopottamaic girth. You will be able to invite a poor friend with big boobs in with you and you can wear it together! Tell everyone you're conjoined fraternal twins.

Because elastic is made from an endangered species of petrochemical which can only come into contact with the skin of the flat-chested, your shoulder straps have to be constructed from either steel pallet banding or a delicate scrap of shiny ribbon with a vicious little jagged dealie halfway up the middle masquerading as an adjustment thingamawhatzis. It will not stay in place. Don't go expecting it to because it won't. As soon as you sit down; ZOOP right down over the shoulder. You should never sit down. Or bend over. Or reach for something in front of you. Or overhead. Never, never do any of these things. Expect to spend the balance of your life hoisting at one side or another like Loobie May Cornpone, which is both attractive and sexy.

The most difficult part of this for me to get my head around is that you'd think most bra designers, being men, would kind of have a vested interest (get it? HA!) in keeping boobs happy. Honestly. Really. Tell me how the same sex that designed this:

...also designs this:

Give me a fucking break here. Please. I mean PLEASE. The next time any of you swingin' dicks starts in whining about women just remember it's your fault for designing crappy bras. That's right. Throw me a decent foundation garment that fits right and doesn't look like something your grampa had to wear after his rib fracture and maybe I'll be a little easier to get along with *tug, shift, yank*

And I'll tell you what: Don't you even have the goddamn gall to whine when no boobs want to live in substandard housing like that and they start migrating south! You would not live in a house designed the way a bra is designed! Oh no! You now what a person would look like who lived in a house built the way the average bra is designed? That person would be shaped like a giant clam, and the house would be shaped like a tepee, and the giant clam would be so big that it would have to lie curled up in a ball in the bathtub with one foot in the toilet. No wonder the boobs are migrating! They want a better life! Save the whales? Fuck the whales! SAVE THE TITS!

*and you'll end up, more than likely, in a specialty shop. Here in America, expect to pay an average base price of 35.00 for something you wouldn't be ashamed to be caught in. Not any miracle of fashion, either...just something that looks like your average Bali b-cup, maybe with a little lace, in lavender. And if you want something truly designed with your shape in mind? Internet, honey. PLUS SHIPPING. And pray to God it fits like they said it would when it gets there. Honestly, what the fuck? They can bodymap someone as butt-ugly as Gene fucking Simmons and make a miniature doll-thing of him that's photographically exact down to the hair on his ass - and yet we're still having technical difficulties designing a stretch garment for a couple of complex curves?

**ok now. you gonna come up on me with "well, at wal mart you can buy up to 145 WW and they're reasonable and they come with hello kitty on them too so HA." because a. bullshit. seriously. go take a look at the percentage of large bras in stock there at wally world. how many companies? warner and playtex you say? uh huh. and how much do those cost? um, about 5.00 MORE than the next size down, huh? apparently us awesome gals are taking vital textile resources away from the more deserving with our big ol hooties. PROVIDING you find any in stock. PROVIDING your local wal-mart even carries them because lemme tell ya babe, the one in bellingham DON'T. in eastern washington? yes. three of them. I am not going to make a goddamn 200+mile pilgramage on the off chance that the tard in the bra department has done her stocking the night before, just in order to purchase a cheap bra, because that defeats the whole cheapness concept, fucks with my carbon footprint and YOU STILL END UP WITH A FRANKENBRA DESIGNED TO HOUSE GIANT CLAMS!!!!!! HELLO KITTY IS NOT ADEQUATE COMPENSATION HERE!!!


  1. BOO FUCKING YAH. God DAMN I hate bra makers. I tear the side "gussets" out first thing, same with any extra padding and wires. I was in lane bryant, and on my size, a fucking 42DDD, they had inflatable pillows for EXTRA boobage! Can you believe that shit?! I'm an F, and only 5'4" and a size 12 (aka the average american female, sans bra size), do I fucking LOOK like I need boobs all up under my chin? Goddamn, bra people. Dom thinks I need to make some out of aerospace material and hi tech thin foams (used instead of underwires and in straps) and patent them. But I would be nice and sell them for like woah cheap. Cheaper than IBTC priced bras fo sho.

  2. Oh, nothing like trying to tame bazookas, is there!

    Great post. Fantastic post. You have been in my dressing room.

  3. My tits deserve nothing but the finest bras and that means spending big bucks in one of those fancy European specialty lingerie boutiques. Not a store. Not a shop. A BOUTIQUE.

    It’s not enough that half my pay cheque goes to feminine hygiene products.

    I gotta shell out (clam shell…geddit?) major lucre to house my gazongas in a comfortable yet aesthetically pleasing manner.

  4. ***wires two buckets together and hands them to First Nations***

  5. ***fills third bucket with half and half water/ bleach and hands to Miss MJ with a wire brush and a power washer***

  6. Thats the trouble with you girls , its all talk , talk, talk

    The Beast solves problems

    ***wires two traffic cones together and hands to SSA***

  7. FN, 100% agreement.

    LOVE Bali bra's, however, finding one withOUT underwire can be a bit of a hunt.

    Curiously enough, a friend of mine who had surgical reconstruction after a mastectomy does not even wear a bra at all,as the new boobs WON'T STAY INSIDE THE CUP, wanders out all by itself y'see.

  8. More than a handful's a waste, as me auld Gran used to say.

  9. I can't remember the last time I bought a bra. Yes, I wear them, I just can't make myself buy them. I have always wanted to be fitted professionally but that just creeps me out. So if my boobs aren't bothering me I guess thats all that counts.

  10. I kind of like those ones on the bottom, the purple ones with stars.

  11. Anonymous11:42 AM

    ssa - i like some of lane bryant's bras, even though you have to sell a kidney to afford one. the little pillows didn't work for me either. and when you can find a bra that's wearable, your cleavage is hiked up so high you can't even look down without getting an eye-ful, nor can you cross your arms without someone else's gaze locking on them like some kind of target.

    beast - you're just jealous cause they don't make bras for manboobs like yours.

    garfer - unfortunately, there are a lot of women who have more than a handful. that's the problem.

    joe - that's body paint, honey.

    fn - not only is it hard to find a reasonably-priced bra, it's also hard to find flattering clothes that don't make you look like a whale. and have you noticed that it's almost impossible to find a nice blouse that isn't cut to your navel?

  12. SSA: you're going to be too busy as Benign Despot of Ecotopia; perhaps one of your minions could do this. theres gotta be any number of geekboys out there who would LEAP at the chance to go down in history as the Savior of the Boobs!!!

    Jeannie: I have not. You've been in mine. shoo. out. scat.

    MJ: no kidding. its nuts. its like being penalized for having nice tits or something! the tit tax! wtf??

    beast: You're not helping. buckets? hello? do I need to send you my copy of 'OUr Bodies, OUrselves"? ask pink to borrow it; shes had it last looking up 'facial' as I recall. good gravy marie you people.

    Retro: I know; Bali always had the nicest uns! someone in the design department has actually seen a real pair.

    garfy: grannie was flatchested, wasn't she. you can always tell. they're the ones who promote that particular saying. ha ha, garfy grannie. HA ON YOU.

    gale: as long as they aren't like, what, shoplifting? letting the dogs out? define your terms; bothering. *backs away slowly from gales underwear drawer*

    joeVegas: the grooviness! it burns! cosmic sweater steaks!

    pink: I know. its like the clothing industry forgot what a damn dart is after about 1972. but see, i think of that as their problem,not mine. what we have naturally other poor flatties have to pay big bux for; and then they still look like bolt-ons.

  13. gales bra = not unlike her boobs; they are old and worn out.

  14. My sympathies.But you do know that breast reduction is very in right now, right? I mean, Pammy blew them up and now she 's shot them down.

    The fake giant-sized ones are really scary. They don't follow the rest of the body as it turns. That Corningware could probably kill a guy. Plus they are so impossibly separated under all conditions they look like they belong on Barbie.

    Still, I had to laugh when I took my 16-year-old granddaughter to London. She has developed into Partonesque territory recently. Wherever we went, the guys were all eyes, heads swivelling, a couple of times I had to step in and tell overambitious assholes to get lost.

    Her complaint to me: "I hate it. Everyone's staring at me all the time. Just because I have these big boobs." (Bitterly).

    Still, we did get prompt, usually fawning, if sometimes unwelcome service in restaurants and stores.

    Hiya FN!

  15. There's a fabulous bra shop in Brick Lane, in East London, that caters specifically to West African ladies, although all are no doubt welcome. I think it claims to have everything up to 56HH in stock, but can always order if you need anything more commodious.

    There always seem to be one or two shifty-eyed white gentlemen hovering outside.

  16. you are getting your bras from the wrong place my dear...i have been a DD since high school and always had really nice bras...i won't wear it if it isn't silky and has a touch of lace...(that is for ME not for any of the males) fact since i went down in size a bit i miss the wonderful bras i used to get in the bigger shit i really do...okay yes i would spend a good deal of money on them but they were well worth it to slug these puppies around...and they were always my extravagance...i would give up smoking for a good bra...and did at one point...but that's another story all together!

  17. *ties two beds sheet together, straps some bungies cords to them and passes them to nations*

    these might be more comfortable then the ones beast has fashioned up for you...

    fun post, i just love boobs...

  18. i know nothing about these things. I don't have boobs, I have mosquito bites. I'm 5'11", size 14, and barely fill a B cup. My trouble is finding bras SMALL enough that don't have fucking Disney cartoon characters on them. I can't buy a dress without having to have it taken in under the arms because they all gape around the chest. There is not a clothing manufacturer on earth who thinks a woman my size should have tits this small. Argh.

  19. (I can't wait to see what Beast hands me.)

  20. It's pretty rare to see bras for the more, er, generously proportioned woman in shops. If I do, they all seemed to have been designed by someone who wants to have revenge on anyone with big tits - they look like two giant beach balls strung together. A whole rack of them can look really alarming.

  21. gale: pshaw i say.

    daveF: well hello beautiful! i remember having to chase off that kind of crap when i took my daughter out in public too. she hated it too. give them another 20 years and they'll be sighing about how great it all was, too. now I must go catch up with yo butt!!

    tim: see, now theres that whole 'carbon footprint' issue coming up again. and i already have my own shifty eyed white gentleman so theres that whole brick lane option just shot to hell. thanks *snif* just, thanks.

    daisy: and you pay BIGTIME for them, though, don't you. thats the pitch of my bitch, see? a few more square inches of fabric and suddenly something that costs 20.00 costs 35.00 the next size up!! and I dare fricken say that theres just as many of us fabulous gals out there as there are sunny side uppers, so why the tit tax?

    Mrs. Chaucers Pirate: Victorias Secret Catalogue. Barring that, Bali. I have fond (distant) memories of the adorable little underthings that I used to be able to buy from Bali...they were made well, and they were pretty without being trashy. Now go hide. here comes beast with a roll of tape and a couple of teaspoons.

    betty: oh yeah, i remember when Nordstroms (an old rich lady store in oregon) used to have an entire section devoted to that...when the doors would open in the wintertime everything hanging on the rack on the wall would lift and undulate in one long wave like the sails on a schooner, only really lumpy.

  22. Hands Mrs Chaucers Pirate two ring donuts.........There are gentlemen of a certain age and girth who will stare at a pair of donuts with equal intensity as mamouth hooters...... just so you can join in the carping :-)

  23. This post made me laugh. It made my cry. It was agony and wonderment. I have given up and wear 2 or 3 sports bras and live with the uni-tube boob. Try riding a trotting horse with anything less than an ace bandage. It's a curse. And curses on the bra designers of the world. Assholes.

  24. Because my dearest darling don't want to see women without bras sporting tiny titties...(sorry for anyone offended)...they up the price for big boobies so we will go without and they can rub their faces in me...daisy knows!