Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Red Whale Shark Has Strange Playings: Majorcan Gambit!

This is part of something over at UJ, but its something thats been bothering me enough so that I thought I might throw it open to debate over here, with a little rewording. I was curious enough about this that I asked the Stainless Steel Amazon, and even between the two of us we couldn't couldn't come up with much of an answer. So I turn it over to you:

The last time I looked at a straight porn video was waaaaay back in the 'Flesh Gordon' days. All that shiny lip gloss and polyester was enough to put me off the genre for 30 years. Seriously. 30 years.

Enter the Internet, and amateur porn videos. I finally conquered my trepidations recently and looked up a few.

Oh my.

Things have certainly changed since the days of Seka and Traci Lords. Here are two things in particular that I noticed after a 30 year absence:

1. Whats with all this smacking people on the butt? All of a sudden, apropos of nothing I can figure out, people are smacking each other on the butt in the middle of the proceedings.

Now to me, this looks suspiciously 'hip hop music video'. Someone thought it looked all sly and G and thought "Hey, I'll 'bust that move' on 'my ho' next time we're 'freakin'! And film it! AND POST IT ON XTUBE! Then the world can see how sly and G I am too!" Or I could be way off base here and I need to hop on the ol' smacky train before it leaves me at the station.

2. Our couple are in the middle of a tender interlude. Everything seems to be going well. Suddenly our hero grabs his johnson and starts bouncing it off his lady friends face. Or butt. Or whatever's within whapping distance.

Ok. Does this elude anyone else? Because I am at a total loss here. I have no idea whatsoever what this is supposed to signify. Nobody seems to enjoy it particularly. This is supposed to convey what to the observer exactly? I know one thing for damnsure: it didn't come from real life. You guys know exactly what I mean, too. You stop suddenly in the middle of the proceedings....? let alone pull some lame dorkyass stunt like that; you won't live to see daylight.

So there you go. Random spanking and weiner whapping. Where did it come from, why do they do it? And most importantly: What. The. Fuck.


  1. Come on girls if you had a weiner you would want to whap things with it just like I know for damn sure if I had a big pair of mamouth hooters and was in the privacy of my own home I would sure want to grab one in each hand , waggle the up and down and shout
    It would NEVER get old :-)

  2. It's an example of the exploitative nature of porn; a medium that constantly demeans women as sex objects.

    Actually, youporn and it's ilk are a good thing as they show just how boring hard core porn is. Oh it's another orgy with dwarves and ladyboys! Yawn.

    Porn and erotica have nothing in common.

  3. beast: ive paused in my perpetual march around the property waving my jugs about and yelling 'whahey' to reply as follows: WHY????

    garfer: are you sure it just isn't a strange convention of the form, like big freaky moustaches and white socks? which is not to demean your personal appearance, I'm just saying.

  4. Hmmmm, I have only viewed real hard pore cornography twice in my entire life (well that does not count having to listen to the very loud naughty channel next door at the Sheraton once). What I viewed at an actual theater called the Screening Room in SF was a series of very short stories of people having sex, it was mostly straight sex or women fantasizing about making it with a pig and masturbating, it was not deviant. My second viewing was a video treasured by someone who shall remain nameless and that vid actually had sort of a plot but was short on men with long schlongs because the main actor had to wear a ski mask as the other characters in these skits. Again there was no deviant sex, just a group of guys twirling their johnson's as a threatening gesture to the woman who was supposed to choose of of them for her dream fantasy. Ewwwwwwwwww!\
    However, literature certainly reflects the dominant/submissive lifestyle which includes fanny whacking etc etc. I'm just saying it doesn't translate well to film. I have seen steamier scenes on Miami Vice!

  5. My hypothosis is
    becuase one can .
    If you give a small child a bendy rubber hammer they will run about whapping things with it , and porn is all about base motives and stuff , therefore give someone a bendy whappy thing easily to hand (a todger in this case)and a few minutes to fill and as sure as eggs is eggs they will whap things with it.
    ****accepts Nobel prize for phsycology****

  6. I'm coming down to Whatcom County and together we'll wave our jugs about and yell 'WHA HEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY' and see what kind of reaction we get from the locals.

    Failing that, we'll get good and liquored up and we'll remove the banana from Beast's butt and give his behind a good old-fashioned whooping. WITH the banana.

  7. i have no idea FN i think it's stupid too...if someone starts smacking me in the ass while in the throws i would more than likely punch him...
    and the dick smacking thing...that doesn't work at all...and i would have to say that if that happened to my face while i was there i would spit instead of swallow...
    that's just me though...

  8. i almost whipped my boobies out the other day at a client's house...we were outside talking and one of those chinese lady bugs dropped in my cleavage and started biting my nipple...i told them "either i have to use your bathroom or i have to whip out my boob because this bug is killing me"...thankfully their bathroom was close :)
    and i did say WHA HEEEEEEYYYYYYYY

  9. see the all seeing all knowing Beast knows these things :-)

  10. Or whatever's within whapping distance....

    that fuckin killed me...

    ill have to agree with the beast man on this one... "because we can."

    although i doubt i would get away with that shit at home either...

    *plans for some after work face/weiner whapping with the cheese*

  11. Also, comparing Boogie Nights-era porn with the modern stuff demonstrates the extent to which modern ladies are expected to exfoliate their nether regions. If that movie had been accurate, Heather Graham should have had a plantation down there.

    I think we're going back to the 19th century, raising a new generation of youths who don't know women have pubes.

  12. If my husband whapped my face with his member I'd have to slap him upside his head with my fist. That is akin to grabbing my ears when i'm in an orally giving situation. Just. Don't. Death will ensue.

  13. I always thought it would be good if willies made a sound like a light sabre, now that I'd pay to see.

  14. It the same reason as when someone takes an asprin on screen and throws their head back. Nobody does that in real life, its for dramatical effect. Ditto porn.


    Women like being dominated, so a slap on the ass reassures them that they are the passive partner, and the man is in the driving seat.

    Wacks Beast with a rolled up copy of Peoples' Friend.

  15. You finally popped your YouPorn cherry?

    I strongly agree with your complaints...so much for the suspension of disbelief!

    Both of those preposterous displays are insipid. Although some with propensities that veer towards the S&M spectrum might not take issue with the cheek whappin', but the weiner whiplash is beyond the pale.

    Take heart, the Pros are already taking over YouPorn because they are prolly losing customers to these freebies...cheapskate, bloody, pervs can't afford $1.99/Min.

    Damn this recession all to hell. If America can't afford porn, gas and groceries then, well it's all over but the cryin'.

  16. Anonymous7:03 PM

    One thing that er struck me when reading nineteenth century porn was the obsession of the male writers with female pubic hair - you could comb and curler the stuff, there was such a profusion of it and it seemed to attract and repel equally. Perhaps because they were so deprived at the art gallery?

    Got nothing on the whanging thing. Nope.